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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A woman's perspective please....

131 replies

Timnicebutdim2015 · 06/09/2015 22:08

This could be a long one. Feel free to tell me where to get off but I'm desperate for a woman's take on my situation. I'm late 40s, I've been in a relationship for the best part of two decades with a significantly older lady, while passion is a distant memory we are both happy, she is my best friend and I had been faithful.
About 6 months ago I met someone else. As the old saying goes, if something seems too good to be true.... I was completely open with my new friend regarding my domestic situation and she accepted it. She was enthusiastic and passionate, she made me feel alive and made me realise what I was missing. We had so much in common and enjoyed each others company. It was seemingly perfect. Despite being in her 40s and 'on the pill' a month in she announced she was pregnant with my child. Ahh, the miracle of conception.
One of the things we had in common was a lack of desire to have children, for me the term 'lack of desire' is an understatement, Ill go as far as to say I don't like children (sorry) Regardless of my feelings I offered to support her in whatever she decided to do, after initially choosing to have a termination she has decided to go it alone and have the child. Im still with my original partner and while Im aware I should have considered her before having a fling the thought of breaking this news to her doesn't bear thinking about. Shes innocent and deserves better.
New lady is still determined to do her own thing, she is someone who is fiercely independent with a career she worked hard to achieve. Im Mr Ordinary, I have an ordinary job, an ordinary house, I am not a 'catch'. Im not worth trapping even though I feel Im in a situation beyond my control.
Ive been given the options of being with new lady, not being with new lady but having contact with the child or just walking away. As unlikely as it seems, I DO have a conscience, I will pay for the child despite being told she wants nothing from me.
Im just at a loss as to where to go from here.

OP posts:
TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 06/09/2015 23:38

You were cheating on your partner and not using a condom.

So you were also putting your partner's health at risk. Tell me, if you can, supposed adult man, why STIs are so prevalent? Because of shit like this, is why.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 23:38

Conception is not a miracle by the way. It's just a pretty common bit of biology. Don't be wafted it around as a miracle instead of taking responsibility. She got pregnant because YOU didn't bother to take precautions.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 23:41

a situation beyond my control

No it isn't. It's a situation caused by you. And you make the choices what you do next.

Including telling your "best friend" that you found it pretty bloody easy to chest on her.

Original poster
Timnicebutdim2015 · 06/09/2015 23:42

I realise the old ones are the best ones, 'Im married but I don't sleep with my wife' etc. I'm not trying to excuse what I did and I'm not going into the finer details but my partners health was never at risk.

OP posts:
Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 23:47

You can't take back what has happened, so all you can do is say you are sorry for that but I don't think you should settle down with this women because she is having your baby. I think you need to think about how you feel about the women you was with, do you love her? Do you want to make it work? This other women is having this baby, if you decide to be apart of this child's life it will cause some issues with trust with your current partner, but if you won't cheat again it could work. First thing is think about what you want, second talk to your partner, tell her what you did on here. After a while she will talk with you and you can find out if she will have you back and if it could work.

tunnockt3acake · 06/09/2015 23:52

Actually your partners health was at risk !!!- because you have damaged her emotional & partnership/well being/social health

Because now you have to confess to creating a child with another woman

Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 23:58

It isn't fair to say "you should have been more careful" everyone makes mistakes, all of us. It's how we stand up to them and deal with them. What do you want to do about all this? Do you want to make It work with your wife?

BoreOfWhabylon · 06/09/2015 23:59

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:05

How can he make it work with his current partner? Even if she's prepared to stay with him, sounds like she doesn't want sex (?) and he clearly does.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to point out that he should have been more careful. Not because it changes the current pregnancy situation. But because he's glibly calling it a 'miracle of conception' and he needs to wake up and take responsibility for the fact he made a BIG mistake.

Original poster
Timnicebutdim2015 · 07/09/2015 00:06

I feel my current relationship has run its course. I'm not belittling what I've done but I have been faithful, I've grown old with this lady and just accepted a lack of intimacy as time passed. The 'other woman' just made me realise how good things could be. I may be on the hill but Ive just realised Im not ready to go over it just yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timnicebutdim2015 · 07/09/2015 00:08

Cabrinha, BIG mistake, Im not denying that one.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:12

You mean you felt your current relationship wasn't giving you enough (any) sex.
Be honest about it. She's your "best friend" remember?
Which means that what is missing is sex.
And it's a big thing to miss, and I'd judge no-one for ending a relationship over that.

