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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

confused.

83 replies

wellnamechanged · 23/08/2015 09:32

ive name changed for this thread.
im an old hand on here.

basically i need some advice though i think i already know the answer.

a year ago i met someone who i just totally fell for in a way that was new to me completely.
i was married. the strength of my feelings meant the only option for me was to end a very very long marriage and move into my own place. it was rash but the right thing totally. my children are adult.
the man i fell for wasnt so rash. he was in a long term relationship too, felt the same way though he took a lot longer to end his relationship. he is currently doing that and selling his house etc.
he was on/off more times than i care to count and was very conflicted though in the end he said he couldnt live without me and so ended his relationship as i said i would not be the other woman.
we are totally different personalities but i am in love with the man and there is nothing i can do to change how i feel.
when he sorts things we will be free to have a relationship. we both want that. His relationship wasnt good and he and his partner lived quite seperate lives.
he has no children and has made it clear that he would like to have a child with me.
the issue is that he isnt making plans with me. When his house sells he intends to get his own place and for me to keep mine on until we see if we could live together - all very sensible.
im not a youngster - time isnt on my side to have a child. i have two adult children already and i know what having a child means. he seems to have got caught up in the romance of the idea and while i would gladly try for a child with him his actions arent saying he wants that.
his plans are being made completely independently of me. he has basically said he will buy a house and i can move in to his house - nothing is being discussed or jointly planned.
under the circumstances i dont feel i can contemplate children without some commitment - and for me that means planning together. There is none of that.
i veer wildly between thinking bollocks, just go for it to whoa...to no way. He isnt making me feel secure. When i say this he says there is no need to feel that way. He has said he wouldnt feel trapped but he is a man who needs his own space and ive explained that would all go out of the window. this didnt phase him but he just doesnt seem committed. when ive said this i get nothing in response. He is selfish....he has only ever had himself to consider. i dont think he has a clue what he would be letting himself in for. He is intolerant and moody but that has never bothered me. i accept him totally for who he is though im not sure he feels the same - i know there are aspects of my personality that annoy him and he doesnt "get" me - he gets me wrong a lot of the time. It doesnt bother me. He is getting better at hearing me and being more tolerant.
i think to be in a position to consider this we would need to be planning together - jointly buying a house, planning together yet he seems to want to make all the decisions and for me to fall in with them.
he is also an oddball. i know this and i knew it all along. Not one of my friends can see what i see in him but of course i see a totally different side to him than they do. i am getting older and i know i have a very limited window of opportunity now if ever.
i feel he loves me. He just doesnt know how to be a couple. part of me thinks if we had a child he would fall in love with that child and things would naturally evolve.
part of me thinks im bonkers to even consider it. yet i know if i dont, and soon, thats that. i would do it more for him than for me - ive done it and brought up two wonderful people. id love another baby but equally i am enjoying my freedom now.

go on. give it to me straight. im so confused now i cant think straight.

OP posts:
wellnamechanged · 23/08/2015 11:24

read what i just put.

im not stupid.

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/08/2015 11:25

You hang on to this man, and I can already picture the many threads about this man in years to come. Sad

wellnamechanged · 23/08/2015 11:25

if i was just plain thick i wouldnt be even discussing this with strangers.
or would i.

OP posts:
wellnamechanged · 23/08/2015 11:26

going out now.
thank you for the input. its what i asked for and what i needed.

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/08/2015 11:27

It's not a matter of intelligence.

You said yourself you won't leave him. Yet the red flags are there.

What exactly do you want people to say?

Just to decide whether to have a child with him or not?

CalmYourselfTubbs · 23/08/2015 11:28

we're not here trying to throw a spanner in the works, OP.
you asked for advice and you have been given it truthfully.

good luck with whatever you decide. i just hope you come to your senses. before you do anything drastic.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 23/08/2015 11:29

Well good. If you're not stupid, don't have a baby with this man.

You already know the answer anyway.

Pickedmypoison · 23/08/2015 11:31

You say in your op that he is 'currently' ending his relationship and selling his house. Does that mean he is still living with his wife/partner?

Then he is talking about buying his own place. How long will all that take?

So you might live with him In his house one day. Where and when does the baby fit into this plan? And it's his plan not yours.

You are right when you say he is not as committed to this as you.

wannaBe · 23/08/2015 11:36

op, it is true that many people do realise that they're in the wrong relationship when they meet someone else, but invariably it is the meeting not the person which is the catelist for the ending of the relationship, and these further relationships rarely go on to become anything more.

It sounds as if this man may well have been in an unhappy relationship, and that meeting you was what triggered his decision to leave his marriage, however given that he doesn't want to make anything permanent with you yet suggests that now he has left his marriage he realises he is free to be on his own and to decide what he wants from life.

