confused.

[wellnamechanged]

ive name changed for this thread.
im an old hand on here.

basically i need some advice though i think i already know the answer.

a year ago i met someone who i just totally fell for in a way that was new to me completely.
i was married. the strength of my feelings meant the only option for me was to end a very very long marriage and move into my own place. it was rash but the right thing totally. my children are adult.
the man i fell for wasnt so rash. he was in a long term relationship too, felt the same way though he took a lot longer to end his relationship. he is currently doing that and selling his house etc.
he was on/off more times than i care to count and was very conflicted though in the end he said he couldnt live without me and so ended his relationship as i said i would not be the other woman.
we are totally different personalities but i am in love with the man and there is nothing i can do to change how i feel.
when he sorts things we will be free to have a relationship. we both want that. His relationship wasnt good and he and his partner lived quite seperate lives.
he has no children and has made it clear that he would like to have a child with me.
the issue is that he isnt making plans with me. When his house sells he intends to get his own place and for me to keep mine on until we see if we could live together - all very sensible.
im not a youngster - time isnt on my side to have a child. i have two adult children already and i know what having a child means. he seems to have got caught up in the romance of the idea and while i would gladly try for a child with him his actions arent saying he wants that.
his plans are being made completely independently of me. he has basically said he will buy a house and i can move in to his house - nothing is being discussed or jointly planned.
under the circumstances i dont feel i can contemplate children without some commitment - and for me that means planning together. There is none of that.
i veer wildly between thinking bollocks, just go for it to whoa...to no way. He isnt making me feel secure. When i say this he says there is no need to feel that way. He has said he wouldnt feel trapped but he is a man who needs his own space and ive explained that would all go out of the window. this didnt phase him but he just doesnt seem committed. when ive said this i get nothing in response. He is selfish....he has only ever had himself to consider. i dont think he has a clue what he would be letting himself in for. He is intolerant and moody but that has never bothered me. i accept him totally for who he is though im not sure he feels the same - i know there are aspects of my personality that annoy him and he doesnt "get" me - he gets me wrong a lot of the time. It doesnt bother me. He is getting better at hearing me and being more tolerant.
i think to be in a position to consider this we would need to be planning together - jointly buying a house, planning together yet he seems to want to make all the decisions and for me to fall in with them.
he is also an oddball. i know this and i knew it all along. Not one of my friends can see what i see in him but of course i see a totally different side to him than they do. i am getting older and i know i have a very limited window of opportunity now if ever.
i feel he loves me. He just doesnt know how to be a couple. part of me thinks if we had a child he would fall in love with that child and things would naturally evolve.
part of me thinks im bonkers to even consider it. yet i know if i dont, and soon, thats that. i would do it more for him than for me - ive done it and brought up two wonderful people. id love another baby but equally i am enjoying my freedom now.

go on. give it to me straight. im so confused now i cant think straight.

Bloody hell. Give him what he wants??!!!

No, no, no that's not how it works. Not when what he wants is a brand new human being and isn't demonstrating the skills necessary to be a parent.

You are not a baby making machine! A baby isn't something one person gives to another.

You are enjoying your freedom we allknow wwho it will be doing the work if he doesn't 'get it'.

Sorry I must be missing something.

You said you didn't want to be the "OW" yet you started a relationship with a married man so you were the ow.

Do you know the real reason he has split up with his wife?

Just a thought but I assume his marriage was several years long so the subject of children must have been discussed between him and his dw. If they had decided to have dc (barring medical problems) they would probably have had them by now. As it stands it looks like they decided against it or he said no or she said no. Have you asked him why he has no dc with his dw.

Given his history do you know for certain he actually wants children or could he be stringing you along as he might of done with his wife.

You also had an affair whilst both involved with other people. That's a really great start to any relationship, isn't it?

^ completely right.

the only friends who know him dont really know him at all.....they are work colleagues. they see a totally different person to me.

my other friends havent met him but they know how ive been on an emotional roller coaster with him.

he does make me happy. he makes me laugh. he makes me feel loved in more ways than my dh did. he is just a more complex person than im used to.
there really are more pros than cons. its just so early to throw a baby into the mix and yet i know time isnt on my side if thats what he truly wants. i would love another child. but i also know it HAS to be right to even consider it.
i dont feel like weve have time to have any time together - and by the time we have it may well be too late so thats why i was considering it now.

i wish my heart would just tell me whether it would be ok or not but im so confused - my instincts are usually spot on but with this i feel clouded and unable to judge.

If you love him then be with each other, you don't really know each other yet though, be honest.
You never really know a person until you have lived with them and learn each other's flaws and annoying sides.
He was with the wrong person for too long by the sounds of it, he's let the years pass by without having children. Now he's sh*tting it because he's getting older. That's not your problem, you shouldn't have a baby with him because he wants one.
And tbh I think it would be very selfish to bring a baby into this relationship when it hasn't even really started yet. Live together and make sure he's committed 100% first! Give it a few years at least!

yes there were medical issues that prevented children. he wanted them.

Nope, I got that too, Summerlovin. But my post was long enough already.

moral issues aside - many many people realise they are with the wrong person only when meeting the right one.

i was in a relationship with the wrong person for almost 30 years. im not a serial philanderer. nor is he. similar story for him.

lots of background that im not going into here.

even though I'd love a baby dearly (having never had one) I'd think long and hard about it now if it was with someone unsuitable and who I had second doubts about.

