Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Domestic violence please help

77 replies

Clarkey2345 · 24/09/2015 14:16

I am in a domestic abuse relationship and have been for 7 years it's got worse over the past month or so name calling threats etc accusing me of cheating and don't know what to do woman's aid has offered to help me with a refuge but he has stated if i left him and he couldn't find me he would hurt my family and i cannot risk that happening and don't know what else to do please help!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 26/09/2015 23:42

AnyFucker honestly i don't think he is worth it because he always puts me down and calls me names and threatens me all the time.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/09/2015 23:51

So he threatens you anyway whether you leave or not

Speak to WA and the police and let them help you find a way to break his hold over you

He is just one man. He is not omnipresent, he is not above the law. If he does anything illegal he will be punished. He doesn't rule the world and he doesn't rule you

Iflyaway · 27/09/2015 00:05

I agree with AF.

He is just a pathetic man trying to get his hold over you.

You are so much stronger than that! As you have shown just being on this thread!

Please keep posting.

I was in a violent relationship and I got out for me and DC. If I did it, so can you! Because I am not in anyway stronger than you. You just have to find the support system, even by posting on here (no internet when I did it....).

Keep posting. The help on here is amazing. Flowers

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 27/09/2015 10:49

Hi AnyFucker i am going to speak to woman's aid today when he is out and see what they think and what options are available to me if and when i decide to leave him, this site has been great lots of helpful advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 27/09/2015 10:52

Hi Iflyaway your right the support on here is amazing and been given so much great advice so far and haven't been writing on here very long, as said before going to chat with woman's aid today and see exactly what my options are and what protection they can offer me and my family from this so called man who is meant to 'love' me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2015 11:31

Good for you x

Keep trying WA, they can be busy (unfortunately)

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 27/09/2015 12:05

Thanks AF will keep trying although has to be when he's out of the house as he wouldn't be happy hearing me phoning woman's aid for help about leaving him me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2015 12:07

Cover your traces on your phone/pc too, love

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 27/09/2015 12:12

Ok

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2015 12:27

Have a look here too

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 27/09/2015 14:22

Thanks AF

OP posts:
NanaNina · 29/09/2015 00:58

How goes it Clarkey did you manage to talk to WA today. I know you don't want to say why your kids are with your parents and say it's not to do with DV but I can't imagine you are choosing not to see them. Could it be that that the man in your life is not allowing you contact with your parents, and so you can't see the children. These men like to control every aspect of women's lives, and they usually make sure that they get rid of any family or friends that she once might have had - can't have any sane person coming in to diminish his control................sorry if I'm on the wrong track.

Can I turn this around a bit - why do you think this man is so desperate for you to stay in the relationship. He doesn't love you, doesn't like you and seems to despise you. So why would he want you to stay?

I think men like this despise themselves really and it's highly likely that he was bullied/controlled as a kid, possibly by a parent or step parent, and then they in turn become bullies. I'm not saying this to excuse him, but people who value themselves, value other people too, especially partners and children. You probably see him as powerful, but he isn't - he's actually very weak (emotionally) not necessarily physically. If you do get the courage to leave him, he will almost certainly strike up a relationship with another woman who he can control. It's the only way these men can cope.

Do you know much about his parents or his background?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 29/09/2015 01:35

I think you need to work out what you want in life, and if it's to focus on your children and getting them back, then all your efforts need to be on this.

You haven't said why they are not living with their mum, and I won't ask anymore about that, but I will say that it's easy to get distracted by this unhealthy relationship dynamic, and become mired in this and get 'stuck' on this, unable to move on or prioritise anything else.

You seem very 'stuck' and powerless, but you're the only one who can do anything in this situation. If you are separated from your children, and want to be reunited with them, you need to stop letting an unhealthy adult relationship become all consuming. This abusive man sounds like he's currently controlling you, and therefore all your relationships including those of your family. Is he who you want to form your future?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 29/09/2015 09:20

Hello NanaNina i haven't had time to contact Womans aid as of yet and i do see my children but no as much as i would like as i am there mum, i once had friends but because he wouldn't let me go out when they asked me to go bingo or a night out etc they stopped asking me and we'll speaking to me also and to be honest i don't know very much about his background and the way he was brought up all i know is that his parents split up when he was younger and he ended up living with his dad and were no rules for him and he could do what he wanted there was never any discipline from his dad if he did any wrong.

