Police have just phoned and I'm reeling... (MNHQ have amended title - potential trigger re: sexual abuse)

[Shameandregret]

I was raped by my cousin when I was 10 and he was 13 or 14 (I can't remember his definite age). He also sexually assaulted a 3 year old girl at about the same time. I also know he assaulted my aunt when they were both adults.

I have had a police video interview as the girl who was assaulted as a 3 year old made a complaint.

Police have just phoned me to give an update. They have done the arrest and my cousin is saying he knows nothing. The other girl has given a sketchy account and they still have to interview a couple of other key people. They can't track down my aunt and have asked me to try I'm no contact with her as basically she used me as a sacrificial lamb in the family and allowed them all to call me a liar, knowing the truth, to save her marriage.

The police man actually has just said to me that he doesn't know if they can take the investigation forward as it will be difficult to prove my rape wasn't wasn't consent based or child experimentation? I was s tiny ten year old who weighed 3 stone, he was a huge fat 13/14 year old who physically pinned me down. It has taken me years to realise that this wasn't my fault. Now the police seem to be saying it is?!?

I'm reeling. Surely I shouldn't be having to track down my aunt? Should I? I can't believe they don't believe me. I just want to cry for the 10 year old me. I'm necking wine (I know wrong move) and just can't think straight. I should have refused to give a statement. Fuck fuck fuck. Sorry I'm not making sense

I hope you managed to sleep - stay as positive as possible. Keep posting you will find support here.

I believe you.

More

I hope you got some sleep.

It's just shit, isn't it? To have everything dredged up and thrown back in your face? It takes so long to get yourself on an even keel then something forces you to relive it. Just awful.

Stay strong OP. The past is the past. You are not that vunerable 10 year old any more, you are a strong lady with a different life that you have control of.

Keep posting if it helps. We believe you.

I believe you, OP.

I was also 10 when I was raped, by a stranger, who broke into our family home with the intention of assaulting me (when I was 16, after years of not telling anyone, I broke down and told my mother - who called the police, who said that they'd always suspected something had happened to me, because the stranger had a track record of targeting women on their own with young daughters. At the time... they didn't even think to ask me if anything had happened, and appeared to treat it as normal that I'd woken my mother up to tell her someone had broken into the house!). I didn't tell anyone for 6, almost 7 years... because I knew how to keep a secret. I was sexually abused by my dad's brother when I was 7. I told my Gran, who did her best to keep us apart and not leave me alone with my ex-uncle ever again... but I wasn't to tell my parents, because they'd both be devastated (my mother's sister married my dad's brother) and they had a small baby, and... yeah. Essentially, I was sacrificed for the sake of family harmony.

I believe you.

Shit like this never leaves you. It lurks at the back of your brain. I have a daughter, and when she was 7 and then again when she was 10, I found myself looking at her and thinking "she's still a baby... I was still a baby...". I didn't have counselling. I had no support. My parents know about both incidences now... but they don't believe me. Every row we have, it's brought up how they "know [I'm] lying about both". I know I'm not. I know that's their problem, not mine.

I really hope that you get the support you need... and no; you don't have to be responsible for tracking down your aunt. Believe me, the police have far better resources than you do for finding people. Let them do it. Tell them why you don't want to/shouldn't have to. Let them do their job!!!

I believe you, too contrary.

Whenever I read about people in bad relationships staying together "for the sake of the children", it makes my blood boil. And OP and contrary have given two more reasons why this is stupid.

contrary thanks for sharing your experience, so traumatic and I'm so sorry that you have been let down so badly by your parents and the police. I'd really recommend you go to rape crisis as they are very very supportive and as you say this never leaves you.

I got a bit of sleep but have spent the night being sick which is my bodies way of dealing with trauma. It's a physical reaction that always happens when this is dragged up.

I'm still in shock about the things that detective said. If there are 3 separate individuals experiencing assaultive sexual behaviour of one person surely they can't dismiss it as experimenting? He abused me regularly from when I was 5, I completely understand that in the eyes of the law he wasn't criminally culpable under 10 but the last and most serious incident (the rape) was clearly so far away from experimentation.