The line that "they don't see in him what I do" is the oldest cliche in the book. Yes he may have some redeeming features, but ultimately what you see in him is what you want to see, the man who makes you smile, who made you realise what has been wrong in your previous relationship, the man who "gets" you like no-one else, and all of those things may well be true, but what your friends are seeing is a man who has played both you and his wife for the past year, lying to you both, sneaking around to be with you while he decided whether or not to leave his wife, keeping you hanging on to make sure that you would still be around if he does leave, and making sure that you stay around in case he decides it's you after all.

Op you've never actually had a relationship with this man yet. All your encounters have been on stolen moments, based on infatuation and nothing else. You may love each other, but that won't be certain until you have actually been together as a couple, where you are free to be together.

Even if you had got together a year ago and were in a year-long stable relationship it would be too soon to have a baby. Bringing a baby in to a relationship which as yet doesn't actually exist would be insanity. If you wanted a baby you might as well just go to a sperm bank and find a suitable donor, but given you don't actually want a baby you should just enjoy your freedom.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 23/08/2015 11:47

wannaBe speaks a lot of sense.

As far as these other people not seeing what you do, it is also possible that you do not see what they do.

sofato5miles · 23/08/2015 11:53

I think it would really help you to read on the scientific effect that falling in love has on your brain. And what happens after 7 years or so.

How would your children feel about another baby? I know my brother and I hated it. And with good reason, as for us, it changed all family dynamics irrevocably. Though we are quite close to her.

sofato5miles · 23/08/2015 11:58

I'met not so judgey about the affair as if I was, my friends and family list would be decimated. However, I don'the think you are in a relationship that is baby safe yet at all but on the grip of dopamine.

BitOfFun · 23/08/2015 12:00

I'll preface this by emphasising that I'm says my this with love, but A BABY?!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Give your head a wobble. Is it not enough that he left? Jesus, honestly, I don't think you've ever had a worse idea, and we both know you've had a few humdingers. No, no, and thrice no.

BitOfFun · 23/08/2015 12:01

*saying

ClarissaAllbright · 23/08/2015 12:07

I know who you are as the story is always the same. As is my advice. Stop being so stupid and grow up a bit. You're acting like a 15 year old. Sorry I can't be more tactful about it but you really are just behaving like an idiot and it's embarrassing for you.

antimatter · 23/08/2015 12:24

i am also pretty sure that a child would be the making of him - did he say that by any chance?

That you (and the child) will be his saviours?

Yet he is not readu to commit - this isn't the egg and hen dillema.

First there needs to be commitment then if all goes well - a child.

Please read thread like this just to see how much more is it to think about when you letting yourself into new relationship. You haven't lived with him yet so yo udon't know his attitude towards finances and who is going to support you when you are looking after your child.

You've been "dating" this new chap just for 12 months, in that time you divorced your dh and settling into new routine. IMHO too soon to plan having kids with this new guy. He is too much of a gamble.

Jux · 23/08/2015 12:28

TBH it sounds like you've done his ex a favour. Lucky lady, she is.

BitOfFun · 23/08/2015 12:33

You missed much of your youth by sertling down before your really grown up. Don't miss your foxy middle age too by wrecking your body, health and sanity having a baby years past when your biology designed you to do it.

BitOfFun · 23/08/2015 12:34

God I'm cringing at 'your'. I wish we had an edit function. Autocucumber innit.

loveyoutothemoon · 23/08/2015 12:43

Are you sure he's going to leave her? Doesn't sound like it.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/08/2015 13:17

What I also worry about for you - suppose you 'don't' get pregnant? will he rush off and find a younger woman who can help him achieve this goal?

You're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself and the origins of this relationship were never auspicious, my other red flag leaping out here is that he can leave his ex-DW for you then he can leave you for someone else.

MrsSchadenfreude · 23/08/2015 13:27

There is a lot of really good advice on this thread. I'm just not sure you'll take any of it. I think you are looking for people to justify what you want to do (have a baby with an arsehole that no-one likes).

Funinthesun15 · 23/08/2015 13:32

he can leave his ex-DW for you then he can leave you for someone else.

Not sure this is the case here though as OP left her ex DH for home so that analogy can work both ways.

Funinthesun15 · 23/08/2015 13:34

*him

Jux · 23/08/2015 14:17

He sounds like a selfish autocratic man. That will mean he'll be a selfish autocratic partner, and then a selfish autocratic father.

Take your time over this. No matter whether he 'falls in love' with a baby or not, there really is no guarantee that it will be the making of him; that's an entirely romantic notion brought on by wishful thinking. It could equally easily be the ruination of all of you. Not worth the risk.

I know you don't want to hear all that, so for now, wait. Just wait. Make no decisions right now. Tell yourself that you're not in your right mind atm, and wait.

When he commits, when he is being the person you know he could be, then, and only then, think about a baby with him.