OP posts:
ffffffedup · 29/09/2015 09:26

I think you need to confide in your parents about the abuse you've suffered over the years and also the threats he makes towards you them and your children. I'm sure they'd want to help the best they can especially if the end result means a better relationship with your children. You need to start opening up to people you can't go through this alone.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 29/09/2015 17:24

Hello MiscellaneousAssortment i don't want to form a future with him your right he's very controlling and also mentally abusive name calling etc, i need the help of woman's aid and other people because he has stated that if i leave and he can't find me he will hurt my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 29/09/2015 17:26

Hello ffffffup i don't like to tell my parents about my relationship as i don't want them to worry, i am currently on the waiting list for the mental health assessment team but there is currently a waiting list the GP said i should have a chat with them.

OP posts:
ffffffedup · 29/09/2015 21:09

If you can't confide in your parent's can you confide in a sibling cousin or friend? I think the support from someone else will give you the strength to move on, you should not feel ashamed by asking for help none of this is your fault

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 29/09/2015 21:34

ffffffup my friend does know of the relationship i am in but like she said the only person who can change the abusive relationship is me and she doesn't like the way he treats me at all, i do feel ashamed and can't tell people about the way he treats me only my one friend and also woman's aid and chatting on here also.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 29/09/2015 22:46

Well it's good that you can chat on here but to be honest there isn't a great deal anyone can do because you keep repeating the same things, that you can't leave because of his threats to your parents. It's a criminal offence to threaten people or try to harm them, so your parents would just call the police surely if he did try anything. Also he's threatening you while your living with him, and probably far worse. I get the feeling you aren't telling how bad it is - and of course you don't need to - but you need to tell WA.

Do you feel mentally ill? Depressed or anxious? Wouldn't be a surprise to be honest given that you are living in such an unhappy r/ship - you must be very tense.

Do you have a job? Is there anything good about your partner?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 30/09/2015 00:48

Hi NanaNina yes i do suffer with anxiety/depression because of the mentally abusive relationship, i did have a job 7 years ago but had to give up my job as i fell pregnant and to be honest there is nothing good about my partner.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 30/09/2015 13:40

SO - what are you going to do............wait until your mental health gets worse and you will be more scared of leaving than you are now, and will be well and truly trapped. You are letting your children down. There isn't any need to stay in an abusive relationship - I know you're scared but you have to make a choice......and at the moment your choice is the wrong one - to stay because you're afraid of his threats. Abusive men make all sorts of threats as they don't want to lose control.....but we've all told you this.

We can't do it for you.........you say you don't want to worry your parents but I'd like to bet they have a good idea of what's going on anyway. It's very odd that your children are with your parents and I can't believe it's nothing to do with your partner. He controls you and everything you do and you are letting him.........please get back in touch with WA and make a move.

DreamingOfThruxtons · 30/09/2015 13:50

I think your parents would rather you were safe (wherever) than in the position you're in now. Honestly, the sooner you leave the better- on so many levels. Don't you want to start living again?

Just imagine not having to dread going home and deal with him ever again. You've been living under a huge weight for years- please try to have the courage to shrug it off.

Some great advice here, too- the police are so much better than they used to be now.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 30/09/2015 14:00

Hi NanaNina i know i am letting my children down honestly the reason my children are with my parents is nothing to do with him and the domestic violence there are other reasons, i will be chatting with woman's aid some point this week to make a safety plan for as and when i decide to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 30/09/2015 14:26

Hi DreamingOfThruxtons yes of course i want to start living again and not constantly walking on eggshells and being called names and always put down by him because it's horrible, yes i have had very great advice on here about getting out of an abusive relationship.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread