I have turned into an abuser.

[scaredimlosingit]

NC for this.

About 9 months ago I found out my H was having an emotional affair. This really destroyed me, but what has made the matter much much worse is that I have become so angry.

We have been trying to work things out between us but every now and then I get so mad at him that I hit him. A week ago I threw my iPad at him and it went straight through his lip. I didn't mean for it to do that obviously, but I know that that is not the point and is no excuse.

My H doesn't want me/him to leave, he seems to not even be bothered about the hitting. And it's not just slapping, it's big punches to his face, crotch, stomach. I hit him so hard I got a bruise on my knuckles. In the past week I have got a bit better and if I feel like hitting him then I say that he needs to get away from me or I will hit him, so there has been no violence since the iPad incident which was last Tues. But me saying that he needs to get away from me or I'll hit him is a form of abuse in itself.

This is not like me at all, before this happened I never hated anyone, never hit a single person in my life. I know that even though the sexes are reversed from the norm that this is still domestic violence, and I'm disgusted with myself. I am due to see a counsellor next week who I hope will help me deal with my anger but I worry that I'm irredeemably broken now.

Does anyone have any experience of either abusers (or themselves as abusers) coming back from this and becoming 'normal' - for want of a better word - again?

Oh ffs Feathers the attitude of those on here,being completely different to if it was a man posting, disgust me.

You really have to leave, what might you do
Next?

Domestic violence is not unusual after infidelity , it's not a gender issue, both men and women can and do react violently. Most books or articles about infidelity also mention the high risk of domestic violence, and there's several recognized approaches to deal with it.

It's also not unusual for the victim of the violence to refuse to leave, despite their spouses decreasing ability to cope with their presence. They are often afraid of losing their relationship and refuse to give their spouse the space they need .

Berating the Op isn't helpful.

'..refuse to give their spouse the space they need'.

So it's his fault she's punching him and hitting him in the face with large objects because he's not giving her the space she needs?.

I hope I've misinterpreted that and that's not what was meant.

Right, I'm back, and I'd like to thank everyone who has posted, no matter how hard it has been for me to read the responses.

Firstly, I left this morning, I delayed leaving not because I was giving myself permission to hit him, but because I did not want to leave my 3 DS's unless there was any other choice. I see now that there is no other choice, so I have gone. I hope that whatever you think of me you can see why leaving was an incredibly difficult choice.

My DS's have never witnessed the abuse, but I know that it would only have been a matter of time before they did, and it was that reason above all others that made me decide to leave.

HeyDuggee I appreciate your point of view, but the reason I put about his EA was because before I found out about that I had never hit anyone, threatened anyone, anything like that at all. I am not giving it as an excuse, I was trying to explain the catalyst that set the abuse into motion. We had spent 18 years together with very few cross word said and no physical altercations, so I needed to give the cause of my rage, I didn't just wake up one day and decide to hit my husband. Again, I know this is no excuse, I could have removed myself from the situation and I didn't, I didn't have the mental strength.

If someone had said to me a year ago that I would be in this situation I would have said they were being ridiculous, I cannot emphasise enough that this has come out of the blue for me, I have never been violent before and it scares me what I have become.

As soon as I had thrown the iPad I contacted the counsellor, it's been so long in getting an appointment because the counsellor I have chosen is very busy. We did go to couples counselling in March and I did tell the counsellor then that I had been hitting him and she just said that I shouldn't be doing it, which obviously I already knew. I have picked one that has experience in dealing with DV for my individual counselling, and my husband has been attending counselling since his EA came to light.

I don't recognise myself anymore, and my DM, who I have come to stay with for now, can't believe the change in me, I just have so much anger inside me and I never used to. I'm not looking for sympathy as I know I don't deserve any, I'm just trying to explain that I wasn't always a monster I suppose.

To anybody who has experienced DV I am massively sorry that I have raised horrific memories for you, nobody deserves to be scared of their partner, and I of course include my husband in that.

I will probably leave this thread now, as it is hard to see the truth about myself in black and white, I will come back and read it again, many times I suspect, when I feel stronger, hopefully my counselling will enable me to do that.

Thank you again, for all points of view, I have taken them on board.

You should leave. Make arrangements and go. This situation is hideous and it won't get better. There is no fixing a relationship where you have crossed the line so completely. You will always look at him and know what you did. He will always make you angry. If you truly love him, and want to like yourself again, you have to walk away before you lay one more finger on him. You as a couple are too broken to mend, and really you shouldn't even try.

An abuser systematically hits someone. That is what an abuser is. They aren't always someone who isolates, and wants complete control.

Tina Turner's husband abused her, yet she was surrounded by people, he didn't isolate her.

You are finding a way to justify ops violence against someone else. Stop it.

Cross posted. I'm glad you've taken appropriate steps. Good luck.

BrandNewAndImproved With all due respect, you have described ONE version of an abuser.

