Husband's emotional relationship, now depressed - What can i do?

[trodalong]

So i have had a chat with my husband.

Classic case, we were not communicating. Along comes "friend", turns out he was having four hour chats with her most days in the evening ( I am a nurse so working late shifts, walked in to find him on the phone chatting). She is apparently interesting, friendly, makes him feel special.

Where as i am working my guts out trying to supplement our income.

He is really depressed. He said he is so depressed that if he had the optio to be with me or "friend" he wouldn't know who to choose. They haven't had sex ( he would have told me, guilt wise).

I am making more of an effort to be nice, supportive, understanding due to his depression.

I have asked him to delete said "friend's" number of his phone. I am not sure how to go about being more supportive due to his depression. #

I feel more like a mother, councellor, trying to cox him out of his depression, where as he is going on about how he can do nothing right, work and personal life wise.

Any thoughts on how to assist him further depression wise would be appreciated.

You don't really want him any more - you find him (and his nails) repulsive. And he doesn't want you or he wouldn't prioritise the friend.

Time to call an end to this miserable state of affairs, for both of you.

He agreed that friend should go. However he said he cannot just drop people out of life like that. Said friend has attachment issues

I have issues, but if I knew I'd inadvertently hurt my DH with being inappropriate, then you bet your arse I'd stop whatever I was doing that did that as his hurt would trump the hurt of anyone else.

Seriously, he doesn't treat you as somebody he loves and cherishes. You're so used to his shit you've not got a clue as to what constitutes a major trampling of what boundaries you should expect him to adhere to.

ok, so it transpires that he is depressed because he doesn't know who to be with, me or friend.

That is the reason for his depression.

He said the friend makes him happy, warm, complete, doesn't critisise him. She also has mental health issues, where she took an overdose a few days ago. I said how can someone who is like that make you happy and secure, but apparently according to him being mentally unbalanced is a small part of her.

I'm at loss at what to suggest to him - councelling? Any organisations that could help him with "making a decision?"

the LTB approach is not one i'm going to take as i have no where to go and no family support.

Then stay and become a doormat. That's your choices. Life's hard, you seem keen to make it harder.

No, im not making it harder.

I am not being a doormat.

LTB option is great if you have a house together, some savings cobbled together which can be split equally.

It is not an option when you are riddled with debt, children who have issues and no family support.

Millions on men have emotional affairs. Not all of them leave the wife.

Having a roof over my and my kids head is more important.

The OP is not a doormat. She's trying very hard and working very hard to keep her marriage together. Yeah, I accept her husband isn't.

Could the OP ask this of her husband:

'You said if you had to choose either of us you wouldn't know who to pick' (or words to that effect.) 'What makes you want to choose ?' Is it a choice you have considered making ?'

I wonder if this 'phone friendship is something of an, 'up yours' gesture to the OP to get back at her for her nagging. Basically, it's as if the OP has been told by her husband, 'back off from this, let me have this friendship of it's over. Oh, and guess what, I wouldn't choose you.'

He's decided that family life is 'to hard'. The thing about affairs is that they seem to rely on the 'infrastructure' of the existing relationship so that the affair partners can meet in secret, ready for their date.

Years ago I knew someone who's partner ran up a huge bill on those telephone chat lines. All they could say in their defence, when it all came out, is that they were lonely. Gah. Did this person need to be babysat or something ?

Yes, I know the OP's husband isn't on those premium rate chat lines.

Good luck OP. Never mind the usual knee-jerk LTB answers. They do not know your circumstances.

Basically, get it out of him what HE wants. Even if it's just to get him to say it out loud.

Even if it's just to get him to rationalise it.

I assume after you coming in from work late, and he's been on the phone to her, you both sleep in the same bed ?

On clean sheets that you've laundered ? I assume you probably eat meals that you've prepared ?

Do you see where I'm going with this ? You can't suddenly start living like students when you've got a family to raise and bills to pay.

He is quite brazen about this. He does not feel bad about it.

