Great relationship, no strife or grief, yet he's still not divorced. Deal breaker?

[goodcompany2]

Everything going wonderfully with BF. Been about 15 months dating, a year dating exclusively and meaningfully. Holidayed together alone and with kids. No horrible behaviour, no tantrums, no boredom, still think he's my favourite person to hang out with, chat to, socialise with, holiday with, sleep with...you get the picture.

I am absolutely his 'girlfriend', he prioritises me and our time together although kids come first for both of us obviously, he's there when I need help, met his family, kids, even been away with with one of them. I don't feel insecure, unloved, taken for granted or fed up in any way. I love him to bits and can't imagine feeling this happy with anyone else and have never had such a healthy, drama free, respectful relationship. Never been so happy.

Only thing I hate is that he is still married to his wife although they have lived apart for 8 years, 2.5 years of which he lived with a previous girlfriend. I don't have any worries they will reunite at all. It just feels wrong that I am dating a married, albeit very separated, man. Thinks it's partly his apathy and aversion to paying the high solicitors' fees that he hasn't sorted it. Ex wife seems completely same. Not bothered about doing it either.

Think it will come down to me saying divorce by new year or jog on. Don't want to lose him by forcing his hand but don't want to be the OW. Sad. AIBU?

It would be a Dealbreaker for me. But probably not most people.

You're hardly an OW if they have been separated 8 years
I think you're being silly personally but I don't find the idea of being married to be sacrosanct if both parties are no longer in a relationship.
If you want to marry him at some point then that's the time to make your wishes clear.

You're not the OW but I do see why you are uncomfortable. Despite them.being separated for so long, he is still actually married.

It all sounds a bit lazy really. I think this would be a good time to have that conversation with him. Whether a concrete ultimatum is necessary is up to you. But I would certainly want to know what the long term plan is.

I would also wonder if exgf got tired of waiting.

Hi thanks. Ex girlfriend did make it an issue of it but there were many other problems in their relationship too. She was a volatile type whereas he is Mr Placid and confrontation avoidant. I know this first from mutual friends and colleagues.

Ironically it's not that I want to marry him but who knows in many years when kids leave I may. Would be at least 5 years away minimum. We don't live together and neither of us want to live together as what we have suits us both. Lots of time in each other's home but independence and autonomy too. Having had a EA and FA marriage, I am in no rush to give up any freedoms I have or to have any man full time in my kids' lives.

It sounds like you think it should be a problem. But in reality, is it affecting your relationship, your day to day lives, your plans for the future?

If not, I certainly wouldn't make it a deal breaker just for the sake of the principle of it.

If it is affecting you, then perhaps it's time to have a conversation about his intentions and your expectations.

I don't understand why it is a problem until you intend to get married yourselves?

I am still married to my ex husband but I don't see the woman he lives with as the other woman. To all intents and purposes I am his ex wife and she is his girlfriend.

I certainly won't be spending money getting divorced when it makes not a bit of difference to my life and I dare say he feels the same.

No it hasn't affected me until recently. His daughter needed something and he was busy so I offered to do it which meant popping to her home which she shares with her Mum. I get on well with daughter and had spent the previous four day on holiday with her. No biggie, until I realised that so far I have not met her Mum and then it hit me that as well as her being the Mum she is BF's wife!

I honestly felt too embarrassed to do it. I explained why my offer of help was now a source of angst and BF organised an alternative solution. He apologised and said it was just his own laziness re the divorce and his natural ability to procrastinate about officious stuff.

By all accounts wife is lovely and in no way likely to give me a hard time. It's just embarrassing all round for her and for me.

Well I've been in your situation but been together longer. I gave the ultimatum you are considering. He got right onto it :)

No need for high solicitors fees if they have an amicable divorce.

I would ensure if you live together everything is nailed down legally and financially as I don't know what rights you would have as a girlfriend compared to a legal wife over any mutual or even assets he buys whole with you if anything happens to him.

How expensive would it be, given the fact that they've lived separately for so long? or is it more the diminishing of assets?

For me this would be a deal breaker. My DH was in the process of divorcing when we met and that made me reluctant to get involved, even though his ex was already living the OM.

They have discussed the financial side of things. House is in wife's name, she doesn't want part of his small pension, the divorce was started about 18 months ago but neither of them seem arsed to find and complete the paperwork. Will cost about another £1k in fees he thinks. Neither are very financially well off or materialistic at all.

Seems trivial really but just sits uncomfortably with me. He rents and I have own home with small mortgage. Happy with status quo with the exception of this one issue!

I got divorced online. Can't remember the cost but it was about £100, maximum.

