has anyone got any advice about living without love?

[patriciapractical]

NC as I'm ashamed. I don't know how to live without love. I don't have a partner. I have been on my own for a long time. Can anyone tell me what to do? I just can't handle it any more. I am looking for some advice in addition to: have you tried online dating, joined a hobby group, made sure you keep in contact with friends, volunteer, exercise, help others, try something new. I know all those things. They are great and help get through the day but doing those things does not make up for a loveless life. Has anyone come to terms with this condition and can tell me something useful? I just don't know what to do anymore. I had some therapy this year and specifically raised the subject of loneliness with the therapist. In fact that was my "presenting" issue. This is killing me. Maybe someone here at least found peace with it and can tell me how to do the same.

Oops. That was long. Sorry!

Not at all it explains a lot of how you feel and that mother of yours why just why do they say things like that?. Might it be that she was screwed up somewhere in her upbringing as that sure ain't normal !

I have seen this in first wife's mum but when you hear what happen to her its no bloody wonder how it happens

FWIW I don't think a curvy size 12 is unattractive at all. I don't find skinny women particularly that sexy;!. As long as there are no size 0 on here to take offence;!

personalty/character?, what's wrong with then then? I'd find some
eccentricity rather nice someone who wasn't the norm. The "norm" that's grey and boring!.

It's so frustrating to read of all the loneliness around Mumsnet & everywhere else over the years I have been a member, and not be able to help or give support to them, problems like loneliness are not apparent on local MN sites,where help & support could be easier to give or receive.
As for being told you are too big or the wrong shape for a relationship, well that just speaks volumes about the person with that view & they need dumping soon as possible.

"My mother told me I was unattractive and no one would ever love me. Seems that it's true and mother did know best afterall."

In my case it was my peers saying that rather than my mother. The problem, if you internalise their voices, is that it does become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You either sub-consciously pick people who confirm your thoughts that you're unloveable or you get your rejection in first and dump them before they dump you. (And you do say, Folkgirl that you split up with the men - it wasn't actually their decision). Personally I have worked out on a logical level what's going on with me. Rationally I know what they said is utter bollocks. Even Hitler had a wife so it's not as if I can't manage to find someone. The trouble is, I think on an emotional level part of me still believes it enough for me to put barriers up and keep people out.

Day to day, rather than despair, I stay "in the moment". Here and now things are fine. There are a lot of good things in my life. Will I ever have sex again? Probably. I'm 43 so it seems a bit odd to declare it won't happen. Will I find the love of my life? I doubt it but it might happen and even if it doesn't, here and now I'm OK so I don't need it to happen. I just don't think one person can provide so much for me. That has to come from elsewhere. A partner might be a bit of a bonus but fundamentally it's not going to be the thing that decides my happiness. After all I thought I'd met the man I would have children with and he turned out to be a weapons-grade, industrial-strength wanker, so obviously it's not entirely the answer.

I'm nearly 45 and been single for more than 10 years. I have always had hope I'll meet someone but it's starting to feel less likely now. I've no idea why I seem to repel men. I'm finding it harder to believe I'm attractive because it's nice to have someone say it from time to time. Sadly I've not even had a date in over two years. The good thing is that I no longer care about carrying extra weight and I'm not entirely unhappy being single. It does make me sad though to think of people feeling alone.

You're right, gabilan, I did finish it with them. But my biggest fear is being 'settled for'. It's an even bigger fear than being alone. Because I've already been there.

So as soon as it became clear I was not what they were truly looking for, I ended it. I'm not being anyone's second best/consolation prize.

If someone doesn't look at me and think they're lucky to have found me/I'm the best thing to have happened to them, I don't want them. No one is ever going to think that, ergo I shall remain single.

