Why would Ds say this?

[ClearBlueWater]

My marriage isn't good, and that isn't new.
I am disabled and our intimate life has dwindled (I find it painful).
H is very unkind to me and I hate being intimate with him due to this too.
He says I am a 'shit wife, who's only use is I can cook'.

Here is a small example.
Today, H wants to go on a train. The trip is for him, but he wants the kids there to be with him and to take pics to send his family to show what a 'good dad' he is. (He will 'fuss them' in front of other people and ignore them at home, and has always been this way)
Only one particular train will do (cant be the next train, has to be that one).
He wants to take the kids, so I get to stay home (we have a new and difficult dog who doesn't cope with being left alone atm).
Dd is not really keen on trip so H says she can have sweeties when she gets there. She wants to buy me some to bring back.
Just before leaving, Dd starts fussing about a particular purse she cant find. If we stop and search they will miss that particular train and H will be in a bad mood. I wont be there, and I am worried he will make life miserable for the kids by grumping on and on.
I tell her: 'don't worry about your purse, Dad will have spare sweetie money'.
I go into the kitchen and tell H: 'Dd is fussing about a purse. there isn't time to find it. I've told her you have spare pennies for sweeties'.
He starts ranting: 'I cant look for it, NOW I will burn the toast'.
I say: 'Oh you have misunderstood me - you don't need to find it, just reassure Dd'. He then rants on about toast etc etc etc again and starts using the F word in front of Ds, ('you fucking stupid cow') quickly becoming verbally aggressive at my perceived criticism of him. He leaves room.
I go into the hallway and explain that I was just trying to pass on helpful info re Dd and tell him to stop swearing. He is standing in a doorway at the top of a flight of stairs. He lunges at me and I move away quickly and I shut the door to stop him lunging again. It is not enough to alter his standing room, and he is in no danger of falling down the stairs, but he is annoyed and hammers on the door shouting.
He storms into the kitchen and tells Ds that I tried to 'push him down the stairs'. Ds looks upset (of course!).
Before they leave, Ds says: 'Dad was just trying not to burn the toast'.

Obviously, things cannot continue like this.
I have stayed with H for 'the sake of the kids' but this was a mistake.

But I am poleaxed that Ds would make this sort of comment?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

You really really really need to talk to WA and a solicitor.

Of course there are ways to get away from an abusive situation, and to get housing without your arsehole H standing guarantor. Absolutely no way should he be on your tenancy either; and once you have your own space, then there is no way he should be allowed to stay in YOUR home.

I know it all seems insurmountable at the moment, but it really isn't - but you need to start the ball rolling by talking to the necessary agencies so you can start getting the help you need.

- it can be done.

[ClearBlueWater]

A new school would be preferable too as ds is dyslexia and being given no help. Bullied too. Dd is miserable there - it's just an AWFUL school.

I'm not sure how I can not 'let him stay'.
He will have to be on a tenancy / stand guarantor - there is no-one else.
I nearly got away last summer but he refused to guranatee at the last minute.

[Jux]

Phone WA, check things out with them.

[Jux]

We moved from London to Devon. Massive upheaval for me, dh and dd (6 at the time). My mum came to live with us too. New school, new people, new house, new living arrangements. DD was fine - maybe a little insecure about having her own room (we'd lived in a van for months and months before).

Your children will be fine.

Get a place with no spare room. Then he can't stay. He can expect anything, but will not have the right.

Be firm about it. Give no quarter.

[cestlavielife]

They are probably mierable at school because home life is miserable.
Either ways a new start ia preferable. Use the school and ypur need to move as a reason.
You don't have to let him stay in new house. In fact don't. The worst you can do is start letting him stay. I did let exp visit at new place and it was a huge mistake. Moving is a chance to set new boundaries. Better they have a place of peace and calm and have set times with dad. Get advice locally. Talk to a counsellor. Talk to a lawyer for legal bits.

[Lweji]

BUT that is a massive upheaval for them.
It might actually be welcome.

Lots of children have to move to different towns and even countries. Upheavals happen.

You should consider the end result. Is it worth that they get a home where they can speak out? Where everyone is at peace?

[BertieBotts]

I don't think you are lazy, I think you are brave. The truth is it takes an incredible amount of strength to even get where you are, to the questioning part.

Leaving is hard. It's really hard and the easier option is to stay. So if we see some kind of justification for staying, it's a natural human instinct to grasp onto that, like you're falling. It is like falling but you have to trust that the ground is not that far away and that you can land safely.

I said that I do understand this feeling that you have to be around to mitigate it, because I was also experiencing that feeling with my DS when he was little. I was terrified of leaving him with his dad and I couldn't consider not being around when I did - it was when XP hurt him repeatedly despite me being there (and he was just a baby :( ) that I actually woke up and realised that me being there was not magically protecting him at all. So I left, and yes I had to hand DS over for unsupervised contact and I hated it, and I still don't know what was happening during those visits because DS was not old enough to tell me what he had experienced at the time. But six years later after leaving, XP hasn't even bothered to see DS for four years, so it ended up being a total non issue. Of course that is just my experience but others have had contact continue and still felt that it was better overall for the DC. You could start a thread asking for experiences of this, either on Relationships or Lone Parents, if you want a cross section of experiences.

