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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Typically how quickly do you have sex with a new guy?

113 replies

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 20:39

I keep hearing about the "3 date rule". I can't imagine feeling ready to bang after just 3 dates though. I find sex is better when I really know and care about the person.

You?

OP posts:
RaspberryBeret34 · 11/09/2015 10:42

Just rtft - nobody sets out to have sex with every first date, only the ones they actually fancy and want to (which may be all of them and that's OK too). And decent men don't mind how long it takes (and may even want to wait themselves although not necessarily) and they wouldn't judge if you wanted to have sex on the first date. I've never had any issues from men with me wanting to wait - at times I've waited longer than others, just depends how I'm feeling etc.

NotSoDesperateHousewife · 11/09/2015 10:48

I shagged my (now) husband as a one night stand. No morals Grin

ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 11:06

OP the question is do you think that it's wrong to have a lot of sexual partners?

Abundatia · 11/09/2015 11:17

Morally wrong? Definitely not. Physically unhealthy? Possibly. Emotionally messy? Potentially but not necessarily.

OP posts:
ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 11:30

I've had a lot of sexual partners, I've always used protection, have been checked regularly and I've never had an STI. It's never affected me emotionally. I'm not advocating you going out and sleeping with all and sundry if it's not right for you, just for you to have sex when you're ready and not be bound by any rules.

Also I think you're doing a disservice to men, not all men want sext straight away, just like some women.

TheMarxistMinx · 11/09/2015 12:12

From age 16 I have had three long term relationships. I did once try and have a ons but he had other ideas and we ended up in a relationship.

I find the reasons people give for rushing in quite strange, counter-intuitive and lacking logic Smile

Wanting to see if there is any chemistry I would think that one would/could work this out long before they take their clothes off. Wanting to have sex with that other person should be enough to denote that there is at least some chemistry. Unless sex is all about receiving physical sensations. In which case one could simply have anyone if they simply put a peg on their nose, cotton in their ears and wore a blindfold! or better still plug themselves into Nozik's experience machine.

Wanting to see if we are sexually compatible If sex is more than just about receiving physical pleasure, and is/or should/ is better to be about having a real mental/emotional and physical connection with someone (and chemistry here makes another appearance!) then if one has developed respect, a bond, and an affection for that person it is possible that the sex could actually better, just as sex often improves with someone as you get to know them better. Plenty of recent threads about men's first night nerves and questions about whether it will get better.

Sleeping with someone and waking up with them requires more trust than having sex with them If you wait to get to know that person you will have had some time to ascertain if they are likely to throttle you in your sleep. It a very small minority of men who murder their victims whilst the victim sleeps. However with the advent of on tap porn which is increasingly violent and misogynistic it is perhaps more probable that your new sex partner could try something which is either uncomfortable, unwelcome, harmful, or just damn right odd to you.

As regards rules...well they were written by men for men, ignore and do what is best for you. Its like saying that sex must happen by date three, if it happens before your a slut, if it doesn't happen by date three you are frigid. Its all about the double standards that have to be applied to women's sexuality and behaviour. We can't win but lose.

BorisStoleMyWig · 11/09/2015 12:29

minx I said what I did about wanting to see how it would because I have experience of massive chemistry turning into shite sex with two men. I never would have expected it in either case but there you go. So nowadays I like to ensure that the chemistry is going to be good beyond a bit of snogging. And yes, I agree that sex improves with time but if it is really that awful to begin with I'm not prepared to put that time or effort in tbh.

The sleeping with someone comment isn't about being throttled. It's about vulnerability. It's about (in my case) not being able to see when I take my contact lenses out. It's about waking up and not feeling uncomfortable in someone else's bed or with them in mine. It's about feeling that they will respect your boundaries even when asleep. Maybe our backgrounds are different but those are the things I focus on, not whether or not he's going to throttle me.

StormCoat · 11/09/2015 12:33

Marxist, there are an awful lot of 'shoulds', actual and implicit, in your post.

Duckdeamon · 11/09/2015 12:38

what's your worry here? That you're not shagging men you find attractive on first dates, but would like to? or that things aren't progressing with men you like and you suspect it's because you didn't shag them?

How do you know what "the majority" do?

TheMarxistMinx · 11/09/2015 12:49

I lived in a fairly open house as a child, so maybe I have just been used to having people about the place. I have also slept in rooms, in beds, in dorms in tents with other people and not had sex with them.

If I felt uncomfortable waking up next to someone I am fairly certain I would feel even more uncomfortable having sex with them.

As regards boundaries, there is nothing more boundary pushing than having someone pushing into you. Women are not in the corporeal sense completely intact. We are usually the ones being penetrated. If our minds, our property and our bodies represent something that is personal to us, that we draw legal and moral boundaries around, why is it we are more likely to share our bodies than a sandwich with a hungry person, or our money with the homeless, or our homes with other people. Why have we now placed more value on personal property and other attributes such as "mind" over the importance we attach to our bodies? seems most at odds with the value we place on beauty, fashion, make up and appearing sexually attractive to other people.

But in the end it is each to their own.

TheMarxistMinx · 11/09/2015 12:52

StormCoat...I know, I am having a day where I am trying to be tactful, seemingly more friendly, and probably bloody failing Grin

pocketsaviour · 11/09/2015 13:01

Minx
why is it we are more likely to share our bodies than a sandwich with a hungry person, or our money with the homeless, or our homes with other people.

Because sex is free (unless you're a sex worker of course), but all of the others aren't?
Because you have finite money, housing and sandwiches, but sex doesn't run out?
Because food and shelter keeps you alive, whereas sex is great fun but not essential to live?

