Why would Ds say this?

[ClearBlueWater]

My marriage isn't good, and that isn't new.
I am disabled and our intimate life has dwindled (I find it painful).
H is very unkind to me and I hate being intimate with him due to this too.
He says I am a 'shit wife, who's only use is I can cook'.

Here is a small example.
Today, H wants to go on a train. The trip is for him, but he wants the kids there to be with him and to take pics to send his family to show what a 'good dad' he is. (He will 'fuss them' in front of other people and ignore them at home, and has always been this way)
Only one particular train will do (cant be the next train, has to be that one).
He wants to take the kids, so I get to stay home (we have a new and difficult dog who doesn't cope with being left alone atm).
Dd is not really keen on trip so H says she can have sweeties when she gets there. She wants to buy me some to bring back.
Just before leaving, Dd starts fussing about a particular purse she cant find. If we stop and search they will miss that particular train and H will be in a bad mood. I wont be there, and I am worried he will make life miserable for the kids by grumping on and on.
I tell her: 'don't worry about your purse, Dad will have spare sweetie money'.
I go into the kitchen and tell H: 'Dd is fussing about a purse. there isn't time to find it. I've told her you have spare pennies for sweeties'.
He starts ranting: 'I cant look for it, NOW I will burn the toast'.
I say: 'Oh you have misunderstood me - you don't need to find it, just reassure Dd'. He then rants on about toast etc etc etc again and starts using the F word in front of Ds, ('you fucking stupid cow') quickly becoming verbally aggressive at my perceived criticism of him. He leaves room.
I go into the hallway and explain that I was just trying to pass on helpful info re Dd and tell him to stop swearing. He is standing in a doorway at the top of a flight of stairs. He lunges at me and I move away quickly and I shut the door to stop him lunging again. It is not enough to alter his standing room, and he is in no danger of falling down the stairs, but he is annoyed and hammers on the door shouting.
He storms into the kitchen and tells Ds that I tried to 'push him down the stairs'. Ds looks upset (of course!).
Before they leave, Ds says: 'Dad was just trying not to burn the toast'.

Obviously, things cannot continue like this.
I have stayed with H for 'the sake of the kids' but this was a mistake.

But I am poleaxed that Ds would make this sort of comment?

[dementedDementor]

My parents aren't together now and havent been since I was 10 when my dad eventually left, though he carried on tormenting my mum for a good few years after that. My brother is now an adult and still living at home and has basically taken my dad's place as my mum's abuser.

He isn't violent to her but he is a bully, he shouts and breaks things, and contributes nothing financially. And it's awful because there's nothing I can do.

[ClearBlueWater]

H's sister, when she still spoke to me ...

(none of his family do now, they have not phoned / contacted me for over 4 years, it is all text to him and direct with kids now, like we have been divorced for years)

...told me that he married his first wife because he wanted to 'rescue her'.
H told me that 1st wife was 'bonkers'.
She divorced him.
Sister was pleased that he was marrying me because I didn't need 'rescuing'.
He was furious I didn't.
He is the one who needed 'rescuing'
(cant manage the smallest thing without temper and upset - not around me, anyway, but seemingly he can function fine when I am not around?).

I DO need rescuing now though.
My health is shot.
My confidence (never high) is long gone.
I am exhausted.
And the only one who can RESCUE ME is me.
And I am so tired I just want to lay down and never get up.
(I WONT btw, I have kids, so not an option, but that is how I feel)

[Lweji]

You are indeed the only one who can save you, but you can get help.

It is a mistake to think of abused women as weak. They can be very strong, and are damaged by that strength. Because they (we) think we can control the situation, that we can make it better, that we can shield our children.
Recognising that we are powerless in those respects can actually save us.
You have taken the first step, of realisation. Now you plan your exit.
There are agencies that are there to help you. The police if necessary is there to help you.
Do you have anyone you can rely on?

[Jux]

How about calling Women's Aid for some real life support? He is abusing you, and WA are not restricted only to people who are hit. WA can help you by recommending agencies, lawyers etc.

Or try CAB, who also can help you find support with the SEN aspect, as well as with help for you.

Do you have a social worker? Do you get help because of your disability? Your SW can help you with this too.

Start looking at the agencies which are around, and getting some rl help, advice, support.

You can do this.