But if you just felt it had run it's course (read: you wanted a shag) then why didn't you end it before cheating on your "best friend"?

You're an arsehole.

As you're happy to cheat on your partner, and feel it's run it's course then the situation is pretty simple. You need to tell her, as kindly as you can, without blaming her. If there are joint finances or living arrangements to unravel, be as fair as you can.

Original poster
Timnicebutdim2015 · 07/09/2015 00:13

While it makes no difference to the situation could I ask if anyone has had the pill fail?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 07/09/2015 00:13

"As you're happy to cheat on your partner, and feel it's run it's course then the situation is pretty simple. You need to tell her, as kindly as you can, without blaming her. If there are joint finances or living arrangements to unravel, be as fair as you can."

Yup.

And also - Maryz is fab.

YonicScrewdriver · 07/09/2015 00:14

Yes, the pill has a failure rate even when used correctly, and a larger one when not used correctly (a missed day, a stomach upset etc)

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:16

I don't understand why you say you're at a loss where to go from here.
And I don't know why you need a 'woman's perspective' - men have decent and useful advice too.

Where you go from here is simple.

  1. End it as calmly and kindly and fairly (in practical terms) as you can with your poor cheated on partner.
  1. Don't rush into living with your pregnant affair. I doubt there's much between you anyway.
  1. Step up and support your child financially and have regular contact
UrbaneFox · 07/09/2015 00:16

Maybe this is just forcing you to make some decisions.

Not the end of the World I don't think. It sounds like you are just living under the same roof as your partner. Will she be really shocked?

Take responsibility for unprotected sex though. It's not a secret that it can result in pregnancy. Pregnancy isn't something women do to men. It's actually something men do to women! ykwim.

cowbag1 · 07/09/2015 00:19

Of course it can fail, you do know it's not 100% effective don't you? And that's if taken properly and without anything else interfering, such as a bout of d+v.

I'm honesty baffled that you haven't had a vasectomy as your so against having children. Is that because contraception is a woman's responsibility in your eyes?

UrbaneFox · 07/09/2015 00:20

I've forgotten to take the pill. It didn't fail. But I did used to genuinely forget to take it. I have another 'story' from my early forties, a big shock. I won't spell it out. But I do get very annoyed at men who ejaculate in to a vagina and then act like a pregnancy was 'done' to them.

It is exasperating. In about 1989 my biology teacher told a row of boys that if they didn't want a baby they could put on a condom. He said 'what do you do if you don't want a baby?' and they mumbled 'puttttonnaconnnndmmsurr'

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:21

Oh stop trying to wriggle out of responsibility, looking to blame the pill.

Any google search will tell you that the combined oral contraceptive pill has a perfect use failure rate of 0.3%

So yeah - people get pregnant on the pill.

But you're still 100% responsible for choosing a contraceptive method that isn't perfect. Oh yeah - and sticking your cock where it shouldn't have been in the first place Hmm

SurlyCue · 07/09/2015 00:22

While it makes no difference to the situation could I ask if anyone has had the pill fail?

No, the pill has never failed ever, this woman is clearly lying to you Hmm

Of course people have had pill failures. Nothing other than absitinence has 100% success rate. You are an adult man. How the fuck do you not know this shit? And if you dont why the hell are you having sex with anyone?

Original poster
Timnicebutdim2015 · 07/09/2015 00:22

Cowbag, my partner has a grown up son from a previous relationship and is unable to have more children. This is the first time a vasectomy has seemed like a good idea. (Horse......stable door)

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 00:24

Oh and change your username.
Dim - fine.
But nice? It isn't remotely nice to cheat on your partner.

Original poster
Timnicebutdim2015 · 07/09/2015 00:25

Cabrinha........someone else had used that

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 00:25

I'd put money on the OW having conned you out of your sperm OP. Sounds like you made the job very easy.

Did you even talk about wearing a condom? How many times did you sleep with her for this pill contraception failure to happen? Could be genuine but might not be

Think of your Partner, think of your child and what kid of father you are going to be. THink of what kind of father you want to be both now and in 20 years time. If you walk away, and this person comes to find you later in life, will you be happy with your decision?