I have turned into an abuser.

[scaredimlosingit]

NC for this.

About 9 months ago I found out my H was having an emotional affair. This really destroyed me, but what has made the matter much much worse is that I have become so angry.

We have been trying to work things out between us but every now and then I get so mad at him that I hit him. A week ago I threw my iPad at him and it went straight through his lip. I didn't mean for it to do that obviously, but I know that that is not the point and is no excuse.

My H doesn't want me/him to leave, he seems to not even be bothered about the hitting. And it's not just slapping, it's big punches to his face, crotch, stomach. I hit him so hard I got a bruise on my knuckles. In the past week I have got a bit better and if I feel like hitting him then I say that he needs to get away from me or I will hit him, so there has been no violence since the iPad incident which was last Tues. But me saying that he needs to get away from me or I'll hit him is a form of abuse in itself.

This is not like me at all, before this happened I never hated anyone, never hit a single person in my life. I know that even though the sexes are reversed from the norm that this is still domestic violence, and I'm disgusted with myself. I am due to see a counsellor next week who I hope will help me deal with my anger but I worry that I'm irredeemably broken now.

Does anyone have any experience of either abusers (or themselves as abusers) coming back from this and becoming 'normal' - for want of a better word - again?

As springy said, this isn't a debate.

The OP hasn't minimised her actions, whatever anyone else may have done. Her OP showed no danger that she would and the vast majority of posters have hammered that point home as well. She knows that what's she done has wrong, she's taking it very seriously and she is now getting help. Moving forward, she has a range of opinions to inform her thinking, which is the purpose of a forum like mumsnet; it's worked the way it should have done.

Good luck OP.

Rl poster, rl marriage, not a debate.

springydaffs

Wind it in? Sorry, are you in charge of what people say on here? I hadn't realized...

I said to OP initially that it's positive she is getting help and is recovering, so don't tell me what I "categorically believe", I have not once said she should be castigated for what she has done, it's great she is getting help, trying to correct people spreading yet more DV myths is not the same as saying OP needs to be flogged.

OP is getting help and knows she has a problem, that is the important thing, but people patting her on the head and telling her what she has done is excusable is not going to help her move on from this and recover. Acceptance is the first step to letting go of unhealthy behavior patterns.

As you said Rachel. A number of times. In a number of posts.

I doubt you'll be back op but I'm glad you've posted about this (iyswim..) bcs it needs an airing despite the rabid and shrill response by most posters . I hope you get the right hell and support and can make some headway with this.

Fucksake

There's no doubt the ops behaviour is abusive . However I disagree she is an abuser in the typical sense. Abusers deny , minimize and blame , something the Op isn't doing.

My marriage was abusive, it doesn't mean the advice I give is 'shit'

My husband accepts (now) that he should have handled things differently (we have been separated over two years). He does not 'minimise, deny or blame'. That does not make the experience any less damaging or abusive. It means there is a chance of OP addressing the situation, that is all. And part of what she can do is get physical space, either by leaving herself or asking him to leave - in other words, separate, temporarily or permanently.

If the OP had posted to say that it was her husband who had smacked her around the way she has done, I somehow doubt that posters would be seeking to excuse and qualify her behaviour.

Would anybody be saying 'he's not a typical abuser' or 'he's not doing it for control' in that case?

meeting only in public places for the time being, while you work on yourself. Would you advocate a female victim of DV meeting her perpetrator in public, or at all?

That is ridiculous advice.

This is DV, it doesn't matter how you justify it, or what 'triggers' there, op is abusing her dp & she needs to leave (not quite sure why people are saying HE should be the one to leave)

How do you know she wouldn't reach for a knife? Exactly! She has already used one weapon against him & hurt him quite badly!

And hitting him in the crouch? Just horrible. This isn't randomly landing punches on him, she is choosing her targets!

In short, wind it in. There a rl posted here, a rl marriage, not a debate. Yes, this is a real life marriage, with real life VIOLENCE! Stop minimising it.

Also the OP is saying he needs to get away from her to stop her hitting him, not removing herself from the situation, again all about her calling the shots and having the ready made excuse if she does hit him of "Well, I told you to move out of the way, it's your fault I hit you because you didn't do what I told you to." YY! She is blaming him for not leaving, and some on here are victim blaming too. It really is shocking when the roles are reversed, isn't it. Would her dh be OK ho hit her like this if she had had the affair??

Abusers deny , minimize and blame not always.

Ok reverse the roles;
About 9 months ago my dh found out that I had been having an emotional affair. I stopped but it really destroyed him we've been trying to work things out ever since but he has become so angry. So angry that he has started to lash out and hit me, well not just hitting or slapping he throws big punches to my face, my crotch, my stomach. He's hit me so hard he's bruised his knuckles. Last week he became so angry he threw the iPad at me, it went straight through my lip. I know he didn't mean to do it, he just gets these angry outbursts, they started after my affair.
I've told him that I don't want him to leave and that it doesn't bother me, he feels very sorry about it after.

To try to reduce the problem he now lets me know when he feels like hitting me, he tells me to get away so he doesn't hit me. He acknowledges that what he is doing is abusive and is seeing a counsellor. He feels so sorry after he has had his blow ups.
He's never done anything like this before and has never been violent in his life before now, he's so worried that all of this has broken him and that he can't be fixed.

No way would the answers be the same. Abuse is abuse, the op is acknowledging that... some posts on here are worrying.