[ClearBlueWater]

WA previously recommended a lawyer who then wouldn't see me.
Our local WA branch was a bit strange when I last had contact. It may be better now though.
Our local CAB is closed.
I live very very rurally and it would be hard to see a lawyer without it becoming known.
The Police did not help me before and I don't trust them now.
No SW, no.
SEN - no help at school which is why I want to leave anyway.

[whateverloser]

My stbxh was a very jealous man. He hit me in the face in front of our children, saying I always flirted with his friends. My ds, who was about 4 at the time, asked me why I always flirted with daddy's friends. I agree that they try and appease the situation. It took another 12 years for my marriage to end. Please leave now. No good can come from staying with him.

[Lweji]

Could there be other solicitors?

In other areas?

I have previously used this site to look for a specialist solicitor. www.resolution.org.uk/find_a_specialist/

There is also www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-victims/ive-been-affected/domestic-abuse

Keep trying.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"I can cope with anything except my children hating me, ds hating me especially."

I get this. But can you cope with him turning into a carbon copy of your H, who already despises you and quite possibly hates you too? Your DS is learning to despise you, he's learning from your H.

I'm sorry to hear that all the usual authorities have let you down so far, really hope that you can find someone who will help you. Second finding a different solicitor if at all possible (do you know why the first one refused to see you? Does he know your H or something?)

[hattyhatter]

The house is full of poison gas.

The DC (esp DS) are exhibiting symptoms of gas poisoning.

Get them out of the house (or get the source of the gas out of the house) and away from the gas and the symptoms WILL wear off. Honestly

[ClearBlueWater]

Well.
On Friday ds fractured a bone (playing in woods).
Next morning, after a rough night, I asked H if he could get some bread for breakfast from shop (500 yds). (I'd been looking after ds and dd on Fri / Hosp etc so hadn't been to the supermarket);
It was 9am. He said: 'give me 30 mins more in bed, I'm too tired'.
I pulled a face. Ds offered to go. I said: 'kind of you but you need to rest and it's mum and dads' job to sort breakfast'. Ds looked very worried and said he thought I was 'harsh on Dad'.
I later asked him if he ever thought Dad was 'harsh on me' and he said Yes, but I cant say that to him as he'd just go off on one of his rants.
We ended up staying out all day to get away from the atmosphere and to 'give Dad a rest'.
On Sunday, Dad had opened a can of beer by 1pm (not with lunch). He rarely drinks so I'm not quibbling that but he just opened some beer, sat down and put the TV on, as he was 'tired'.
I also came and sat down and asked who was to make lunch / look after kids / do laundry / move the desk in dd's room (as agreed).
He stomped about, threw the can of beer down the sink and said 'if I crash my car out of tiredness tomorrow it'll lbe your fault if I die'.

[Lweji]

Well, there's hoping. :)

More seriously, your ds told you all you need to know.
And your oh as well.

You will be able to find a way out. Have you looked at solicitors and what help is there?

[MorrisZapp]

Your husband is a vile, abusive twat. He won't change. You don't need to give us more examples of his appalling behaviour, you had us at hello.

You need to rally your resources now, and make plans. You could also try to disengage from the bullshit, and just accept that all you will get from this inadequate little twat is anger and abuse, so you're on a hiding to nothing if you expect anything else.

Of course your kids don't side with you, they don't want to place themselves in the firing line. They are suffering every day they live in this frightening home.

Please act. It isn't too late, it is never too late.

[ClearBlueWater]

Morris - I wouldn't expect my kids to 'side' with me - I don't want them to 'side' with either of us.
H is better with them when I am not around I think (I hope!)

My problem is that it has been so long (married 14 years, together 18) that it is SO HARD to keep 'seeing' that it is wrong. I have moments of clarity, then someone needs lunch / a cuddle / a bill to pay and it's gone again.

When ds seems to 'side with' H I find it hard to hold on to reality.
I feel like I need to post something every day, to get feedback, to help me hold onto that reality? But that's just going to annoy people.
I don't have RL support (and I come from a family where I was very much the scapegoat so I have never had anyone who has 'had my back'. Not ever.

We have all been conditioned.

[Lweji]

How is he better with them if they are afraid of him?

