Cancelling wedding due to family fall outs etc

[Ilikethefanta]

Have name changed.
This is part relationships and partly how I'm feeling so please bear with me.
Been with oh over ten years have dd and another on way. Decided to get married now while pregnant to avoid having to have big thing but we still get to formalise everything.
We initially wanted parents only but my mum kicked off though my sis and dn should be invited- we caved and invited them.
Since then mil has gone nuclear about oh not invited his sis who he's been nc with for over a year due to her being aggressive.
Mil said some awful things to me and I've been in tears the last couple days with all the stress. She said she didn't want to be at the wedding and didn't want any of her side there.
We spoke to my parents and they said for the sake of no arguments just go off on your own and get married so we told mil that no one was invited.
I think now ill cancel the while thing or postpone until next year.
I'm still feeling ill with stress of the arguments.
My oh is now more angry with his mum and wants us to go ahead with only my parents there instead- I think this will cause more issues for me further down the line- mil thinks the sister not being invited was entirely my doing (not true).
We just wanted to finally get married no fuss but its caused chaos :(
If I cancel it will be hard my best friend gets married 2 weeks later so will still have weddings on my mind.
I've sent mum dress back and cancelled meal etc already but kept the reg office date- my oh just wants to do whatever will be least stressful he's worried how all this upset is affecting pregnancy and also my dd is noticing mummy is upset too.

I would just get married (regardless).
Then ask you Mum and Dad (and quite probably sister if you want) to be there.
Then tell MIL when it is, and she can come if she wants.

And that is the bottom line.

Get married.

After you are married: there will be other rows - sounds like that is just what your MIL is like. But thats her problem. You have the legal protection.

If you don't get married and DH is hurt in an accident - officially MIL will be his next of kin and could make the decisions for him. That is the thought that motivated good friends of mine to get married.

mummytime that's a sobering point motivation right there.
Spoke to my mum she's said that I should think about it for a puple of day and be sure that I want them there but she does think we should leave the invatation open to mil. My oh isn't sure he wants to ask her again- going to mull it all over but I will go ahead and the meal and everything we organised for after will be cancelled as whoevers coming that is the stress point for me getting through that meal with all the tension about the day so sign the papers and everyone can go home.

Go ahead without her,
Id re invite your family (assuming you want them). Rebook your dinner and sod everyone else. It seems mean for your family to lose out because mother in law is a dick.
If you wanted to be nice if get oh to have a 'come or don't come, we are past caring' conversation with MIL.
But as she said she wasn't coming, there's obviously no place at the restaurant table for her.

You poor thing, op. All this stress. I think mummytime sums it up well.

Don't give your power away - you will be dealing with his family for a long time. Decide what you want and do it. Make sure in your mind it is as reasonable and kind a decision as you can make, and then go ahead.

You initially wanted parents only, so that could be your starting point.

Then decide how you feel about dsis and dn, also try to imagine how you would feel looking back if they were/weren't invited, and come to a conclusion on that basis.

Your parents seem to be good at giving you space.

Your dh-to-be seems to be handling this well, and certainly a lot better than many would. He is on your side.

Again, initially he didn't want his dsis there. Assuming he still doesn't, that is sorted as a starting point.

As for his dm - well, if you feel the best decision is still to invite her, then she has a choice, doesn't she, to come without dsis or not come.

Don't put the wedding off. It's for you, your oh, and your children. Could you not still have a meal/celebration afterwards? If his dm came along, would she really do/say anything that can touch you, just married with your family around you? And if she does, well, for the future you and your dh could decide she has burned her bridges.

MIL, if you feel you would rather not come that is up to you but you are most welcome

Thanks oh is still thinking about whether he wants to re-invite mil or not so ill leave that with him. I'm happy to go and come straight home with my family but the thought of a meal out with his mum after everything is too much in 2 weeks.
Aside from the wedding I'm taking a big step back from my inlaws and will be avoiding mil for the foreseeable.

How stressful for you op! Just think about what you want to do here now.

Neither your mum or your MIL have any right to make requests about who should be there. Your mum meant well, but insisting on your dsis being there has changed the dynamics.

Why not just do what you had originally planned, as you must have been happy with that.

I'd be tempted to get married with your parents and then only tell MIL you are wed if she asks. There's no reason to announce it to her.

There will doubtless be fireworks when/if she finds out, but your DP seems to be prepared to deal with that (you've found yourself a good'n).

And I think you're wise to back away from ILs, they sound like hard work without any of the fun stuff.

Just go and get it done.we invited my parents and Brother plus DH's parents but not his 3 siblings as they weren't local and has partners plus children and would have made it bigger.

MIL said they weren't coming them changed her mind last minute but couldn't get a flight. Recently (15 years later) it occurred to me she was having a hissy fit about his siblings not being invited but it didn't dawn on me at the time, I just thought they were odd, they sent DH a pack of underpants for his 30th so thought they were quite strange.

Think DH got it at the time but just didn't engage in her drama.Lovely day, very 'us' and so glad we just got on with it.

Don't think DH'a siblings minded not being there. We met up recently at a funeral and one of them asked us if we had ever got round to getting married so clearly only MIL who was fussed.

Right my MIL (& FIL 'cos he wasn't "allowed" by MIL) did not come to our wedding. She didn't approve of me as a DIL as I had been married before, and due to that we got married in a registry office instead of the Catholic church that was her preference. (this was in the 1970's)

However we told them "You are very welcome, its at such and such a place and at such and such a time" and left them to it.

Their loss.

Their absence caused comment, and it wasn't complimentary towards them.
I, at the time did not care and have never cared.

OP you do what you want, I would invite your MIL and leave it up to her whether she comes or not. If you do not want your SIL there don't invite her.
The main point is you and your DP getting married. Leave it up to DP to invite his Mum and sister if he feels he wants them there.

