Should I trust him after possible infidelity

[lydiajane01]

At the start of the year I saw some messages between my husband and a female friend from work. They seemed to be discussing his potential infidelity not with her but another woman in their department. Husband swore blind that he hadn't actually gone through with it just had his head turned by this woman.

The female friend he was chatting to about it is someone I know. I wouldn't say we are as close friends like she is with my husband, as they spend time socialising as a group with some other friends from work, but I would say we are friends. She's invited me out to her birthday's and some "girly nights" over the last few years

Husband and I almost split up over it but we decided to work through the issues. There was a lot else going on at the same time which lead him to say he felt neglected by me and when the OW had started to "come on to him" he'd felt flattered and enjoyed the attention.

The things he was telling his female work friend was fairy graphic but I do believe him that nothing actually happened with OW. He admits he didn't intend for me to see their messages, he said he used to delete anything that wasn't purely innocent friendly chat, so I would like to believe that he didn't physically cheating otherwise he would have given his female friend the details in that conversation

I was very angry and became rather jealous of his friendship with his female friend because a) he was discussing his potential cheating with her b) that he was obviously confiding in her over me on a rang of other issues. I've never had any problem with their friendship before as she is very nice and friendly but as part of the getting through what he'd done I asked him to talk to her a bit less until I was over my jealousy.

My issue comes now that although he did stop talking to her so much for a while he's been talking to her an awful lot again recently. He's open with his Work laptop (another condition of us not splitting) and I admit I had a look a few nights ago. His email account is full of emails from them! some work related but others are obviously just long chatty emails. I felt a tiny bit jealous again but was prepared to let it lie until I noticed something slightly odd. In a few of his emails he says things like I will text you or check your whatsapp. At first she questions why and he makes it clear whatever it is he wanted to say isn't appropriate for email at work.

Husband took passcode off his phone at my request after I saw him talking about cheating. I took the chance to look at his phone and found hundreds of messages between him and his female friend on whatapps. It looks like they message on it during work, most evenings after work and occasionally on weekends. Now they are good friends so I would expect the to chat a bit but I now feel very insecure and jealous about the amount he talks to her! I read a large chuck of the messages and they are all totally innocent but it just really bothered me.

I checked his normal text messages because my Husband specifically mentioned that she should read her text messages in an email he sent last week. I may be being over suspicious or paranoid but I definitely feel like he's been deleting some of the messages. I also got the impression from one conversation just before the bank holiday they were meeting up somewhere. It was a bit odd as it was clearly during the day at work. He said he was leaving now and she said see you in 5 minutes. I don't really see why they would need to go meet up somewhere as they sit near each other

I can't decide if I should believe my husband or not when he says he didn't actually cheat. I also don't know how much I trust his friendship with his friend. Its clear they are still very very close and talking all the time and although the chats are very innocent I have this gnawing feeling that he's deleting messages again. He would only be doing that if he had something to hide. He's very open with his phone, laptop and work laptop which makes me feel like I must be being silly. If he was cheating he wouldn't let me near them surely?!

In all their chats I've seen no mention of the original OW so I fully believe him when he says he cut all contact with her but this last week I've been questioning his "friendship" with this female friend. I feel like they are too close but he obviously has no intentions of giving up his friendship with her

She is in a long term relationship, engaged with 2 daughters

I realise this was very long but I really needed to get it off my chest

[Havalina1]

How are you Lydia? Thinking of you.

[Hissy]

I doubt it spiney, it's more like its against the guy code and he is more worried about what a bloke thinks than his wife, and also it's out of a sense of loyalty to OW, not wanting her to get into trouble.

[cozietoesie]

With someone like this, I'd always plump for the 'self-interest' motive.

Whatever that might be - there are so many!

[lydiajane01]

Sorry i've not been updating as much its been a real eventful week.

I've told my parents who were shocked and devastated. I don;t know if its just because they are that generation but my mother asked did i think I could put it in the past if he wanted to come. I told her I couldn't he had already betrayed my trust once in Jan and he then started (or maybe carried) an affair with FF. I don't care if it was "just sex" I gave him a chance to save our marriage and he threw it away.

He told his parents we were separating for a while as I needed space. MiL called me to ask what was going on. She knows her son and knows he wasn't telling her everything. Shifty was the way she described him, I told her exactly what had happened and also how i'd caught him attempting an affair in Jan. I was very clear that I'd given him a 2nd chance then and his shagging the FF was end of the line for me. I have to say she was lovely she was completely shocked by his behaviour and told me she / FiL would be here for me and DCs.

