Can you get over being shallow

[Dadbod]

Sorry for the huge wall of text but I feel it's all relevant. I May get mixed reactions on this one but it's eating me inside

Been separated from my child's mother for 9 months and done the dating scene a bit without much luck

My problem is I dated one girl for a while who was brilliant. We got on great similar intrests and was great with my daughter when they did eventually meet. Everything was great. Except that she's not realy my type. I don't realy fancy her. When It came down to it she bought up commitment and taking things further ect. And I backed out. Told her I wasn't ready and now I'm
Back at square one

I feel like everything was brilliant and I could have a great relationship with her. She was great with my daughter and sex life was great. What's wrong with me. Everything inside me says I should be with her but I can't get over the looks thing. I honestly feel like a complete bellend for it

Background info we are Both pretty much sorted in life good jobs own things and houses. And for the record she's not bad looking she's actually quite pretty. Just the complete opposite of my type. I'm a fairly good looking chap. I'm used to getting a fair amount of attention of women. I feel this may be contributing to the problem in my head as I could have a girlfriend that is my type easily.

Please advise me someone. I know I'm being an idiot but my head is pickled.

Can u have a relationship with someone you don't fancy if everything else is prefect?

Every man I've had a committed relationship with has been a completely different 'type', skin colour everything , obviously I have found them attractive for different reasons.

However I do have a type that gives me tingles but really that's a teenage kind off pin up mentality and not that really helpful when looking for a partner

I find it odd when someone has relationships with similar 'types' it's like they're looking for a replacement for the last relationship . And not actually seeing the person under the veneer

Falling for the person under the veneer should read

It's a bit like Rod Stewart. All his partners and wives looked exactly the same. Luckily he's stuck with Penny whatshername his latest wife for longer, but that's probably because he's now 70.

I think physical 'type' can be a thing for men. My first bf was always making me feel vaguely inadequate for not having bigger boobs or longer hair, and we broke up because of the usual 'not ready for commitment'/'I want to play the field' type guff, but I have noticed that none of the women he went on to date, including the one he eventually married, look remotely like me.

Yes, it's superficial to most women. But I think we need to accept that our particular sort of look is part of how some men (not necessarily all) may view us. I find it quite comforting in a funny sort of way - I know that I'm not responsible for it. But I also think that if you're honest about it earlier on you can save a lot of hurt.

Tbf we all have our preferences. I like pale men with mousy hair, taller then me and not too bulky with muscle. Pretty much describes my husband, but even then I still suffered relationship anxiety. Seriously Google it! It's where you fixate and slight imperfections with the other person or the relationship and then panic they aren't the 'one'.

Thankfully I'm over it now

If you didn't fancy her, you shouldn't have had sex with her. Just cruel and exploitative. Too late now for her, the poor woman, but perhaps you could try and retrain yourself in future.

People have sex with people they might not be really into all the time ( men do this particularly well ) fact of life ..... ...its the risk you take when single

First off, don't settle. I've done the intellectual-attraction-only relationship and the sexual-attraction-only relationship. Both failed. I now have both and am very happy.

Pop psychology alert, but I read an article once about how 'type' usually refers to experiences we have had during our formative years that somehow result in certain features getting labelled as attractive in our heads. A harmless example would be the 10-year-old prepubescent boy who has just the odd fleeting moment of pre-puberty sexual awareness and one time that coincides with seeing his 14-year-old blonde female neighbour in a bikini. Doesn't really make that much of an impression on him at the time, but as an adult he finds himself preferring blondes.

The trouble is that some of those imprints are from negative experiences and set you up to fail in relationships because you're inevitably drawn towards features that lead to repeat patterns of behaviour. Classic case would be the woman with a very strong father figure being drawn to similar-looking men who end up abusing her.

If you have a type physically, it's worth exploring whether you also have certain patterns in your relationship. If you don't, hey ho, you just like blondes/brunettes/red-heads/whatever. Happy days. Have fun. But if you do, you could do with trying to unravel things if you want to change the outcome.

Too quickly you need a bit of time to detach from the original woman.

Why not wait till your type comes along. If you are wanting to start a new relationship i think too that your daughter should be taken into consideration after all she'll be her step mother thought of that?.

Its not just you;!.

I think if you really liked this woman you'd be saying to yourself "It is so funny I thought my type was strictly tall brunettes, and yes I do like the look of tall brunettes, but clearly there's nobody as wonderful as my Doreen".

You aren't saying that, so it wasn't meant to be, I reckon.

People have sex with people they might not be really into all the time ( men do this particularly well ) fact of life ..... ...its the risk you take when single

I know this happens, but for the life of me I can't understand why anyone would want to have sex with a person they didn't fancy.

