Police have just phoned and I'm reeling... (MNHQ have amended title - potential trigger re: sexual abuse)

[Shameandregret]

I was raped by my cousin when I was 10 and he was 13 or 14 (I can't remember his definite age). He also sexually assaulted a 3 year old girl at about the same time. I also know he assaulted my aunt when they were both adults.

I have had a police video interview as the girl who was assaulted as a 3 year old made a complaint.

Police have just phoned me to give an update. They have done the arrest and my cousin is saying he knows nothing. The other girl has given a sketchy account and they still have to interview a couple of other key people. They can't track down my aunt and have asked me to try I'm no contact with her as basically she used me as a sacrificial lamb in the family and allowed them all to call me a liar, knowing the truth, to save her marriage.

The police man actually has just said to me that he doesn't know if they can take the investigation forward as it will be difficult to prove my rape wasn't wasn't consent based or child experimentation? I was s tiny ten year old who weighed 3 stone, he was a huge fat 13/14 year old who physically pinned me down. It has taken me years to realise that this wasn't my fault. Now the police seem to be saying it is?!?

I'm reeling. Surely I shouldn't be having to track down my aunt? Should I? I can't believe they don't believe me. I just want to cry for the 10 year old me. I'm necking wine (I know wrong move) and just can't think straight. I should have refused to give a statement. Fuck fuck fuck. Sorry I'm not making sense

Very brave

It's scary how many stories there are of this kind of thing.

Playnicely - could you tell someone? I know it's hard but it might help you recover.

saying that in order for the prosecution to prove a case against a rapist, they have to prove that the victim didn't consent

No 'they' don't.

I understand what you're trying to say, but the way you're expressing it is skewed. It's not that prosecution has to prove the complainant is not lying, but that the defendant is. A subtle but important difference.

Your line implies, even if you didn't mean it to, that the court starts from an assumption that the victim is lying and she has to prove otherwise.

Playnicely the OP was raped at 10.
Not 'just' groped,which is bad enough.

Oh thanks so much for thinking of me... We were both so embarrassed that we only hinted at it years after to each other. I couldn't tell anyone. I'm just not brave enough to risk the shame/doubt. Although logically I know there is no shame in being unlucky enough to come across a perv..
If it was some old flasher type I could maybe share, but I honestly don't think anyone would believe me. On paper (and Facebook) he is eligible, successful and a total catch, and people would be super sceptical. I am embarrassed that i am such a coward. I'm glad there are people willing to take the risk, and I'm so sorry it's been a let down. Ugh

Rape crisis phoned whilst I was working but couldn't answer. She messaged me saying she'd spoke to the officer and 'the investigation is still ongoing the officer was just trying to manage your expectations of the Criminal justice system.'

Utterly confused. Wish he'd have just not spoken to me.

I suppose groped could mean a quick touch. I was being delicate, or just didn't know the word for forcing hand inside someone... I'm not comparing it at all of course and have never been raped thank goodness. Although being held still by the large weight was what reminded me of my horrible cousin. I shouldn't reply on something so sensitive without more thought.. I was just so surprised that there can be more than one horrid, cruel man out there. Sorry if I seemed to minimise your horrible experience to a common or unimportant thing OP

Playnicely that was appalling. How dreadful for you.
I hope he is not a danger to children now.

'the investigation is still ongoing the officer was just trying to manage your expectations of the Criminal justice system'

O rly?

He could have just said: 'You should be aware that historical sex offences are hard to prove in court, I can't predict what the outcome will be.'

OP,

I've been through similar, my case went to the high court, feel free to PM me.

I remember the confusion and anger that I felt when the police contacted me (I never reported it) and when the media got a hold of the story and suddenly fucking stupid shit was being published in national newspapers.

I actually phoned one of the news papers and let them have it, to their credit they apologised and pulled the story from their website.

I was a child when I was abused and barely 18 at the trial and it was one of the hardest things I have ever faced.

I'm the nicest way, I would be prepared for some very awkward, intrusive and intimate questions, remember it is ok to say you don't know or you don't remember.
Also be prepared, in the nicest way, for family members to be unsupportive or to take sides. Your parents may be questionsed due to your age at the time of the attack, and it sounds as if your aunt will lie.

Please use Rape crisis or any charity you can, you need love and support at this time. Please think about you and your health and look after yourself lovely x

Play nicely - I can see why you don't want to tell the police etc but if it's having an effect on you please get counselling. Otherwise it will live with you forever.

playnicely don't minimise your experience. It sounds awful. Inter familial sexual abuse is hard for people to accept as is peer on peer sexual abuse. Combined together they are a double traima because you face being ostracised AND disbelieved by people who are meant to love you the most.

Kitty - my parents have already been interviewed. As has my best friend. I inadvertently disclosed when we were 12 that I wasn't s Virgin (I had no idea it wasn't the norm to have sex as s child). I'm so sorry that you had the press to deal with too

Did you have to be questioned in court? Also at any point did you ask if you could withdraw your statement?

I believe you too OP.

Look after yourself and use MN for support too. Xx

We all believe!

