Husband's emotional relationship, now depressed - What can i do?

[trodalong]

So i have had a chat with my husband.

Classic case, we were not communicating. Along comes "friend", turns out he was having four hour chats with her most days in the evening ( I am a nurse so working late shifts, walked in to find him on the phone chatting). She is apparently interesting, friendly, makes him feel special.

Where as i am working my guts out trying to supplement our income.

He is really depressed. He said he is so depressed that if he had the optio to be with me or "friend" he wouldn't know who to choose. They haven't had sex ( he would have told me, guilt wise).

I am making more of an effort to be nice, supportive, understanding due to his depression.

I have asked him to delete said "friend's" number of his phone. I am not sure how to go about being more supportive due to his depression. #

I feel more like a mother, councellor, trying to cox him out of his depression, where as he is going on about how he can do nothing right, work and personal life wise.

Any thoughts on how to assist him further depression wise would be appreciated.

Whoa ! Something has just dawned on me. She sleeps with him for drugs ? Does that not make him much more than her dealer ?

They both snort cocaine ?

He's leaving the OP for an unstable drug user ?

Um, OP, if he leaves, please change the locks. Things might start to go missing from the house to fund his/her/their habit.

Will you trust him around your kids if he's been using/dealing.

I mean he's not much more than OW's dealer.

Oh op he's done a real job on you hadn't he? He's sleeping with another woman and somehow that's all your fault

I wouldn't tell him I knew. Yet. And if spend some time getting ducks in a row financially, legally and practically. First bit of paperwork is look for would be his work contract and see what it says about drugs / theft.

You poor thing. But you know, the fault here doesn't lie with your (or Bluemagik's) imagined shortcomings as a wife. You know that don't you?

Bluemagik, incidentally, can you see how damaging what you wrote is to the op. By saying : if you tried harder he wouldn't need to look elsewhere you've laid the blame squarely on op for her DH's twattish behaviour. nice.

so sorry to hear this, it's a horrible blow.
What is your housing situation? Have you checked what benefits you could get if you were a lone parent?

The lying twunt she's married to is yet another shitty gift that keeps on giving as the OP is now caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place with regard to her duty to report her h to his employers and her need for the h to keep on working in order to keep a roof over the head of her dc.

While the knowledge she's obtained from taking a look at his phone has given her a huge stick to beat him with a distinct advantage, she will need to box exceedingly clever in determining the optimum moment to reveal it, in part or in full, to him or anyone else in rl.

I'm wondering whether your local authority operates a scheme in which essential workers such as yourself are given priority for affordable social housing on a rent or part buy/part rent basis, trod? This may be something you could check out with your local council and with your employers who may be able to nominate you direct to housing associations and the like.

In the short term it will be a case of needs must when the devil drives and you may need to give consideration to acquiring a lodger to pay the rent, even if this means giving up your bedroom and sharing with the dc until you've got your finances sorted.

The above presupposes that you will boot your h's arse into orbit out of your home and, his family's forthcoming visit notwithstanding, I don't see that you have a viable alternative as you will find it impossible to maintain a facade of happy families while he remains under your roof.

It may seem that their visit is bad timing, but I daresay it can be used to your advantage one way or another.

Try to stop taking the blame for the situation. He has made all these choices not you. He at any point could have said "hey we need to work on our relationship" but he hasn't. This is all his doing and his choice and the consequences he faces are his. Your unfortunate consequence that you face today are more a result of being married to him, ie your marriage maybe ending, your housing situation may changes etc .. Sometimes these things need to happen (ie the mess to sort it out) and I'm sorry. What I think (just a personal opinion) is that he needs to organize his life, get help, pick up his pieces, face his employer etc but he can't do this properly until he is willing. (Although he will probably need to face his employers, he may just not choose to clean up his life just yet he will probably try and keep living in denial). However he needs to work on sorting it out and growing trust with you again, to have any sort of relationship, even if just for the kids. You cannot trust him, so he shouldn't be around right now. Both he and you need to sit down calmly and tell his family (who are visiting). Again just calmly, passing on facts. You should not be expected to play happy families right now. He needs to clean up his mess and going out to party ain't doing that. If he continues doing this he needs to go, and you will need to sit down his family and just explain. And they may be a comfort. Maybe? They may help you to organize what you will do from here... Yup it's called family and families can be messy but they need to be honest with each other too. I'm really sorry by the way. I'm so sorry you have to face all this today. And by the way this is your life and you are in the drivers seat from here onwards, so try not to take on board what other family members may or may not feel about what you do (whether present or not, whether this situation may be a failure or not, whether they have a right or wrong way to cope with this. This is your journey, and your decisions.
Hugs to you xx

I can't get over he gave her coke she's bi-polar. The bastard should be struck off for that

you would survive on your own and could claim benefits to help support you plus maintenance from him.

Of course he had slept with her. Kick him out and let her bloody keep him. And find some self respect. And keep a record of proof of his drug taking and any other shenanigans. If he then threatens to take the kids away, or some other such shite, you will have enough proof of what type of father he really is.

I've read your other thread. This isn't about the nails. Please find some self-respect and leave him. Neither of you are happy.

He says that the reason he loves her is because she accepts him for who he is.

Apparently after 12 years together i just ruined his self esteem by:

1. Constantly criticizing him

2. constantly making him better himself for me- by going to uni, giving up alcohol, wearing slightly smarter clothes.- growing up. this i disagree with with as all these improvements were pushed by his parents.

I am wondering whether i have contributed to him being pushed away.

Not in a doormat sort of way. But if he was a women, we would all say husband should accept wife for who she is.

FFS - this is his fault. When a man shows you who he is listen. And you are a complete and utter doormat as you are blaming his behaviour on yourself which is ridiculous. If he was unhappy he should have spoken up and left. Not had an affair. Why do you want to be with a disloyal druggy - and why subject your children to this.

You need to set them an example and bloody well find some self esteem from somewhere.

OP, sorry this has been such a painful realisation for you.

Can you try to speak to CAB today to find out what benefits you'd be entitled to? If you kick him out, you will not be homeless. You should be able to get housing benefit, and probably child tax credit/working tax credit. Also he will need to be providing maintenance for the children.

As other posters have said, if he is regularly taking drugs then be vigilant about changing locks, etc, after he is gone.

Do your DC have SN? You may also be able to get extra help there, e.g. transport to school.

Does the NHS have an employee advice service which you can access?

Please don't listen to him blaming you for him having an affair. Read through these boards and you will see every husband with wandering penis syndrome retrospectively justifying their behaviour by deciding their wife was a castrating bitch. He made the decision to have sex with someone else. And if you supported him to go to uni, drop binge drinking and grow the fuck up, he should be giving you his heartfelt thanks!

Even the shittiest of men have a slight twinge of conscience pursuing an affair but to assuage this they rewrite history and look for any reason they can use to justify their behaviour. This is what has happened here- your dh has been checking out of your marriage for a while and looking for anything he can to make you seem at fault. You aren't.
You will wonder why he is so detached when you are so broken. This is because he has been mentally checking out bit by bit every day so is ahead of you.
Please try and keep your dignity. And recognise that this man is now your enemy and cannot give you comfort. I'm so sorry.

He is a liar. He has lied about her so you can assume that he is lying to you about his feelings, his depression and everything else. At the very least you cannot assume he is telling the truth.

He should do and stay with her. Pethaps she'd like tp put his family up to. See how he likes that.

Don't let him make you keep his secrets. He is the one who should be ashamed.