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Relationships

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Boyfriend DOSENT want babies!

108 replies

Misszh · 10/09/2015 00:51

Hey everyone so I had that special conversation with the boyfriend today and dropped the B Bomb on him...I want babies!! We have been together for some time now.. There's a 20 year age gap and he has 3 kids already.. YES I like the older man... When we first got together it was agreed he knew I'd want them at some stage and said we would wait a few years...well that time is up... And Nope.. His mind is set.. He DOSENT want anymore!
I don't know what to do ladies.. I want a child so badly it's killing me inside, would it make me selfish to leave him over it? Do I stick around for him to change his mind?

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 10/09/2015 02:04

Oh, thank fuck for that! I was worried you were mid 30's/pushing 40, with your fertility vanishing before your eyes. Instead, you have loads of time.

I'm sorry this one isn't working out for you, but there will be someone else out there for you, who will want to settle down and have babies with you. It's a bit early to be thinking about AI, especially as that can be expensive and probably not available to you on the NHS.

It'll hurt, and you'll grieve for a while, but you do need to leave - and no, it's not selfish at all.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2015 02:05

22? Of course you'll find someone else! It might all seem overwhelming at the moment, but dust has a habit of settling, and 'time heals all wounds' is a cliche for a very good reason.

You have plenty of time at 22, so you may want to hang around a bit longer, but honestly it would be a mistake. He doesn't want children, and he's a lying gobshite. NOT. FATHER-OF-MY-CHILDREN. MATERIAL.

Split, spend some time not in a relationship but hanging out with your friends, heal, move one. This is not the end of the world (however much it may feel like it right now) but sensibly, it should be the end of this relationship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2015 02:08

heal, move on, not move one.

Chatterbox88 · 10/09/2015 02:11

I feel like I want to stay and see what happens, even though a part of me is calling me stupid right now, but don't wanna waste my life.. 5 more years he may still feel the same.. Either way if I stay or if I go it's going to hurt bad

Shutthatdoor · 10/09/2015 02:17

Eerr have you name changed OP half way through your own thread Hmm ?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/09/2015 02:23

Sorry, missed your last post while I was typing.

I actually know two separate women who have gone it alone. One was a former colleague of mine, quite a bit older than me at the time, just got sick of waiting to meet someone. She bought a house, went to a sperm bank and the rest is history. Her son is halfway through university. He is a great kid. As far as i know she has more or less remained single - through choice i would guess.

Another is a friend of mine who got pregnant accidentally from a one night stand. Also a success story, she met and married her DH and had another kid.

HirplesWithHaggis · 10/09/2015 02:25

5 more years and he'll be 47, I can guarantee he won't be wanting to go back to the baby days at that age. (I am 53, with a 6yo grandson.)

It'll hurt to leave, yes. But not as much as it'll hurt to be childless when you want dc.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/09/2015 02:25

And now I missed the fact that you are 22. Sweetie you have so much time.

Good lord I am old enough to be your mother. {old gimmer emoticon}

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2015 02:30

It's a deal breaker. I left a marriage in part for that same reason. I truly believe that the desire for a child is so deep that you shouldn't give it up for anyone. You'd live to regret it.

He's entitled to not want more children. You're entitled to want them. Unfortunately, it's not something that can be worked out to a compromise.

As far as him having a vas, I see no reason for him to lie about that, especially because it may cause you to go off any contraception you've been using now he's told you. I also suspect that he had it before you got together. It'd be pretty hard to hide the post-op care period (soreness, ice packs, stitches, etc) unless he lied & told you he was out of town or said he had surgery for something else. Either way, that's a pretty shitty thing to lie to someone about. Of course, he could have kept it to himself thinking he'd get a reversal if he changed his mind, but still, he should have told you that.

So tell him that you and he are done. You don't have to make a big scene about lies, expectations, etc. Simply say that you've thought about it and you have decided that you are not going to give up the dream of children and that you and he are through. But please don't let him string you along with 'maybes' and 'somedays' and promises he has no intention of keeping. He has stated it bluntly and (imo) it's very reasonable that a 42 year old man with 3 children wouldn't want to start over. Believe what he has already said, not what he may say to try and keep you.

You've got years left. I had my first just before my 29th birthday. But don't waste any of those years on a man who doesn't want the things you do. Get free, relax, and enjoy your life. Don't rush into single parenthood just now. The right man will come along for you in time. In the meantime, work hard, save money, and find a good area in which to live. Then, years from now if Mr Right hasn't appeared (but I'm sure he will), you'll be better placed for single parenting.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2015 02:39

Assuming Chatterbox88 is the same person as Misszh -
"Either way if I stay or if I go it's going to hurt bad"
If you stay it will hurt for a lot longer. Because the relationship you thought you had, with motherhood in your future, is already over. If you stay, it's in a new relationship where motherhood has no place. And you will be mourning that old relationship, the one you no longer have, and building up resentment that the new relationship is not what you wanted.

Be kind to yourself and leave.

Chatterbox88 · 10/09/2015 02:51

It's so hard.. My partners also my boss, I don't want it to mess it's way into work or even my social life.. Everything abit messy atm

HirplesWithHaggis · 10/09/2015 02:55

Him being your boss does complicate matters, and in your shoes I'd be looking for a new job too. Maybe even in another town/city?