The last 2 partners I was with separately who 'did' want children I realise now that for them/me it would have been a complete disaster, though at the time I would've had a baby.

You should think long and hard before even thinking about bringing a child into this mix.

Don't have a baby with him unless you're prepared to be a 40 something lone parent to a young child in the future. This relationship clearly meets a need in you and that might make it stay the distance- but put a baby in the mix and all his selfishness, 'set in his ways' making plans for me not we will bring you down and break you up.

Be content with what you have. And if he starts talking about a baby tell him why you are reticent! Maybe he will put his money where his mouth is and shape up unlikely

The idea of a relationship and the actual relationship need to be the same thing. IMHO the single biggest reason relationships fail is when the two don't match up. Now you're both single you need to work out if what you want and what he wants are the same. It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants yet, so you're gonna have to wait to find that out. However, I think you should make it clear right now what your conditions for having a child with him are. Then he can make his mind up what he wants to do. You're going to have to accept that this may just not work, and if it's not going to work you need to bring it to an end. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in a possibly-maybe relationship that never comes about.

jeez - you've got it bad, haven't you?
what you feel for him isn't really love but more infatuation.
that will wear off when you see him for what he really is.
i don't think he loves you.
and i don't think you'll ultimately be happy with him.
if you have a baby with him, expect and prepare to be left holding that baby when he fucks off.
this has car crash written all over it.
walk away.

op putting aside the (possible) red flags about the relationship full stop - I am struggling to see how you can consider bringing a new life into the world with somebody you don't even live with yet - and who is making no plans to commit himself to you.

I suppose the crunch is, how much do you want another child? And if you end up a single mother, bringing a child up who will probably be living with you until you are well into your 60's - how will you feel about that? And crucially, if it plays out that way, how will you feel about this 'oddball' having sole charge of your plb every other weekend when it's contact time?

Oh, where to start?

I think there are pretty good clues on how his marriage didn't work out.

i suppose im just very aware that i could give him what he wants
What about what you want?

A selfish, moody person, who wants his own space and house, and presumably life apart, doesn't "know how to be in a couple", but wants to have a child with you (or actually for you to worry about and him to play dad with).

Does he really get you, or is it wishful thinking on your part? Because everything else doesn't seem like he does get you or is concerned about what you want.

Ask yourself if the reason you don't want to leave him is because otherwise you'd be feeling a fool for having left your husband and for making the seemingly harsh decision of ending your marriage.

Would you still keep going if you were 20 and he wasn't the man you left your husband for?

If you were just with the wrong person, you should be able to leave this one too for what the relationship is right now.

My advice? Don't do it. I had a baby in my 40's with my husband of 11 years. I thought we had a well established, happy and secure marriage. He lasted two years. Had an affair and left me and our little boy. The situation I am in at this time of my life is an absolute total nightmare, not least financially. I think you'd be making a huge mistake.

And one last thing, as others have said, you do sound infatuated with him. But despite that, even you can see he is 'selfish'. I bet once the infatuation wears off (as it always does) you will find this trait much harder to live with.

A selfish person is not good father material, IMO.

i am sure he is what i want.

in my heart i am also pretty sure that a child would be the making of him.

im just not sure im willing to take that gamble. im not stupid and thats why ive not rushed headlong into this.

much more talking to be done.

you say you're sure that a child would be the making of him. then you say you're not sure if you're willing to take that gamble.
you're contradicting yourself.

why would having a baby make this relationship better?
to be honest, it sounds like you're hanging on to him tooth and nail.
he knows this.
you're placing all your hopes and dreams for the rest of your life in this man who has made no real commitment to you.
i have seen this kind of thing time and time again and it never ends well.

I've never believed a child can be 'the making' of someone, personally.

A child is hard work and can bring out the worst (as well as the best) in a person. A child will also force open any little cracks in a relationship - do you think yours could take that?

I have to say you sound as if you see a baby as a way of getting something more out of this man, or making him a better person, IMO, rather than something you really want.

i arent sure enough calm

thats why ive not gone ahead.

Noooo. A child is a massive strain on a relationship and I think the notion a child would be the making of him - it's magical thinking.

Fgs go in with your eyes open. Assume he will not change at all. Will you be happy like that, with him as he is, plus the demands of a child? Reality as opposed to what could happen.

i am sure he is what i want.

Sure, but is he want you need? Or is he good for you at all?

truly i know that iusedtobeapenguin

ive dont it. the sad thing is that the kids are what held me and dh together - they didnt drive us apart. i hung on tooth and nail for them. i wont repeat those mistakes for anyone. my kids are adult but even now they are caught in the middle of my split from dh in ways i didnt even imagine.

i wont be having any more children lightly. thats for sure. my kids are and always have been my life.

in my heart i am also pretty sure that a child would be the making of him

Fucking Hell.

You know I read thread after thread on here where I just despair.

This attitude is worrying, problematic, naive and just wrong in women in their 20s.

But it's so ridiculous in a woman in her 40s. I just cannot comprehend an intelligent, experienced adult thinking like this.