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Original poster

Husband's emotional relationship, now depressed - What can i do?

89 replies

trodalong · 08/09/2015 22:32

So i have had a chat with my husband.

Classic case, we were not communicating. Along comes "friend", turns out he was having four hour chats with her most days in the evening ( I am a nurse so working late shifts, walked in to find him on the phone chatting). She is apparently interesting, friendly, makes him feel special.

Where as i am working my guts out trying to supplement our income.

He is really depressed. He said he is so depressed that if he had the optio to be with me or "friend" he wouldn't know who to choose. They haven't had sex ( he would have told me, guilt wise).

I am making more of an effort to be nice, supportive, understanding due to his depression.

I have asked him to delete said "friend's" number of his phone. I am not sure how to go about being more supportive due to his depression. #

I feel more like a mother, councellor, trying to cox him out of his depression, where as he is going on about how he can do nothing right, work and personal life wise.

Any thoughts on how to assist him further depression wise would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Feelingdetermined · 09/09/2015 19:45

OP I was where you are 2 years ago. DH had an emotional affair left for a week and then at my instigation came back and Was diagnosed with depression. cue 2 years of antidepressants, tiptoeing around his feelings, repeated episodes of finding contact between them etc. He is still in touch with OW and when drunk sends her texts about how wonderful she is. I am stuck feeling it's too late for me to throw him out, children doing exams etc and when we row his position is that I was the one who wanted him to stay.

Don't make my mistake-give him a shock now, ask him to leave and make him realise he is the one with everything to lose.

category12 · 09/09/2015 19:54

Yeahhh, my ex's "depression" bought him three more years of my life. But he was just a selfish dick-led liar really. He did at least seem more sorry than yours.

Joysmum · 09/09/2015 20:21

Ah so his depression makes him be a shit to you and nobody else.

moonfacebaby · 09/09/2015 20:29

How many of us have had to stomach the "depression made me have an affair" bullshit?

Same here with my exH. Just after we'd had a baby. He'd had an emotional affair after our first. I didn't understand what it was at the time - his friend, and his endless talks to her. About us.

Strangely enough, my ex is still depressed three years later. Skipping off with the OW didn't make him magically happier. Surprise, surprise.....

Yet my depression (which I have suffered with on & off over the years) has never made me have an affair. Because I am not a selfish twat who needs a constant ego massage.

Your DH may have legitimate depression - but it does not give him the right to show you an appalling amount of disrespect.

Corygal · 09/09/2015 20:35

OP, I'm not one of the auto-shriek brigade, but in this case they might have a point - yr DH sounds ghastly. What is he bringing to your and the DCs lives? Are you paying for him?

Why the Syria-level crisis about his fingernails? Are you both depressed?

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/09/2015 20:38

Sorry op I've never heard such entitled bollocks in my life, depression my arse. He's an entitled almost cock lodger who's trying to throw out hoops for you to jump through.

You'll burn yourself out before your ever able to please him, a few of us on here have dealt with rail people with real depression. And even if he was by some stretch of the imagination, it will never be a good reason to emotionally blackmail you.

If you keep trying to please him he will make more and more demands.

magoria · 09/09/2015 20:43

He has basically told you he doesn't think you are what he wants.

Make the choice and take you as an option away from him.

He will either go straight to her or you can sort a more equal relationship where one person isn't slogging their guts doing late work while the other flirts happily.

clam · 09/09/2015 20:50

He "wouldn't know who to choose?" Shock Shock

He could fuck right off with that then! Angry

Coolforthesummer · 09/09/2015 21:01

Has this 'friend' met him and his nails?

She would be welcome to him if I were you.

Coolforthesummer · 09/09/2015 21:02

My ex had terrible depression. Didn't affect his social life after he left though.

spudlike1 · 09/09/2015 21:03

What else does he do all day ?

TPel · 09/09/2015 21:09

I'm really sorry but he is playing you like a good'un.

