Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A woman's perspective please....

131 replies

Timnicebutdim2015 · 06/09/2015 22:08

This could be a long one. Feel free to tell me where to get off but I'm desperate for a woman's take on my situation. I'm late 40s, I've been in a relationship for the best part of two decades with a significantly older lady, while passion is a distant memory we are both happy, she is my best friend and I had been faithful.
About 6 months ago I met someone else. As the old saying goes, if something seems too good to be true.... I was completely open with my new friend regarding my domestic situation and she accepted it. She was enthusiastic and passionate, she made me feel alive and made me realise what I was missing. We had so much in common and enjoyed each others company. It was seemingly perfect. Despite being in her 40s and 'on the pill' a month in she announced she was pregnant with my child. Ahh, the miracle of conception.
One of the things we had in common was a lack of desire to have children, for me the term 'lack of desire' is an understatement, Ill go as far as to say I don't like children (sorry) Regardless of my feelings I offered to support her in whatever she decided to do, after initially choosing to have a termination she has decided to go it alone and have the child. Im still with my original partner and while Im aware I should have considered her before having a fling the thought of breaking this news to her doesn't bear thinking about. Shes innocent and deserves better.
New lady is still determined to do her own thing, she is someone who is fiercely independent with a career she worked hard to achieve. Im Mr Ordinary, I have an ordinary job, an ordinary house, I am not a 'catch'. Im not worth trapping even though I feel Im in a situation beyond my control.
Ive been given the options of being with new lady, not being with new lady but having contact with the child or just walking away. As unlikely as it seems, I DO have a conscience, I will pay for the child despite being told she wants nothing from me.
Im just at a loss as to where to go from here.

OP posts:
noiwontstoptalking · 07/09/2015 00:25

Please, please stop putting inverted commas round 'on the pill'.

It is so offensive.

If you didn't want a baby you should have used a condom, every teenage boy knows this!

I personally know three, highly intelligent, professional women who had pill fails. No form of contraception is 100%.

Stop blaming the mother of your child. You are culpable here.

Stop whining and take responsibility for your actions.

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 00:28

The miracle of contraception, is as simple as ejaculating into someone. Yes even women in their 40's.

Original poster
Timnicebutdim2015 · 07/09/2015 00:29

Im not whining and I will take financial responsibility,

Lovelyfriend, checking dates it would appear the OW became pregnant the first or second time we had sex. (Apparently Im not allowed to say 'miracle of conception' anymore)

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:29

How long have you been with your "best friend" partner? Do you jointly own a home?

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 00:33

You've created a child Tim an actual person. An actual person who is going to need parenting as well as the CSA minimum (minimum). I really hope the mother of this child is going to be a little more involved than you.

Do you think walking away is an OK option? What is nice about that?

UrbaneFox · 07/09/2015 00:33

Well it's not that miraculous is it. You had unprotected sex

Luckily, when a man impregnated me and I didn't want to be pregnant, he was very apologetic and supportive. When I admitted to a doctor that I'd been careless because of my age, she rolled her eyes. It's great fun being judged. you should stop judging.

Original poster
Timnicebutdim2015 · 07/09/2015 00:34

Ok, I have work in the morning, thanks everyone who has commented. Some have been more helpful than others.

I need to work out how to deal with my partner, this isnt going to be easy.
Committing to the OW would be a mistake, we have a trust issue which works both ways.

As far as the child is concerned, I can see a very discrete DNA test being run before I make any decisions.

Good night.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 00:34

sorry not yet child - embryo or foetus now, but on its way to being a new human.

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 00:35

What is a very discrete DNA test?

SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 00:36

I can see a very discrete DNA test being run before I make any decisions.

Hmm how 'discrete'?

You really arent nice at all are you?

SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 00:38

And before you make any decisions? So youre going to hang onto your wife for 9 months until you know for sure if youve fucked up completely?

UrbaneFox · 07/09/2015 00:38

You're entitled to askk for a dna tesst after the baby is born, but is it likely that she'd lie and tell you you are the father if you're not. I mean, just because you describe yourself as being ordinary and say she could do better. If that's the case, how likely is it that she'd lie and tell some ordinary bloke that he's the father of her child if he isn't the father of her child.

My advice is, even though you hadn't planned it, you might end up loving this child and you might end up wishing you hadn't blamed the mother for getting pregnant and insulted her by implying that she's lying about her pregnancy and who the father is. If you keep your gob shut for now, you may be able to find out what you want to knwo anyway, without things getting unnecessarily unpleasant.

YonicScrewdriver · 07/09/2015 00:39

"As far as the child is concerned, I can see a very discrete DNA test being run before I make any decisions."

Christ, really?

If you don't think it's your child, ask for a DNA test.

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:41

Oh now I'm actually laughing out loud!
You both have trust issues?
Why on earth would she have a trust issue sleeping with a man who is cheating on his partner?

So even more of a reason why you shouldn't have left contraception to her then if you had 'trust issues'.

As to your comment about discreet DNA testing... That's despicable. What - you're going to wait until she's out of the room and then swab your poor bloody unwanted child?

No.

You end things with your partner.
You tell her there's a chance that your affair's pregnancy is your child.
You tell your OW that you want a DNA test when the baby is here. You do NOT sneak that off in secret Confused

Funny how quickly this woman that was worth shitting all over your "best friend" with, so quickly becomes someone you don't trust, isn't it?

Sgtmajormummy · 07/09/2015 00:42

Discreet (discrete means separate).

UrbaneFox · 07/09/2015 00:42

Was there somebody else on the scene or are you clutching at straws here OP?

Why would she lie and tell you you were the father if you aren't. The pair of you aren't in a relationship. It would be a pointless lie. And given that you were having unprotected sex, I think you're in denial.

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 00:45

apparently discrete means without the mothers consent (Tim PM'ed me - I'm not so discrete).

Surely if you turned out not to be the father, then the taking of the DNA from a baby with the mothers consent is an illegal act?

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:45

I'm still trying to work out how we've gone from "seemingly perfect" to "trust issues" by page 3.

Oh I know! Because you're looking for a reason to blame her for your actions.

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:48

Oh how nice of him to PM you.

Perhaps he really is nice but dim! Nice enough to explain it to you, dim enough not to realise you know exactly what it is (despite his spelling mistake) but are Hmm at the suggestion of it.

TImReallyQuiteANastyLittleShitOfACheat2015 might not be in use?

SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 00:50

I'd press charges if i found you'd taken a swab of my child without my consent.

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 00:53

I'm going to sleep knowing there are self declared "nice ordinary men" who think sneaking up on new born babies with DNA swabs behind their mothers back is an OK thing to do -aarrrrgh!

(As well as thinking having unprotected sex while in LTR is OK.)

sleeponeday · 07/09/2015 00:58

I've had DepoProvera fail. That's the injectable contraceptive. If that can fail, anything can.

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 01:07

I think there is some unnecessary harshness to these responses. We are all imperfect, we all make errors in judgement, and I think it would be great if they could be discussed openly with less ugliness.

Also, critiquing someone's writing style is kind of petty. Some people communicate formally in forum settings, some casually.

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 01:11

There are scales of magnitude.

Yeah, we all make mistakes. But actually, most people don't make the 'mistake' of cheating on their "best friend" partner of 20 years.

Taking a risk that someone else's contraception will be good enough? Yeah, that's a pretty low grade mistake.

The reason I'm giving him a hard time is because he's a scummy cheat.

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 01:19

Is this the place to tell someone that you think he is a scummy cheat, though? Is that the way you want to communicate on here? I think that is a very reductive classification of a person, but your opinion is your opinion.

Swipe left for the next trending thread