confused.

[wellnamechanged]

ive name changed for this thread.
im an old hand on here.

basically i need some advice though i think i already know the answer.

a year ago i met someone who i just totally fell for in a way that was new to me completely.
i was married. the strength of my feelings meant the only option for me was to end a very very long marriage and move into my own place. it was rash but the right thing totally. my children are adult.
the man i fell for wasnt so rash. he was in a long term relationship too, felt the same way though he took a lot longer to end his relationship. he is currently doing that and selling his house etc.
he was on/off more times than i care to count and was very conflicted though in the end he said he couldnt live without me and so ended his relationship as i said i would not be the other woman.
we are totally different personalities but i am in love with the man and there is nothing i can do to change how i feel.
when he sorts things we will be free to have a relationship. we both want that. His relationship wasnt good and he and his partner lived quite seperate lives.
he has no children and has made it clear that he would like to have a child with me.
the issue is that he isnt making plans with me. When his house sells he intends to get his own place and for me to keep mine on until we see if we could live together - all very sensible.
im not a youngster - time isnt on my side to have a child. i have two adult children already and i know what having a child means. he seems to have got caught up in the romance of the idea and while i would gladly try for a child with him his actions arent saying he wants that.
his plans are being made completely independently of me. he has basically said he will buy a house and i can move in to his house - nothing is being discussed or jointly planned.
under the circumstances i dont feel i can contemplate children without some commitment - and for me that means planning together. There is none of that.
i veer wildly between thinking bollocks, just go for it to whoa...to no way. He isnt making me feel secure. When i say this he says there is no need to feel that way. He has said he wouldnt feel trapped but he is a man who needs his own space and ive explained that would all go out of the window. this didnt phase him but he just doesnt seem committed. when ive said this i get nothing in response. He is selfish....he has only ever had himself to consider. i dont think he has a clue what he would be letting himself in for. He is intolerant and moody but that has never bothered me. i accept him totally for who he is though im not sure he feels the same - i know there are aspects of my personality that annoy him and he doesnt "get" me - he gets me wrong a lot of the time. It doesnt bother me. He is getting better at hearing me and being more tolerant.
i think to be in a position to consider this we would need to be planning together - jointly buying a house, planning together yet he seems to want to make all the decisions and for me to fall in with them.
he is also an oddball. i know this and i knew it all along. Not one of my friends can see what i see in him but of course i see a totally different side to him than they do. i am getting older and i know i have a very limited window of opportunity now if ever.
i feel he loves me. He just doesnt know how to be a couple. part of me thinks if we had a child he would fall in love with that child and things would naturally evolve.
part of me thinks im bonkers to even consider it. yet i know if i dont, and soon, thats that. i would do it more for him than for me - ive done it and brought up two wonderful people. id love another baby but equally i am enjoying my freedom now.

go on. give it to me straight. im so confused now i cant think straight.

He doesn't really sound like a catch at all.

He sounds like very hard work.

It shouldn't be that hard.

You also had an affair whilst both involved with other people. That's a really great start to any relationship, isn't it?

I would ditch this man asap. I certainly wouldn't be having children with him! He sounds like a nightmare.

Enjoy your freedom to pick and choose quality partners if you've escaped an unhappy marriage.

A baby for him, when he can't work out how to plan with you or be part of a couple? Is he looking for a surrogate? Or a babymama? What are you looking for? Being a selfless supplier of a child?

A child is a really bad idea under the circumstances you have described.

The two houses on the other hand, if you want to build a relationship, is a sensible option. A successful relationship doesn't have to include a new baby.

I agree, I'd run as fast as my little legs could carry me, tbh nothing you say about him explains why you fell for him, and why you're still with him

Get out and don't look back, and certainly don't have a baby with someone who isn't committed, is intolerant and moody and sounds extremely selfish and self absorbed

Your friends don't like him - listen to them

i wont leave him - because i dont want to and i do love him. im willing to give the relationship a go.

he does have redeeming features - ive just not gone into them because the burning issue for me is whether to have a baby with him. or not.

i feel its too much to chance right now, and i think by the time weve worked it out it will be too late.

he is lovely in many many ways. he just doesnt know how to do coupledom.
and he is set in his ways.

No, don't have a baby, I don't know why you'd even consider it

Ok, so he doesn't know how to be in a couple, yet was in one when you met? How does that work?

Live on your own, enjoy something lighthearted and fun with him if you want.

Do not provide him with a child, enjoy your freedom.

Don't have a baby!

No. Don't have a child with him. If he can't be part of a couple, how can he be part of a family?
A woman risks a lot having children, her body, her security, her finances. A man hasn't the same risks if things go a bit Pete.

And, if you've been here a while, you'll know just how bad an idea it is to have a baby in a questionable relationship, early on, with a selfish man who won't discuss things in the hope that he will 'grow up' or come round to the idea. Because if it doesn't work, you've just added another person to the shit.

Actually, I get why you're with him. You were swept away with it all, and haven't really gotten past that. Do a google on "sunk costs fallacy". I think on some level, this guy was a means to an end on extricating yourself from a relationship you found unfulfilling, and now that you've done that (and made him break his own relationship) you feel like momentum is propelling you forward.