[chaosagain]

He's not siding with your H. He's told you what he's doing in his own words - he's trying to avoid his dad going off on a rant again. He's trying to make things better, to diffuse his dad's temper tantrums. And it's not safe for him to say anything negative about your H. And the results of him trying to make things better are that you feel he's siding with your H. That's a real burden for a kid...

[ClearBlueWater]

NO, chaos I DONT feel he is 'siding with his Dad'
As I said, he shouldn't have to even think of siding with anyone.
I just have found it hard, in the face of ds endlessly 'backing up' H, to hold onto what is really happening.

And that is the first time, just last night, he has been able to say why he is doing that. I am so glad he felt able to tell me. It will help give me the strength to get us all out of here. You are right, it is not a burden he should be carrying.

Lweji He is okay with them for short periods if they go out to 'do' something and I am not there - ie trip to park, ride on train, cinema.
Then they don't get him badgering me and the awful atmosphere.
Would I want to leave them with him for the weekend? No.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I love my children and I take good care of them.
Their father is an unhappy man but that is directed at me, not them"

No, he directs this at you and by turn your children as well. They are learning all about relationships from the two of you, what are they being taught here. You cannot fully protect them from the realities of your Hs abuse of you.

No-one in your own family of origin ever bothered to show you what a mutually satisfying and emotionally healthy relationship is like. I am certain too you were targeted by your H precisely because of their overall influence as well.

The only way forward for you as a family unit is for you and this man to divorce asap.

[BertieBotts]

You don't want to leave them with him for a weekend, but you're happy to leave them with him for their whole lives, watching him abuse you?

I appreciate that the weekend contact isn't a nice thought but it IS the lesser of two evils. And you'll be providing a safe, conflict free home base for them so they can see the contrast. There is so much of a better chance of them developing healthy relationship templates if you split.

[ClearBlueWater]

Bertie - that's why I've stayed so long, I think.

I don't want him to have them for the weekend (I don't think he would? He wont be able to afford a separate place if we split so will stay with a friend, long term, and plans to visit wherever we are, at weekends)

If I am always here, then I know they are fed, listened to, hugged etc.

[ClearBlueWater]

Ds had his fall around 7.30pm.
He was tearful and shaky.
Took him home, gave him some ibuprofen.
He asked to go to bed and I settled him and kept a weather eye.
There was nothing to suggest a fracture.
In the morning he was still sore, so took him to GP who said: 'hard to tell but best go up to A&E' and then they said: 'hard to tell but have Xray' and they said: 'small buckle fracture'.
I txted H to let him know and got:
'oh, I nearly vomited when you told me, this is so stressful, I feel ill'.
Dickhead.

[Lweji]

I think you need to get as much evidence as possible of how he is at home with you and with the children. One place to start is with the GP, then the school.
You could then move to looking at restricted supervised contact, preferably at a contact centre.
It will need some strategy, but your children deserve a peaceful home life and a happy childhood.

[Isetan]

Right now your immediate fear of being 'hated' by your DS, is taking priority over his long term emotional well being. You can not hope to change your choices if you do not acknowledge why you make them, 'staying for the kids', is an excuse and not a reason.

[ClearBlueWater]

Isetan

I agree with your first sentence.
And the first part of your second.
But I am not 'making excuses'.
I am being honest and trying to seek support as I have none in RL.

[BertieBotts]

If he won't even have them for a weekend, then you're holding onto a crutch because it excuses you from acting :(

I do understand the fear, and the belief that while you're around you can shield them somewhat, but the reality is that you're never shielding them as much as you think, and that while it would be best for them to experience 0 abuse, it's better for them to experience an abusive parent 2 days out of 7 (likely it would be 2 days out of 14, anyway) than seven days of the week.

Secondly most abused women labour under the illusion that he is not harming the children. So this would be the case away from you. You have said that they have a nice time with them, so there is actually no reason to expect that he would be horrible just because it's longer.

Third, if he is actually abusive toward them, you can block contact - there are avenues to do this.

Fourthly a huge amount of abusive men don't bother to keep up contact, especially if you refuse to fight with them about it because it's not actually about the children for them, it's about getting at you.

If he's unwilling to look after them for long periods now, it's unlikely he's going to want to look after them for entire weekends - he'll more likely take them off for shorter outings.

I appreciate it doesn't feel as clear cut when you're right there.