Great relationship, no strife or grief, yet he's still not divorced. Deal breaker?

[goodcompany2]

Everything going wonderfully with BF. Been about 15 months dating, a year dating exclusively and meaningfully. Holidayed together alone and with kids. No horrible behaviour, no tantrums, no boredom, still think he's my favourite person to hang out with, chat to, socialise with, holiday with, sleep with...you get the picture.

I am absolutely his 'girlfriend', he prioritises me and our time together although kids come first for both of us obviously, he's there when I need help, met his family, kids, even been away with with one of them. I don't feel insecure, unloved, taken for granted or fed up in any way. I love him to bits and can't imagine feeling this happy with anyone else and have never had such a healthy, drama free, respectful relationship. Never been so happy.

Only thing I hate is that he is still married to his wife although they have lived apart for 8 years, 2.5 years of which he lived with a previous girlfriend. I don't have any worries they will reunite at all. It just feels wrong that I am dating a married, albeit very separated, man. Thinks it's partly his apathy and aversion to paying the high solicitors' fees that he hasn't sorted it. Ex wife seems completely same. Not bothered about doing it either.

Think it will come down to me saying divorce by new year or jog on. Don't want to lose him by forcing his hand but don't want to be the OW. Sad. AIBU?

thehypocritesoaf courtesy thing probably sums it up. I had problems with boundaries and respect in previous relationships and don't want to be anything less than respected now. I don't want to feel too embarrassed to bump into her.

BrandNewAndImproved don't feel insecure and love doing the dating thing so moving in is not on my agenda or his. We work closely together professionally it would be altogether too much time together! I know about wife's private life because we live in a small place. Not prying. He would love her to date again.

Legally separated doesn't mean a thing except in the case of a contested divorce; married is the status until divorced is my understanding. May be wrong, often am!! LOL.

Being separated can be relevant for things like tax credits claims. They'd both be expected to claim with a new cohabiting partner rather than a separated spouse. But if eg he died intestate, she'd still have the same rights as she would when they still lived together. You'd also want to check out pension and insurance beneficiaries too. There are a number of situations where you're either married or you're not.

It does sound like he'd probably be willing to do it if you pointed out how cheap and easy it'd be and how important it is to you.

Married is the status until divorced, yes.
I am separated 2.5 years, still married. There is a point about being divorced being about letting go. Maybe that is why it sits uneasily with you. There is an emotional door not closed. He may not see it like that at all, but I wonder if you do?

People saying it doesn't make any difference are being very naive. Legally they are still each other's next of kin and if one died intestate, the other would inherit everything. So they need to stop being lazy and get a divorce. PPs have said it doesn't have to be complicated and you can do it for a few hundred quid which is surely worth it to be completely free of each other.
If it was me I would give an ultimatum. Yes it would be silly to end the relationship over this. So surely if you are important to him, he will respect your wishes and do the right thing.

I think it is a big deal actually.

(I was just terribly lazy/terrible with paperwork)

Make it clear to him that you are uncomfortable living with/being with a married man. Tell him the implications of that can be huge. I bet that will be the kick he needs.

If not, then you need to ask what's going on.

Not necessarily a deal breaker per se, but it would worry me if I told him it made me uncomfortable and he wouldn't act on it.

I would feel weird meeting my DP's 'wife'. If it really is just a minor thing he hasn't got round to, there's no reason for him not to do it now. Other people might not care, but you do, so why wouldn't he do it?

And also the legal / next of kin points people have made.

I would also want to know whether it's just laziness or whether deep down he's not ready to let go of the relationship or the idea they might get back together one day. He might think he's completely over it but maybe when it comes to the idea of signing the paperwork, something is holding him back? That's what would bother me in your position.

The intestacy point is only relevant if there's anything to inherit.

I think it would be an overreaction to end the relationship over this but I appreciate that it would feel tidier and more final if he sorted out his divorce.

LVT thanks. he doesn't get involved with tax credits, child benefits etc. He does pay child support under a private agreement. She is definitely his beneficiary for all pensions, life ins etc. If she weren't then I hope post divorce it would be his kids, one's an adult and one soon will be. That seems right and proper.

RomiiRoo Think you hit the nail on the head. The emotional door is not closed nor the practical one. She's very close to his family and plays a bigger part in his ageing parents' lives than his sisters and her status is still very much their daughter in law and their children are very much part of the grandparents' lives too on a day to day basis.

I have no wish to even begin to be a regular in their lives. Promise. No jealousy there at all. His parents have too much drama and flakiness, BF and the wife have the patience of saints in that department and my complete admiration for maintaining family relationships in spite of nasty outbursts and poor behaviour from GP's

Will sit him down next week and explain how it makes me feel. Can't see it being an ultimatum but it will niggle at me.

