has anyone got any advice about living without love?

[patriciapractical]

NC as I'm ashamed. I don't know how to live without love. I don't have a partner. I have been on my own for a long time. Can anyone tell me what to do? I just can't handle it any more. I am looking for some advice in addition to: have you tried online dating, joined a hobby group, made sure you keep in contact with friends, volunteer, exercise, help others, try something new. I know all those things. They are great and help get through the day but doing those things does not make up for a loveless life. Has anyone come to terms with this condition and can tell me something useful? I just don't know what to do anymore. I had some therapy this year and specifically raised the subject of loneliness with the therapist. In fact that was my "presenting" issue. This is killing me. Maybe someone here at least found peace with it and can tell me how to do the same.

A friend just sent me this, The lyrics are in the blurb.

Crikey, Pinkrosa! I thought you must be a booze addict drinking wine early in the morning....then I realised you are in NZ!! Lol!!

I've posted a link to this book before. Not for its predictable advice about finding romantic relationships but for the chapters on how to be alone and happy.

I think those chapters makes a really good case for examining whether feeling unhappy alone is really how you feel in that experience moment by moment or whether in fact you are in that downward spiral of negativity or conditioned by so much of mainstream culture which is determined to tell you that if you are alone there is something lacking.

Intimate Connections David Burns

Folkgirl I've noticed your posts before. Much of what you say resonates with me. My advice to you would be to really start looking for the positive in your life as it is now Can I suggest you start with your dc? Forget the guilt. Start focusing on their personalities, the fun you can have with them, and the love that they give and that you can return? That boolcks about giving up - from what I've seen of your posts, that is definitely not you! You come over as an energetic, gutsy force to be reckoned with. I think if you put your mind to it you can work out exactly how to change your life so that you are happier.

Springydaffs You are in my thoughts especially today. I hope your chemo goes well and that you feel ok afterwards. I have seen the love and support and wisdom you have given to posters on here and been truly impressed. You are a very special person. Your life experiences have evidently led to you developing some incredible insights and I think you are amazing.

Was it RedMapleLeaf who said she would start a thread? Sounds like a great idea!

Thanks for the link WhatifIdid I look forward to reading that later.

Wish we had a "Like" button on MN, there are some wonderful responses from caring people.

Have read the thread - lots of really thoughtful and lovely posts.

I'm single and 50. I was widowed when I was 35, three children aged 12, 10 and 7. Met someone when I was 41, put everything I had into the new relationship, but it ended two years ago.

Much as though I'd like to, I don't feel as though I have anything left inside me to start again.

The most difficult part isn't necessarily living without love, but it's living without someone with whom you can talk an easy shorthand, because you are fully understood and you don't have to explain yourself.

I spend most of the day alone and I also find this hard work, often going to bed at 8.30 because I can't amuse myself any longer and I'm cold.

Living alone, I sometimes skip making the full meal that I've planned for myself and just have the protein bit.

Money is tight. Sometimes I feel really dragged down by the loneliness and like others, feel scared and worried that 'this is it'.

Apart from anything else, it doesn't seem a healthy way to live.

"Talk easy shorthand" is a lovely way of putting it tormentil and I recognise those early nights.
I think that getting to the gym and using their sauna is a good plan for dark nights.

I fluctuate between feeling okay, life goes on, making plans for the future, and grieving for the life I imagined I would have.

Accepting that I probably won't have LTR relationship is such a paradigm shift. It's hard to know how to go forward.

This thread has really useful and positive ideas on how to live contentedly. I am grateful, it's a start. A way forward.

(There are times when I feel so intensely sad. Usually in the mornings.. )

I think that the key thing for me has been learning to meet my own needs. I think that in a relationship an element of relying on the other is natural and normal, but I can definitely see that it's healthier to meet my own neediness in future. Not easy relearning this after being in a LTR, and sometimes I feel sad, but then feeling sad is pretty much part of being human, single or otherwise. (There's my mindfulness training!).

For me it's important to plan ahead and get things in my diary - hobbies, exercise, socials, study and volunteering all fit around work commitments. Having things to plan and look forward help me to stay curious, connected and "open" rather than "closed".

Perhaps groups of single women of a certain age should buy a big house and have their own rooms and also some communal rooms so they can live in a supportive group. How does that sound?

"Perhaps groups of single women of a certain age should buy a big house and have their own rooms and also some communal rooms so they can live in a supportive group. How does that sound?"

When you're used to having your own space going back to house sharing can be very difficult. I dream of living in a block of flats where everyone has their own bathroom and kitchen, but there would also be a bigger kitchen and TV room for mixing. It would be for any single people, not just women.

I feel like I could quite easily go the rest of my life without love and sex. I don't mean that I would find living that way easy, just that it could easily happen and that there's sod all I can do about it.

I guess I don't get out that much as my kids are young and my ex unhelpful. But when I do go out, I don't have a great time. Tend to end up talking to people who are nice enough but not really relationship material. Men who do show some interest I'm not really interested in and while I'm polite I don't want to waste their time. I'm really interested in finding a woman to have a relationship with but god knows how thats ever going to happen! I really have no functioning gaydar.

My abusive ex went straight into a new relationship so its just me on my own here or them with their cosy new life - I guess eventually the kids will get tired of my lonely existence and end up wanting to live with him.

When I do get invites to things I can't help thinking 'oh great another mediocre event where I feel out on a limb while everyone else has a great time'. I can sort of see it happening before it happens. Not literally but the general idea...

I do feel like everyone except my kids is indifferent to me. No-one cares whether I'm there or not. I miss intimacy. I miss that feeling when you're with someone and you suddenly realise there's no one else either of you would rather be talking to. I know loads of people but im just as lonely as I was when I knew virtually no-one

These long winter nights when it gets dark at 4pm and bedtime is not til 10pm! 6 hours alone! No wonder so many single women spend their evening with a bottle of wine for company - it blurs the edges.

Evening classes, sounds good but who wants to turn out on a wet, cold night and sit in a draughty village hall?

I tend to get up early make the most of the day and go to bed earlier. Also I tend to do cooking in the evening. Shopping for groceries online. Chat to friends on the phone........

marzipan123 You left out keep virtual company on MN;-)

I think on the winter evenings you really have to drag yourself out even though you don't feel like it. How many of us have nearly changed our mind and stayed in, only to get out and end up having a really good time?

pinkrosa Yes Mr Nettles was a perfectionist and if it wasn't good enough then he'd say so and he did that very well:!

I take it you know he was retied from the series back in 2011?.

According to my ex W who's French it had a bit of a following over there:)

But i still reckon the best TV copper was Det Inspector Jack Regan of the yard, those were the days when oodles of loot were flowing in ITV:)

Still John Thaw was excellent in "Morse" alas a great TV actor no longer with us:(.

RedMapleLeaf JOOI whats the take here on going out in the evening and where would that be and what would you be doing like evening classes or volunteering or just meeting up with friends pubbing and the like?

For me its in front of the PC and work related most evenings unless there's anything good on the TV which for me is rather rare!. More a radio 3 fan than anything else:)

And this month sees the clocks go back again;-(

WhatifIdid I'm on p20 of that book you linked to and I'm hooked! If it delivers half of what it promises I'll have learned tonnes.

I'm following this discussion with interest and will post more at the weekend when I have time. My job takes up a massive amount of my time which can be a good thing. Can also be a bad thing of course. Many interesting comments for me to look at and good to know it's not just me. Although sorry of course to others who are having a similar experience.