Even if you are gentle about it, he is going to have to face up to it. Could you ask him to book a Dr's appointment ? Just say, if you deem it appropriate, 'I'm sorry to hear you're suffering from depression. Would you speak to your doctor with regard to getting some medication or advice ?'

I mean if he told you he had any other illness or injury what would you do ? I don't mean in a professional nursing capacity either.

Basically, very gently, call his bluff re: the depression.

Oh, and what about marriage guidance counselling or any other sort of couples counselling ? Sorry, but you have become the 'parent' figure to him being the, 'child'.

He is so lost and mentally unstable that he was able to find a 'friend' in the wilderness - and a suicidal one with 'attachment issues' at that. How very convenient.

I swear that if you put a would-be adulterer down in the middle of the Sahara desert a willing female would pop out from behind the nearest palm tree, and it wouldn't only be penguins they found if they were parachuted onto the south pole.

Of course he can't possibly leave his new found 'friend' in the lurch, can he, OP? Why don't you suggest she moves in so you can support her too and they can spend their time chatting away and doing each other's nails while you knock yourself out working late shifts?

As it transpires that he is depressed because he doesn't know who to be with, me or friend you're best advised to tell him to toss a coin, or get his philandering arse out of your home before his self-entitlement grows to such enormous proportions that it flattens you.

With regard to organisations that 'can help him decide', you work for the NHS and should know that his first port of call should be his GP for a course of medication to alleviate his alleged depression and a referral for counselling, but if you go down that route you could find yourself waiting a very long time before he makes a decision and, in the interim, you should get yourself regularly checked out at a GUM clinic because I very much doubt that 'guilt' will stop him having sex with his new pal or persuade him to tell you when he does.

Fgs, honey, - he's making a right mug out of you and you're enabling him to do so.

Gave details??

ok

I have checked his phone.

He has definately slept with her.

He is professing his love to her. She actually said she is in bed right now with his t shirt on, how lovely the bed smells of him etc.

We actually had a chat at midnight where i told him calmly what the outcome woould be if he chose her over me and vice versa, pros and cons. I was really rationale.

HE sent her a message saying I have accepted that things have ended.

We did not agree on that.

My life is broken.

And i never thought this would happen to me.

I was calm because i didnt think he had slept with her, taken coke with her and told her he loved her.

Had that been the story, it would have been a lot different.

She is on medication, bipolar and other things.

He works for the NHS as well, so it seems that he is helping her by providing her with medication.

You need legal advice ASAP.Then grass the sexually incontinent coke snorting lying bastard to his employer.

Kick him out.

Now.

Then start rebuilding your self esteem and your life.

Until those last two posts of yours I was sort of agreeing with Toasted but after what you have just shared, you need to get rid. The sooner the better.

I am so sorry, trod.

You fought his corner valiantly here and no doubt it hurts like hell to know he's made a fool of you - and doubly so when it's been your pride that stopped you seeing the writing on the wall and has ensured that you're the last to know.

If he isn't licensed to prescribe or dispense medicine you now have the dilemma of whether to report him for providing her with drugs that he is presumably stealing from the dispensary or other patients and, if this is the case, may result in him being suspended or may be grounds for instant dismissal and police involvement.

What a lying scheming twunt and utter shitbag to lie to your face day in and day out and night after night. The man has no morals.

I'm tempted to say that neither does the ow but, if she is a patient at the hospital he works at, he may have taken advantage of her condition which only adds to his list of possible wrongdoing. She's bipolar and he's taken coke with her? It beggars belief.

Omigod, honey, what an unholy mess. Do you have any friends/relatives who can come and stay to get you through the next week or two?

Your life is NOT broken and neither is your heart. They've both taken a knock, but they can and will recover and be better and heathlier than they ever were.

It can be no consolation to you at this time, but you WILL get through this and there'll be a time when you'll look back and see that you've always been worth far more than this man who's treated you with a disrespect that's bordering on contempt.

Is he asleep in your bed at the moment? Can you bunk in with the dc or haul the duvet off him and take to the sofa for the rest of the night? When does your next shift start and is he due to work today?

