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Original poster

Boyfriend DOSENT want babies!

108 replies

Misszh · 10/09/2015 00:51

Hey everyone so I had that special conversation with the boyfriend today and dropped the B Bomb on him...I want babies!! We have been together for some time now.. There's a 20 year age gap and he has 3 kids already.. YES I like the older man... When we first got together it was agreed he knew I'd want them at some stage and said we would wait a few years...well that time is up... And Nope.. His mind is set.. He DOSENT want anymore!
I don't know what to do ladies.. I want a child so badly it's killing me inside, would it make me selfish to leave him over it? Do I stick around for him to change his mind?

OP posts:
Funinthesun15 · 10/09/2015 07:05

Some serious judgemental opinions about age gap relationships going on, on this thread.

He may have wanted children with the OP, but has now changed his mind. He is allowed to!

Bubblesinthesummer · 10/09/2015 07:16

This man lied to you from day one. He decided his desire for a relationship with you was more important than honesty and the truth.

How do you know the OPs DP lied. Maybe he did think he wanted children, but now doesn't!

Basic fact is you want children OP and he doesn't. You can't force him to change his mind, just like he can't force you to change yours.

I agree with pp on that there have been some extremely judgey and 'stereptypical' views about age gap relationships here.

mix56 · 10/09/2015 07:20

I agree it is unlikely he will alter his veto. However if he really loves you enough, & realises you are not going to back down be manoeuvred on this fundamental issue, he might indulge you. 42 is in no way too old to be a father again.
as you say he is almost 20 years older. His older children are also to be considered. Will they accept a half sibling ?.... It will challenge his relationship with them. He is very much thinking of himself.
To be brutal I suggest that you are expendable.

mix56 · 10/09/2015 07:20

If indeed he has/hasn't had a vasectomy !

Coolforthesummer · 10/09/2015 07:29

The vasectomy story might not even be true. Are you currently using contraception?

Shutthatdoor · 10/09/2015 07:30

mix Why should he 'indulge the OP'

He has just as much right to not want anymore children as the OP has to want one.

Why is he being anymore selfish by not wanting one than OP is wanting one?

By forcing him to have one, wouldn't that be selfish on the OPs part?

Snoopadoop · 10/09/2015 07:34

Thank goodness you're 22. Move on, he won't change his mind he's had his 3 children. You have lots of time to find a man who wants to be with you and start a family with you.

mix56 · 10/09/2015 07:41

Yes, I know, but he has already had 3 children, he was "allowed" them. or he "allowed" his wife to have them... so he has his family with all the responsibilities it brings
indulge may of been the wrong word, however I was thinking of the difference in age when I used it...
re vasectomy. It sounds as though he was interested in having a new young girl on his arm, without any of the heavy issues ! & she has been using contraceptives all the time, whilst he knew she wouldn't get pregnant... Not really the person she thought he was is he?

Either way, if OP stops using contraceptives, she will find out if he has or hasn't had a vasectomy !

ToGoBoldly · 10/09/2015 07:46

It is far more sensible to be manoeuvred out of having a baby with someone than manoeuvre someone who doesn't want a baby into having one. Not least for the poor imaginary baby itself.

Whatever may have gone before in this scenario, no one owes anyone a baby. If you change your mind and no longer want children, that is not a moral crime. He's told her at 22, hardly ruined her chances. That is the case whether he is 22, 32, or 42.

ToGoBoldly · 10/09/2015 07:50

The OP stopping using contraception with a man who has told her plainly that he doesn't want children, and she is unsure whether to trust him or not on whether he has had the snip, would be the extreme side of foolish.

If you want children, you should find someone else who does. Someone who said they did a few years ago and no longer does is not a good candidate.

Shutthatdoor · 10/09/2015 08:14

Either way, if OP stops using contraceptives, she will find out if he has or hasn't had a vasectomy

I don't know where to even start with that statement Shock

featherandblack · 10/09/2015 08:20

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

I think you can do better than this man anyway. He's been very selfish and deceitful. You're still young and you will meet someone nicer who will want babies with you.

mix56 · 10/09/2015 08:29

It wasn't meant seriously

OiledBegg · 10/09/2015 08:30

Hello OP, I was in a very similar situation to yourself. I'm 29 and now exP is 20 years older than me and also had children. I have one child but was desperate for another 1-2. He always said he wanted a baby with me and couldn't wait for us to be ready... the last couple of months he changed his mind though and doesn't want babies anymore. I asked him if he felt there was any way he'd change his mind back, and he said no. We broke up a few days ago. I am heartbroken, but I know deep down it was the right thing to do. PM me if you want to Flowers

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 10/09/2015 09:23

mix I hope you are not suggesting the op tries to 'trap' him by stoppimg contraceptives?!!