I'll have more thoughts on him in a moment, but, short answer: No. Do not have a child with this man.

OK, assuming you're both the same age and your biological clock is ticking loudly - then his character is his character, really he's not going to magically learn how to have relationships. How he is is how he'll be...

Don't have a baby. Just enjoy the connection you do have, make the most of it. And tbh, I'd keep separate households/finances.

yes we are both the same age.

and yes we do have a connection. he fulfills something for me that ive never had before.

and vice versa.

I think he probably was unhappily married, or experiencing the normal highs and lows of a long marriage coupled with a mid life crisis, and meeting you was the impetus for him to leave (or his wife found out and kicked him out) but he is not yet certain that he wants a future with you.

Everything he feels for you, he once felt for his wife. He doesn't want to be railroaded into something that he doesn't know he wants. He doesn't want to wake up in a year and feel the same disappointment he ended up feeling for his wife.

Your bubble was exciting for him, but real life considerably less so.

He is dangling promises because he doesn't want to leave his wife to live in a lonely bedsit.

If you are patient, it may develop into a proper relationship. You've put up with a pathetic excuse of a half-relationship for ages so may be able to continue doing so. But the most likely scenario is you will end up hurt.

I think you'd be bonkers to even consider having a child with this man. It's not until right at the end of you post that you mention that you'd be happy to have a baby, all the rest of it is about him wanting a baby.

How old are you OP you say you gave grown up children, so I'm guessing mid to late 40s... What if you agree to try but it doesn't happen? How much additional pressure will that put on your relationship and will that be his get out clause to cheat on you with someone younger?

Wow he's intolerant, finds you annoying, wants to live separately blah blah...not ideal 'father' material

Not to mention selfish and moody...please don't do it...

How old are you?

And do you really want a baby?

I think you've both done the rationally, sensible thing by ending your relationships and starting independent lives, rather than rushing into living together straight away. That's good. It will give you a chance to discover whether there really is any life in this relationship.

I'm not surprised you're wondering about aspects of his character (and I'm sure he is or will be doing the same about yours), because you don't really know each other yet!

Stop worrying about the what ifs and the longer future and enjoy the time and the relationship that you're in now. If it works, fantastic. But it might not.

Don't bring a baby into such a new and untested relationship.

he isnt a player, and no i dont for a minute think he would go for somone else, younger or older. this whole situation has been incredibly hard for him.
were both young enough. the question isnt really about that. im much more open than he is.
this whole situation is totally alien to him. (and me) but he isnt a player or anything like it. as i arent.

we were just with the wrong people. what we have is real. im just very aware that if we were to want more time isnt on our side. i know he would love a child but the timings all wrong.

i think i have my own answer tbh. but thank you for the replies

we are both in our early 40s.

i married very young and had children very young. the burning desire for children isnt with me because ive done it - and i love my children more than life itself and they are both incredible, independent young adults.

The thing is, everything you've said about him is fine and valid.

I just don't understand why you're considering having a child with him. You haven't said you want one even, just that if you decided you did at some point, it might be too late.

Why not just enjoy a relationship with him? Wby does there have to be a child?

my kids are successful. both totally rounded young adults. one is working overseas and one is at uni.

i suppose im just very aware that i could give him what he wants and yet it has to be right. im not sure it is right now. its very new. i know that.

X post

Why do your friends not like him op?

I feel like I'm reading a different post to everyone else. There are so many red flags....moody, doesn't get you, having to work on being more tolerant, selfish, doesn't take you into account in his plans....

I'm struck by your description of how your friends find him. I knew a guy like this once. (incidentally, you/he don't live in the Northeast, do you?).

On the surface, this guy was an asshole. Nobody likes him. Clearly very intelligent, and raised with Olde Worlde manners, he could be charming, but he talked too much, to the exclusion of others getting in edgewise, etc. So he developed a bad rep amongst our group.

Once you got to know him a bit, he was nicer. He got more charming and inclusive. You felt you were lucky to be part of the Inner Circle of [name] and that felt special. It was easy to think he's just misunderstood: nobody sees The Real Him (like wot I can - I'm a bit of an acquired taste as well.) I was in a failing relationship, and needing to make my mental/emotional break.

I got to know him well enough to learn that, beneath that surface layer of Asshole, and that middle layer of Potential [to kid myself], there was a heart of solid-gold Asshole.

I didn't have Mumsnet in those days. Now I'd have the wisdom (even if only "on loan" from the wise women ) and the vocabulary to understand that he was just a selfish shit: he could be arsed to try only when he needed to. I might even apply words like abusive or narcissistic, although I didn't let him get that close to me that I can just pop out that diagnosis.

Your declarations of how you can't help but lurve him, well, sorry. That's not love. Deliberately choosing to be with somebody who makes you unhappy is self-flaggelation.

I do hope you wake up and enjoy your new life, your freedom.

You are talking as if it is up to you to choose to have a child or not. Actually it really might not happen for you now anyway. On that grounds alone I would caution against letting it become your heart's desire.