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Original poster

Boyfriend DOSENT want babies!

108 replies

Misszh · 10/09/2015 00:51

Hey everyone so I had that special conversation with the boyfriend today and dropped the B Bomb on him...I want babies!! We have been together for some time now.. There's a 20 year age gap and he has 3 kids already.. YES I like the older man... When we first got together it was agreed he knew I'd want them at some stage and said we would wait a few years...well that time is up... And Nope.. His mind is set.. He DOSENT want anymore!
I don't know what to do ladies.. I want a child so badly it's killing me inside, would it make me selfish to leave him over it? Do I stick around for him to change his mind?

OP posts:
Chatterbox88 · 10/09/2015 13:11

We got together when I was 18 Deffinatly too young to be having any children for me, but knowing he was older I thought I'd have the discussion then so I knew what was going into....I diddent want anymore heart break... Unfortunately this man has lied to me the whole time, we work together in a pub, he's landlord I work along side him...which is difficult because it a pub all our friends meet there and familys.. I just wouldent want to be pushed out of my social life

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 10/09/2015 13:17

Phew, mix I have seen that suggested on here before. It's madness! Yes you're right, it would certainly be telling re the vasectomy.

Whatevva · 10/09/2015 13:31

At 22, you could go on a business course at your local college. This will give you a chance to widen your social circle, get references for a new job and give you an exit route to another job, should you want it.

Being attached to the landlord is narrowing your opportunities, socially and workwise, but you can use this experience to further your career and make yourself a new life, meet a wider group of people and find someone worthwhile who does want to have a family with you. He has had his opportunities and should not be reducing yours.

If you like older men, remember the ones your age will be growing older ;), then you will have more choice. Grin

IdBuyThatForADollar · 10/09/2015 13:48

Some serious judgemental opinions about age gap relationships going on, on this thread

I judge age-gap relationships a bit. I was in one for my twenties and early 30s. I'm now the age my exH was when we met and the very idea of having any kind of romantic/sexual relationship with a 21 year old makes me feel a bit icky, and I'm well immature. Let alone asking them to share a life with me. You're just at such totally different stages.

Frankly - Chatterbox - this sounds well unhealthy for you. I've worked in pubs for years and know their little microscopic societal structure all too well. He's got too much power in your relationship, being your boss in that odd dynamic that pubs create is bad enough, but then being so much older than you and also lying to you. No. It's no good.

I know your friends and family are there, but I would honestly find a new job, split up with your partner and spread your wings a bit. A new job will find you new friends and you'll surely still see family. Not being with your partner and maybe not working pub hours will also give you time for hobbies and interests.

Oh I want to pick you up and plonk you somewhere so you can see that the world of the local boozer is really tiny and there's loads more and loads better to do. I do understand, I lived a very similar existence for a while, but you need to see more of everything and find someone who wants the same things you do.

LovesPeace · 10/09/2015 13:50

Find someone your own age - this man is using you, and has been from the beginning.

BikeRunSki · 10/09/2015 13:54

Haven't RTFT , but if he's had a vasectomy, then he's unlikely to be having a baby with you or anyone else, whether he wants to or not.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2015 13:55

You do need to break it off with him, really you do! And you should look for another job just to be on the safe side.

What do you think his reaction will be if you deal with it calmly, no tears or accusations, and just say 'XXX, I've thought about it and I really do want children, it's not something I am willing to give up. You've said you don't want any more and I understand why you feel that way. So I think it's time we called 'time' on this and moved on so we can each find someone who wants the same thing we do. I certainly hope this won't affect our working relationship. I'd like us to remain friends.'

Again, calm, no emotionality, and expressing 'concern' that he find the right person, too. If you are calm and able to smile and carry on (hard but not impossible) I don't think you'll lose your job, if he's at all reasonable. If you cast sad looks at him to try to guilt him for deceiving you or say things behind his back to friends/patrons, I'd think he'd be more likely to try to find a reason to sack you. Yes, he really does deserve to be bollocked, but in this case it wouldn't be wise if you want to keep your job. You'll have to be able to put it to all and sundry as a simple 'parting of the ways'.

Spell99 · 10/09/2015 13:58

If he has had a Vasectomy before you met then he has wilfully wasted your time. In his defence he has told you plainly when you are only 22, so he hasn't tried to take Children away from you completely.

As fore the social part of your local, you can still go there if you leave with the added benefit that he has to serve you. I suspect he knows what's coming as he probably understands how much children mean to you. There is no reason it cant be amicable when you simply are at different stages in life.

GuessWhoIamToday · 10/09/2015 14:07

Did you start a thread about this in the summer?

OddlyLogical · 10/09/2015 14:25

I like the guide of half your age +7 as being the maximum acceptable age difference. 22 seems very young to be with a 42 yr old whereas 52 and 32 doesn't seem wrong.

