ADVICE needed from Ladies (married or not)

[paul001]

Hello, new user so please be gentle with me. I'd like to ask for some advice with yourselves...

Here's the situation: Wife (37) and myself (46) have been married for nearly 14 years, have two sons (16 & 11), both work, and dare I say it happy in all respects. Approx 8 years ago, for various reasons, our sexlife was not quite what we both wanted, but over the years, we've worked, discussed and communicated to where we are now which is both happy and fulfilling.

We've discussed the usual fantasy kind of thing but not really acted on it, more of a pre-curser and fun to chat/discuss these things... nothing weird, just the usual. One thing is wife rarely (if ever) tells me hers...

Now a few weeks ago, during an 'encounter' I asked the usual about her fantasies and she initially wouldn't, but then mentioned a fantasy were she wants to have a one night stand with a stranger. Initially she thought I'd hate her for this, which I obviously do NOT.

A day or two later we discussed this further. And then after I'd thought it through over a few weeks, I decided that we'd talk more - I should note that wife has never done this before, even before we met - she's only ever had two relationships, her ex and me. After talking, I've told her I'd be ok with it - as long as she follows just a couple of rules. 1. Safe sex (ALWAYS). 2 She does NOT stay the night, and 3. She tells me about it (NOT Details). I even bought a small pack of condoms as a physical gesture so she knows I am serious.

Now the problem, last night she comes home and is in a bad mood, I ask her why and she just says because she is. As I gently push, she mentioned it's because of all this and that it's really messed her head up and she's re-thinking her entire life.

Questions:

1. Have I done something so wrong it will ruin us?
2. Have I gone a bit far in buying the condoms?
3. Have I handled this all wrong?

I think (and I believe she does also), we have a VERY strong relationship, but I am worried I may have harmed this.

ANY and ALL advice would be greatly appreciated

A fantasy is meant to be imagination only no?

Are you wanting her to actually have a one night stand, if so, yes you did go too far, why would you even want her to do that, unless of course, you want an open marriage where you can do the same?

I'm not a lady; would you like advice from a woman?

Maybe she thinks you are pushing her into this. Buy 'allowing' her to do it and buying condoms could make her think you don't care? Maybe her real fantasy is you reacting to her fantasy by acting out in a jealous rage?
Maybe she wants you to be a 'pretend' one night stand. Role play and all that?
(My fantasies are all about cake....)

She expressed a fantasy
now she is feeling pushed into acting it out
She (probably) does not want to
She feels you don't value the exclusive nature of the sexual relationship of your marriage
She is worried that you want to "play away" too
She feels unsafe and insecure

just guessing

the trouble is if you really are ok with this then she may feel that you are not the man she thought you are...

would you REALLY be ok with your wife having a ONS?

1. Hope not but possibly
2. definitely
3. Yes

It's not that I want her to have this one night stand, I want her to understand that if she feels she needs to do this then she has my full support and understanding. I agree that the fantasy is all about imagination, but as her past has not been as colourful as most and I just wanted her to know that if she wants to then she has my support.

That does help in that maybe she feels pushed - which is certainly NOT what I intended - perhaps the pack of three was a step too far.

I'd like advice from you ALL...

You do realise that most people don't want their fantasies to come true don't you? I fantasise about things I would never really want to do IRL. I'm not alone in this.

Your problem is that you assumed her fantasy was something she was keen to act on IRL and then pushed her into carrying it out (you purchased condoms FGS!)

BTW, I'm a woman not a lady and would like to be addressed as such. Cheers.

She mentioned a fantasy would be having a one night stand with a stranger. She didn't say behind your back or whilst you are married.

You have now approached her with condoms telling her she can do it!!

She clearly thinks you don't care about her or who she sleeps with. I would be mortified if I was her

I'd like advice from you ALL...

How many registered users on MN?

You've forced a fantasy out of her, then patted her on her little lady head and told her to go away and make it real, thus negating 14 years of presumed fidelity.

That's just weird.