Husband called to tell me that after i'd told MiL what had happened she told him he wasn't welcome to stay with them that he could either go knocking on his FF door, get a hotel or sleep on a friends sofa,. I don't think it will last but I do think she's making the point that he did wrong "made his own bed" as the saying goes

I've told Husband that I won't be keeping it quiet so FF should come clean to her fiancé now or it could all get very nasty for her. I don't know what will come of it. I'm guessing her fiancé will walk so that awful horrible sick stomach twisting feeling in me thinks "what if he walks will FF and Husband give it a go?"

cozietoesie I don't think it will cause either of them to lose their jobs or anything like that but i expect it will make things horrible for them at work. Both of them work in fairly important positions (although different type of job roles) where they are expected to behave with a certain level of professional discretion. I would imagine that an affair exposed would lead both of there professionalism to be questioned. I would think that the people they work for would lose the a degree of trust in the pair of them.

DCs have been questioning where Daddy is which has been very hard for me, I think I will have to take them somewhere special tomorrow and explain that Daddy won't be living at home any more. I don;t really kow how to explain it. What i want to say is that Daddy did something naughty that has upset mummy and now wont be living at home but i'm also aware that he is their dad and no matter what I think and feel about him I shouldn't make them think badly of him for their sakes as well as his.

I've spent most of this week flitting between intense anger and hysterical crying.

[Florene]

Don't say that to your children. I know it's tempting but you are a good mum and you know that wouldn't be the best thing for them.

Tell them that Mummy and Daddy love them very much, but that Daddy is going to be living elsewhere. And that it's not going to change how you both feel about them.

And maybe tell them together. I know you're beyond furious with him, but you should both be there for reassurance if possible.

[DragonsCanHop]

Tell him he has to speak to the DC, he can tell them what Florence said ^ why should you have to go through that. Then you take them some where nice with your brave face on and let them know it will be alright.

He needs to feel what he has done. If him and FF do end up giving it a go then so what, you saw him with her in your home, that is not something you will ever forget and he did it after being given a chance in only January, the guy is a total selfish prick and so is she.

So pleased you aren't keeping his secrets take a little pleasure in how much FF must be shitting herself right now, not knowing if this is the moment you will tell her fiancé.

Make sure to look after yourself with food and rest my lovely.

[SpringTown46]

You shouldn't use the word 'naughty' - it's often used to describe children's behaviour- they could think if they are 'naughty' then they may be sent away.

[lydiajane01]

Thank you for the advice on telling the DCs. Its just so hard and I hate that he's put me in the position. I'm so worried they'll blame me for not letting Daddy come home because they won't understand what he's done.

[DragonsCanHop]

Of course they won't understand, you are their protector. Seriously, I'd tell him he has to do it. He caused this. Stick with mummy and daddy can't live together anymore for now.

[lydiajane01]

The house feels so lonely tonight. I'm watching the rugby alone, I don't even like rugby that much but Husband loves its so almost out of habit i'm watching it.

[cozietoesie]

Remind me how (very roughly) old the DCs are?

No, I doubt they'll lose their jobs - it's extraordinarily difficult to lose a job for foul behaviour alone these days - but it won't be at all pleasant for them and large organisations tend to take a surprisingly puritanical view of people's behaviour in these circumstances. I wouldn't be at all surprised if a number of people take an interest over the next few weeks in eg the content of their work phone/computer/email accounts and expenses claims.

You're doing nobly, there, even though it may not feel like it at the moment. I'm full of awe that you were so restrained when you came across them. (I'd probably have let rip and done some bodily injury.)

[lydiajane01]

I think I was in too much shock I just couldn't quite understand what was happening so it was like some part of me took over i just kept thinking I need to get out of here and I need them to be gone. It was horrible I remember that horrible burning sensation you get when you've got really bad heart burn or been a bit sick.