Playnicely - don't as said above downplay your experience. I think it would be wise to seek some professional help - this can be totally confidential. Good luck

Ah I see now Twinklestein sorry, didn't mean it to sound like that. I just meant to say that if the defendant says he is innocent, our justice system demands that this claim be accepted unless the prosecution can prove he isn't innocent. If he says there was no sexual activity, the prosecution needs to prove there was. If he says there was sexual activity but it was consensual, the prosecution has to prove it wasn't. It's the drawback of the innocent until proven guilty principle, the prosecution has to prove each and every thing they say while the defendant can just say he's innocent and doesn't need to bother proving it. The police are probably just the OP the sad reality, they are unlikely to be able to get justice for her. Because of the matching complaint they maybe do believe OP, but knowing that a man is guilty and proving he is guilty are different things. It's like the police knowing for sure the Krays were guilty, but no one could actually prove it.

Yes I was questioned in court, but before I even got to court I had to give an initial statement to a specially trained policeman (he was excellent) then I had some contact with the police offering me support, then I had to pick rapist out of a line up, then give another statement to the lawyer (she was cold and unemotional) I then had to go back as more evidence surfaced, and give my statement on that evidence, I was then called back by the police to give a statement on more evidence.
It was very emotionally draining but in a way encouraging as I could see it was actually going somewhere.

Some of the lies made me physically sick, the line up made me sick, and preparing for court made me sick.

I never asked about retracting my statement so sorry, I don't know about that, however, I don't know what country you are in OP but once a statement is signed and given, it is no longer "yours" and you might not be allowed to re read it to refresh memory.

I suggest you write down everything you can remember for yourself

Keep yourself safe and healthy OP x

I believe you. And I care.

And like so many posters on here I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are a beautiful person, and a person that deserves support, care and gentleness.

Not the same but similar, I was 4,5, 6 - one of those anyway. I thought I knew but your posts have made me challenge my own thinking and actually, I'm not quite sure. And that's ok. For you and for me. We were children, you were a child, and you can never ever be to blame, it's not possible for that little child that you were to have done anything wrong, nothing at all.

The child you were deserved to be heard, to be understood, to be protected, defended and enveloped with love, gentleness and healing. And somewhere in you is that same child, and that child needs to be understood, believed and supported.

So sorry you had this horrific experience, both at the time and now... I so hope he's prosecuted.

I really hope the police have acted properly, despite their initial behaviour, and informed child protection.. His own kids will be at risk. This needs to be urgently assessed. This is how lifetime paedophilia often begins, targetting a younger family member.
for you OP and your 10 year old self.

Good luck with the masters! Perhaps you could contact rape crisis or student counselling support... It's what they're there for... It's going to be very raw jsnt it in thr run up to any case.

As you can see OP from other heart rendering stories you are not alone. We all believe and feel sorry for you.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this and wish you much strength.
I hope you can hear the affirmation from people on this thread that you were not to blame and that you are believed.

I am saddened by your user name. It is not your shame, it is your abuser's shame and the shame of those who collude to cover up.

You are not alone.

You are very brave OP. My abuser died and so I have never had to tell anyone about it - I can't imagine how hard it must have been to talk it all through with the police. X

kitty I had a video interview, not a written / verbal statement. Yesterday I was seriously considering withdrawing if I could. I just don't know. Then I look at my dc's and try to imagine dd (who is 4 nearly 5) having to cope with this. Or my DS1 who is 12 doing what my cousin did and not knowing it was wrong.

I can categorically 100 per cent say my DS1 would know, without a shadow of a doubt, it was wrong and wouldn't have any inclination or knowledge to do it. My experience means that I never leave my children unsupervised with younger children and I have drilled into them about respect, personal space and privacy. Which is sad for my dc's that I've been on high alert as it may have impacted on their childhood

I haven't heard a thing from my BIL or parents. My family seemed to have shut down and closed ranks on me. I experienced this before when the abuse came out, my extended family chose to scapegoat and disbelieve me because the alternative was to look at family dynamics and adult responsibility and that was too painful. We were woefully unsupervised as kids, the adults were getting pissed most of the time. So for my parents and aunts and uncles to acknowledge and believe my abuse would mean they had to admit to diminished parenting capacity. For a family with such an entrenched belief that they 'live for their kids' this was too much. I feel shame from this as much as the abuse if I'm honest.

Awww! So sorry for all of you here that have suffered in this way and adding another voice that it definitely was not your fault.

Play nice that too was appalling and quite scary that he may still be up to his 'pranks' when he finds himself alone with avulnerable woman.

I remember being asked to read Secrets in the family by Christopher Dare and lily pincus ' lily the pink!' . It was a long time ago but you may find it helpful.

I hope you have a better day today op and better to let those tears out than push them down with wine . The little you should have been cared for and nurtured by all your family while the perpetrator got a thrashing!

My family were red hot on CSA . My dad said he would kill anyone who touched me and by god he would as well.

My nan from the other. Side of the family instilled into everyone about inappropriate touching having been raised in an orphanage and may have been a victim herself.

Please don't beat yourself about the inadequacies in your family. In your branch of your family no abuse will be tolerated. End of!

More for you OP. Wishing you all the strength in the world to get through this.