Life is too short to waste time with this sort of drama. You shouldn't have to play this game it is demeaning. Walk away with your head held high.

LovesPeace · 09/09/2015 21:16

I agree with the others; I was depressed to the point of suicide at one point and it didn't make me a cheating swine.

If chatting to the 'friend' for four hours (while you work yourself to death like some sort of gullible martyr) lifts the depression and makes him happy, then you need to help him make the decision.

If you love him, set him and his depression free.

(Aka 'LTB') Grin

PerpendicularVincent · 09/09/2015 21:21

He has rank nails, freely admits that he can't decide between you and the other woman and you're still with him?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 09/09/2015 21:30

Right. You do not deal with his depression. He does.

Yes depression is horrible. Yes it is hard. But nothing changes the fact that the only person who can deal with depression is the person who is depressed.

Ask him what he plans to do about his depression. If it is nothing or talking to OW tell him to fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck off and she can deal with his sorry arse and his she doesn't understand me bollocks.

You only support him in his treatment once that treatment has started and if and when he has cut all contact with her, apologised to her and started making an effort to save his relationship. And even then only if you actuslly want to op.

Depression is an illness not carte blanche to be a prick. It makes you unhappy not unfaithful.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 09/09/2015 21:32

apologised to her you..sorry

Original poster
trodalong · 09/09/2015 22:29

I had another talk with him.

He agreed that friend should go. However he said he cannot just drop people out of life like that. Said friend has attachment issues.

He then started saying after two days of peace i had started an argument, proving the point "we" are not happy in life.

I told him that people do have arguments in a relationship.

His whole family think he has lost it mentally and is breaking up a marriage by being reckless.

I do think i bought this on by constantly telling him to become more ambitious work wise, smartening up work clothes, moaning about our financial position, nails!!! ( he used to have super short nails and has grown them over the last 4 months).. So i feel he has put up with this constant criticism and now he is releasing that criticism by seeking validation else where.

OP posts:
Original poster
trodalong · 09/09/2015 22:30

I'm not being a matyr.

I am acknowledging that somewhere i pushed him over the edge mentally by my constant criticism.

OP posts:
Original poster
trodalong · 09/09/2015 22:32

I mean he is so mentally messed up he actually told me he can't choose who to be with. Me or friend.

That is very out of character.

OP posts:
Ebayaholic · 09/09/2015 22:47

Until you are ready to smell the coffee, there's not much anyone here can do to help you. If it is your duty as a wife to support him then it's his duty as a husband not to try and shag other people-why is it only you fulfilling your 'duty'?

tribpot · 09/09/2015 22:54

I am acknowledging that somewhere i pushed him over the edge mentally by my constant criticism.

You don't really believe that do you?

This is a man who respects you so little he has said to your face he couldn't choose between you and his phone buddy. You're his wife! Your reaction: let me lie down so you can wipe your feet on me more thoroughly, or as you put it, I am making more of an effort to be nice, supportive, understanding.

I see as well as being understanding of his supposed mental health issues, you now have to be understanding of hers. She has 'attachment issues'? Per-lease. He doesn't want to stop talking to her and he doesn't intend to.

Let him go to her. Unfortunately for you, I suspect he will soon be back. But at least he won't be able to say it's all your fault any more.

Original poster
trodalong · 09/09/2015 22:54

because i genuinely see he has a mental problem.

OP posts:
SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 09/09/2015 22:56

If you really do criticise him unfairly all the time then you should leave him.

But it sounds like bollocks to me. Attachment issues! She's an adult not a toddler and she can feff off and attach herself to someone unmarried.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 09/09/2015 22:58

Infidelity is not a mental problem.

If he really has a mental problem what is he doing about it? Counselling? Cbt? Has he even been to the gp?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 09/09/2015 23:01

He said he wants to go to counselling as he is not happy and then will make his mind up about whether he is happy to be with me.

Seems like a power trip to me. Like i have to wait until he makes his mind up

This

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