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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cancelling wedding due to family fall outs etc

82 replies

Ilikethefanta · 28/08/2015 19:04

Have name changed.
This is part relationships and partly how I'm feeling so please bear with me.
Been with oh over ten years have dd and another on way. Decided to get married now while pregnant to avoid having to have big thing but we still get to formalise everything.
We initially wanted parents only but my mum kicked off though my sis and dn should be invited- we caved and invited them.
Since then mil has gone nuclear about oh not invited his sis who he's been nc with for over a year due to her being aggressive.
Mil said some awful things to me and I've been in tears the last couple days with all the stress. She said she didn't want to be at the wedding and didn't want any of her side there.
We spoke to my parents and they said for the sake of no arguments just go off on your own and get married so we told mil that no one was invited.
I think now ill cancel the while thing or postpone until next year.
I'm still feeling ill with stress of the arguments.
My oh is now more angry with his mum and wants us to go ahead with only my parents there instead- I think this will cause more issues for me further down the line- mil thinks the sister not being invited was entirely my doing (not true).
We just wanted to finally get married no fuss but its caused chaos :(
If I cancel it will be hard my best friend gets married 2 weeks later so will still have weddings on my mind.
I've sent mum dress back and cancelled meal etc already but kept the reg office date- my oh just wants to do whatever will be least stressful he's worried how all this upset is affecting pregnancy and also my dd is noticing mummy is upset too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikethefanta · 28/08/2015 19:06

I posted a couple of weeks ago re: my mum wanting dn there so if you recognise me please don't out my usual mn nn thanks

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/08/2015 19:07

I would postpone this wedding. Tell them all its cancelled. Book another date. Tell no one. Get married. Wait several months and announce it quietly.

Thebookswereherfriends · 28/08/2015 19:08

You've still got the reg. office booked, find a couple of friends who can be witnesses and get it done. Sod the family - they're angry anyway now, so it doesn't matter if you invite them or not. Maybe you could have a nice meal with your Mum etc. later on.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 28/08/2015 19:11

I would be tempted to go through with it IF you don't think people will turn up on the off chance you're there (if you see what I mean). Otherwise I'd move the date and tell no-one until it's a done deal.

PotteringAlong · 28/08/2015 19:11

If you're doing if just to formalise things then sod them all and do it anyway.

Hassled · 28/08/2015 19:11

I think you should just go for it - you, your DP, your DD and a couple of friends to witness it. Then go out and have a lovely meal. Postponing won't make the issues go away - the issues will all still be there whenever you try again. So just ignore the lot of them and have a good time - they'll cope.

Original poster
Ilikethefanta · 28/08/2015 19:17

That's what I'm worried about hassled that we'll still have same problem next year, year after etc. my parents are seething quietly though they've said it's fine and want me to go ahead but my mother has said she'll never forgive mil for taking away her chance to be there on the day. :(

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 19:21

but my mother has said she'll never forgive mil for taking away her chance to be there on the day.

but your mum started it in the first place by demanding your sister was there!

Original poster
Ilikethefanta · 28/08/2015 19:30

I've not explained very well my mum said she thought my sis who I'm close to should be there but understood if I didn't ask her whereas mil point blank refused to come of we didn't invite sil who we haven't spoken to in over a year.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 19:32

Sorry, you said she 'kicked off'. I still think that's probably what's made your MIL want her daughter there if your mum had got her daughter there.

Original poster
Ilikethefanta · 28/08/2015 19:38

I did- to put into context it was a pleading from my mum 3/10 scale- I think you should have your sis there too just because oh has fallen out with his sis don't take it out on yours kind of thing compared to mil shouting and crying saying she wouldn't be coming and how could we be so evil sort of thing.
To compare- I see my sis most days.
We haven't spoken to sil for over a year for various reasons and due to her being increasingly aggresive he went nc so whatever function we would be having she would Neber have been invited even if it was a wedding for 100.

OP posts:
Gymbunny1204 · 28/08/2015 19:42

This is your chance to show everyone you are a grown up who won't be pushed around.

