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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A woman's perspective please....

131 replies

Timnicebutdim2015 · 06/09/2015 22:08

This could be a long one. Feel free to tell me where to get off but I'm desperate for a woman's take on my situation. I'm late 40s, I've been in a relationship for the best part of two decades with a significantly older lady, while passion is a distant memory we are both happy, she is my best friend and I had been faithful.
About 6 months ago I met someone else. As the old saying goes, if something seems too good to be true.... I was completely open with my new friend regarding my domestic situation and she accepted it. She was enthusiastic and passionate, she made me feel alive and made me realise what I was missing. We had so much in common and enjoyed each others company. It was seemingly perfect. Despite being in her 40s and 'on the pill' a month in she announced she was pregnant with my child. Ahh, the miracle of conception.
One of the things we had in common was a lack of desire to have children, for me the term 'lack of desire' is an understatement, Ill go as far as to say I don't like children (sorry) Regardless of my feelings I offered to support her in whatever she decided to do, after initially choosing to have a termination she has decided to go it alone and have the child. Im still with my original partner and while Im aware I should have considered her before having a fling the thought of breaking this news to her doesn't bear thinking about. Shes innocent and deserves better.
New lady is still determined to do her own thing, she is someone who is fiercely independent with a career she worked hard to achieve. Im Mr Ordinary, I have an ordinary job, an ordinary house, I am not a 'catch'. Im not worth trapping even though I feel Im in a situation beyond my control.
Ive been given the options of being with new lady, not being with new lady but having contact with the child or just walking away. As unlikely as it seems, I DO have a conscience, I will pay for the child despite being told she wants nothing from me.
Im just at a loss as to where to go from here.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 01:20

Cheating on a partner is not an error in judgement. An error in judgement would be trusting that your partner and best friend is faithful when they are actually a cheating scumbag. That is an error in judgement, that can be entirely forgiven.

What notnicetim has done is made a conscious deliberate decision to hedge his bets, taste the grass on the other side and now it has well and truly proven it is indeed green and fertile.

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 01:24

Okay, but my point still remains that the kind of ugly name-calling people are doing on this thread is obnoxious and unhelpful. It is really off-putting. Give it a rest.

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 01:24

the Op was clearly seeking A Woman's Perspective - he didn't specify which Woman.

I'm starting to see a pattern .....

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 01:26

some woman's perspective is that men who cheat on their P's are XYZ.

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 01:27

Why not put more energy into giving productive advice vs. spewing insults, though?

daiseehope · 07/09/2015 01:30

Tim needs to get the snip I believe.

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 01:30

Zillie I do understand your point.
I haven't only given him my personal opinion of him, I've also said what I think he should do, as he asked.

He also specifically states that he wants a woman's perspective.
My opinion, my perspective, from what he has written, is that he really has no idea how much of an arsehole he has been.

He claims that his and his partner were both happy and she is his best friend. That is clearly NOT TRUE.

The reason that I am telling it how I see it, is not to pointlessly abuse him - though honestly, I do feel like that to.

It's that I believe he will handle the split from his "best friend" better if he realises just how much of a "scummy cheat" he has been. If he takes more responsibility for his actions, his partner may find the split easier.

Tbh, right now he sounds like he's going to convince himself that OW led him on for sperm, and that anyway the baby isn't his, and then... he'll just stay with his unwitting partner. He's having a baby, and he hasn't told his partner yet. I think he'll be a coward and just stay with his partner.

I think he needs reminding that he's done a bloody awful thing, cheating on her - pregnancy or not. I think it comes across like he's minimising that. So a few people sharing their perspective that he's an arsehole MIGHT make him think a little more about his behaviour. It isn't "just a mistake, we all make them".

SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 01:30

When were you appointed thread monitor zillie?

Why dont you focus your energy on giving your own response to the OP.

All youve done is tell other people their responses are wrong. Give it a rest.

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 01:35

Surly, I did give my response to the thread, which had become jammed up with vitriol. His original question got buried under heaps of derision. Am I "thread monitor" when I express a contrary opinion to most of the posters here? How sad, this groupthink.

SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 01:44

Surly, I did give my response to the thread

no you didnt. I see no comment from you on the OP's situation. You only comment on other people's posts.

Am I "thread monitor" when I express a contrary opinion to most of the posters here?

Not at all, but that isnt what you did. You told other people to stop posting as they were. This makes you a self appointed thread monitor.

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 01:49

I don't think it's fair to call a majority opinion that he has done wrong by cheating, "groupthink". Fidelity is a pretty basic convention in our society. I'd be surprised if the majority didn't think it was wrong.