Abusers come in all guises, that is how they get away with it, no two are the same. OP hurts her dh. She throws objects at him that have injured him, she punched him in the face, groin and stomach...she threw a weapon at his face.

a·bus·er
??byo?oz?r/
noun
noun: abuser; plural noun: abusers

someone who regularly or habitually abuses someone or something, in particular.

You have done absolutely the right thing by leaving scared, for your dh, your children and you.

I suspect you have a long, hard journey ahead of you but you seem fully committed to it. I wish you all a better future.

Icouldbe, yes you did misinterpretate.

Cross post here too.

Good luck op, fyi, and what some counsellors won't tell you, is that couples counselling where violence is involved doesn't usually work very well, so just be aware of that.

Scared I just wanted to come on here and offer my support to you. I know how devastating the discovery of an EA can be, and yes, I got so angry with my husband when I found out about his various EA's that I hit him once, but there were some times when I had to take myself away from the situation otherwise I'd have done it again, joint counselling helped me to ease most of that anger. I joined a gym and started kick boxing to help me to get rid of the rest of it.

I am in no way making excuses for you, you weren't right in hitting him but you have admitted that and it seems like you are now facing up to the consequences.

I just wanted to let you know that I do understand, to a certain degree, and wish you and your family well, whatever happens.

Scared I think you've done the right thing. I hope that you get what you need from the counsellor - and that you learn to reduce your anger, or redirect it in more positive ways.

I have been in a similar state, but without the violence against a person - I was more into smashing stuff, wanting to break furniture and equipment - but since I was on my own whenever that happened then the only person who would have suffered was me (and I did break a bone in my hand once, and possible cracked a toe). That whole "the only feeling I'm capable of is anger" may also be a sign of depression so I'd see your GP as well and tell them the honest truth about the situation, if you haven't already done so.

Good luck with your therapy, I hope you find yourself again.

I don't know if you're still reading Scared, but I wanted to say fair play for recognising you have a problem and aching out for help. It seems to me that the question you're really asking is if you can be fixed and the answer is yes.

Taking responsibility and taking the steps you have by moving away from your husband is a good start. It's much more than most abusers manage.

I'd echo the advice above to speak to Respect, they're really good, no one will judge you and they have a lot of experience. There aren't many perpetrator programmes in the UK but they can point you in the right direction and also talk through your feelings and your options.

Counselling is also a good idea but under no circumstances should you and your DH go to couples counselling until you've individually accessed help for how you are feeling and acting. He may want to seek support and the Men's Advice Line will help him work through how he's feeling if he wants that. But this is a process you need to go through seperately.

None of that means you can't speak to him but you need to do it in an environment where both of you are getting support.

It is possible for you to work through this and come out the other side but you do need outside specialist support.

Good luck. It's not going to be easy but admitting there is a problem is the first and one of the hardest steps and you've done that.

Scared well done for doing the right thing -recognising the problem, knowing you had to leave and doing something about it. That can't be an easy thing to do, but it is the right thing.

I hope you get the help you need and can sort yourself, for everyones sake.

Best wishes to you OP, if you're still reading. You've done the right thing in leaving. Hope you manage to do the work you need to.

I really admire you, OP. You deserve to get your family back. In your place, I would also urgently consider the possibility that you are suffering from mental illness as medication could help - and the conclusions you're drawing about yourself are misplaced if this is the case. Good luck

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. It could be that you have never learned how to be angry about things, as you never had a reason or focus for such anger before. You are struggling to cope with a new and negative emotion, and using it to hurt your dh.

Since your husband is not safe around you whilst you cannot control this emotion, you must keep your distance and take the counselling very seriously. This will not be easy. But if you can get through this. The last thing you would ever want is for your sons to end up involved with someone violent, or become violent themselves, because of your actions.

I truly hope you can find a way past this, and never treat a future partner the way you have your dh. Good luck.

featherandblack

"From a safeguarding perspective, it is often different; in a fight without weapons, my own partner could inflict grievous bodily damage to me while I would be unable to so much as break his finger. Our positions are clearly very different in terms of personal risk"

So, as a woman, how many time can you hit your partner before it becomes abuse?

Ffs Boney don't waste my time editing the answer to your question out of my original post:
Personally, I don't think abuse by a woman is any more acceptable than abuse by a man.

leaves thread

OP, I feel for you.

This relationship is no good.

I have been in your shoes and no, you're not a violent abuser. You're fucking hurting and you'd like that got who destroyed your peace of mind to feel some of your pain.

It won't help, you know. In fact, you're making it easy for him in some ways... you become the bad guy, the unstable one.

TBH you won't feel better till you are out of this relationship.

featherandblack

In case you are still around, you posted that one is worse than the other. It isn't when you are the one being abused.

I have been in your shoes and no, you're not a violent abuser. You're fucking hurting and you'd like that got who destroyed your peace of mind to feel some of your pain.

Seriously? Can you imagine if a bloke had written that!

Just because someone has been hurt emotionally it doesn't give them any right whatsoever to hurt that person physically. It's wrong and is assault. Dressing it up any other way is just plain wrong. This applies to everyone.

A bloke didn't write that. A fine-boned, five-foot tall woman did.