Cancelling wedding due to family fall outs etc

[Ilikethefanta]

Have name changed.
This is part relationships and partly how I'm feeling so please bear with me.
Been with oh over ten years have dd and another on way. Decided to get married now while pregnant to avoid having to have big thing but we still get to formalise everything.
We initially wanted parents only but my mum kicked off though my sis and dn should be invited- we caved and invited them.
Since then mil has gone nuclear about oh not invited his sis who he's been nc with for over a year due to her being aggressive.
Mil said some awful things to me and I've been in tears the last couple days with all the stress. She said she didn't want to be at the wedding and didn't want any of her side there.
We spoke to my parents and they said for the sake of no arguments just go off on your own and get married so we told mil that no one was invited.
I think now ill cancel the while thing or postpone until next year.
I'm still feeling ill with stress of the arguments.
My oh is now more angry with his mum and wants us to go ahead with only my parents there instead- I think this will cause more issues for me further down the line- mil thinks the sister not being invited was entirely my doing (not true).
We just wanted to finally get married no fuss but its caused chaos :(
If I cancel it will be hard my best friend gets married 2 weeks later so will still have weddings on my mind.
I've sent mum dress back and cancelled meal etc already but kept the reg office date- my oh just wants to do whatever will be least stressful he's worried how all this upset is affecting pregnancy and also my dd is noticing mummy is upset too.

Look at it this way, OP. If you give in to your MIL now, it will be even harder to stand up to her the next time.

My dd's grandparents are lovely and because they are so lovely I finally gave in and let them have her baptised. Big mistake! Next thing I knew they were choosing what school to send her to.

If I go ahead I would want to have my parents as witnesses so there will be a fall out from that. Oh says he will deal directly with his family complaining after they find out will went ahead (if we do).
All this fuss we were never havibg a 'wedding' no dress, reception speeches we just wanted them to be involved when we were signing things and saying our vows- we just want to be married.

I would elope.

I could elope but after sleeping on it again wouldn't that just be giving in to mil demands? She didn't want to be put in a position where she didn't come without oh older sis so we had to uninvite my family so it wouldn't 'look bad' or cause further fall outs from oh side. But I'll be upsetting my parents in the process (they said its fine but I'm sure they want to be there) and I'm not sure I want strangers there instead if my own family.

Good lord!

Go ahead with YOUR wedding. Invite who you want to invite. If others decline to come , that is their own problem.
If your MIL. changes her mind and comes your DH has to tell her that she actually behaves herself: is lovely etc. The slightest chance that she acts up and he will go nc on her too.

There is no point in postponing because whatever the date, nothing will change family wise. But if you don't lay down your terms now, stand together as a couple, say 'this is what we are doing, we'd love you to come, but we are not changing our arrangements or invite list ' and stick to it, calmly, like a stuck record , your MIL will grow in monstrosity , be the bane of your lives and your wedding day will never be as you planned .

In the first place did you mean it to be 'just parents' , or was your DS left out to reflect the fact that your SIL was not invited?

Bit of both blu we wanted to keep it tiny but also by not inviting mine we could get round the whole sil issue

What do you want to do Fanta?

Reinvite your parents without your sister. Reinvite your MIL without his sister (OH invites her not you) and whoever turns up on the day that's what happens. Families are really shit and putting their needs before the bride and groom's.

Re- invite my parents only my mil made it clear she didn't want to come and would only be there out of duress not through choice (if at all she was quite clear she didn't think she could actually come and that others would not be coming).
Would that be so bad?

If you want to have your parents there, then do it. you've said it'll cause fall out but that's already happened so you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb! Your DH to be hasn't said he doesn't want them to come - this is all to make it look fair but it's your MIL who's chosen not to come. Go ahead and leave her to it.