For me it would be like choosing to eat food I don't like, or drinking bad wine.

Thinking someone is 'your type' physically is very different to having good sexual chemistry and getting on well with them. I don't understand why so few posters are saying that can't be?

From OP's POV, he looks at tall, leggy women with dark hair and skin and thinks they look beautiful, and fancies them. However, they may then turn out to be dull as dishwater in bed and in conversation, and the fact that someone looks great only goes so far.

Before I met my perfect-in-every-way DH, the best sex I'd had previously was with the least attractive of all the men I'd been in a relationship with, but the chemistry was there.

Lots of women post saying they've been on a date with someone who's not their type, but they got on really well, chatted with all night and then ended up in bed with and had the best sex ever. Some of them are a bit shallow and then say they don't know what to do because "he's not that attractive", just like the OP.

I'd say your own vanity and insecurity (your need for everyone to know that you can do 'better') is going to stop you having an amazing relationship. But people have their priorities in different places, that's life.

The OP never said the blonde woman wasn't attractive, she's just not brunette. He said she was beautiful. So it isn't him wanting to trade up.

Depends what you mean by' fancy ' Stoic I've fancied having sex with men I would n't dream of having a long term relationship with ( not necessarily acted on it ) I've also had the experience of the man who has enjoyed charming you into bed and it turns out they just wanted sex ...hey ho ... a one night stand /fling its just like having a good meal and drinking good wine .

people ( women mainly) can often get hurt by this that's the problem. Because sex often involves emotions

Oh and men like to 'try' before they buy (that's the cynic in me )

i don't think you can get over being shallow.
i think its ingrained and not uncommon in men and women,
i know a guy who will not date women who are not blonde. i know other men who will only date women who have very large breasts.

certainly, i would break up with this woman simply if i were you, because you're wasting her time and giving her false hope.
you are probably better off just playing the field and perhaps in time you will find what you're looking for.

Muckogy I think your right The OP could have seen it as anyone might see that sometimes Miss/Ms or Mr right may not be quite as you perceive them to be. It's almost as if you've drawn up a specification for a job advert and the applicant doesn't quite fit the bill but they do excel in some matters:)

It might be said that grow to like and love them and accept the good points of them but often times we see on this board that someone later on is missing that *"chemistry" and never fancied them in the first place so perhaps equally as valid.

• whatever chemistry really means or the interpretation thereof;!.

I'm really confused by this thread

why does it matter if someone isn't your usual type if you fancy them - which, OP, you clearly do because you say sex with her is great?

I see later on you say that you could easily find someone who is your type. So maybe I'm not understanding this because I hardly ever fancy anyone. You're saying, there's one box she doesn't tick (appearance) and you feel you could easily meet someone who has all her good points and is tall and dark?

if it's that easy for you, then that's one thing I guess. But as far as I'm concnerned, if you are having good sex, you have got chemistry and you do fancy her. What you are saying is, she wouldn't turn your head in a bar? Is that important?

lorelei9 So is good sex = to chemistry then ?. Of a part of it?.

justaboy - well it is to me. It's honestly the first time I've heard anyone say that good sex and chemistry can be separated.

unless that's a "cold pizza" thing.

I just read the OP again because I was confused.

he does say he doesn't fancy her...in which case I suppose I'd ditch it.

I just don't really see how you can not fancy someone after you've had great sex with them, many times, presumably?!

Well someone was on here, another thread the other day, with that very topic. I've had what I'd describe as good sex but there wasn't any long term intent on either side and it didn't last long and other times I think it was that brain chemical disturbance you sometimes get with someone new that never lasts;!.

Suppose it is an open ended issue?.

justaboy - I can see that if you slept with them once, due to the chemical thing, and then thought "oh yes, the chemical effect's worn off" - that makes sense. But I thought the OP was saying they had good sex many times.

I've had the opposite of this. I had one gorgeous boyfriend who was so gorgeous my heart would stop when I saw him in the street after leaving him...but the chemistry had petered out (that was after 18 months though, and I changed a lot in that time which didn't help).

I don't know, just something about the OP's phrasing made it seem like the "type" thing was a huge issue and I find that odd. I've never been out with a geeky type for example, but if I was dating, I wouldn't rule it out and say "oh no, I only go out with City suits, I can't go out with a geek".

He said she's "actually quite pretty" but he "can't get over the looks thing." This is so not about her hair and skin tone not being dark enough. I seriously doubt he'd be giving a universally-deemed "beautiful", blonde supermodel the elbow and getting angsty about it if she also ticked all the other boxes that this small, blonde "quite pretty" woman apparently ticks.

laurie, that's the other thing. is this a "Fat Pig" moment (as in the play) and OP just doesn't want to say so.