Should I trust him after possible infidelity

[lydiajane01]

At the start of the year I saw some messages between my husband and a female friend from work. They seemed to be discussing his potential infidelity not with her but another woman in their department. Husband swore blind that he hadn't actually gone through with it just had his head turned by this woman.

The female friend he was chatting to about it is someone I know. I wouldn't say we are as close friends like she is with my husband, as they spend time socialising as a group with some other friends from work, but I would say we are friends. She's invited me out to her birthday's and some "girly nights" over the last few years

Husband and I almost split up over it but we decided to work through the issues. There was a lot else going on at the same time which lead him to say he felt neglected by me and when the OW had started to "come on to him" he'd felt flattered and enjoyed the attention.

The things he was telling his female work friend was fairy graphic but I do believe him that nothing actually happened with OW. He admits he didn't intend for me to see their messages, he said he used to delete anything that wasn't purely innocent friendly chat, so I would like to believe that he didn't physically cheating otherwise he would have given his female friend the details in that conversation

I was very angry and became rather jealous of his friendship with his female friend because a) he was discussing his potential cheating with her b) that he was obviously confiding in her over me on a rang of other issues. I've never had any problem with their friendship before as she is very nice and friendly but as part of the getting through what he'd done I asked him to talk to her a bit less until I was over my jealousy.

My issue comes now that although he did stop talking to her so much for a while he's been talking to her an awful lot again recently. He's open with his Work laptop (another condition of us not splitting) and I admit I had a look a few nights ago. His email account is full of emails from them! some work related but others are obviously just long chatty emails. I felt a tiny bit jealous again but was prepared to let it lie until I noticed something slightly odd. In a few of his emails he says things like I will text you or check your whatsapp. At first she questions why and he makes it clear whatever it is he wanted to say isn't appropriate for email at work.

Husband took passcode off his phone at my request after I saw him talking about cheating. I took the chance to look at his phone and found hundreds of messages between him and his female friend on whatapps. It looks like they message on it during work, most evenings after work and occasionally on weekends. Now they are good friends so I would expect the to chat a bit but I now feel very insecure and jealous about the amount he talks to her! I read a large chuck of the messages and they are all totally innocent but it just really bothered me.

I checked his normal text messages because my Husband specifically mentioned that she should read her text messages in an email he sent last week. I may be being over suspicious or paranoid but I definitely feel like he's been deleting some of the messages. I also got the impression from one conversation just before the bank holiday they were meeting up somewhere. It was a bit odd as it was clearly during the day at work. He said he was leaving now and she said see you in 5 minutes. I don't really see why they would need to go meet up somewhere as they sit near each other

I can't decide if I should believe my husband or not when he says he didn't actually cheat. I also don't know how much I trust his friendship with his friend. Its clear they are still very very close and talking all the time and although the chats are very innocent I have this gnawing feeling that he's deleting messages again. He would only be doing that if he had something to hide. He's very open with his phone, laptop and work laptop which makes me feel like I must be being silly. If he was cheating he wouldn't let me near them surely?!

In all their chats I've seen no mention of the original OW so I fully believe him when he says he cut all contact with her but this last week I've been questioning his "friendship" with this female friend. I feel like they are too close but he obviously has no intentions of giving up his friendship with her

She is in a long term relationship, engaged with 2 daughters

I realise this was very long but I really needed to get it off my chest

[Optimist1]

So sorry to read your update, OP. Your trust has been betrayed in the worst possible way. There will be hard times ahead but you will survive them.

[Fannyupcrutch]

What an absolute arsehole of a man. I am so sorry for you OP. And yyour children. You all deserve better , take some time to acclimatise and catch your breath. It must be all up in the air for you.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I just want to pour bleach on the sofa

I don't mean to be flippant at such a time, but won't you have to give him back the work laptop at some point? I'm just thinking that maybe you could leave it outside for him

On the sofa

[bjrce]

Hi op,

Y
Even though everything has fallen apart, you are in a position of power, if you have his pass words to his work laptop, phone etc, I would get into them now before he returns and takes them, and get copies of any incriminating info, you may need this in the future

[cozietoesie]

Personally, I wouldn't talk to him any more except for the practicalities and legalities - eg about your DCs. What is the point? The relationship is over and you will never know again whether a single thing he says to you is truthful.

[saffronwblue]

Op what an awful and graphic way to find out the worst. I don't see that you have much to discuss with him other than logistics, financial arrangements and access to dc. I hope you do tell the fiancé.

[WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere]

He wants to talk? Really?

What on earth does he think a chat would solve.

[ravenmum]

Hope your friends are able to support you ...

Agree that you have not been stupid; you have been decent and thought the best of your husband. He's used your decency to help him act like shit, but don't allow him to turn you into someone who thinks that expecting the best of people is stupid.

Why is he texting you? Trying to make sure that you don't tell the fiancé? When I found out about my husband's affair I discovered that the OW's husband had already found them out six months previously. I didn't blame him for not telling me, as he didn't know me, but if he had told me it would have saved me six months' more confusion and awful gaslighting.

Isn't it horrible that they do this shameful thing, and you end up the one that feels ashamed? I told everyone what my husband had done, but still ended up feeling sorry that I might have sounded bitter when telling them !

