has anyone got any advice about living without love?

[patriciapractical]

NC as I'm ashamed. I don't know how to live without love. I don't have a partner. I have been on my own for a long time. Can anyone tell me what to do? I just can't handle it any more. I am looking for some advice in addition to: have you tried online dating, joined a hobby group, made sure you keep in contact with friends, volunteer, exercise, help others, try something new. I know all those things. They are great and help get through the day but doing those things does not make up for a loveless life. Has anyone come to terms with this condition and can tell me something useful? I just don't know what to do anymore. I had some therapy this year and specifically raised the subject of loneliness with the therapist. In fact that was my "presenting" issue. This is killing me. Maybe someone here at least found peace with it and can tell me how to do the same.

Oh ffs.

Should I put it out there that I am good at Motor repairs,car washing, DIY, drain unblocking, spider catching, heavy lifting, washing machine repairs, chaufering to the hairdressers, gardening, fetching of wine, ironing, vacuuming, window cleaning,toilet cleaning, cooking, shopping at Aldi. All post menapausal women welcome to apply for my services.

Oh yes , I forgot that, good at that too.

Flatbellyfella, are you on the mumsnet site looking for lurve!?

Love yourself!
Therapy might help for this.

Or something battery operated.

Just taking a break from the MN Draw Something players, it keeps crashing on me.

Pinkrosa - I love NZ. Flew into Christchurch and drove all over South Island and up to the tip of North island. Just adored it. My best friend, who now lives near me in the New Forest comes from Auckland. I don't understand why she isn't homesick. But she is not planning to go back.

A friend of mine took has wife there for her 50th birthday over Christmas surprise it was for her! . Loved it both of them. In fact my very first girlfriend emigrated there around 12 years ago, still lives near Auckland!.

That was filmed around mid Buckinghamshire there are some very petty places there like the Ashridge Estate. Heard from a friend who worked with him that John Nettles was a bit like his name very hard work:!.

I'm almost 40 and have had several failed relationships. With insight, I know I made poor choices and I accept that. I've never got as far as living with someone for various reasons; usually because I didn't want to.

I've been 'loved' by romantic partners but in a destructive way and I loved them in a destructive way too. I have never experienced that healthy, mutually supportive relationship where you are both just there to enhance each others lives rather than take them apart.

I have very brief thoughts of wanting to be in a relationship on occasions where e.g something awful happens and I'd like someone to be there for me.

But on the whole I don't. I'd love to fall in love and feel like that is the person I'm supposed to be with bit I've accepted it won't happen.

I honestly don't care or mind. I am an attractive, independent woman with wonderful friends. I have a job where I make a lot of difference to people's lives (MH). My life is full of love, appreciation and respect from all angles except a partner.

I may be different to some other people in that I have never thought my sense of self - worth or happiness has never been dependent on another person or relationship. I know who I am and I know what I'm worth. If someone was to come into my life now they would have to be truly amazing because I love my life and am genuinely happy. Any relationship needs a degree of compromise (even if it's just what you watch on TV tonight) and I'm used to doing everything my way so for me to change, the man would have to be fricking special!.

Because I don't need or want another person to make me happy or feel complete. I've lived a pretty rocking life so far, had romance, fun, amazing sex and lots more less selfish and more 'worthy' experiences.

If I died tomorrow I honestly feel like I've lived several lifetimes! and had some amazing experiences but also did my bit for the world.

I've had some wild and amazing sex and I think it's unlikely I won't have it again as I'm not even 40 but I don't feel like I NEED it or need that intimacy.

I don't want to sound clichéd or patronising (but probably will!) but I think if you're really happy with you and your life, you don't feel it would be a sad state to not share it with a partner. If you feel fulfilled, there is no gap that needs filling.

But I understand not everyone is like me and have total respect and understanding for people who feel like something is missing. I think I posted to say it's possible to not feel that way.

I don't want to say how long I've been single bcs it might depress some on here.

I don't know if I'm in denial but I honestly have the most wonderful time. I have not had one decent romantic relationship my entire life, have the most dismal family imaginable (nc), I've lost my kids (agony beyond description), don't have a job, poor, currently having chemo... So I'd have every reason to be, well, dead at my own hand.

But I just do have a wonderful time. I've come to terms with a lot of the things that have happened in my life. I'm hesitating to say this but i am a Christian and i know I'm loved. I can't qualify that, of course. I've had dribs and drabs of love from people here and there but most of it has been pants. Unlike a pp I clash horribly with the church and (most, not all) christians and the last thing I have felt is loved in the church. But I do feel loved by God - really, properly loved.

It's hard to remember now how it all started but my life was so painful I was desperate for comfort. I went to the cathedral to sit in on the services - anonymously. I was not brought up in the CofE so the words were fresh to me - they seemed to me to be the most beautiful words, very soothing. What struck me at the time was that they were written at a time when suffering was an accepted part of life - unlike now. That was a revelation. All the pressure to be successful and sorted dropped off somehow.

I may be a nutter but I am a happy nutter. My maxim is to enjoy myself and altho I still have a great number of extremely painful and frightening circumstances in my life, I genuinely enjoy myself and feel extremely grateful to be alive and have the capacity to enjoy so much. Part of that is probably recently facing potential death via tiny cancer in the boob dept. Admittedly, that puts things in to perspective somehow, of itself? Probably. But that's not all of it imo.

Sorry if this pisses people off. It is just my experience. I feel I know, through experience, that God is close to the broken-hearted, and that that isn't dependent on me doing anything at all - free gift and all that. I have the usual strains and shit; worry and get anxious etc; a few low-level addictions floating around; hurt a great deal at times. All that stuff. So I'm not entirely away with the fairies.

It's late and I have chemo tomorrow so I have to pack in. As insane as I am to post this ^ I would like to say my heart goes out to you (us!) all on here who are hurting so much.