I feel like I've been forced to relive it all just for it to be minimised and dismissed. This is exactly why I didn't want to report it as it felt like a grey area as I grew up and I always thought I would be torn apart in court by his defence who would say I participated. Psychologically I know that the shame part of it has been the biggest barrier for me. now it feels like the system is going to do its best to shame me too IYSWIM?

Thanks everyone for the flowers and the I believe you's. It is going in.

I believe you too.

Help put this man away and it will go along way to healing your pain.

This is awful. I believe you and clearly the police seem to believe you had sex as a 10 year old yet claim you consented??

Last I knew a girl under 13 could not give her consent, regardless of 'how in love with the man' she is. And it is automatically classed as rape.

I think you need to ask for this aunt's details. He must be stopped and had probably done it to many more probably defensless children, if according to him a 3 year old and his cousin are ok.

Wishing you all the best.

We all believe you. We all know the law too, a 10 year old cannot consent to sex full stop.

The police are not known for their enlightened attitude to women and sex offences, as you have unfortunately seen. Some forces, some individuals can be fantastic, but it's a bit of a lottery.

Between the lines I think the policeman is subtly trying make you give up. They have a duty to investigate the case as the other victim reported it, but it sounds like they think that the chance of conviction isn't that high given that the other victim was only 3 at the time, so they can't be bothered with it.

I don't know where you are in the country but the Met's Sapphire unit (supposedly set up as the gold standard for sex offence investigation) has had at least 7 IPCC investigations in the last 10 or so years, and two forces in London were found to have pressured victims into dropping cases. Another case, involving John Worboys the black cab rapist, was particularly shaming as the police did not believe the victims who reported him.

So - if I were you and you can face it, I would take BIL with you. Another policeman will focus their mind wonderfully. And I would also contact your local victim support.

twinkle thank you, you have coherently put what I was trying to say. It felt like he was trying to make me give up. He started with 'we have interviewed your cousin and he knows nothing about it, he says he doesn't know what you are talking about so...?' And I was so shocked I just said. 'Oh right' awkward silence then he said 'I know after your interview you said you had no expectations?' I did say that because I don't. They way I saw it was the police approached me to tell my experience, I did that, it was up to them to do what they want with it. If they had just said there isn't enough evidence I would accept that. It's the way he said it will be difficult to prove it wasn't consensual that has upset me. It's so triggering.

I know my virginity was taken, by force, when I was 10. I didn't want that to happen and it scared me. I know that. My cousin knows that. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. It's the truth. I just didn't want anything to happen to anyone else. My cousin has 2dcs now, a boy and a girl. If this process has checked that they are safe then I'll accept that and move on. Not much else I can think without driving myself into an early grave and/or madness.

no doubts about you in any of our minds . report that policeman -what he said is disgusting. You do not have to track down this aunt. Give the police the FB info and let them do thier job. You need more support in dealing with this .Is there someone who can be with you at home ?

Oh, sweetheart, how horrible.

Of course it wasn't your fault.

I wonder if it would be helpful for you to contact Rape Crisis, given the experience that has been raked up, and the upset caused by what the police said? I think they could give you some excellent advice on how to handle all this.

Of course it wasn't your fault. Of course it wasn't 'experimentation'. Of course he was guilty. You know, in your heart of hearts, your ow mind and memory , exactly what happened, and don't let anyone gaslight that version out of your head.

FWIW it could be that the police were actually trying to warn you, in an objective fashion, that no matter what the truth is, proving it in a court of law, one person's word against another, is hard, and that 'experimentation' is a (lying) defence that your cousin may present. I don't think that telling you this means, per se, that the police guy does not believe you. The fact that there is a matching complaint will probably suggest to the police that you are telling the truth.

I want to cry for your 10 year old, too. We believe you.

I would like to see your cousin, and your despicable aunt, brought to justice and given a hard time, now that you have been dragged into it all....but you have complete decision making on your own behalf for what you do.

I hope someone such as Rape Crisis, can help.

Good luck.

Rape crisis have just phoned and are going to contact the police to see what the full story is because I didn't take any of it in.