I do understand that at the moment your (you + DC) life is sort of "better the devil you know" - stepping into the life where you live apart and he sees them without you is unknown and that makes it feel more dangerous, but it is not.

You could let him stay if you want to, though I would recommend that you don't. Perhaps you yourself could leave the house at the times he wishes to have contact. In any case, this is letting the details of something which might not even happen affect your ability to make a decision right now which is a classic case of putting obstacles in your own way to avoid having to look at the issue.

If you want to move house in order to move schools then that's something you would have done with or without him - so upheaval, yes but a beneficial one. Try to see separation in the same way. We tend to hang onto some old notions of guilt or responsibility for the success of a relationship as women and it's unhelpful in the long run to do this.

I do understand that it takes time and especially when you have mobility issues, you have to take that into account but don't stall and stall, make a decision and move towards it even if it is small steps at a time.

I think that you are making excuses to yourself because it is hard and scary to leave, and I do TOTALLY understand why that happens. I have been there myself but this is the tough love kind of pep talk. It is always better to leave. Forgive yourself for not doing it earlier - it's hard! But don't hold on until your DS is a teenager if you don't want to lose him.

[Twinklestein]

Moving house and changing school may feel like an 'upheaval' but if the children end up happier and more secure it's well worth it.

We had to move to Paris for a while for my husband's job, so the children changed countries as well a changing school, and they've been completely fine, it's an adventure for them.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Lovely lady - you are stuck in an awful place. You are miserable, your children are miserable, and your biggest fear is Change, in case it makes all of you MORE miserable.

This is highly unlikely. Your beautiful DS has told you, in no uncertain terms, that he is attempting to mitigate the situation with your H by placating him, appearing to agree with him, so that he doesn't kick off. He can not be honest with your H because he knows if he is, then your H will go ballistic. He CAN be honest with you because he knows you won't.

You can move. He can NOT come and stay at your house, because he will just continue to abuse you, and your children will be plunged back into the same situation that they are currently in - and once they've had a taste of "free living" they're not going to want to go back to eggshell land.

You said this:
" I think I have to stick it out so that I am always around to mitigate his negativity?"
Bollocks. Sorry, but it is. This thinking is twisted - what it means is you'd rather let your children have full time half-shit, half-normal, rather than full time normal with the occasional shit thrown in. No. Full time half-shit is relentless - there is no escape from it. Give them the chance to have a life free of shit - please. Leave. Get away from the shit; even if they choose to see him, they will soon realise that it IS shit and they don't need that in their life, or at least not full time.

I know that your thinking has been fully messed up and that you don't honestly know what is best for your DC - but staying with shitbag, I can guarantee you, is NOT the answer.

((((Hugs)))) - you need them - and you need to see a solicitor and get away. You can do it - you just need to understand that it will be an improvement if you do.

[ClearBlueWater]

Well, I am holding onto a crutch. Two in fact as I have limited mobility.
But my H is not a crutch?
I don't understand.
'Making excuses' sounds like you think I am being lazy/putting myself first? I'm not - I hate him, I have only stayed because - having failed to leave when they were little I think I have to stick it out so that I am always around to mitigate his negativity?
I am just trying to explain what life is like as I understand it.

I wont be able to stay in the current house (due to mobility issues)
I would like to move anyway as the kids are miserable at their school.
BUT that is a massive upheaval for them.
He is quite happy with this ('you could move to Timbuctoo for all I care')
But he will want to come down sometimes to see them and will expect to stay etc. They will want him to. And I will be the 'bad person' in their eyes for not letting him. I don't want anything to 'go wrong' between them and me.

[Lweji]

Fully agree with Bertie.

[BertieBotts]

If he won't even have them for a weekend, then you're holding onto a crutch because it excuses you from acting :(

I do understand the fear, and the belief that while you're around you can shield them somewhat, but the reality is that you're never shielding them as much as you think, and that while it would be best for them to experience 0 abuse, it's better for them to experience an abusive parent 2 days out of 7 (likely it would be 2 days out of 14, anyway) than seven days of the week.

Secondly most abused women labour under the illusion that he is not harming the children. So this would be the case away from you. You have said that they have a nice time with them, so there is actually no reason to expect that he would be horrible just because it's longer.

Third, if he is actually abusive toward them, you can block contact - there are avenues to do this.

Fourthly a huge amount of abusive men don't bother to keep up contact, especially if you refuse to fight with them about it because it's not actually about the children for them, it's about getting at you.

