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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic violence please help

77 replies

Clarkey2345 · 24/09/2015 14:16

I am in a domestic abuse relationship and have been for 7 years it's got worse over the past month or so name calling threats etc accusing me of cheating and don't know what to do woman's aid has offered to help me with a refuge but he has stated if i left him and he couldn't find me he would hurt my family and i cannot risk that happening and don't know what else to do please help!!!!!!

OP posts:
JobobeanHo · 25/09/2015 12:15

Oops sorry its me, IsabelleEberhardt! I changed my name

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 12:25

Hi IsabelleEberhardt personally I don't want my parents to know because i don't want them to worry about it he only threatened to hurt them if I left and he couldn't find me, yes they would have room for me that wouldn't be a problem at all and a lot of people have mentioned they think there empty threats but he has been violent to me before so i know exactly what his temper is like and that is what worries me about leaving him and i haven't reported it to the police because it may make things worse for me because i told the police about his abuse and they won't do anything until he actually puts a hand on me.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 12:26

Hi IsabelleEberhardt personally I don't want my parents to know because i don't want them to worry about it he only threatened to hurt them if I left and he couldn't find me, yes they would have room for me that wouldn't be a problem at all and a lot of people have mentioned they think there empty threats but he has been violent to me before so i know exactly what his temper is like and that is what worries me about leaving him and i haven't reported it to the police because it may make things worse for me because i told the police about his abuse and they won't do anything until he actually puts a hand on me.

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NanaNina · 25/09/2015 13:02

Sorry Clarkey but you're going around in circles.......you have a choice - to get out of this relationship and go to your parents or a refuge

or

Stay put and put up with the violence.

I know you're scared of him, and domestic violence does cause women to become "emotionally paralysed" and too scared to leave, because the bloke controls them, so they don't know how to make their own decisions, and I suspect that's what it's like for you now. You don't want to do anything to make him angry, like going to the police, or leaving, because you're frightened of what he will do.........BUT unless you accept the help WA are offering or go to your parents, you are making a decision to stay in the relationship. It's your choice of course, but don't you owe it to yourself and your children to make a better life for you and them.

WA will have helped many hundreds of women like you and they will be there to support you. If you do leave, you must not tell him, as this can be a very dangerous time for women, as the violent partner can often become more violent to stop them, OR sometimes they play the victim role, and say they will kill themselves (they never do) Do hope you can find the courage to leave.

Phoenix0x0 · 25/09/2015 13:18

clarky I assume that your children are staying with your parents due to this DV situation. If this is the case then social services are already involved and have deemed this situation damaging to both you and your children.

I understand that you are sacred. I understand that his threat to harm your children and parents if you leave, is making you not want to engage with WA, the police etc.

Op you must must must go. If you cannot do it for yourself then you must do it for your children.

sparkle10 · 25/09/2015 13:44

I haven't been on MN for years but this site really helped me when I was going through a similar thing.

Let me tell you, the thought of what will happen if you leave is much much worse than what actually happens. You will have all the protection you and your family need.

Do what I did, wait until he leaves for work, pack what you need (I left in what I stood up in) and go straight to the police station and make a statement about the abuse.

The police will get you straight into a shelter and then arrest him.
The next day you will see a solicitor and get a non molestation order straight away.

Please do it but via the police first so you will have their protection.

Mine never carried through any of his threats btw, just empty words to keep me in my place.

Good luck

sparkle10 · 25/09/2015 13:48

Oh, just seen your message about the police not doing a thing unless he puts a hand on you. This is not the case, they take any sort of domestic abuse be it physical or mental as very very serious. My exh was not physical but he still got arrested.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 15:28

Hi NanaNina yes being frightened of him and the threats he's made is very real and as said before i have seen him violent towards me before and know what he can be like so it does make me worried even more about leaving him, i do owe it to my children and myself to leave but at the same time my children are the reason i am staying because he has threatened to hurt them should i leave them.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 15:31

Hi Phoenix0x0 my children are with my parents for a different reason not for the domestic violence and your right i do owe it to myself and also my children to leave this relationship and i will be honest apart from the fear of leaving him because of the threats he's made i don't know why i cannot just get up and leave.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 15:34

Hi sparkle10 can i ask was your ex partner actually violent to you at any point in the relationship? A lot have said his threats are just empty threats and maybe they are but he has been violent to me years ago even when i was pregnant that's why i am more afraid to leave him now because it's been about 5 years since he was last violent towards me.

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Twinklestein · 25/09/2015 16:25

Sparkle gives really good advice.

You may well be able to get non-molestation orders for your family based on his threats against them.

This can be done for free via the NCDV if the threats are recent.

