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Original poster

Husband's emotional relationship, now depressed - What can i do?

89 replies

trodalong · 08/09/2015 22:32

So i have had a chat with my husband.

Classic case, we were not communicating. Along comes "friend", turns out he was having four hour chats with her most days in the evening ( I am a nurse so working late shifts, walked in to find him on the phone chatting). She is apparently interesting, friendly, makes him feel special.

Where as i am working my guts out trying to supplement our income.

He is really depressed. He said he is so depressed that if he had the optio to be with me or "friend" he wouldn't know who to choose. They haven't had sex ( he would have told me, guilt wise).

I am making more of an effort to be nice, supportive, understanding due to his depression.

I have asked him to delete said "friend's" number of his phone. I am not sure how to go about being more supportive due to his depression. #

I feel more like a mother, councellor, trying to cox him out of his depression, where as he is going on about how he can do nothing right, work and personal life wise.

Any thoughts on how to assist him further depression wise would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
trodalong · 08/09/2015 22:35

oh, and we have kids, so being interested, friendly and making him feel special is hard when I work shifts and childcare

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 22:36

What can you do ?

Nothing. But you can stop martyring yourself.

he says he doesn't know if he would choose you over her. Why are you still there ? I wouldn't sacrifice one more ounce of your self respect on the altar of his depression

FifteenFortyNine · 08/09/2015 22:40

I feel like I'm headed to the same direction as where you are now OP. We are both working crazy hours and with kids and no support it's really starting to take it's toll. What's annoying is that 1 person alone can't save a relationship and if the other one is not making an effort then really what is there to stay for?

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 22:43

Well, I'd make the decision for him. Show some gumption, OP! Don't let someone treat you like that. Who the hell does he think he is saying he doesn't know who he'd choose? Don't go playing the Pick Me dance for him or for anyone.

Original poster
trodalong · 08/09/2015 22:45

Trying to support husband because:

  1. I was angry with him for months over his nails.
  2. He found solace in friend who would accept him for who he is.
  3. So it is because of my behaviour and him thinking he is not good enough for me that he is depressed.

It the real depression, not "I feel so sad lets play on the playstation for hours."

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 22:45

nails ?

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 22:46

Ugh he's not one of those with long nails, is he?

Original poster
trodalong · 08/09/2015 22:47

Yes nails, I did a thread on it a few days ago.

He has long nails for guitar playing.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 22:48

No, OP, that is not real depression. He's happily chatting to this woman for four hours while you're out at work! What's the difference between that and the sort of depression where you just play on the play station? The fact is he's not depressed when he's chatting to her, so that is not true depression.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 22:48

Sorry, it's a "real" depression that made him chase skirt and decide to demote you to maybe you'll do, maybe you won't but suck my cock and put a pretty bow in your hair while you wait for me to make my mind up handmaiden ?

AyeAmarok · 08/09/2015 22:50

Confused You disliking his long nails is not a justification for him to have an emotional affair.

Nor is it a reason to stay when he blatantly tells you he wants someone else.

You seem to have taken leave of your self-respect... Is it the shock?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 22:51

ugh, I actually feel physically a bit queasy now

I can feel my ovaries drying up as I type

Op, how the fuck are you maintaining the Pick Me Dance of such awfulness ?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 22:51

in the face of such awfulness

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 22:52

Oh the man with the long nails. Well, good luck to him in finding women who'll find that attractive. Most of us can't bear to look at them, so that might give you some comfort after he's gone!

You need to act decisively now. He wants you to give him reasons why he should choose you. You mustn't get involved in that kind of conversation. He has betrayed you and it's his job to get your trust back. Until he realises that, you shouldn't have anything to do with him.

Scarletforya · 08/09/2015 22:52

You believe they haven't had sex?!

Are you supporting him financially OP ?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 22:55

I am speechless at the thought of any woman devaluing herself so much for the slim pickings of a prick like this

I don't know what to say to you. It doesn't compute

PatriciaHolm · 08/09/2015 22:57

No it's not real depression! That is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, not by your wife objecting to your long nails. He's being self obsessed and selfish, and he's got you right where he wants you.

Original poster
trodalong · 08/09/2015 22:57

I know if feels like im being a mug, but its not the case.

He is so lost and mentally unstable. Im just doing my job as a wife to support him and help him recover.

OP posts:
MrsJorahMormont · 08/09/2015 23:00

I just deleted my first response which was possibly too light-hearted for the thread, focusing as it did on the long nails .

Depression is a complete bastard and it can make people change into someone you don't recognise anymore. BUT it does not give permission to have an affair (emotional or otherwise). This woman is like heroin or computer games or vodka - she's escapism, a fantasy and she's not real.

If you want to support your husband, encourage him to seek help for his depression and put some boundaries in place to protect yourself. Don't do the pick me dance.

OneDay103 · 08/09/2015 23:04

So depressed but chirpy enough to chat and enjoy another woman's company? Yeah right. Please don't be guilted into staying because of his 'depression'. He's spinning a number on you and you deserve better.

Verypissedoffwife · 08/09/2015 23:06

Just cut your losses. A miserable fucker with long (and no doubt grimy) nails who managed to put his depression to one side while he chats up other women for 4 hours an evening? I bet you feel drained.

Flangeshrub · 08/09/2015 23:16

Omg I've been where you are. He's cheating AND has you believing he's the victim. Soon you will realise the truth, I'm so sorry for what you are about to go through but when YOUR self esteem raises you will realises he's a shit.

Really. Your sympathy is wasted. You don't believe me now but you will.

Work on yourself. Cheating manipulative bastard.

Flangeshrub · 08/09/2015 23:19

Btw I did the pick me dance for 5 months. Really thought he was ill, maybe severely depressed or even had a brain tumour. Actual diagnosis - terminally selfish cunt who wants to fuck other women.

Please please realise that nice loving people don't cheat and blame depression.

Whatifitoldyou · 08/09/2015 23:23

Op stop blaming yourself.

People engaging in affairs don't need support or understanding. They need harsh consequences. If you don't deliver harsh consequences you'll be watching as he fucks off with half your savings and she will be step mum to your kids. Having kids is not a reason to sit around facilitating his affair. Having kids is the reason to face this head on instead of blaming yourself or his alleged depression.

Put your big girl pants on Op. It's not nice and its not fair, but it is what it is and you must deal with it. Your not going to get much advice about helping him with his depression, but if you want it there will be lots of advice about dealing with the affair.

You can either pay now or you can pay with interest later. You can either seek support for the affair now , or support with the divorce later.

Whatifitoldyou · 08/09/2015 23:38

I suspect friend is the reason for the long nails.