Well laughing at the weather, I 'm with you on this. And may I congratulate you on your incredibly positive and balanced approach to life. May you always have a glass half full. It seems to me that people are attracted to positive people, it's an upward spiral.

Springy daffy, that was also a really interesting post and the thing that resonated with me most was your comment that it used to be accepted that suffering is just a normal part of life unlike now.

What an incredible site this is and at times it is very thought provoking. How uplifting it is to read the positive posts. Equally how sad it is to read some of the posts where people feel truly wretched and cannot see a glimmer of hope their lives at all.

I think there's a big assumption from a lot of people that this 'living without love' business just means romantic love and that as long as you have the love of friends and family and are fulfilled, then it's all ok. But it's not really that simple.

I always say that I've never been loved. In fact the only person who I believe ever loved me was my grandma. Except that even she, in acknowledging the way my mother was with me, said that jer priority would always be, and her loyalty would always lie with my mother. That she loved her more because that was her daughter and the way things were. To find out that the only person you believe loved you loves your abuser more, and that they won't protect you from them because protecting that person is more important than protecting you (a child) from them is pretty devastating.

All this stuff about just valuing yourself and loving yourself. I don't even know what it means.

I don't put myself in risky situations and my boundaries are a lot better than they used to be. But that's because I understand the motivations of others better now and I don't trust many people.

This isn't about me lamenting a lack of a boyfriend, or thinking that I need one because I can't do things for myself.

It's much more fundamental than that. It's the realisation that all my fears as a child have been proved as an adult. And a loss of hope.

As a child I believed that one day I might have good solid dependable friends who really knew and liked me. Now I have 'friends'. But none of them know me. Much of myself and my life is a secret because I worry about how they'd judge me. And yes, I know real friends wouldn't judge but I don't wamt to find out that they're not. Iyswim.

I also believed that one day I'd find someone who loved me. I haven't. Whether I was born unlovable or made this way, I am unlovable. I wouldn't recognise it, or know what to do with it. I'm not even sure I am capable of it myself.

I have children, but mostly I just feel guilty that I am all they have.

I'm of an age now where any romantic love I could have would be with someone who had a past; who had previously loved and been loved.AndI find that hard. I can't really explain why. A feeling of inadequacy maybe? A fear that I won't be able to compete with their younger, more attractive loves? The argument that we all have a past and have been loved before doesn't work. And it just reminds me that it's not going to work and I don't have that and then I feel foolish for believing it were possible anyway. So I shut it down and then that's the end of that. Not that it happens very often anyway!

I've recently lost a 'good' friend who did know a bit about me. She told me all the things she didn't like and thought I should change about myself to make me more likeable/tolerable and they were all the things that are a legacy of an abusive/unhappy childhood. In fact pretty much everything about me. That's proved to me that I made mistake in letting her in and means I just won't do it again.

What scares me the most is the loss of hope. At least before I always "maybe one day..." to keep me going. But now I often feel like I'm just weary of the whole thing now. Like I've tried in different times and places with different people and I can't make this life thing work. The thought that I'm only half way through terrifies me. If I'm honest. It fills me with dread and is one of my big anxiety triggers.

Ace post springy. Thank you. Hope the chemo goes as well as it possibly can x

I suppose I manage by muddling along. I have a DS who is young enough to love me unconditionally which is wonderful and mind blowing (though I know that will come to an end when he hits his teens). I have good friends and an interesting job and I'm lucky enough to get on well with my family. But I do miss romantic hugs and I really miss sex and if I let myself think about it, it does get me down that in all probability I will never have sex again (I am enough of a realist to know that men do not find women in their fifties attractive as new girlfriend material - ot is different if they are in a ltr which started when younger - tgen there is a whole shared history to draw on. But no stranger is going to look at me - slightly overweight, wrinkles and saggy bits- and think "I fancy her". But I still have a sex drive, unfortunately). Mostly I try not to think about it.

No, not just can't compete with younger, more attractive loves (although that is part of it - part of my mother's legacy), just the very fact they have loved and been loved makes me realise it's just normal and people do love and are loved. So the fact I haven't means it's me. And I know they're never going to love me like that, so what's the point in even trying/getting involved/being hurt...?

Same with friends. It's a vicious circle. Explaining why I am like I am might help people to understand, but I think if I told them some of it they'd view me differently. Well I know they would because it's happened.

My children just deserve better than this.

I'm sorry for the pity party. I just feel very heavy hearted and sad today.

Oh dear you poor darling, you are feeling low. Obviously you have felt rejected and unloved as a child and have not been able to overcome it. Some people have a tricky time in childhood, but they get just enough love somewhere along the line to overcome it. Equally you sometimes find that two children in the same family have the same loveless upbringing but because of their personality differences one sinks and one swims.

A Nelson Mandela quote comes to mind, think it was him, anyhow.

' Two men look out through prison bars, ons sees mud, the other sees stars'.

I do think there is a lot of truth in this. In the same vein, I think many people actually make their own prison bars by their thoughts and fears about things.

Thinking in a negative way is a downward spiral. The only way is down. No chance of going up.

But honestly reading your post I think you need to talk to someone who is qualified in helping people overcome deep rooted issues. What have you got to lose? Make the change. The first step is making an appointment. Ask your doctor to recommend someone.

I am sure there are lots of great things about you, but you are dwelling on the negative. You need help to get out of this thought pattern. You are drowning in a sea of negativity.

Another favourite saying of mine comes to mind, 'When you are up to your neck in mud fighting the alligators, it's easy to forget your main objective is to drain the swamp.'

One small step, make an appointment. Start draining that dratted swamp! Go on you can do this. You have a lot of life ahead of you, things to look forward to. Love to you.