My parents aren't answering, think they've gone to ground cos they can't deal with it. The one who is being most supportive and actually talking to me is my stbxh ironically. BIL hasn't answered my text from last night either but might be on a shift. Ex is taking kids out to the cinema so I can have some head space.

It's the way he said it will be difficult to prove it wasn't consensual that has upset me. It's so triggering.

I'm so sorry, his attitude was appalling.

It's not for the victim to prove the incident wasn't consensual either to the police or to a court. The fact of your age make the whole consent issue irrelevant anyway.

I'm glad you've spoken to Rape Crisis, if you've got an ISVA already you don't need your BIL so much, but I think it would be good to get his take.

How truly horrible - rape crisis are an amazing organisation.

We all believe!

So sorry to hear what happened. It's a horrible thing for adults to go through let alone a child. From what you said it doesn't sound like the police are saying it was your fault, just that they would struggle to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you didn't consent. We know what he did and we know you were raped but the authorities aren't going to convict someone based on your word alone. The innocent until proven guilty system can really hinder justice in cases where it's the victims word against the criminal, as the victim needs to prove everything they say while the criminal can just deny everything and never needs to prove that he didn't do it.

I wouldn't go on the wine when you're feeling like this because being drunk when you're emotional can be a dangerous thing but I do think you should still be doing something to try and stop the crying, something like a treat to get your mind off things. Family sharing bucket at KFC all to yourself coupled with a massive box of chocolate curled up on the sofa watching your favourite film could help? And you wouldn't have a hangover the next day.

Another one who's here for you. And of course I believe you. It's obvious that a 10yo cannot give any sort of consent. Plain as day.

I'd also like to draw attention to what BrendaFlange said, the police guy himself probably will believe you because of the matching complaint. But proving it is not the same as believing it. Think about the Kray twins, everyone knew they were guilty and if you reported them the police would certainly believe you were telling the truth. It's just that for a long time nobody could actually prove what everyone already knew.

Just want to add another I believe you, and it all sounds horrific. So sorry this is being handled so appallingly, especially as it was the police who contacted you first in the light of the other complaint, and dredged it all up for you.

Glad to hear you've got Rape Crisis on the case and hope you get somewhere with this. You really should be able to speak to a police officer who's had the proper training round this, and it doesn't sound like this guy has.

From what you said it doesn't sound like the police are saying it was your fault, just that they would struggle to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you didn't consent

They don't have to! That's what's so fucked up. The complainant is not on trial. A trial would be the crown vs the defendant, not the complainant vs defendant. It's the prosecution's job to prove the case beyond reasonable doubt against the defendant, the OP is essentially a complaining witness.

Wasn't saying that the OP was on trial, just saying that in order for the prosecution to prove a case against a rapist, they have to prove that the victim didn't consent. That means getting more than just a claim from the victim. Now we know that she was raped, we believe her, but her rapist will deny it, which is why it's important to try and prove she didn't consent, because when it's the complainants word against the defendants.

The alternative for the police is getting the OP's hopes up telling her they will hopefully get the rapist jailed but if it's a very slim possibility I think it's better to get the brutal truth from the start rather than get false hope that is later dashed.

I believe you. I'm sure the police believe you too.

The police are not giving their opinion more telling you that it will be hard based on evidence to get the cps to go with it and take it to court. They have to be honest with you.

I used to deal with these cases. It was the most frustrating thing as you believe the victims but often cps won't take it to court. And it if it does get taken to court the victim needs to be prepared for it to be emotionally draining and the defence claiming all manner of things. It's not right. It's an awful situation but it's sadly the way it is. Officers have a lot of faith in their victims and the system lets the victims down.

Having said that just because it's a historic case it doesn't mean that you can't get a successful conviction at court. Just that it's hard.

Doesn't seem right that you should be tracking down your aunt. Give any leads you have to the officer and they ca do their job.

Best of luck and .

My thoughts and the thoughts of some many on MN are with you.

It seems as if the justice system hasn't moved on from the "predatory 12 year old" case. I'm very shocked at what you're going through.

Wow, my sister and I had a similar gropey cousin experience at the same age as you. We didn't mention it until years later as adults with children.
Groped cousin is now a respected professional, and I wouldn't DARE spill... You are brave.