Oh love, I'm so sorry.

What a fucking idiot.

Are you in a position to take some time out? Or better still to ask him to go for a while?

He actually wrote the message about me agreeing to split when he was sat next to me whilst we were having the conversation to reconcile. That is pretty low.

I don't know what to do. He has ordered pills and some coke from his brother for a rave.

I can't kick him out as then i will have to pay the rent myself. And i cant afford childcare, rent and commuting costs.

We have guests staying over, (his family) for untill next week from abroad. I feel like showing them his messages.

I don't even know if i should tell him i have seen the messages.

I think i will tell him he can move out once he has sorted out the rent for the next few months.

So sorry Trodalong. Really sorry for you to look at to eat unless you self medicate on .

What a shitter of a thing to happen to you.

He may well have left the messages on his phone for you to read. Tacit approval and all that.

For him to text her that you had agreed to split while you were trying to reconcile is pretty low. You've got some anger coming you way shortly. You know where to direct it.

If you can be bothered, you could ask him outright what is happening with OW now ? You already know, you just want his response.

Don't let on that you've read the messages on his phone. Unless you want to. That will be a good source of information in future.

I suspect this will all blow up in his face if he goes to live with OW and the same pressures of life return.

Your husband is meeting some type of need that you are not meeting with his friend. Sit him down and find out what that need is. It may be companionship, conversation, support for his depression... etc. Ask him how you could better meet that need.
If he is uncertain who he would want to be with then the need his friend is meeting is a critical one that he is unable to do without. He does not know what he would select... having the need met, or being with you. Give him both by meeting the need rather than him calling the friend to have the need met. Be glad you have found this out now before he has left.... if you love him that is.
Marriage is about meeting each other's needs and making time for each other. We have to find time to do that even with things like work. I am a nurse also so I know how difficult it can be with work.
If your husband has not had sex with this friend then you can bet he loves you. Most men would have made it a physical relationship. ... the exception being if his friend lives too far away and if that is the case beware because they may have already declared their undying "love" for each other. It is a fantasy. Far from reality. It is far too easy to look to others for what we need rather than asking for it from those we love. You and your husband sit down and find out what each other need and then, with a loving heart, start to meet thise needs. God bless.

Bluemagic - if you had rtft you would know that her husband has had sex with the OW.

Presently the OP does not feel very blessed. By God or anyone.

When the other party plays dirty and you're not in a position to walk away, it's no holds barred.

Have you got screen shots of the messages? If so, it seems to me you've got him over a barrel. Make it clear to him that his working life is hanging by the slender thread of your whim and that if he doesn't stump up a whole load of dosh for rent to see you through the next, say, six months he can kiss goodbye to any ambition he may have to progress in his chosen field and the ow can kiss goodbye to whatever drugs he's been purloining for her.

Maybe he can borrow the necessary sum from one or more of his family members who are coming to stay, or from his brother the drug dealer?

I suggest you also make it clear to him that he's forfeited the right to share your bed and should any of his family members notice that he's not sleeping in your bedroom, he can come up with some reason such as a bad back and snoring that keeps you awake to explain why he's sleeping on the floor in one of the dcs' rooms.

Alternatively, you can send him off to the ow with a bow tied on his head before his family arrive and and reveal all to them in the hope that they'll provide the necessary financial support which will enable you to pay the rent until you have time to seek legal advice from a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and consider all of your options.

Are your family in a position to help you out financially?

I just read that about him sleeping with her. I am so sorry. He should leave and go be with her. Find someone else. You deserve it

My family aren't around. They are the type that would be horrified that a marriage had broken up and blame me for not being attentive enough.

I would feel so embarrassed asking his family for money.

I will wait until he is up. I can't believe he has lied to my face so many times. All the times he has been twisting things to show why we should break up. And it was because he wants to be with her.

Op, you're life cannot get any worse than it is now if you separate from this man. It will in fact be much much much better because not having to deal with all of these issues will free you up to deal with other things.

Please get him to go.