You have some wonderful replies here with very sensible advice. To add my own thoughts I would say that the loneliest place I have ever been is in a double bed with someone I should have felt close to, but there was a chasm between us. I have been on my own for ten years. Yes, I felt lonely at first. But love comes from a variety of places, and the thing is the more you give out the more comes back to you. I live alone, but have a wonderful dog. Now he gives boundless love and I recommend a pet to anyone who feels loveless! A few good friends I can call at the end of the day for a chat. A single neighbour who pops in for a glass of wine a couple of evenings a week. All these things make a difference. Perhaps we are conditioned to expect things to be a certain way. We expect to have love in our lives in the form of a romantic attachment. Expectations like this only set ourselves up for disappointment. Enjoy the moment, let life unfold. Don't spend your life waiting for this one thing you think will make you happy. Happiness is made up of a myriad of little things. Like the warmth of my electric blanket in the early hours of the morning when I can't sleep which is my current situation!
Don't just drift on expecting things to improve. Treat your life like a business. If it is not working for you tweak it until it does. Write down all the things you want to change and implement small changes. If something doesn't work, try something else. After ten years of being on my own I am happier than I have ever been. Add to your life in layers. Friends, a pet, family, hobbies and interests, doing things for others, looking after yourself, and so on. Make your life a rich tapestry. Good luck!

marzipan I know your post isn't to me, however, I've done all those things. I work, I have 2 hobbies outside of the home that are very sociable, I'm involved with a charity.

I've had to scale back some of these because I ran out of time. But it makes no difference. I don't have a couple of good friends I can chat with at the end of the day. I don't have anyone in a significant sense.

"If someone doesn't look at me and think they're lucky to have found me/I'm the best thing to have happened to them, I don't want them.*

Totally agree with that. I don't want someone who just thinks "oh you'll do". It's why I avoid men who are in relationships but who want out and are lining someone up before they commit to dumping the current GF. I'm not someone's exit strategy and I want them to be with me because they want me, not because they dislike being single and I'm handy.

"No one is ever going to think that, ergo I shall remain single."

Not so sure about that. I don't know you personally but from what you write on here you seem intelligent, thoughtful and self-aware. Those are great qualities to have. I'm not going to say "oh there's someone for everyone, you just haven't met them yet" as I don't think that's helpful. Plenty of people make it into advanced old age without meeting someone and basic demographics indicate that we can't all have someone. BUT neither do I think anyone is really unloveable or couldn't possibly be special to someone somewhere. The problem is A. meeting them and B. meeting them when they're available.

I would try counselling again and also looking in to mindfulness (there's a brilliant, free, online course running on this at the moment. Please PM for details).

I think the advice earlier about breaking your loneliness down in to its constituent bits helps a lot.

I am not saying I want to be single forever, but I would say that being single has helped me learn so much about love beyond the narrow perspective I had when I was in a LTR.

I do think we are socially conditioned into thinking we should have a significant other of the opposite sex. Obviously in our child bearing years there is an animal attraction between sexes which is so strong it propels us into finding a mate and having children. Which is nature's absolutely amazing way of ensuring the continuance of the species. Nature is truly amazing. I mean if sex wasn't such a delightful experience the human race would die out!

Men of course are programmed to spread their seed far and wide for as long as they are, well, able to. Women are programmed to nurture their offspring and ensure they successfully reach adulthood. They even have a vested interest in nurturing their grandchildren. There is a dilemma! Men are programmed to do one thing and we are programmed to do another! Mars and Venus again!

As women pass the menopause they are less concerned with having a man around, well, except for DIY jobs around the house, oh and when the car goes wrong and other manly jobs!!

And as for marriage. With the divorce rate approaching 50%, one wonders why people keep doing it. Would I get on a plane to fly to New York for a holiday if there was only a 50% chance it would get there? Second and third marriages have an even higher rate of failure. In spite of the differences between men and women, and the spiralling divorce rate, we keep plugging away looking for. Mr Right!

When we feel something is missing from our lives, can we really be sure it is the constant company of Prince Charming? Does he really exist except in fairy tales? I lowered the bar on my expectation chart years ago and now
I find I reach my happy life goals relatively easily!

I disagree with much of that marzipan (but I have username envy).