If he's unwilling to look after them for long periods now, it's unlikely he's going to want to look after them for entire weekends - he'll more likely take them off for shorter outings.

I appreciate it doesn't feel as clear cut when you're right there.

[ClearBlueWater]

Isetan

I agree with your first sentence.
And the first part of your second.
But I am not 'making excuses'.
I am being honest and trying to seek support as I have none in RL.

[Isetan]

Right now your immediate fear of being 'hated' by your DS, is taking priority over his long term emotional well being. You can not hope to change your choices if you do not acknowledge why you make them, 'staying for the kids', is an excuse and not a reason.

[Lweji]

I think you need to get as much evidence as possible of how he is at home with you and with the children. One place to start is with the GP, then the school.
You could then move to looking at restricted supervised contact, preferably at a contact centre.
It will need some strategy, but your children deserve a peaceful home life and a happy childhood.

[ClearBlueWater]

Ds had his fall around 7.30pm.
He was tearful and shaky.
Took him home, gave him some ibuprofen.
He asked to go to bed and I settled him and kept a weather eye.
There was nothing to suggest a fracture.
In the morning he was still sore, so took him to GP who said: 'hard to tell but best go up to A&E' and then they said: 'hard to tell but have Xray' and they said: 'small buckle fracture'.
I txted H to let him know and got:
'oh, I nearly vomited when you told me, this is so stressful, I feel ill'.
Dickhead.

[ClearBlueWater]

Bertie - that's why I've stayed so long, I think.

I don't want him to have them for the weekend (I don't think he would? He wont be able to afford a separate place if we split so will stay with a friend, long term, and plans to visit wherever we are, at weekends)

If I am always here, then I know they are fed, listened to, hugged etc.

[BertieBotts]

You don't want to leave them with him for a weekend, but you're happy to leave them with him for their whole lives, watching him abuse you?

I appreciate that the weekend contact isn't a nice thought but it IS the lesser of two evils. And you'll be providing a safe, conflict free home base for them so they can see the contrast. There is so much of a better chance of them developing healthy relationship templates if you split.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I love my children and I take good care of them.
Their father is an unhappy man but that is directed at me, not them"

No, he directs this at you and by turn your children as well. They are learning all about relationships from the two of you, what are they being taught here. You cannot fully protect them from the realities of your Hs abuse of you.

No-one in your own family of origin ever bothered to show you what a mutually satisfying and emotionally healthy relationship is like. I am certain too you were targeted by your H precisely because of their overall influence as well.

The only way forward for you as a family unit is for you and this man to divorce asap.

[ClearBlueWater]

NO, chaos I DONT feel he is 'siding with his Dad'
As I said, he shouldn't have to even think of siding with anyone.
I just have found it hard, in the face of ds endlessly 'backing up' H, to hold onto what is really happening.

And that is the first time, just last night, he has been able to say why he is doing that. I am so glad he felt able to tell me. It will help give me the strength to get us all out of here. You are right, it is not a burden he should be carrying.

Lweji He is okay with them for short periods if they go out to 'do' something and I am not there - ie trip to park, ride on train, cinema.
Then they don't get him badgering me and the awful atmosphere.
Would I want to leave them with him for the weekend? No.

[chaosagain]

He's not siding with your H. He's told you what he's doing in his own words - he's trying to avoid his dad going off on a rant again. He's trying to make things better, to diffuse his dad's temper tantrums. And it's not safe for him to say anything negative about your H. And the results of him trying to make things better are that you feel he's siding with your H. That's a real burden for a kid...

[Lweji]

How is he better with them if they are afraid of him?

[ClearBlueWater]

Morris - I wouldn't expect my kids to 'side' with me - I don't want them to 'side' with either of us.
H is better with them when I am not around I think (I hope!)

My problem is that it has been so long (married 14 years, together 18) that it is SO HARD to keep 'seeing' that it is wrong. I have moments of clarity, then someone needs lunch / a cuddle / a bill to pay and it's gone again.

When ds seems to 'side with' H I find it hard to hold on to reality.
I feel like I need to post something every day, to get feedback, to help me hold onto that reality? But that's just going to annoy people.
I don't have RL support (and I come from a family where I was very much the scapegoat so I have never had anyone who has 'had my back'. Not ever.

We have all been conditioned.

[MorrisZapp]

Your husband is a vile, abusive twat. He won't change. You don't need to give us more examples of his appalling behaviour, you had us at hello.

You need to rally your resources now, and make plans. You could also try to disengage from the bullshit, and just accept that all you will get from this inadequate little twat is anger and abuse, so you're on a hiding to nothing if you expect anything else.

Of course your kids don't side with you, they don't want to place themselves in the firing line. They are suffering every day they live in this frightening home.

Please act. It isn't too late, it is never too late.

[Lweji]

Well, there's hoping. :)

More seriously, your ds told you all you need to know.
And your oh as well.

You will be able to find a way out. Have you looked at solicitors and what help is there?