Chatterbox88 · 10/09/2015 02:59

It's very complicated I love my job, we have the same friends, it's a struggle, if this ends I'll be single,jobless and pretty much on my arse!

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2015 03:11

You may have some shared friends, but you both will have friends that pre-date this relationship (how long have you been seeing him by the way?) so you will not be friendless.

Job - well he can't fire you for ending your relationship, that is unfair dismissal. Plus, what do you mean by 'boss'? Within a large firm with an HR department, or you are his sole employee in a business he owns? Very different scenarios.

HirplesWithHaggis · 10/09/2015 03:16

In that case, you need to manage your exit, rather than dumping him tomorrow. Start looking for a new job, preferably in another town. (Do you actually live together now?)

Stick some cash into savings so you can afford the deposit/first months rent on a place for yourself when you get a new job - it's always a good idea to have some "fuck you" money if you can, anyway.

How long have you been a couple that all of your friends are mutual? Seems a bit odd, given the age gap - are all of your friends actually his? How often do you go out with your friends, without him?

(Sorry if this feels like a cross examination in court!)

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2015 03:30

How long have you been together? I find it hard to feel any sympathy with a 40 year old dating a teenager and lying to her.

ChristineDePisan · 10/09/2015 03:40

He said, "yeah, I'd have another baby" when you first got together because if he was straight then you wouldn't have taken the relationship further. He wanted you, so he told you what you wanted to hear. (Not saying he was being evil and manipulative, we all exaggerate some things when we first start seeing someone)

But he doesn't want babies, you do, and there is no compromise here. Look for another job (your life sounds unhealthy cloistered anyway), kiss him farewell, and go and find someone with the same goals as you.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 10/09/2015 04:24

Well I don't think their are many people in their 40s, who already have three children, who would have want to start all over again. It's why you're better off sticking to men your own age who are also doing life for the first time too.

He told you what you wanted to hear and you were young/naive enough to believe it.

Having been 20, and now that I am 40 myself, I tell you, the reason men my age are so often interested in younger women is because they are more trusting and easy to manipulate. They don't see younger women as equal and they feel threatened by women their own age who can see through their bullshit and are happy to say so!

Seriously, he won't change his mind. As ssomeone else said, he knows the reality of the daily grind doesn't much fancy doing the whole family thing again. And I don't blame him. I have 2 and there is no way I would do it again!

Dump him and find someone else your own age who will want children with you. Seriously, there's liking older men and the there's dating someone from another generation.

He won't change his mind.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/09/2015 05:54

There is no choice here.

YOu want a baby, you find someone else to have one with. You are only 22 so you have plenty of time, but why waste any more of it with this man? He's not going to change his mind - the older he gets, the less likely it is that he'll want more children.

Just leave and find someone who does want a baby with you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/09/2015 06:00

He's a tosser isn't he? But thankfully you are so young you can end this and find someone else perfect for you in time. Yes it will hurt, break ups always do but it's not a reason not to break up. That's just delaying the pain.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 10/09/2015 06:16

I don't think he's a tosser but yeah you won't change his mind and he's already had a vasectomy so it's best to start planning your exit now like other posters have said. You're young and time is on your side, it's certainly not selfish.

nooka · 10/09/2015 06:39

I think that dating your much younger subordinate is pretty iffy. Big power dynamic differences going on there, especially as the OP suggests that she had had previous relationship issues so was quite possibly quite vulnerable.

If he had already had a vasectomy before they started going out together I think it's pretty dodgy to hide that fact. Yes vasectomies can be reversed, but there is by no means a guarantee of success.

ARV1981 · 10/09/2015 06:54

You need to work out how to leave.

  1. new job
  2. new home
  3. leave

He isn't going to change his mind. You have time now to find someone who will want children with you, but that time will run out... I was in a relationship for nearly ten years with a man 14 years older than me, I wanted children but I don't think he did (he never actually told me, just strung me along for as long as I could take it). I'm now 34, and expecting my first so it can happen but if I'd stayed with him I believe I would have had to give up on the idea of babies.

My mum has a friend (she was at uni with) who did this to a younger woman... in the end the younger woman left him - he was distraught for a bit, then found someone else who wants the same things as him (or rather, doesn't want kids) so from the man's point of view, he will be fine. You're not going to irreparably hurt him. He can and will find a replacement for you. Men do. Easily.

I appreciate you'll find it hard to move on, especially as your lives are so intertwined, but the sooner you do it, the better and easier it'll be.

Nodney · 10/09/2015 06:56

Oh OP I was in a very similar situation myself when I was 26 and my then BF was 35. I, however, had always known about his vasectomy but I thought I could deal with being a Step Mother but never having children of my own. I couldn't and after a lot of soul searching, I finished it. I was devastated for about a day (yes really!) then the fog lifted and I felt that great emotion - hope. The path was now clear for me to meet someone new and have children in the future. I did, having 3DS, my first at 33. Be brave OP, you'll feel better for it x x

magoria · 10/09/2015 07:01

This man lied to you from day one. He decided his desire for a relationship with you was more important than honesty and the truth.

He never wanted another child. He has taken steps to ensure he doesn't have more and kept this from you.

Unforgivable.