A woman's perspective please....

[Timnicebutdim2015]

This could be a long one. Feel free to tell me where to get off but I'm desperate for a woman's take on my situation. I'm late 40s, I've been in a relationship for the best part of two decades with a significantly older lady, while passion is a distant memory we are both happy, she is my best friend and I had been faithful.
About 6 months ago I met someone else. As the old saying goes, if something seems too good to be true.... I was completely open with my new friend regarding my domestic situation and she accepted it. She was enthusiastic and passionate, she made me feel alive and made me realise what I was missing. We had so much in common and enjoyed each others company. It was seemingly perfect. Despite being in her 40s and 'on the pill' a month in she announced she was pregnant with my child. Ahh, the miracle of conception.
One of the things we had in common was a lack of desire to have children, for me the term 'lack of desire' is an understatement, Ill go as far as to say I don't like children (sorry) Regardless of my feelings I offered to support her in whatever she decided to do, after initially choosing to have a termination she has decided to go it alone and have the child. Im still with my original partner and while Im aware I should have considered her before having a fling the thought of breaking this news to her doesn't bear thinking about. Shes innocent and deserves better.
New lady is still determined to do her own thing, she is someone who is fiercely independent with a career she worked hard to achieve. Im Mr Ordinary, I have an ordinary job, an ordinary house, I am not a 'catch'. Im not worth trapping even though I feel Im in a situation beyond my control.
Ive been given the options of being with new lady, not being with new lady but having contact with the child or just walking away. As unlikely as it seems, I DO have a conscience, I will pay for the child despite being told she wants nothing from me.
Im just at a loss as to where to go from here.

Tim you aren't taking responsibility for this situation at all.

You are blaming both these women for what has happened.

You words indicate that this has been done to you.

But you did it to yourself.

Now, entirely through your own actions, you are in a sticky situation and frightened of the consequences.

It's less than impressive.

Face up to your responsibility you are going to be a father
Tell your long term partner as soon as possible .
Start making plans with your ex lover about how you will share the upbringing of this beautiful child.

I wish it was

I'm not trying to excuse what I did and I'm not going into the finer details but my partners health was never at risk.

Oh don't be ridiculous. What would you have done if your partner had made romantic overtures to you at any point since you began your sexual relationship with another woman?

Told her? You won't tell her now that you're going to be a father! You would have hoped for the best and convinced yourself you would 'get away with it' as you couldn't have picked up an STI.

Tim what do you mean : "I wish it was "

He means he wishes it was made up - as a PP suggested.

Tim you failed to use bc and had unprotected sex. I would insist on a DNA test as soon as the child is born. You also owe your wife some honesty. She may choose to end the relationship.

Once again I am reading a thread and thinking what's most stupid. What apparently happened or posting about it on Mumsnet. Sounds like Dear Deidre in The Sun might be more appropriate.

mmmmpfff!

I don't believe it either. But I'm procrastinating on a short essay.

As you were, OP. Ignore the women chit-chattering amongst themselves about female things.

Now, Tim, why did you ask if anyone had had oral contraceptives fail? Is asking for anecdotes the most rational way to assess risk? In my book, no.

I used a Reader's Digest Medical Dictionary as a young woman in the 20th century, but information dissemination as moved on. I present the webaite of the National Health Service!

"No contraceptive is 100% reliable and some can have side effects. Find out about all the methods available so you can decidewhich method is right for you. All 15 methods are listed here, together with how effective they are.

Contraceptive pill

Combined contraceptive pill:more than99% effective if taken correctly. Less than1 woman in 100 will get pregnant in a year while taking the combined pill.

Progestogen-only pill:99% effective if taken correctly. One woman in 100 will get pregnant in a year while taking the progestogen-only pill."

"Today 02:41 Zillie77

Hypocrite."

Youve clearly missed my point.

"Is asking for anecdotes the most rational way to assess risk?"

Ha! I'm getting this on a Tshirt.

It's a low self-esteem thing in males. The disbelief that they've got somebody pregnant. Asking for a paternity test (or not asking for one) aside when he describes himself as ordinary and mr average, I think he also has a very low self-esteem. Feels powerless. Therefore, can't believe he has got a woman pregnant even though he ejaculated in to her. I saw it on Dr Phil ages ago it's partly lack of responsibility, partly being a blamer of course, but also goes hand in hand with low self-esteem

Giving the OP the benefit of the doubt, I think it's fairly straight forward.

You stay with your current partner, assuming she'll have you following the soap opera revelations, pay towards the child, and choose the level of personal involvement with the child you can cope with.

I don't like dogs, but I find they're never as bad as I think they're going to be when forced to spend time with them, and some can be quite sweet in small doses.

I disagree that he should stay with his current partner, even if she'll have him.
He has said that it's run its course with her.
It would be lazy and unfair to stay with her if his heart isn't in it - because chances are he'll just cheat again.

He needs to stop playing the victim .

Oh yeah, I missed the run its course post.

In that case the rest of my advice stands but you'll be on your tod OP.

This is the catalyst he needs to leave the long term partner. A year from now, he could be really happy. But only if he acts with a bit more..... honour. Tell the truth. Take some responsibility. See how it all pans out. OP has bailed now but if he were reading i'd say act like a man who deserves to be able to hold his head up. One small deed at a time.

I'm looking for the perspective of the 'other woman'

OP, I have a friend who, around age 40, did something similar to your OW. She had a one-night stand with a married man, and got pregnant. She hadn't intended to get pregnant, but didn't bother to take precautions and was quite happy to be pregnant. She had the child and raised the DC alone. Having a child is life-changing and she thinks it is one of the best things she ever did.

AFAIK, he never told his wife, with whom he had three DCs.

Unfortunately, the lack of involvement of the father wasn't so good for my friend's DC, who is now around 20 and suffers from depression that may be due to feeling rejected by the father.

The option of having nothing to do with your child is probably the worst from the DC's perspective.

Bit of a leap to gauge that depression is caused by an absent father isn't it ?!

That is what my friend thinks, pinlyredrose. She has explained it to me over the course of several years.

I was just summarising in response to OPs request.

Just a thought...are you absolutely sure she is pregnant?

Ha. I think she was already pregnant when she met you OP. Got pregnant a month in, while on the pill, in her forties Nope. Ridiculous. Not impossible but highly unlikely.

Ooh. The plot (like my gravy) thickens......!