I have a sneaking suspicion that OP started this thread in order to get a bit goady about other peoples' choices. Rather poor form considering pretty much every commenter has said "You do what feels comfortable to you".

Northumberlandlass · 11/09/2015 13:07

There aren't any rules. Apart from when it's right for both of you!
The guy I'm seeing now, we met for coffee a couple of times, chatted on phone a lot & then hooked up.

I am nearly 43 Grin I can do whatever I want!

ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 13:12

MarxistMinx I don't have sex for any of those reasons. I have because I like it.

ShamelessHarpy · 11/09/2015 13:16

No rules.

Thinking of y serious relationships...

Guy 1 - probably about third or fourth 'date' if I remember rightly
Guy 2 - we were friends for years got drunk, did the deed, ended up together for a few years
Guy 3 - first night I met him Blush
My DH - about 3 months of dates and kissing etc...we both agreed we wanted to take it slowly for various reasons

I had various one night stands and casual encounters in between those, though Wink

Inexperiencedchick · 11/09/2015 13:23

OP I'm the same, very old fashioned.

And that mentality keeps me in/out of dating...

I don't think I'll be able to find someone who will understand my culture.

It's sad truth unfortunately.

I'll probably loose hope in the nearest future.

Good luck anyway

ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 13:27

Inexperiencedchick what is your culture? Are there no men from within your culture you can date?

TheMarxistMinx · 11/09/2015 13:36

ScarletRuby I did not give a list of reasons people have sex. I was interested in how people had come to their way of thinking, in terms of reasons to have sex sooner rather than later. I don't much mind if people want to have sex because the cat has to go to the vets or because they can't find anything interesting on tv.

Pocket yes all good points and I agree, this is very much how people probably think. Its a shame we have finite resources, or perhaps not, and yet we still have people who have no sandwiches and no homes. Tis a strange world indeed. Because the liberal conceptual link between mind and body, casts the body as something which is individually owned (like a car/house/banknote) to be disposed of by individuals as they see fit. And yet we have less respect for some bodies (ie sex workers/homeless/poor people), we simply don't extend the same rights to them.

Plus there are other weird anomalies about trust, sharing and proximity. We share our bodies through choice but not our beds over night. Howeber I am sure most would agree we would feel less affronted by sharing a bed with someone than have that person rape us. Then we revert to the idea of bodily integrity having privilege over other forms of person property. So I wonder what is more natural to share, ones body with ones neighbor or a sandwich? (or bed)

Which again leads back to the idea that under any system of thinking (traditional, modern, liberal, socialist) that what matters is that women have sex because they want to, not because of social pressures, written rules, or because they think they have to. Op does indeed smack of resentment.

Perhaps next we could discuss whether we can train men like dogs to sit up and beg for treats, would this mean that all dogs would wait for treats.

Branleuse · 11/09/2015 13:47

Usually first date if I fancy them and it seems right. Tbh I wouldnt even go on a date with a guy I didnt want to shag. Its completely seperate to whether the relationship works out, although I do agree that sex is better if you know and care about someone, but to me that just means that sex gets better as you go along, not that id want to wait.

Each to their own. I dont think guys expect it

ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 13:55

I think the point I was trying to make here is that in my opinion women need to take some ownership over their choices. Even on this thread some of those who have said that they has sex on the first date have then put the embarrassed icon or made a joke about morals. Women and men should be able to have sex as and when they want if it works for everyone involved with out having to justify their choice to anyone, including themselves.

DrMorbius · 11/09/2015 13:59

I usually try to wait until the end of the first date Wink

CalmYourselfTubbs · 11/09/2015 14:07

ideally, not for at least a month. but that's just me.
everyone has their own opinions on this one and these opinions are often hotly contested.
i found sleeping with a guy on the first date to be the kiss of death for any possible relationship. my friends say the same.
but this really is horses for courses and not everyone is as unlucky as we have been.

TheMarxistMinx · 11/09/2015 14:32

ScarletRuby Yes I now see all these embarrassed icons. Even in our so called liberated state we are still apologising.

Branleuse yes it's practice that makes perfect not waiting.

I do think though that two people who are prepared to wait, or become more emotionally involved are more likely to stick around and improve on it. Sunken fallacy theory maybe? or perhaps its human nature to want to nurture a relationship we value.

Seems odd to combine the old with the new, free love as a journey to our final destination of monogamy and perhaps years of crap sex!

It seems most women (at least those on MN) seek out committed relationships, marriage and monogamy. And yet the very supports upon which that state of affairs was supported has crumbled. Marriage isn't just a legal status, like all forms of law it draws upon the culture in which it exists. At the moment we have the emergent culture of hook ups and sex for recreation undermining the established ideology of marriage/monogamy.

I don't have an opinion on whether hook ups or marriage are good or bad exactly but its interesting that we seem to be duped into believing that both can quite happily exist side by side without contradiction.

pocketsaviour · 11/09/2015 14:36

Minx
Plus there are other weird anomalies about trust, sharing and proximity. We share our bodies through choice but not our beds over night. Howeber I am sure most would agree we would feel less affronted by sharing a bed with someone than have that person rape us. Then we revert to the idea of bodily integrity having privilege over other forms of person property. So I wonder what is more natural to share, ones body with ones neighbor or a sandwich? (or bed)

I have to say that I've invited people round for food a lot more often than I've invited people round for sex :) And I'm happy having ONS or sex on the first date if I want to.

Perhaps some of this confusion comes from the perception of sex as a gift that we give to another person (commonly seen in a gendered way, as women giving men something a man wants), whereas some, including myself, see sex as something that you do together, hopefully to a mutually pleasurable degree.

Or the tl;dr version: sex is a verb, not a noun.

beachhouse29 · 11/09/2015 14:42

Don't see the point in waiting.

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