Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you get over being shallow

80 replies

Dadbod · 24/09/2015 01:55

Sorry for the huge wall of text but I feel it's all relevant. I May get mixed reactions on this one but it's eating me inside

Been separated from my child's mother for 9 months and done the dating scene a bit without much luck

My problem is I dated one girl for a while who was brilliant. We got on great similar intrests and was great with my daughter when they did eventually meet. Everything was great. Except that she's not realy my type. I don't realy fancy her. When It came down to it she bought up commitment and taking things further ect. And I backed out. Told her I wasn't ready and now I'm
Back at square one

I feel like everything was brilliant and I could have a great relationship with her. She was great with my daughter and sex life was great. What's wrong with me. Everything inside me says I should be with her but I can't get over the looks thing. I honestly feel like a complete bellend for it

Background info we are Both pretty much sorted in life good jobs own things and houses. And for the record she's not bad looking she's actually quite pretty. Just the complete opposite of my type. I'm a fairly good looking chap. I'm used to getting a fair amount of attention of women. I feel this may be contributing to the problem in my head as I could have a girlfriend that is my type easily.

Please advise me someone. I know I'm being an idiot but my head is pickled.

Can u have a relationship with someone you don't fancy if everything else is prefect?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadbod · 24/09/2015 21:23

I'm defiantly not trying to stick it to my ex in any way shape or form. U deffo have the wrong idea there

And I'm not purposely aiming for my type listed about. That's just who I'm attracted too I don't think I can help it if you just aren't attracted to certain types

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 24/09/2015 21:37

Are you afraid of being on your own ?

I think looks wear off once you get to know someone it's not so important ...seems to me you perhaps can't quite pin point what it is that isn't making it quite right ..have a break ...be on your own for a while

Frecklesandspecs · 24/09/2015 21:42

Springy Grin
I was wondering if the OP potentially had slight tendencies towards NPD? Grin

It's fine to not have chemistry and not be attracted to somebody. That's all very normal. There's no point in leading her on if that's how you feel.
But are your expectations really realistic?
What this girl is lacking in looks, another will be in confidence, education or independence.

TopOfTheCliff · 24/09/2015 22:01

My friend is like you. He left his DW because she wasn't a perfect 10 and started a quest for the woman he feels he deserves. He is clever kind and wealthy but not especially good looking. He meets lovely women and dates them for about six months then lets them go because they are not "the one". The rest of us are astounded that a. he keeps meeting gorgeous eligible sweet women who like him and b. that he breaks up with them for no reason we can understand.
After five years of this he is beginning to despair and his XW is looking like a very attractive nice lady!

Original poster
Dadbod · 24/09/2015 22:04

spudlike1 i do think im a bit afraid of being on my own, not sure why, i live along but im never in, i cant sit in the house by myself ever

and sugar i actually look like David Gandy, do u know me thats a bit strange ( hes alot better looking than me :-( )

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadbod · 24/09/2015 22:07

frecles and topothecliff u have the wrong idea here, my type may be dark hair ans skin but im am most deffinatly attracted to normal everyday girls, im not looking for a beauty queen, or top model or anything

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 24/09/2015 22:12

Maybe that's what you need to work on being happy in your own company and on your own .
Have the confidence to know that it's not all about looks yours or anyone elsed

Twinklestein · 24/09/2015 22:13

David Gandy is minging so that's not a plus.

Original poster
Dadbod · 24/09/2015 22:16

twinkle dont be so shallow !

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 24/09/2015 22:17

Overly handsome men are actually not that attractive ...my view
Personality makes a person attractive or not

springydaffs · 24/09/2015 22:17

Erm your op would suggest you are not attracted to normal, everyday girls. You are directly contradicting your op to say that.

Mate, you're not making any sense. Your self-awareness is looking erm patchy

Sallystyle · 24/09/2015 22:26

You can't help who you are attracted to. If the chemistry was really there then it wouldn't matter if she was your type or not. Many of us have a type, but lots of us end up with people who aren't our type in the end.

I don't think you are shallow.

As for introducing her to your children I see nothing wrong with introducing someone as a friend in the situation you describe. Very different if she was spending the night and playing a mother figure etc

For whatever reason, this wasn't working for you, but I don't see where you have done anything wrong. Yes, she is no doubt very hurt but much better to be honest with her now rather than later down the line.