If you want to get married, do it, have your parents only and just do it. If you don't be prepared for the family to carry on bullying and controlling you.

Original poster
Ilikethefanta · 28/08/2015 19:45

That's what my brain is telling me gym so far mil has 'won' almost she didn't want to have to attend with out her dd so she doesn't have to- but my family have had to pay the price also. If I don't do it know I'm storing problems up but equally I'm pregnant and stressed I don't want to through with it and get a shed load more abuse from mil that we went ahead with just my family etc :(

OP posts:
ThePortlyPinUp · 28/08/2015 19:51

I got married last year with only two friends as witnesses and our 4 dd's. We had similar issues and this was the best outcome for us, it was a really lovely day.

AdoraBell · 28/08/2015 20:04

MIL isn't your mother, bloody obvious I know, but my point is you don't have to deal with her. When she starts tell her to go talk to OH. Don't give her a chance to be abusive. It's him who stopped contact with his sister and he should deal with his mother.

I also think you should go ahead now without MIL as she will do the same if you wait.

And remember -

Your family =you deal with them
His family =he deals with them

Gymbunny1204 · 28/08/2015 20:07

Get married. If they carry on you don't have to let them near you. Forget the baby, if someone Doesn't respect the mother they don't get the joy of the baby in my book.

PLUtoPlanet · 28/08/2015 20:13

I think I remember your earlier thread. Get your legal business out of the way as soon as you can manage it. Thank your mother for her "understanding" when you tell her. MIL is probably really upset that she "raised" two siblings who don't talk to one another, but may be mollified by the fact that none of your family was present... therefore there is even ground on which to build bridges...?

FadedRed · 28/08/2015 20:30

If I were your DM, and I'm well old enough to be, I would be very upset not to see my daughter married because of the unreasonable behaviour of her STBH family. I would also be very, very wary on my Dd's behalf that she was getting this sort of shite from her IL's.
However, given that you have a child and another on the way, I would want you married for the legal protection of you and the children, and especially because that is what you and your partner want.
So go and get married asap.
If I were your mum I have a big family (mine not his) party to celebrate, with a cake and champagne and photos. If you let me. Because I am your Mum, and I love you enough to want you and your partner and children happy.

PLUtoPlanet · 28/08/2015 20:45

Well said, FadedRed!

Original poster
Ilikethefanta · 28/08/2015 21:27

Thanks all I need to decide now but good points on here :)
Oh has told his mum to go only to him with issues now and he will deal with her- she did want to call means apologise for upsetting me (although not changing her actions Iyswim) but he said to leave me for a couple of day as I'm still really upset

OP posts:
Ragwort · 28/08/2015 21:45

Get married, quietly, tell no one until after the event - if you even need to tell them ........... if it comes up in conversation just say 'yes, we got married very quietly recently'.

You are an adult, your DP is an adult, you are both parents, you don't need to take all this emotional abuse and blackmail from other people.

God Forbid I would ever behave in such a manner if my child wanted to get married Sad.

WhatifIdid · 28/08/2015 21:51

Do EXACTLY what you want OP. It's your wedding and your choice who is there.

How dare they muscle in on your event. It's entirely up to you who you invite and no one else should think their opinion trumps your desire to say who should be at your wedding.

Enjoy your day and don't give rude selfish ppl another thought. They don't deserve any of your consideration.

Inertia · 28/08/2015 22:29

The legal and financial protection offered by marriage is too important to put off due to squabbling relatives. What happens on the day doesn't matter unless you want it to - the key thing is being married.

You need to stop pandering to everybody else's demands and do the right thing by your family, ie your children and dp.

aurynne · 29/08/2015 03:04

Go into a rest home in the neighbourhood. Invite everyone there to the wedding, and have a draw to choose your bridesmaid, best man and witnesses. Have a great meal all together. You will have the best day of your lives, and all your guests will have it too :)

Bogeyface · 29/08/2015 03:16

Tell everyone its off, then do it on that day anyway.

Grab a couple of witnesses (MN does a good line in witnesses, I will do it if I am local to you) and get the fuck married!