Police have just phoned and I'm reeling... (MNHQ have amended title - potential trigger re: sexual abuse)

[Shameandregret]

I was raped by my cousin when I was 10 and he was 13 or 14 (I can't remember his definite age). He also sexually assaulted a 3 year old girl at about the same time. I also know he assaulted my aunt when they were both adults.

I have had a police video interview as the girl who was assaulted as a 3 year old made a complaint.

Police have just phoned me to give an update. They have done the arrest and my cousin is saying he knows nothing. The other girl has given a sketchy account and they still have to interview a couple of other key people. They can't track down my aunt and have asked me to try I'm no contact with her as basically she used me as a sacrificial lamb in the family and allowed them all to call me a liar, knowing the truth, to save her marriage.

The police man actually has just said to me that he doesn't know if they can take the investigation forward as it will be difficult to prove my rape wasn't wasn't consent based or child experimentation? I was s tiny ten year old who weighed 3 stone, he was a huge fat 13/14 year old who physically pinned me down. It has taken me years to realise that this wasn't my fault. Now the police seem to be saying it is?!?

I'm reeling. Surely I shouldn't be having to track down my aunt? Should I? I can't believe they don't believe me. I just want to cry for the 10 year old me. I'm necking wine (I know wrong move) and just can't think straight. I should have refused to give a statement. Fuck fuck fuck. Sorry I'm not making sense

Another adding my voice to say that it was not your fault and that I believe you.

You're not an idiot, honey, and you most certainly DID NOT consent nor is it your fault that you were victimised by the same youth who sexually assaulted a 3 year old girl.

This is not your fault. NOT YOUR FAULT.

He did this to you. And to the other girl. And to your aunt.

Don't let the police and their poor handling of this make you feel anything different.

If you contact the FB friend, you surely don't have to say why exactly you want this info? "about a family matter" or perhaps "about an urgent family matter". You don't even have to say that much, just make a simple request for info?

I wouldn't do anything just yet though.

I believe you and of course it wasn't your fault.

The police can be notoriously shit with this stuff they are people and people are sometimes rubbish and just because a police officer said that to you doesn't mean it's the truth IYSWIM.

I don't have any advice to give others have given some people to talk to. When it comes to your aunt you could tell them the name of the person who is friends with her and they can approach for contact details. it's not up to you to do their dirty work for them FFS and it doesn't sound like your aunt will have anything to add to the case supporting you and the other child anyway.

Give the police what information you have, but don't feel guilty about not doing their job for them (FFS!).

Contact NAPAC. They can help.

It wasn't your fault and I believe you

It is not your responsibility to track down your aunt. Let the police deal with her and you focus on you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It's ok to blurt, sounds like you need to. Don't go contacting anyone. Give the police the name and town of the person you know is connected to her on Facebook.

Is there anyway you can protect yourself from being contacted by his family (change phone, email etc)?

Give yourself time to stop reeling, anyone who can help out (if you want people around) for the next few days? Or online shop, film day with the DC.

I've just phoned the rape crisis hotline thing and left a message with my number. I tried to phone the police back too but it's just ringing out. I didn't really understand what he was saying. He was going on about some documents they have got as evidence from my doctor not tying up with the dates? The documents record an examination that prove an assault but not when I said?! I don't know exact dates and times though. I was a kid, I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on. I was just throwing up daily and trying to avoid having to be anywhere near him.
My BIL is a police man do you think I should phone him and ask for a bit of advice about process?

By all means ring your BIL if you think it will help you, but you should be speaking to the SOIT officer who is dealing with your case.

What questions do you have about process?

whirlpool thanks for saying what you said about the truth.

I just feel like the truth and my reality has been dismissed and discounted. My head hurts. I think I might take a sleeping tablet.

Goddess what's a SOIT? I have an ISVA but not the above. Thanks x

a quick message to say no sleeping tablets with alcohol! Not a good mix.

Also no of course you couldn't have consented at that age. I had something similar but not so extreme at around the same age. Parents took me to police station to make complaint and he was formally cautioned and put on registers etc x

A SOIT is a police officer who's specially trained in sexual offences investigative technique.

I'm not sure a sleeping tablet will do you any good if you have been drinking. I understand that you want to sleep but perhaps drink some water, and try doing something that keeps your mind occupied with something else for a while.

You were ten, you probably wouldn't have even know the exact times/dates then let alone now. Also trauma does funny things to the brain and memories, you've probably spent years trying to forget this stuff and now you are having to relive it all again with others, and those in authority, seemingly trying to discredit your memories, so take it easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel the anger, grief, whatever else comes up.

Do you have anyone in RL who can be there with tonight?

OP - just to reiterate what others have said, this was not your fault, nor was it consensual.

Child on child abuse cases are hard for them to prove, and there is a grey area when the children are of similar ages.
There is a principle used in child on child abuse cases, it is usually that if there is a 3 year or more age gap then it cannot be considered to be child 'experimentation' When the age gap is smaller it is very hard to prove. But in your case it clearly is 3 years, and as you clearly say it was rape, then they should follow it up.

Of course it wasn't your fault. You were a young child, 10 years old. How the fuck could it be your fault!
Have a hand to hold, and please, wine is not the long term answer (ok for the short term tho') for the long term x

Op, I believe you. You were 10 years old, a child. This is definitely not your fault.
Please don't take a sleeping tablet on top of drinking.
Ask Bil for advice and get some help to see you through this. Please rant away, that's what mn is there for, a great sounding board and support.
Don't give up your plans to study, you've obviously done very well so far

I've brushed my teeth so I can't drink more wine. I will get into bed and try to not let my past and its tentacles win. Thanks for the handhold everyone

you were ten. it is not your fault.

bollocks to it being experimentation... ten ffs.

I have an almost 10 year old. She has no clue about sex, I am stunned that a police officer could even say this.

I believe you.

Don't you dare let that piece of shit drag you under.

I'm disgusted at the way you've been treated - it's called secondary abuse. These minimisers and deniers - gutless and damned useless.

You know what happened. We believe you.

I think it's fucking appalling that it seems to be down to the victims of abuse to educate professionals.

Sleep well. Keep strong