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Original poster

Can you get over being shallow

80 replies

Dadbod · 24/09/2015 01:55

Sorry for the huge wall of text but I feel it's all relevant. I May get mixed reactions on this one but it's eating me inside

Been separated from my child's mother for 9 months and done the dating scene a bit without much luck

My problem is I dated one girl for a while who was brilliant. We got on great similar intrests and was great with my daughter when they did eventually meet. Everything was great. Except that she's not realy my type. I don't realy fancy her. When It came down to it she bought up commitment and taking things further ect. And I backed out. Told her I wasn't ready and now I'm
Back at square one

I feel like everything was brilliant and I could have a great relationship with her. She was great with my daughter and sex life was great. What's wrong with me. Everything inside me says I should be with her but I can't get over the looks thing. I honestly feel like a complete bellend for it

Background info we are Both pretty much sorted in life good jobs own things and houses. And for the record she's not bad looking she's actually quite pretty. Just the complete opposite of my type. I'm a fairly good looking chap. I'm used to getting a fair amount of attention of women. I feel this may be contributing to the problem in my head as I could have a girlfriend that is my type easily.

Please advise me someone. I know I'm being an idiot but my head is pickled.

Can u have a relationship with someone you don't fancy if everything else is prefect?

OP posts:
Colourmylife1 · 24/09/2015 02:39

I don't think you are being shallow. It seems that the chemistry isn't right (although the great sex is maybe a bit contradictory to me in that case?).

I don't think you can force it and I think that you would end up hurting her. For that reason I would let her go. She sounds like she has a lot going for her and deserves to be with someone who does fancy her.

spanisharmada · 24/09/2015 02:44

I agree, if the chemistry's not there, its not there. You can't force it. I think you did the right thing.

Original poster
Dadbod · 24/09/2015 03:22

Thanks for the late night responses guys. I have that exact feeling that I'm doing the right thing. Then I sit there and think I'messing up another min. I'll stick with it for now.

She texts me almost everyday at the moment. Do u think it's wise to break contact for now

OP posts:
Colourmylife1 · 24/09/2015 03:34

I think that breaking contact is the right thing but I think you should be open with her ( not about not fancying her but about not seeing a future together). There is a risk otherwise that you give her false hope. The kindest thing in the long run is a clean break but be gentle.

loveyoutothemoon · 24/09/2015 07:23

Why the hell did you introduce your child to someone who wasn't your type? Unbelievable!

niceupthedance · 24/09/2015 07:26

What's wrong with you? Probably not ready to enter a relationship yet. I would tell her this and go your separate ways.

Wrt your 'type', I would work on expanding that. Women are forever being told they are not successful at dating because they have a big long list of attributes they are seeking. However, I think maybe you might have "fancied" this woman a bit more if you were ready for the things she is suggesting. I mean, you haven't got a problem having sex with her...?

Isetan · 24/09/2015 08:23

She was attractive enough to shag and to introduce to your child but not attractive enough to contemplate a future with Hmm. I get the impression that you think you're entitled to a 'better looking' woman and as great as this woman was, not only could you do better (looking) but you deserved better (looking).

When it comes to commitment, looks appear to be a criteria you are not prepared to compromise on and you appear to be shocked by this realisation. You are who you are, accept it and don't pretend it's not an issue by dating women who fail the looks test and by introducing them to your child.

Whatever your 'issues' are, don't work through them at other people's expense. Introducing your child to someone you knew deep down there was most probably no future with, is the work of a bellend, breaking up with her when you finally acknowledged this, was non bellend behaviour.

Isetan · 24/09/2015 08:32

If you've only been separated from the mothe of your child for nine months and presuming you entered the dating scene almost immediately, how long did you date this woman for?

WorzelsCornyBrows · 24/09/2015 08:32

I think your attitude stinks, but ultimately if you're not attracted to you can't force these things.

In future try not to fuck and introduce someone to your child if you don't think they're worthy of your good looks Confused

Roussette · 24/09/2015 08:48

So... you and your ex partner, the mother of your daughter, only split up 9 months ago and yet you are busy dating and looking for a replacement partner? Why on earth don't you take some time out on your own, come to terms with why the relationship with the mother of your child failed, work out what you want from life and learn to be without someone for a while.

You say you have been on the dating scene - yet it's been only 9 months. What's the hurry? And why on earth is the woman you dated talking of commitment, you can't have been seeing each other for more than a couple of months. It always baffles me how people jump from one commitment to another without a breather.

I think you saying you are fairly good looking and used to getting attention from women says it all. Take some time out from dating and concentrate on building on the relationship you have with your DD.

Robotgirl · 24/09/2015 08:53

Oh my God, you sound like my ex! Ha.
Similar situation - always felt I was never good enough for him. Everything was great apart from me being more into it than him tha he was into me. Was almost like he was waiting for someone better to come along & held back on commitment.
As soon as I broke up with him (still feeling sad 'bout this but totally right thing) he was singing my praises from the rooftops & all that.
I think if you weren't feeling it at the time (even though you introduced to DD and had a great sex life) you need to go NC & be very clear that it's the end. Not fair on her otherwise.

Cabrinha · 24/09/2015 09:01

Come back and explain more how you can have a great sex life with someone you don't fancy?

She sounds better off with out you.

TheStoic · 24/09/2015 11:32

Come back and explain more how you can have a great sex life with someone you don't fancy?