Invite your mum and sister because you want to.
Don't invite your SIL because you don't want to.
Make your mind up with OH about MIL and decide if you want to.
DO WHAT YOU WANT TO. I speak as someone with a nightmare MIL who compromises myself and OH all the time. I wouldn't give a sod if she doesn't like it as you've explained yourself very well to us re SIL etc. Explain yourself to her now.
You need to set boundaries for family now or it will spill over into other areas of your life, schools, where you live, spend Christmas.
Just have courage.

If your future MIL doesn't want to come then that's her choice. Your DP is right. Just continue, have your parents and your sis there, and get married. Then he will deal with his mother. You can't please everyone.

No , it wouldn't be so bad. Issue the invitation (well it has been issued) and if she chooses not to come, that's her choice . Certainly don't put her under duress and have her behave badly while saying ' I'm only here because you insisted ' etc. just make it clear: it's your wedding, you'd be glad to have her there to celebrate and have a good time, if she feels she can't do that, you are FINE with that, you'll see her sometime later.

Stand together, stay calm, don't let her do divide and rule, or get competitive 'my son's family / my DILs family etc).

DH just sticks to his PoV . 'You are invited Mum, we've kept it to a very small event and invited those we see often and are close to. That's the way it is, it's not a competition between families, come if you would like to, but if you fe you can't fit some reason , I don't need an explanation, just decline'.

Invite your sister if that is what you and DH want to do.

So you think I should re-invite mil then? I'm not sure I could right now knowing that she doesn't want to be there and all the things she said.
I think if its a choice between going ahead and re-inviting everyone or not doing it I would go for the latter.
It would not be a good day its too raw too much had been said.

This sort of thing is incomprehensible to me. Family are people like any other, but with a bit more initial goodwill. There's not one of them I would die for except DD and DW. Once they use up their privileges, they're just someone in the address book.

Just do it without MIL. She has made her position clear. You seem to be giving her an awful lot of power. Don't. Start as you mean to go on. She doesn't get what she wants by throwing her toys out of the pram.

I think if its a choice between going ahead and re-inviting everyone or not doing it But it isn't a choice between those two things. You can actually just do it! Have your parents and sis there and forget about your future in laws - your future H has said he'll deal with that side of things.

Oh, ok, sorry , I misunderstood the position MIL had reached . No, if she has said she will not be there, she's given her answer . Go ahead without her.
Just Do It (if DP is willing . It sounds as if he is).

I don't think you should invite MIL, she's made it clear she doesn't want to go, she sounds a bit bonkers and she may kick off on the day.

So just do what's the least stressful.

If you want your parents invite them.

It's really important that you stand your ground.

Sorry I think I'm confusing things now she hadn't given us her 'final' answer it was a case of I don't want to be there whatever if I come it will be under duress. I will let you know If I decide I can come or not. We told her the same night not to bother coming she'd made it clear she didn't want to come and didn't agree with it therefore it was best that no one came.
But obviously I want my parents there now.
I just want to go ahead with my parents I think without getting strung up by mil but I'm always going to be the bad guy in her books so might as well have a day without worrying myself sick if she's going to start ranting at any point.

I'm glad so many of you have said said your ground that's how I feel on the whole and if I were advising someone else that's what I'd say too- I just need to be brave now!

If you really want your DPs have them and your sis.
End of.
MIL has burnt her boats. And it's just a quick ceremony not an event.

I remember your original thread.

you clearly want to get married, so get married. These family squabbles won't go away and you didn't want any fuss in the first place.

I know rellies have a tendency to come out of the woodwork when there's a wedding on - don't give them longer to do so. Just go, get married, have 2 witnesses from somewhere, ignore the bullshit, kiss your new husband with joy and then go and have glass of bubbly at home if you want.

it's for the two of you to get married and enjoy. Please ignore all the squabbling relatives, they're not worth your time.

Just marry the man you love with your children, parents, sister and niece there.

what iPaid just said.

I think you should be kind to your mil and re invite her.

You've had a row, so you are cross, but she will be part of your life forever, so not having her to your wedding is a big step to take down the road of future bad relationships.