"The intestacy point is only relevant if there's anything to inherit."

There is always something even if it's just personal items, which are probably the most precious things after a loved one has died.

Can you imagine if you had bought him a gift like a watch he wore every day and his ex wife (technically current wife) inherited it?!

" The emotional door is not closed nor the practical one. She's very close to his family and plays a bigger part in his ageing parents' lives than his sisters and her status is still very much their daughter in law "

I suppose they will always have some kind of relationship if she is the mother of their grandchildren, but this is a bit weird. Do you think there might be some level of denial (on some or all sides) that the relationship has ended and she isn't a member of the family in the same way any more? If they got divorced, she wouldn't be the DIL any more. Does he worry about his parents' reaction if they finalise the divorce?

Does he know that he is committing adultery by being married but in a relationship with you?

No I didn't either until exh divorced me on grounds of adultery three years after he left. I had been faithful to him for twenty years. He could not bear the fact that I met someone a year after he left.

So if I were you, I would prefer him to start the divorce process.

AE his parents are quite horrible to him especially given the amount of support and practical help he gives them. He is the doormat in the family. Last time I was there I was squirming with the way they belittled him. They tried to get me to join in the 'teasing'; I was so taken aback I didn't do much apart from look like a goldfish out of water! The dynamic is toxic. He is resigned to it and says he will continue to do his duty but avoids general contact with them where possible. His wife however has generally been praised and preferred to him. That was until last week when his father was aggressive, abusive and plain nasty to her. BF and I talked about it, he then went straight to hers to change her locks as she felt unsafe being as his father has key!

Coolforthesummer Being cited as the OW on a divorce paper? Now there's another great reason to set my boundaries!!! I would be gutted.

You've been together 15 months, that's not long. It may be a lot of money to him, even doing it online. I think you're sounding insecure here. Lots of people leave getting divorced, like other posters here, and they are talking years. Are you sure there's nothing underlying here that's worrying you? Think you're being unreasonable giving him an ultimatum so soon.

Not sure where some of you are getting your info from regarding divorce costs. The standard fee to start divorce proceedings (and this does not vary from court to court, it is set by central goverment) is £410. You may be able to get help with this if.you are in receipt of particular benefits.

Disagree. It is a long time. We are close colleagues (close to 3 years) who also date. We spend in excess of 40 hours at work together plus a week night and half a weekend together.

If he's not ready to divorce after 8 years then when? I'm late forties and he's older. If he wants to stay married to her for the rest of his life then he isn't the man for me and I will, regrettably, move on.

The man I know who didn't divorce for years was a) tight, b) lazy and c) still trying to cling on to exw in the vain hope they would get back together.

She divorced him eventually when she wanted to remarry.

Not tight - doesn't save though. Any extra he has is usually used to treat me or kids. I want him to be more careful with money as that's my nature.

Lazy - yep! when it comes to paperwork, more into practical tasks, a wonderful procrastinator though (as am I).

Cling to exw - definitely not. Theirs wasn't a successful marriage and no great physical side either. His libido is high and they were a mismatch. I'm as highly sexed as him.

Hi again,
Thinking on it, I knew someone else who didn't get divorced and his view was that if his ex wanted to divorce, she could pay for it. Which she eventually did when she wanted to get married.
I think you need to ask him, to be honest, if you have a good relationship, then you should be able to discuss it.
To be honest, money is relative - we spent a lot of money thrashing out details legally, he stalled a lot, then I got fed up with trying - so a different situation; also neither of us dated anyone else. But at some point, I became aware that progressing the divorce - aside from being money I could better spend - was giving things a finality I was less than sure about.
I am not saying your DP thinks that - the situations are different - but only he can reassure you about/sort out the situation. He may well think that 15 months is too soon and it will put pressure on you to marry when you say you are happy with the status quo - you don't know unless you ask him

Sorry if that does not make sense - I am very tired today!

15 months is nothing. I wouldn't even consider this an issue if my relationship was happy. It would only matter to me if I wanted to marry the man.
But I guess everyone's different. I certainly wouldn't lose a loving relationship over it

RR thanks, did make sense.

Update - told him how I felt uncomfortable with it and he listened, said he understood, asked me to bear with him and he would deal with it.

Hopefully that's it done now. I made my point clear and he said he understood.

Over to him now.

Ah well done- you did good.

This is nothing less than control. You don't want to spend money. But I guarantee you that you are selfishly refusing to think about how much that other woman wants you in HER home with her boyfriend and partner. I'm sorry, but you have a screw lose. Get out of their home and get your own.