Forget all the arguing, relax, and look forward to becoming a married couple, as thats the main thing.

Is there a risk the NC SIL would turn up if your MIL passed on when and where you were being married? If so, I might change dates and not let them know… just a thought!

Just go ahead with the original plan. Prospective MIL has uninvited herself and so be it.

Don't be pressured into doing something just to please other people. This will be YOUR wedding and no-one else's. If there's any fall-out it will be for your husband to deal with and not you.

You are giving far too much head-space to future MIL, so start as you mean to go on. Live your life and meanwhile MIL can go to hell. Where she belongs.

Please don't let your MIL dictate terms and prevent you from marrying your DP. He sounds as though he definitely has his priorities in the right order and if he wants to go ahead without his mother there and just your family, why would you want to dispute that? you read endless threads where DP puts MIL first and he's doing the right thing without a fight!

What matters is saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You gave your MIL the chance to be present and she issued an ultimatum, her son doesn't now want her there. Why should MIL's happiness mean more than that of you and the family you and DP created?

Be happy, get married with your family there and don't give it a second thought. She clearly didn't worry about upsetting you and dictating to you and DP. Don't give her that power. I hope it goes well.

FWIW, I had family issues when arranging my wedding and in the end we went off to the registry office with two witnesses and told everyone when we came back. They didn't believe us until they saw the marriage certificate but they spoilt it for themselves.

Your wedding; do what you want. Dm, Dsis, anyone else you love who will be happy for you. She won't be pleased, you are cutting down on contact anyway, so don't let her dictate anything else.

Slightly off the point but the advice about MIL being his official next of kin is incorrect in UK law. Next of kin has no legal standing in the UK - in hospitals it really means 'someone who is involved a lot and would answer the phone if you got more poorly'. It only has any legal meaning if you die intestate.

If your partner was unable to make his own decisions, decisions would be made in his best interests, by considering what the medical choices were and consulting people close to him - yes MIL but the voice of his longterm partner would be v important - to find out what he would likely want if he was able to say. Not what you or MIL wants, but what his opinion would have been.

It's not the case that MIL as next of kin would just make all the decisions.

Sorry to derail but next of kin status is a common myth.

Oh called his mum to explain that everything going ahead as was apart from meal and would she come- she said she couldn't talk then and there but would come round to have a chat with us both at the weekend.
I've told my oh I don't want anymore stress I just want her decision whether she will be there or not but there is nothing else to discuss with her.
I'm annoyed as she obviously would only be wanting to discuss A. Would we back down and invite sil or B. cancel/postpone the whole thing.
She said last week that she was going to contact me to apologise for causing me stress while I'm pregnant which I've heard nothing more about.
Can't wait for it to be over and done with then I can avoid her :(

Make sure you are out when she comes - and make sure DP knows your wishes!

My oh is now more angry with his mum and wants us to go ahead with only my parents there instead- I think this will cause more issues for me further down the line

No! Quite the opposite. She is wants you to do her bidding whenever she has a tantrum. Do not give in to that shit. It will NOT make your life easier further down the line standing up to her will.make your life easier. Actually, supporting your DH in standing up to her is the right thing to do. He knows her shit much better than you and he seems to be behaving admirably.

but would come round to have a chat with us both at the weekend.
No, no no no no. This is a straightforward power play. Tantrum didn't work so she is trying a new tactic.

I suspect you have little experience of toxic family. I bet she can smell your fear. You might cave in the face of whatever shit she pulls.

My advice: be out. Let DP deal with her alone. Then do whatever he says is the right appraoch with her. Dont try to talk him into "being nice". He's the expert.

Remember this is between her and him. Don't let her drag you into it. Stay well out of it.

She doesn't need to come round to browbeat you and pile on the stress. It's a yes or no question. I think your OH should tell her he's not interested in any kind of discussion - she has the invitation and that's that. In fact, do you even need to know whether she's coming or not?

she said she couldn't talk then and there but would come round to have a chat with us both at the weekend.

As tripot says she's doesn't need to chat to you about it, you need a yes or no answer, and that is what she should be told.

Your DH should say "Sorry Mum, all we need is whether you are coming or not, nothing else is up for discussion"

She's doing a damn fine job of making the day all about her.

So glad that my thoughts have been confirmed here I immediately thought it was a power play and an opportunity to again beat us with 'her' thoughts on it all.
I spoke to oh last night and we agreed there's nothing that needs to be discussed just a yes or no. He's going to call her again today so I'm hoping she can tell him and we can move on but there will be no meeting up prior to the wedding.
I would rather know now if she's coming as I'm so worked up about the while thing I want some kind of resolution so I can feel prepared.

*whole thing

I would rather know now if she's coming

Yes - which she knows. Which is why she will refuse to tell you.

Ultimately I think your DP will need to tell her that if she can't confirm attendance the invitation has been withdrawn because it is more important that you can both enjoy the day without drama than it is that any one guest is present. I suspect this is what she ultimately wants, to be banned from the wedding so she can milk it and/or sabotage it by turning up dramatically just when it's about to begin.

I think your DP gets this, but just do not allow her to dominate this conversation. Yes or no. The end.

Tripot you're absolutely right I think she would much rather play the martyr and us banning her would very much suit.
If she doesn't come my oh will be upset (no matter what he says its his mum and your own mum refusing to come is going to hurt) but if she does I'll be worried in case she does do something to sabotage it Im thinking it wouldn't be outside the realms of possibilities that Sil could turn up with her or that she's told others even though she knows its a 'secret' wedding of sorts.
Will see how the conversation goes this morn there'll be more tears I suspect not just from mil :( thoroughly Fed up of this drama now