Any breach of a non-mol is an arrestable offence, so if he goes anywhere near your family, the police will nab him.

sparkle10 · 25/09/2015 17:52

He never hit me Clarkey2345 but there were other physical things like dragging me down the road and stuff and smashing things up (mostly my phones). It was mostly the control and threats and a lot of the time that was threatening to kill me.

But here I am 6 years later in one piece and very happy and he never did any of those things he threatened.

He had a hard time when I left and I did feel guilty for that for a while, but now he seems happy too and we actually get on ok when the children are involved. I have no contact with him apart from that. He wasn't always abusive to me, it was a power thing when our relationship broke down so unlike you I didn't have years and years of it. Only a few months but that was enough for me, it was the worst time of my life.

Trust me if you leave it will be the best thing you do and believe me again, the worry about leaving and what will happen is actually worse than what happens once you're out.

Just make sure you get all the support available hon.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 19:15

Hi twinklestein these threats are very recent but i can't risk my family getting hurt because i leave the relationship but at the same time i am missing my children so much they really need there mum.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 19:18

Hi sparkle10 we have been together 7 years now and not had any violence for about 6 years but I do know how violent he can get, woman's aid have been great with all there advice and they have said i can go into refuge should i need to escape the relationship but i fear so much for my family many people have said they are empty threats but i really cannot take the risk incase he does hurt my family i have read loads of survivors stories from people who have left and it's the best thing they've ever done but i am so scared to just walk away.

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NanaNina · 25/09/2015 19:47

So you'll just have to stay put Charley - I think though you would still be too scared to leave even if he wasn't making threats - it's almost like you're using that as the reason you can't leave. I know that sounds harsh and I'm sorry I don't mean to be, and I know you've said you can't understand why you can't leave.

Do you mind saying why your children are living with your parents. How old are the children? Do you get to see them - it sounds a bit of an odd arrangement. Sorry if you don't want to say.

What has made you post now, as you've been living in this situation for 7 years? I know someone else asked why you couldn't go and live with your parents. Is this possible? But if you aren't able to "walk away" there isn't a great deal anyone can do is there. I'm sure all those "survivors" of DV were scared to leave too, but they did............and maybe one day you will too. I do hope so.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 20:45

Hi NanaNina i have put up with his mental abuse for years now but my children are getting older now and start to ask questions as to why mammy don't live with them and also i am missing out on lots of there childhood and that's difficult because i don't get to see them growing up like i should, i miss them terrible and want to be with them everyday and be a mum to them not letting my parents do what i should be doing and that's bringing my children up i am going to chat with woman's aid when he is out the house i hope one day i will have the courage to leave as well.

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AnyFucker · 26/09/2015 12:47

You still haven't told us why your children are living with your parents and not you.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 26/09/2015 13:22

I don't wish to say why they are with my parents but it's not because of the domestic violence

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AnyFucker · 26/09/2015 13:44

Then I have to agree with Nina

If there is another reason that your children are not with you and you sincerely want them to, then I presume you are working to put that right. Living with a domestic abuser is going to harm that prospect.

There is nothing more we can say to you than to seek professional help in extricating yourself from this relationship. It appears you cannot do it alone, for some very important reasons I can only guess at.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 26/09/2015 13:58

The reason i cannot leave this relationship is because i am scared of his threats he's made to me and my family because he's been violent to me before so i know exactly what his temper is like.

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Adarajames · 26/09/2015 19:04

We've heard you explain this reason, and of course it's hard to do, we're not ignoring what your saying; but you really are the only person that can do it. People can offer help, both virtually on here, and practically with WA or local police DV unit, but only you can take that first step away. You CAN do it, you need to dig deep, think of the much better life you'll be heading for, and do it. We'll be here offerin a holding hand and encouraging, but we can't do it for you x

NanaNina · 26/09/2015 19:04

Well that's the choice you've made then. Sorry you can't believe that they are almost certainly empty threats just to keep you in your place, as many people have said on the thread. You posted asking for help and got good replies, so not sure what help you want? He could be violent to you while you're living with him - surely that's as scary as being violent to you when you weren't with him.

I do hope that at some point in the future you can find the courage to leave this abusive man. Let us know if there's anything we can help you with.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2015 19:17

while you wait for that vague "one day" in the future that you leave him, your kids are growing further away from you

Do you think he is worth that ?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 26/09/2015 23:15

Hi Adarajames thanks for the advice and you are right i am the only one who can leave him and have a better life and not be in a mentally abusive relationship, i am going to phone woman's aid tomorrow though when he's at work and speak with them once again.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 26/09/2015 23:40

Hi NanaNina he's not violent now he's just said should i leave him and he can't find me then he will hurt my family and i can't risk him doing that, i am going to speak with woman's aid tomorrow when he's at work so he doesn't get mad.

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