But you were the one pressing her to express her fantasy (sex) life...it does not really sound like she wanted to share it but did after pressure and in the safe place of "bed". Now her fantasy is splashed all over her real life (and the internet). I'd be guessing she feels violated and confused.

as someone who has a "less colourful past" perhaps that is because it is what she chose and that should be just fine with you.

I suggest you back down as far as you possibly can, apologise profusely and hope you can regain an amount of trust and care.

Most fantasies are designed to be confined to the bedroom.

Some fantasies (let's say, having sex in the car, or in a field) can be enacted with very little risk.

However others - like this one - expose your wife, particularly, to a high level of risk. Seeking out a stranger for a ONS is a high risk activity.

From her reaction, I think she expected this fantasy to stay in the bedroom only - your bedroom!

I also think she may feel hurt that you would be so totally cool with her going off and banging some random. She may also worry that you have said you were okay with it because you want to go out and bang other women.

I think you should apologise to her and say that you would never pressure her to do anything she wouldn't want.

If she wants to live out this fantasy, roleplay it between yourselves only. Arrange to meet at a bar and pretend you're strangers.

If, further down the line you want to have a conversation about cuckolding or hot-wives (which I'm kind of suspecting, judging by the enthusiasm with which you greeted the fantasy) then you need to have an honest conversation about that, when you are not in bed and horny.

I agree with everyone else. In the past if you've explored fantasies together I assume you've just done that between the two of you, that would feel safe to her.

But a fantasy turning to reality of acting on something with someone outside of your marriage could feel very unsafe to her. She's probably feeling insecure that you're keen to allow her to follow thing through, she may feel undervalued by you.
Doing something out of the marriage is a WHOLE different ball game. And she knows this.

I also second the role play idea. Perhaps she was hoping that is how this particular fantasy could have played out

I bet she's glad she didn't tell you she'd fantasised about shagging an entire football team.

The poor woman would probably have come home to find Grimsby FC and a pallet of condoms in her bedroom.

In answer to your questions though:

1. Possibly 2)Yes. 3)Absolutely.

The poor woman. Agree with LonnyVonny said. In spades!!!

And ROFL at BertPuttocks comment about footie team

1. Possibly.
2. Just a tiny bit, yes
3. Spectacularly. My god...

As numerous posters above have said, it's a fantasy. It's one thing idly saying you'd love to take a trip to somewhere exotic one day and another thing entirely to come home, find the house sold, your bags packed and the tickets bought...

I suggest you apologise profusely, acknowledge you went much, much too far and then ruminate on the differences between fantasy and reality.

On a more serious note, are you one of those fellas who, when your wife comes to you with an issue, instantly gives a solution? Let me give you a tip: unless the issue is 'x is broken, where did you put the gaffa tape?" Then often what's needed is for you to listen, acknowledge and sympathise. not spring into action.

Bert

I'd like advice from you ALL...

Bit creepy. You'll be asking for our fantasies next. ALL of them.

1. Possibly
2. Yes
3. Definitely.

You really cocked this up, mate. (No, I'm not ladylike.) What on earth possessed you to think fantasy = desperate to do in real life? I have fantasies about deep-sea diving. Fact is, I've got crap sinuses and deep diving would be agony. In fantasy, of course, it's all lovely and the water's warm.

Did you even encourage her to talk about the details of this fantasy? Was it a suave businessman at a hotel bar? A cheeky workman with big muscles? Did it happen all of a sudden or was it a subtle seduction?

For god's sake man, you've just gone "OK, here's some equipment. Go and use some bloke you've never met for a quick shag." Why the hell would she want to do that?

You've basically told her to go off & be someone entirely different than she is, and told her to be unfaithful. I should think she now feels her marriage is a complete sham.

You have a great deal of apologising to do.

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes

(But then again most of us aren't Ladies )

This is a very dangerous road to go down... you are setting a precedent for God knows what in the future.

I would say take control of the situation now and tell her you think it's a bad idea; however acting the fantasy out via role play with you as the 'stranger' could rescue the situation and be very exciting for both of you.

Good luck.

She discussed a private fantasy with you and now you've micro managed it and bought her the condoms?

Well, she couldn't possibly be trusted to buy her own condoms could she Walter, not if she's a lady.