DCs are almost 10 and 7

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

lydia I'm afraid I agree that your mum's reaction was probably a generational thing - women didn't always have the options we have now, so hanging on, brushing things under the carpet and keeping up appearances sometimes became a bit of a habit

Also agree that your MIL's approach will almost certainly change; hopefully the DC will still be able to see her, but in order to save you a lot of pain that might have to be through him rather than you eventually

Like everyone else I'm frankly stunned at how strong you're being; I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but that's what it is. And this is the woman he cheated on and threw away for the sake of a shag

[lydiajane01]

I don;t feel strong I feel like the worlds biggest idiot. Looking back I cant believe I was that trusting wife that believed that this FF was just a Friend

I want to know how long its been going on with her. I can't decide what will hurt me more. If its a long standing thing or if its happened since I gave him his 2nd chance

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I just kept thinking I need to get out of here and I need them to be gone

And you were right

It's odd, isn't it, how instinct takes over and helps you to focus on the really crucial things first, leaving the devastation to come later

Please don't doubt for an instant that I appreciate how hideous what you saw was, but if there's anything positive at all, maybe it's this: You'll never have to wonder if maybe - just maybe - you might have jumped to conclusions or blamed him for something unfairly

[Clefduvin]

I was in your position 5 years ago. The OW befriended me, invited me on a girls' holiday, asked to be my bridesmaid, gave my kids lifts etc. (I think she was trying to steal my life). My ex was a snivelling wreck when I uncovered the truth. I did NOT behave with the dignity and poise that you have shown.
5 years later my life is better than I could have dreamed possible.You will come to realise that you had a lucky escape, I promise you. The loneliness will pass.
Your ex will either bitterly regret what he did or will never reach the point of emotional maturity where he is able to give a flying fuck. Either way, you will come to view him as completely irrelevant.
It hurts like hell but it gives you strength and you already sound a million times stronger than him. He doesn't deserve you and I doubt he ever did. I hope they stay together forever; true justice. Plus it saves some other poor soul from being duped and betrayed by either of them.

[DragonsCanHop]

I agree, you are doing amazingly well but turn the fucking rugby over! Find something you would never have been able to watch. I love my trashy tv it helps me switch off from the daily grind.

Do you have sky to? Find a box set r old re runs of something you used to like and take some time for yourself.

[cozietoesie]

You're no idiot, lydia - you just trusted too well. This is the man you had children with after all - you're entitled to believe that he will, at least, be honest with you.

Sadly he wasn't. That doesn't make you stupid though - it makes him a shit.

[cozietoesie]

One thing that's quite important is to remake the bed with fresh sheets etc and eg have a bath/shower and fresh nightclothes before you get into it - change it even if you currently have no plans to go to bed tonight for even a rest. (Ideally it would be good if you had unused bedding but I appreciate that you'll likely not have that lying around in a cupboard.)

Good luck tonight. There will usually be someone around here if you need to come on and talk in the wee small hours.

[lydiajane01]

Cherrybakewells1 No not at all! Its been a very very intense weekend. The DCs now know Daddy is not coming home again. My eldest is not taking it well he's angry at Daddy. From what my eldest tells me a few of the day trips husband took them on during the summer they bumped into FF and her children. They didn't go with them or spend that much time with them but they all played together for a little while. Husband has known FF for a few years so the kids have hung out before and know each other but my eldest said to me that it felt different but he though that was just because I wasn't there neither was her Fiancé.

I don't really know what to say. Eldest DC is a clever boy and has basically figured it out but I don't want to say anything that will wreck Husbands relationship with the DCs

Husband text me yesterday evening to say FF was telling her fiancé that night because she doesn't want him finding out from anyone else. He was still defending FF so we had a bit of a blazing row. Its all too much for me right now. I went out and got a new phone today. I still have a few months left on my old contract so plan to reduce it to a very low tariff and just keep it to sort child related things with Husband. I don't really want him having my knew number.

Sounds a bit nuts but it was a very liberating feeling getting a new phone and number. feels like a clean break...

Husband says we need to talk properly next week about how this is all going to work from now on. I'm dreading it. I do not want him back because he's betrayed me but I also feel like if FF loses her fiancé over this then they may get together. That makes me feel sick so sick. I don't want her having him and I don't want them playing happy families with my children.

He said I should think about custody arrangements too

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

You are doing brilliantly, well done.

Look, if they wanted to be together properly and honestly then they would have left their respective partners before any of this began.

But they didn't - they chose to cheat, lie and manipulate. That is how they get their kicks - all the sneaking around and 'secret' meetings. They also had the extra thrill of pretending to be innocent friends texting and emailing right under your nose.

So, if they do get together, it won't last because suddenly it's not so exciting anymore. He finds out she picks her nose (rather than just discussing favourite sexual positions) and she learns he never does the washing up. Meanwhile, their children are disgusted with them, their work colleagues think they're idiots and they're paying out for two homes so have no money. Oh deary me, reality has hit and the grass ain't so much greener.

He'll come snivelling back and you'll have moved on and will tell him to do one.