I don't get this either.

Clearly you found her attractive enough to want to have sex, and then to really enjoy it? Or were you imagining she was someone else?

Sounds like she is attractive enough to be physically desirable in the bedroom, but not at a high enough standard to be your partner.

badtime · 24/09/2015 11:57

Firstly, I find it odd that you use 'my type' to refer specifically to a potential partner's physical appearance. If I said someone wasn't my type, I would probably mean they were extrovert or thick; your type seems to be 'good looking enough to deserve me'.

Secondly, you obviously did fancy her, as your 'sex life was great'. Is it possible that you are more concerned about the 'type' other people think you should be with than your own preferences? If so, the way to get over this is to grow the fuck up.

Elendon · 24/09/2015 12:08

What is your type?

Having great sex with someone you don't fancy is an insight. It's okay to have great sex and not feel you want to set up a home straight away.

Twinklestein · 24/09/2015 12:13

That was going to be my question.

pocketsaviour · 24/09/2015 12:21

It's perfectly possible to have good sex with someone you don't fancy Hmm

You don't sound shallow OP, but you don't sound really ready to date. I think you've made the right decision to break things off, and I would make it very clear to her that you don't see a future for the two of you.

In future I'd suggest you don't introduce your DD to anyone unless you are sure the relationship has a future. It's just too confusing for children otherwise.

TheStoic · 24/09/2015 12:36

It's perfectly possible to have good sex with someone you don't fancy.

But surely you must fancy them on some level in order to get aroused in the first place? Particularly as a male.

arsenaltilidie · 24/09/2015 16:53

But surely you must fancy them on some level in order to get aroused in the first place? Particularly as a male

Most men will get hard in front of a naked woman who's about to have sex with them.
If it turns out the woman knows a thing or two in the bedroom then that makes it great sex, but it will still not change how attractive he finds her.

OP you don't sound shallow. You liked her other qualities, you thought the attraction will grow but unfortunately if hasn't.

moopymoodle · 24/09/2015 17:25

Hmm it sounds like relationship anxiety to me. Looks fade, attraction isn't just about looks anyway.. you can be attracted to sense of humour, smile, charm, big heart etc.

Sometimes we can't dismiss things out of fear it's not enough, are you sure it's not just that? Nobody is ever the complete package! The stunning lady could come along who physically is perfect for you, but she might not match you in other areas. If your happy then go for it.. grass isn't always greener!

HeisInfuriating · 24/09/2015 17:36

I have the same problem
With a great great man. Personality humour kindness everything I want.

Looks not so much. Dress sense abhors me. I'm currently stuck between having a nice day out and great sex and then the next morning desperately needing space.

I've a lot of stress in my life now so I'm putting off making decisions about the future. But that's part of the problem. I'm dating. He's nice. Why must I contemplate the future?

laurierf · 24/09/2015 18:39

OP - will echo the comments about introducing this woman to your child when you felt like this as being 'unfair' (to be kind) to all concerned.

You can of course have great sex with someone you don't "really fancy". And if this woman is not 'your type', then she's not 'your type' so do the decent thing and break this off kindly but honestly (I don't see a long-term future between us).

If 'your type' is someone that you feel is 'at least a [insert arbitrary number] in some sort of 'prettiness league', and that being with someone who is of a certain rank in the league somehow reflects on you (positively or negatively) in the eyes of others… then, yes, you probably will find yourself passing by opportunities for real happiness by acting like a bellend.

Original poster
Dadbod · 24/09/2015 19:33

sorry for late replying guys im working a lot,

ill try and answer questions but i was sort of expecting a bit of backlash i agree with most things said

refering to the meeting my daughter, i wouldnt usualy do this but we have the same friend circle and they had met already once or twice anyway so i didnt see it as a major issue, also there was no playing mam or anything just in the same place at the same time etc,

ive realised from this thread im mabey a bit shallow and need to grow up a bit, but at thesame time cant realy help how im feeling

the sex life was great, i fancy her personality and sex apeal, sense of humor ect, the im not sure what the huge problem in my head is with looks, its possible that im just not ready for a relationship yet and im finding any old excuse subconsiously my ex shit on me in a rather grand fashon and this could be a contributing factor to my being wary of entering a new relationship

to the person who asked what my type is, its tall dark hair and tanned skin , which is the opposite of the girl in question, note: i am aware of how shallow i sound writing that down, but it is what it is

im going down the no contact route, ive dropped her a message to explain i thing its best if we didnt have everyday chit chat anymore,

OP posts:
springydaffs · 24/09/2015 21:11

Aw I'm going to say I think it is shallow. You sound like you'd be ashamed of being seen with her [I could get better than this, everybody!]

Plus, and this would be understandable, if your ex shat on you from a height you'd want to come out of it with someone knockout by your side for ex to see . yes, that's understandable.

9 months is a very short time - too short imo. If your agenda is to fill the space quickly to stick it to your ex soothe your soreness then that's understandable, though misguided.

What isn't understandable (to me, anyway) is exclusively wanting a very specific physical 'type'. There's something wrong with that. Did you not realise that women are real, not dolls? [Ouch]

sugar21 · 24/09/2015 21:19

So if you look in the mirror are you some sort of David Gandy ?
It's the old don't look at the mantelpiece while your stoking the fire cliché. She wasnt good looking enough for you, Jeez what a charmer you are

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