Either he has lied to you from the beginning (or not told you) that he had had a vasecmtomy - what did he say when you discussed and agreed contraception?
Or, he has had one in secret without telling you.
Or, he hasn't had one at all, and is lying to you now.
Whichever it is, it's a pretty crap foundation for a relationship.

He doesn't want a baby - that will never change, so however hard it is for you now, just get yourself ready to leave him as soon as you can. You will be better off and you will find someone else. You have loads of time.

2rebecca · 10/09/2015 16:04

I think 52 and 32 is a huge gap. I'm nearly 52 and would find a serious relationship with a 32 year old daft. I don't understand why some women go for much older blokes. When you are 50 he'd be 70 which is a huge difference. You'd end up being a carer of someone who doesn't want to be more than 200 yards from a loo in your prime. I think it shows a lack of self confidence

Cabrinha · 10/09/2015 16:10

I would run a mile, on the strength of him not having told you before that he had a vasectomy.
When you had the conversation where he said yes to a child in future, he should have said "but I've had a vasectomy and reversals aren't guaranteed to work".

And I'm happy to be called judgemental but I'm Hmm at the age difference too.

But whatever - he's a liar.

Have you been on the pill for 4 years unnecessarily too?

I wouldn't worry about your job. Sounds like it's time to branch out anyway.

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 17:42

I don't understand why some women go for much older blokes

Can you not think of a single reason that an 18 year old would be happy to be with a man old enough to be her father? One that might mean other posters suggest she get counselling?

I suspect that the OP hasnt had an easy time of it when growing up, and thought that this man would rescue her from her previous bad relationships. Of course he did what all users do and picked on a vulnerable person, thats why I judge him.

Shutthatdoor · 10/09/2015 17:49

You'd end up being a carer of someone who doesn't want to be more than 200 yards from a loo in your prime. I think it shows a lack of self confidence

Nothing like a huge sweeping statement is there....

IdBuyThatForADollar · 10/09/2015 17:49

Quite, bogey. It's not the young women that anyone should be judging.

Chatterbox88 · 10/09/2015 18:22

I've had a handful of bad relationships.. My previous one was realli violent.. This man helped me through it, and got my confidence back to leave my house again.. Even be able to sleep with the light of.. He was there when I had no one else, we got close and we fell in love... Age gap or not... He was perfect for me

Cabrinha · 10/09/2015 18:42

Oh bless you, to have already been in a violent relationship by 18 Sad
But if he was the only one there for you, sounds like your parents aren't good for much Sad

You may have to accept that he was Mr Right at the Time, but not Mr Right.

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 18:57

I am sorry but I read that he was there for you when you had no one else and where vulnerable, and I see a man who took advantage of you.

He knew you needed him, as Cabrinha says, your parents clearly werent there for you, so you ended up relying on him in every way. Work, housing, relationship....everything. I am not saying he is abusive, but I am saying that he sounds selfish and manipulative.

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 18:57

A phrase that is often used on MN is that just because he less of a bastard than your ex doesnt mean that he isnt a bastard.....

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2015 19:02

Yes, people judge big age-gap relationships - for exactly the reasons outlined here.

That's not to say that all big age-gap relationships are dysfunctional, by any means. But scratch beneath the surface of many, and this sort of unhealthy dynamic is revealed.

As for waiting another 5 years to see if he changes his mind. Unlikely.

I'm 41 and I want more kids even less than I did at 40. And I didn't want any more then.

PurpleSkyatthewateringhole · 10/09/2015 19:14

I would say leave him, go to college, explore careers with the admissions/career advisor and just have fun. I left a bf my own age (he was admittedly already an ex twice over and my 'friend with benefits') because he didn't want DC and I did. We always knew we were never going to work on those odds. I'm now happily married with 2 beautiful DC.

Cabrinha · 10/09/2015 19:19

I'm glad Purple mentioned college because I was just coming back on thinking about that Smile

You're 22. I'll risk sounding patronising... You're so young! You have so much time ahead of you, so much fun to have! Why rush into having a baby now, even if Old Bloke hadn't had a vasectomy?

Find your interests, study, develop a career (why not have children once you're running a pub? Smile), travel, have fun, live a little...

If you'd already had a handful of bad relationships including a violent one before ending up with a man 20 years your senior, maybe now it's time for YOU. To be single, and develop other interests in your life.

Becoming a mother is lovely - but it can wait!

UncertainSmile · 10/09/2015 21:13

Some serious judgemental opinions about age gap relationships going on, on this thread

I don't give a fuck. A man in his late thirties going after an 18 year old? Not right at all.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/09/2015 21:25

Some serious judgemental opinions about age gap relationships going on, on this thread.

No, some seriously judgemental opinions about an exploitative relationship between a lying, manipulative man and his employee who is much younger, lacks economic independence and is a recent survivor of domestic violence.

mrstweefromtweesville · 10/09/2015 21:32

OP, you leave him.

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