That is a particularly despicable act! Am I selfish because I don't want any more children?

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 09:37

I suspect Mix meant that she should tell him that as he has had a vasectomy, she is stopping contraception, that would soon flush him out as he would either be fine with it, or thrown into a total panic.

Either way it means that he is shown up a liar. A liar for agreeing to kids when he knew he couldnt have them, or a liar for saying he has had a vasectomy when he hasnt.

Doesnt look good whichever way you paint it which is why I wouldnt advise the OP to have a child with this man even if he did change his mind. He seems happy to lie either explicitly or by omission and so cannot be trusted.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2015 09:45

Doesnt look good whichever way you paint it which is why I wouldnt advise the OP to have a child with this man even if he did change his mind. He seems happy to lie either explicitly or by omission and so cannot be trusted.

Yes, this, absolutely.

Time to bail.

I know it feels impossible, and I know you feel like time is running out, but it so is not. It really, really isn't. Your life is just beginning, and the worst possible thing you could do is sink more wasted years into this man, and this relationship.

Flowers
Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 09:56

OP, how old where you when you got together?

gohugatree · 10/09/2015 10:08

Bogey - I was wondering that - if OP and partner have been together for some time and she's only 22 now, how old when the relationship started?

OP - echo everyone else, do not attempt to have a child with this man. It will go wrong. You are so young and deserve someone who wants you and a baby with you. Start making plans to leave, and maybe to look for another job (do you work directly with your partner? Is it a big firm or somewhere where you'll be in contact all the time?)

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 10:10

I am just a bit concerned that she has been taken advantage of from a young age.

They had the talk when they first go together and agreed to wait "a few years" and now that time has come?.......smells bad to me. I dont like the sound of this guy at all.

Artioo · 10/09/2015 10:17

Leave him now = short term heartbreak while you miss him horribly for a while and deal with the complications of your working life. Many years ahead of you for new and exciting relationships and work opportunities.

Stay with him = long term, fundamental heartbreak as you struggle to reconcile your longing for children with a relationship where there is no hope of children, always hoping he'll change his mind, always disappointed when he doesn't, finally ending up in underlying resentment and probably a much harder split years down the line.

I know which kind of heartbreak I'd choose.

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 10:33

Artioo is right

Rip the plaster off now and it hurts once. It will fade and go with time.

Stay, and every day will bring fresh hurt. Every period that arrives, dashing your hope of an accident. Every friend that has a baby. Every pregnancy announcement on facebook. Every day waking up in the hope that today will be the day he changes his mind, and going to sleep heartbroken because he didnt. Every day looking at him and wondering how you can love a man who would let you give up the one thing he knows you are desperate for because he is too selfish to let you go.

Until one day you look at him and realise that you dont love him anymore because he stole your dreams. Because he kept you so wrapped up in him with vague promises that you gave up what you really wanted. And by then, it may well be too late for you to have a child. Many of us on MN know a woman this has happened to, dont let it be you.

Rip the plaster off now and you have many many years to find someone who will give you marriage and babies and all that jazz. But I agree that you need time alone first, and perhaps some counselling to help you deal with your relationship history, to stop the same thing happening again. Your "Yes I like older men" is very telling.....

mix56 · 10/09/2015 12:20

Thank you bogeyface ! I was being cynical & clearly am not on the same wave length. NO I would not suggest that any 22 yr old girl has a baby with anyone . never mind with intention to trap anyone either, Am I clear?
It was a remark due to the fact that young girl has been using contraception to avoid pregnancy, (which as we know is not good for us) when he now says he has had a V. IMHO it does not add up, as he would have said it was impossible when they talked about it. plus if she thinks back she may remember condoms in their early days...

magoria · 10/09/2015 12:53

If he had a vasectomy then he knew he couldn't have a child with OP so I stand by my comment that he blatantly lied to her.

If he had wanted a child surely he would have said I have had a vasectomy we need to look into the chances of reversing that or if OPs chances of a child were not possible.

He didn't.

Yes he has the right to change his mind.

LieselVonTwat · 10/09/2015 13:11

In some ways it doesn't matter whether he's had a vasectomy or not. Let's say he hasn't and he's lying, OP is still in fundamentally the same position. She wants a baby, he doesn't, and she's going to have to choose. He appears to have told at least one significant lie somewhere down the line, so he's untrustworthy no matter what the lie actually was.

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