Its shocking how women's behaviour is met with excuses and analysis, where as a man would be labeled every name under the sun. Just because the OP is contrite doesn't excuse or minimise her behaviour it just means she has the self awareness to know she is doing something very wrong.

No one has the right to lay their hands on another person with the intent to harm them . End of. It's called assault. Let's remember that.

You need to leave the relationship if you are truly sorry for your actions. You are not safe to be around at the moment OP and need some help. Don't rely on your partners feelings of guilt to minimise your behaviour.

You've made the first step which is very brave of you. Keep going so you get to better place and don't continue to abuse. Good luck to you

I agree with Metallic. I'm baffled by the idea that abuse isn't actually abuse if the perpetrator owns the behaviour and doesn't deny it.

It just looks like logical gymnastics to take a woman's side even where there is physical violence.

The OP here needs to remove herself from the relationship immediately, for the safety of her husband. It's not up to him to say 'but I don't want you to leave'. She's the one with the issue, she needs to be the one taking positive action to do the right thing.

You need to leave, and you need to do it today.

You are giving yourself permission to physically abuse your husband. As long as you are doing that, he is in danger, and you are ruining your life.

Sometimes we have to do what is best, even when it isn't what anyone wants.

First step, leave. You can explain that your anger is too much for you to deal with whilst you are with him, and that you need to leave for your own sake, as well as his. Since you are not who you want to be.

You then need to find a counsellor. Ideally someone who has dealt with abusers. You do not want a counsellor who doesn't take your violence seriously just because you are a woman.

By doing this you are showing that you know you are wrong and doing your best for everyone. You must break this cycle. Anger should not ever lead to violence. You are justifiably angry, and I think that is clouding things for you both. Your dh may feel that it is some kind of just retribution. But you will never escape the cycle. It will get worse. Any children witnessing this are also being subjected to abuse.

I hope you can find the strength to do the right thing. This doesn't have to be who you are.

Er, but the OP DOES minimise and blame. Why explain her DH had an emotional affair months ago? It's not in any way relevant to her repeated physical assaults on him now. She doesn't get to repeatedly assault another person because they emotionally hurt her at some earlier point in their relationship.

This isn't a healthy place to be op, and it's already escalating. You didn't state in your op, but do you have children in the home?

She has already set up a counsellor as can clearly be seen on the OP.

She isn't minimising what she's done by providing context; she's explaining how this situation came about in the hope that will help posters understand the psychological basis for why she is engaging in this completely unacceptable behaviour, which she herself labels as abuse. She is completely in agreement that it is abuse and must stop. Therefore telling her that it is abuse and must stop isn't bringing anything new to the table. At no point does the OP suggest that it is any less abuse because she is prepared to confront it head-on and call it what it is. It may relieve our feelings to tell her she is an abuser but it's unnecessary because she already knows this and is trying to act in response to that knowledge. She has taken the first step of a difficult journey and that's a good thing, whatever comes next. It's not our job to vilify her or use her as our own virtual punchbag. She's asking for help to change for the better; everyone deserves that.

Personally, I don't think abuse by a woman is any more acceptable than abuse by a man. No other poster has hinted that it is. From a safeguarding perspective, it is often different; in a fight without weapons, my own partner could inflict grievous bodily damage to me while I would be unable to so much as break his finger. Our positions are clearly very different in terms of personal risk, though admittedly much less so if I had a history of hurling heavy objects at him.

I can understand why you are hitting out

..this is very different from an abuser who hits to control and dominate.

..a world away from an abuser who hits to control.

..this seems more complex than the monster who knocks their partner around.

Would any of the above statements seeking to understand, excuse, qualify or minimise be made towards a man who beat up his wife for having an emotional affair?

Yes, I would make all of my comments again if a male OP posted the same - or indeed if the OP comes back and reveals they are male.

If you told a man you understood why he was hitting his wife you'd be flamed and rightly so.

Really? It's understandable that men hit women when hurt and angry?

Saying 'it's understandable' is a way of saying that an action is a valid way to respond. Saying 'I understand' doesn't necessarily mean that; it simply means you understand why.

The overwhelming advice the OP is being given on this thread is to leave, posters are emphasising the urgent need for her to leave (or if she can't then he has to) by referencing the violence that she is inflicting on her husband and the very real danger of it escalating.

The only solution to this situation is for the parties involved to be apart just attending counselling whilst still living with your victim is a recipe for disaster.

Feather and black, she is "due" to see a counsellor. She hasn't actually gotten any help yet. One week ago, she assaulted another person and physically hurt him "it went straight through his lip."
Was she horrified and moved out? No, she has "you writes that the following week she's told him to stay out of her way so she's not forced to hit him. I do not see any remorse in her actions, only in her words. And sadly, that's a rather standard script by an abuser.

I hit my partner. I threw an iPad at my partner's face and I didn't miss.

And because she's a woman, we need to hear what HE did that provoked her!?

The fuck we do.

In the nicest way possible, you come across as too emotional to be terribly constructive in this situation Hey. The OP has started a thread looking for help and she's received it. End of.

I don't think your an abuser OP

An abuser systematically uses anything s/he can to get control over the other. This includes destroying their self esteem, isolating them and making them feel they have nowhere to go. Then they start with the physical attacks usually a push, a shove, a slap, a punch, getting worse each time.

You are obviously feeling very hurt and betrayed and it's coming put wrong. You are not an abuser and I'm sure the counseller will tell you the same.