Original poster
Dadbod · 24/09/2015 22:29

springy my type only refrenced hair color and skin tone i didnt say she wasnt good looking enough at all, shes a beautiful girl, just small and blonde and, again i feel like a right plonker actually typing this on here but i cant help the attractions i get or dont get,

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 24/09/2015 22:29

Oh I love overly handsome men. DG doesn't cut it.

laurierf · 24/09/2015 22:34

So the sole problem is that this woman isn't dark-haired and tanned Hmm

I'm a fairly good looking chap. I'm used to getting a fair amount of attention of women. I feel this may be contributing to the problem in my head as I could have a girlfriend that is my type easily

Well give it a go with one of those dark-haired tanned women who are giving you a fair amount of attention then but leave your child out of it until you sort yourself out.

seasawsingle · 25/09/2015 02:05

I think it is pretty bad really. I have really fancied men who were not typically handsome because they were great guys, brilliant in bed and at times I have fancied men who were hot and sexy but gone right off them once I got to know them. I don't understand how you can like her so much and even want to be with her but not find her attractive. I think you want a stunner to impress people with but honestly no body cares.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2015 07:06

quite the babe magnet, aren't you ?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/09/2015 07:12

David Gandy's wife is small and blonde.

Roussette · 25/09/2015 10:14

Re my post upthread, you really need to work on being able to be on your own or you will just flit from relationship to relationship, it is too much like a quest to find another life partner so quickly. You only split up with the mother of your DD 9 months ago, what's the desperate hurry?

newnamesamegame · 25/09/2015 10:26

Another one struggling a bit with the idea that someone can not be attractive to you purely because of their physical type. Not having a go at you, btw. I just think you may be confusing physical/sexual attraction with ideal physical type. They are not the same thing, and I think you might want to give this some thought as it is something which could prevent you from achieving happiness.

So if you were to ask me what my ideal physical type was I would probably say tall, skinny as a rake, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, vague counter-culture appearance but without being scruffy. Which is the archetype of the ideal man for me and probably a larger number of the men I've fancied have fallen into this category than any others.

But that hasn't stopped me falling in love with short, dark men, fat men, old grey-haired men with glasses etc. I married someone who was very dark and dressed in a way which initially made me laugh out loud. (That didn't go so well, but nothing to do with his looks.)

Maybe its a boy/girl thing -- I know its easier, mechanically speaking, for a man to be aroused by a woman for whom he has no sentimental feelings than vice versa. But the bottom line is you either fancy someone or you don't. And it sounds like you did and do fancy this woman.

So why does it matter so much that she isn't tall and dark? It just sounds like you're creating arbitrary physical hurdles for yourself....

RiceCrispieTreats · 25/09/2015 10:51

Looks fade. Yours will too. What couples are left with then is the bedrock of their personality, values, interests, how they get along, including in bed... Exactly what you had with this woman.

So yes, I think you do need to work on your shallowness. Having a "type" is shallow, and it is worrying if it trumps the other, far more important, characteristics. Do you want to be the kind of saddo who trades his partner in for a younger model every 10 years, because he feels entitled to a certain physical ideal?

Work on seeing each woman as a whole person. Ignore the checklist of physical attributes and focus on how you feel with them.

Frankly, it's really puzzling to me that the package is more important to you than the person. Is that how you would like others to approach you?

Original poster
Dadbod · 25/09/2015 12:18

Thanks guys I'm going away for the weekend now. So won't be back till next week online now

The general response here is that I probably need to work on myself a bit before finding a partner. I agree as looking back I have never stayed single for more than a year in my life.

OP posts:
Frecklesandspecs · 25/09/2015 14:10

What age did you start? Shock

Just kidding! Have a nice time Grin

Elendon · 25/09/2015 14:23

Having a type is incredibly shallow and will give you grief in the long run.

You know this, it's what is keeping you back from meeting someone who might, just might, be the one.

But having a type is so seductive, it stays with us. And I so agree in many ways. I want tall, dark and mysterious - hah!. It's never going to happen. I'm blonde and middling height- yet I know I'm not good enough for many (not blonde enough, not tall enough).

What type do you think you are?

Have a good time away.

HelenaDove · 25/09/2015 15:09

I hope she doesnt take him back TopoftheCliff.

Swipe left for the next trending thread