[IrianofWay]

"Why can't men work on relationships at home with their own wife/partner instead of getting their kicks with other women and ruining lives?"

Because it's easier. If he works on his own marriage he will have to look at himself and his own part in the problems. Finding someone new is much nicer and doesn't require any introspection. That's why being found it is so painful and often results in excessive nastiness from the cheater to carry on avoiding his own failings.

[IrianofWay]

BTW OP it isn't stupid to trust someone who promised to care for you. It's normal and human. x

[lydiajane01]

Thanks all for the kind words and great advice.

My both my friends came over last night to help me sort through paper work, his stuff and also strip down the sofa so the covers can all be washed. First thing I plan to do tonight is get home and order a new sofa from the going account money. I feel sick just looking at the one they were having sex on.

He's been calling and texting trying to explain. Apparently he wants me to understand what's happened and why it's happened. I pretty much lost my temper and replied that I understand perfectly what's happened he was caught shagging another woman in my house and it's happened because he can't keep it on his pants. Maybe not my finest moment but it was getting rather upsetting.

He hasn't actually said but I'm assuming he wants to talk because as with last time he will want us to work on our marriage and all that bollocks. I was a fool to give him another chance in Jan and believe him when he said it was. A lapse in judgement head turned nothing happened. I'm not sure I can do it alone but I refuse to put myself through that again!

I don't know about telling the fiancé if he knew I'd want to know but I just hate the idea that is be hurting another person and their children. Husband and ff should have that on the I conscious not me. I'm assuming the fact he doesn't want me to tell him means FF had no intentions of leaving her fiancé so what the fuck was the point of shagging my husband

[WhoTheFIsJeff]

I can't believe he wants you to try and understand. What a twat. He will try and justify this (and of course it will be your fault), and minimise his behaviour. It is not your fault.

If I was the fiancé I would want to know.

[lydiajane01]

I just don't understand him right now. why bother begging me to not leave him and saying he wants to work on our marriage if he was just going to go sleep with someone else!! And if the intention wasn't they leave their respective partners why did he think it was worth the risk of losing me and the children

[thehypocritesoaf]

God, what a horrid pair they are. You poor thing.

What on earth does he need to talk about? He must think you're soft.

Re. The fiancee. I would pass on the message that you might tell.
Hopefully, the uncertainty will screw her over even more. Then in a few months time I might tell him.

[lydiajane01]

I'm going to text him to say that I am telling my parents / family today. I've given him to tell his parents by tonight otherwise I will tell them myself.

I'll make it clear that I haven't decided if I'll tell her fiancee or not but that I will be telling friends and I WONT be hiding the reason for the separation. As there is a few mutual friends in the pool and people like to gossip it's therefore likely word will get out near her fiancee in the near future so she should either come clean or be prepared for the fall out.

Reading that back I sound horrible but I'm not going to let him make me Ashamed or keep his dirty little secret. They both betrayed me and now need to learn the consequences! Husband is always telling DCs that their actions have consequences. Time he took his own advice

[OneDay103]

You poor thing
What an utterly horrible person he is. Ffs to have the auduacity to bring her to your home, your children's home!!
He planned it out so well, arranging for his parents to keep the dc, counting on you working late, being 'ill'. How devious and calculating.
Please do NOT fall for any lines.
You've caught the live show, nothing could ever take that image from your mind.
As for that bitch, tell her fiancé , he doesn't deserve to waste his life and be in your position with a few kids down the line. Don't feel bad about telling him, you owe her nothing.
Take it one step at a time. Tell your parents and his, don't keep his dirty secret for him.

[Inertia]

I'm so sorry.

You're absolutely right to tell the truth about what's happened, otherwise he will spin it to make it your fault just like he did last time. I'd also tell both families before he has the chance to lie about it to them.

I'd find it very hard to resist the temptation to have the sofa delivered to her house with a note saying that she's welcome to both your husband and the sofa she shagged him on , but I don't recommend that as a course of action.

[pocketsaviour]

You don't sound horrible at all, you sound strong.

If you have a smartphone you can easily block his texts and calls. Just google "how to block number [iphone 5/Samsung galaxy 2/htc one/whatever" and you'll find instructions. On my phone you have to do it twice, once from the phone screen and once on the texts screen.

And you certainly can cope alone. There are millions of women right now coping very well on their own without a useless fuckwit in their lives. Hundreds, nay thousands of them, here on MN! Don't doubt yourself for a minute. Stay strong and keep drinking

[WhoTheFIsJeff]

I would also tell family and friends before he starts to lie to them. You don't sound horrible at all, you sound amazing.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Why bother begging me to not leave him and saying he wants to work on our marriage if he was just going to go sleep with someone else

Probably because he wanted to keep you "on side" and have a nice home to go back to, while still enjoying his rutting elsewhere - as with all the rest, it just illustrates that he honestly thinks it's all about him

I also agree with PPs that you're absolutely right to rely on your support network of friends; no doubt he'd rather it was all kept quiet but that's just too bad

And on the "why did I do such-and-such" I'll share again the wise words of a dear friend who told me that you can only do what seems right at the time - other options might look attractive with hindsight, but you can't possibly know how they'd have turned out either. It's something I've never forgotten ...

[cozietoesie]

And don't tell him you 'don't understand him'! He would adore that - and, sadly, lying is often not particularly complex behaviour.