Everyone I was thinking recently of starting a thread for single people. I wouldn't want it to be a support thread so much as a place for inspiring and encouraging and sharing.

I didn't think there'd be much interest, but this thread has got me thinking again. What do you think? Anyone interested??

I quite literally have a PhD in why I disagree with Marzipan. Some stuff just makes me want to smack people around the head with one of Anne Fausto-Sterling's books.

I think it's a great idea. As this thread has shown, we are all at a different chapter of life, and each of us would have some knowledge and experience we could share to hopefully encourage, support, reassure and let people know they are not the only ones coping with what seem to be insurmountable problems. And that everything does end and there is always a light at the end of that proverbially tunnel!

Now Gabilan, we have to live and let live. We are a country with free speech. We are all entitled to our opinions whether based on knowledge from books or life experience. There is no right and no wrong. It all depends how you decide to view it. Just because people don't share your view does not make them wrong. They just see things differently. Just because someone has written books on a subject also does not make them right, it is their opinion. Which is why many books on many things totally contradict each other.

I'm in my 50s and I've been on my own for about 8 years now. Without being too self pitying, I think the only unconditional love I've had in my life was from my children when they were small. I read some of the upbeat threads on here and feel sad that I've never experienced the kind of wonderfully supportive relationships that other people have.

I am resigned to being on my own - that saddens me but it is preferable to being in a destructive marriage as I was for 20 years. My solution to loneliness has been to get a dog - my daughter jokes that I've replaced her with a dog. It sucks though - I had some really good news but I had no-one to tell who'd really be interested.

Marzipan, you are entitled to your own opinions. You are not however, entitled to your own facts.

"I don't like gardening" is an opinion. "I think Corbyn is a knob end" is an opinion. Men of course are programmed to spread their seed far and wide for as long as they are, well, able to is being presented by you as a fact, albeit one with a very dubious evidential basis that's quite probably wrong (and a dodgy programming metaphor).

As women pass the menopause they are less concerned with having a man around, well, except for DIY jobs around the house, oh and when the car goes wrong and other manly jobs!!

Again, if you'd said "I found when I was menopausal I was less bothered about having a man around" that would be opinion. What you've done here is to state it as if it's a fact that applies to everyone. It doesn't, and it's quite offensive.

Oh and freedom of speech? That applies to me to. You're entitled to spout this stuff, I'm entitled to answer back.

Ok, I'll start a thread, but not whilst this one, OP's is going still so active. I want it to be a positive thread, and one that supports healthy relationship-building of all types but isn't a "Finding Love Support Thread". It'd be nice to have somewhere to check in to and let people know how your day is going and to get support or a pat on the back when it's needed.

Well, I have passed the menopause and the thought that I will never have sex again is horrible, I have to face that possibility though...

hopefully if I find someone he will be good at DIY as well :)

Of course it applies to you and indeed to everybody else. The thing is I don't take offence at other peoples opinion. Why would I? Equally if someone says something I disagree with, I try not to react by saying things like 'it makes me want to smack them round the head'. You see, to me that smacks of 'I am right and the person who has a different view is wrong and rather stupid'. I don't want to get into an argument about it. I have always found that a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still!
Perhaps I could have inserted a few words like, 'most of the women I know find that when they pass the menopause.....' When one is posting, some comments are a bit tongue in cheek. I realise it often makes people rather indignant and I did not mean to offend. Perhaps I should have said, 'in many species, the male is by nature designed to service, not one, but many females as in for example, a herd of deer or a pride of lions, thus ensuring his seed will produce as many offspring as possible. Could it be perhaps that the human male is designed the same way? I would not like to say that is the case but there is certainly a small possibility that it could be so'. Anyhow it's gin o'clock so I wish you well and let's be friends and not argue. Cheers.

marzipan123

'in many species, the male is by nature designed to service, not one, but many females as in for example, a herd of deer or a pride of lions, thus ensuring his seed will produce as many offspring as possible. Could it be perhaps that the human male is designed the same way?

You really want to know;!. Course he does, he's been like that since long before homo erectus got up on two legs!.