There are advantages to them staying married if neither wants to marry someone else. They will benefit from each other's pensions if either dies while they're still married, for one thing.

A divorce costs £400, don't need a solicitor, just one of them fill in forms and send them off and the other responds. Can they split the cost?

My parents have been separated for more than 10 both have new partners and barely speak, though there is no animosity. They haven't bothered to divorce. They have a large number of assets which would be a pain to divide, so haven't bothered.

I would tell him now that it was time to sort the divorce out. Surely he can understand that you don't like dating someone who has a wife? If he resists then there's your red flag. He can't make it about money because it just doesn't have to cost that much. In any case, is he prepared to lose you for the sake a few hundred quid.

You need the conversation that ends with a resolution and an actual plan of action that is followed through.

It costs very little if you do it yourself. My friend has just done hers - £145,for the court fee and £10 for absolute. All forms available on line.

She's not bothered enough to instigate it and is on a very low wage. He wouldn't ask her to, particularly as he left her. He'd probably welcome me sorting it for him as I have the experience of doing my own but that feels weird!

Will tell him again about my point of view but feel this should come from him. Not my place to arrange his divorce. If I bring it up and he does nothing then it becomes me nagging which is yuck.

Just want him unencumbered by a wife, should be a simple given in my book.

He's very hands on with supporting her as mother of his kids, car fixing, occasional DIY help, parenting stuff etc. I have no issues with that and admire that he recognises that single parenting is tough so should step up if she's in a fix that impacts on his kids. She has never dated since they split and shows no intention of starting to.

Honestly being on the other side I would be gutted if it was a deal breaker. Both me and my partner are not divorced from our respective exes, his because its complicated kids and money wise and he is skint and mine because frankly I've just been lazy and haven't done it. Means nothing as far as we're both concerned they are very much our exes. Obviously we decides to get married then yes we would but monies been tight so its not a priority. It's no biggie and no reflection on my current relationship.

Audweb81 Thanks. Maybe a mountain out of a molehill. Think I'm more old fashioned than I realised. [smile}

Fairenuff think this sums it up for me. Not looking for marriage as happy as we are but don't want someone else's hubbie!

iamanintrovert hope he does as your man did and get right onto it. don't want it to become an issue.

Guess I am flummoxed as to how anyone can think it's ok to stay in a legal contract of finances/next of kin etc with a different woman to the one they are in a committed sexual and romantic relationship with? If they want to provide for their ex/kids in event of their death they can still do that very easily outside of marriage. Just takes a bit of planning and effort.

Imagine the situation if he was hospitalised etc? Asking his wife to authorise my access to info.

Exactly OP. I think it's quite reasonable to want him to get divorced, especially as it sounds like he's just not been arsed rather than having good reasons to prefer remaining married. There is a symbolism, some people find it important and some don't, and both are valid viewpoints. But on practical terms, being married to someone, even when separated, potentially still does give both partners legal and financial rights where the other is concerned. You're reliant on the spouse not choosing to be a dick, even when everyone's on good terms. The cheapest way to terminate these rights is likely to be a divorce. Obviously if either or both has some reason they want to hold onto these, pensions for example, it might be different. But certainly, if I were in this relationship I'd at a minimum ensure finances were kept very separate.

I don't think this is a red flag, your not the ow. You've been on holiday with his dc. You say don't want a live in relationship atm but maybe that's why your feeling insecure that he's still separated. On any legal form he wouldn't say married he would class himself as separated surely? When he does get divorced it'll be divorced instead of separated.

How do you know the ex wife hasn't got any plans to start dating? Maybe she keeps her private life private and doesn't want to introduce a new man into the mix yet and her dating life isn't anything to do with her ex husband let alone you.

After we had been dating about hmm one year and a half, BF said, look, I've very uncomfortable that you haven't got a divorce yet.

So I did. I think its a courtesy thing really.

Oh my word, you're surely not going to throw away an amazing relationship over this are you? Don't be silly!! Express your view that you'd prefer it if he was divorced then leave it to him. It's only an issue if you two want to get married. It's only an issue if you let it grow into one in your head.
He makes you feel loved, wanted, secure. That's all you need to know. A lot of people would kill for that

If things are amicable and they've been apart for 8 years then divorce-wise it sounds very easy and cheap to sort, they can go for 5 year separation with no blame/reasons required.

I totally get why you don't want to be with somebody else's "husband", when I got into my first serious relationship post break-up I got divorced earlier than I originally intended because I didn't feel comfortable legally being somebody else's wife. I'd probably have felt differently if my new OH had still been technically married too because then our statuses would have been equal. That's not the case in your situation.