Am I reductive to think he's a scummy cheat? Is it simplistic? Yes.
I don't doubt there are many nuances and factors to consider.

But am I wrong to be reductive? I think not. Whatever his reasons for cheating, it does, for me, come down to a basic action that he cheated and that that is scummy behaviour.

He could come back and say that he's spent years begging his wife for counselling, we may find she's abused him for 20 years. There are many things that he could say that might make me more sympathetic. So in that sense I'm reductive.
But whatever other information there is to be had, he should not have cheated.

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 01:51

Sorry, meant to say - it was because he said they were both happy and she was his best friend, that I didn't think "OK, let's not call scummy cheat here".

His focus does not appear to be on making this as easy on his partner, but on whether there's a chance he'll get lucky and OW is a liar.

That's why I'm not overly impressed by him.

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 01:59

Your points are well-taken, and well-stated. I just don't like name-calling. If I had a friend who came to me with his story, I wouldn't call him a cheating scumbag to his face, so I see no point in doing it on-line. Am I not allowed to express my opinion that people should knock off the name-calling?

And when I said I responded to the thread I was referring to responding to the devolved thread rather than his situation, because what stood out for me were the insults he was receiving.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/09/2015 02:01

As to your comment about discreet DNA testing... That's despicable. What - you're going to wait until she's out of the room and then swab your poor bloody unwanted child?

That would be against the law unless he marries the mother or is named on the BC.

It is against the law for someone who does not have PR of a child to under go medical procedures or tests without the consent of someone with PR and it would be against the law for the lab to process it.

I think there is some unnecessary harshness to these responses. We are all imperfect, we all make errors in judgement, and I think it would be great if they could be discussed openly with less ugliness

we are starting to live in a world where it is fashionable to not judge people, this is mostly a good thing when it comes to things people shouldn't be judged for (writing style would be a good example of that) but it is not a good thing when it means people can behave however they please with little to no thought for others or the consequences, sometimes people need to be told they have behaved in a shockingly bad way and accept that one of the consequences of their actions are that decent people think they have done something very bad.

op all contraception can fail. I had a injection contraception failure late last year. It was done at the optimum time no sexual contact occured for a full 14 days and it still happened. And that I believe is considered to be one of the most effective contraceptions availible.

Get it out into the open, put on your big boy pants and tell everybody who needs to know - accept this may make your life very uncomfortable for quite some time and will probally not go down well.

After the baby is born ask nicely for a DNA test - accept that chances are the mother will lose any and all good will towards you as a result of this, unless you have legitimate reason to feel that she has been less than honest about her sexual activities with you after all "I would like a DNA test" really means "I do not believe I was the only person you had sex with/I need convincing this child is mine"

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 02:09

Judge all you like, just show some degree of kindness/humanity in communication, that's all.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/09/2015 02:09

I don't think it's fair to call a majority opinion that he has done wrong by cheating, "groupthink". Fidelity is a pretty basic convention in our society. I'd be surprised if the majority didn't think it was wrong

I don't give two hoots about fidelity in my relationships. I really really don't. Don't get me wrong I care if you bring it into my home and I care if you jeapodise my health or my friendship group but in genral I would not be bothered at all by infidelity.

But if two people in a commited relationship both believe it is commited and faithful then it is vile.

SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 02:13

I just don't like name-calling

You are quite entitled not to like it, you are quite entitled to say you dont like it and think it unnecessary, however when you start telling others how to post you should expect that not to go down well. You arent thread monitor. People can post as they like. If they agreed with you they wouldnt be posting as they had.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/09/2015 02:14

Judge all you like, just show some degree of kindness/humanity in communication, that's all

Kindness, would that be intentionally wording your post to imply a sperm stealer?Talking about covertly doing a DNA test?

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 02:22

Surly, people can post as they like, and so can I. If I suggest that people lay off the insults, so what? I get that people don't like it, but I still think it is fine that I expressed it.

SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 02:30

Well i dont. give it a rest.

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 02:41

Hypocrite.

sleeponeday · 07/09/2015 02:43

I thought insulting people, no matter the provocation, was wrong, Zillie? Confused

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 02:43

I will give it a rest, and you should as well.

Zillie77 · 07/09/2015 02:50

I am going to deregister my account. This site is just plain unpleasant more often than not. I am obviously too much of a lightweight for it.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 07/09/2015 06:29

But it's all made up anyway! Angry

Haven't people better things to do with their time?

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