ADVICE needed from Ladies (married or not)

[paul001]

Hello, new user so please be gentle with me. I'd like to ask for some advice with yourselves...

Here's the situation: Wife (37) and myself (46) have been married for nearly 14 years, have two sons (16 & 11), both work, and dare I say it happy in all respects. Approx 8 years ago, for various reasons, our sexlife was not quite what we both wanted, but over the years, we've worked, discussed and communicated to where we are now which is both happy and fulfilling.

We've discussed the usual fantasy kind of thing but not really acted on it, more of a pre-curser and fun to chat/discuss these things... nothing weird, just the usual. One thing is wife rarely (if ever) tells me hers...

Now a few weeks ago, during an 'encounter' I asked the usual about her fantasies and she initially wouldn't, but then mentioned a fantasy were she wants to have a one night stand with a stranger. Initially she thought I'd hate her for this, which I obviously do NOT.

A day or two later we discussed this further. And then after I'd thought it through over a few weeks, I decided that we'd talk more - I should note that wife has never done this before, even before we met - she's only ever had two relationships, her ex and me. After talking, I've told her I'd be ok with it - as long as she follows just a couple of rules. 1. Safe sex (ALWAYS). 2 She does NOT stay the night, and 3. She tells me about it (NOT Details). I even bought a small pack of condoms as a physical gesture so she knows I am serious.

Now the problem, last night she comes home and is in a bad mood, I ask her why and she just says because she is. As I gently push, she mentioned it's because of all this and that it's really messed her head up and she's re-thinking her entire life.

Questions:

1. Have I done something so wrong it will ruin us?
2. Have I gone a bit far in buying the condoms?
3. Have I handled this all wrong?

I think (and I believe she does also), we have a VERY strong relationship, but I am worried I may have harmed this.

ANY and ALL advice would be greatly appreciated

Is this anything to do with the hacking of MNet?

A lot of strange new male posters in the week after we've had a major hacking incident.

Co-incidence?

Or invasion of the twats?

I have never before seen such a horrible bunch of replies on my

invasion of the twats. That hits the nail on the knob

Posted too soon... OP , you actually sound lovely and trying so hard to do the right thing but sadly getting it wrong. The thing is with women's fantasies is that mostly, they are just that, fantasies, and the thought of turning them in to reality is mortifying.!! Most women like to fantasise about all kinds of stuff but in RL just want the man they love... And as for all the ' ladies' stuff. Most non vipers know you were just trying to be polite but sadly on mumsnet it's taken as an insult. (Just so you know) but I for one took it like you intended. Try and explain that you thought you were trying to fulfill her desires but got it wrong and actually love the bones of her.!

Haven't read the thread just op but it has disaster written all over it. Why not just roleplay if she's up for it?

Same style as the wedding dress fantasist. Just saying...

Wedding dress fantasist?

MN was hacked? I couldn't get on earlier but thought they were updating stuff?

That was my next question empress...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2451655-Site-attacks-hackergate-and-resetting-passwords-heres-what-we-know-what-were-doing-about-it-and-what-we-think-you-should-do-PLEASE-READ

Have rtft now, defo sounds like op wants to push his oh into a ons so he can rush out and do the same. Because he was sooo understanding about her needs, she should accept his. Or it is indeed another wedding dress fiasco.

Purple and I both want a link to the wedding dress thread!

And the OP's posts make him sound either naive or pervy.

I think it was discussed on the thread that op was a troll, and reported, then they deleted it (confirmed troll).

Is there not just a thread to discuss all the other threads that go poof? Instead of lots of random threads about threads.

If op doesn't come back or thread gets deleted, we'll know. It's the ones that run for pages and pages before anyone catches on that are the worst. With the wedding dress thread, op finally revealed ow had worn her wedding dress while shagging her dh in their bed deleted soon after.

blimey
never ask for advice on a subject like this from MNers
get over yourselves ladies

Think most of us are imagining how it would feel if our dh/dp randomly suggested we fuck a stranger, after we had admitted to having the odd fantasy about having a ons. Fantasy being the important word. Then imaging it being brought up again and maybe again.

It would feel pretty shit tbh. I would be quite upset by it. I want dp and I to be faithful to each other. I would wonder did he want to fuck strangers? Dp likes school uniform (think upper sixth st trinians girls cliche, not 11 years olds in baggy jumpers). I'm fine with him having his own fantasy. But wouldn't be so happy with him fucking random school girls. Even if they are legal, but maybe that just makes me narrow minded.

Has your oh ever shown an interest in having an open relationship? (Which is where this is going?).

Last comment directed at op obviously

So many replies and mostly not really of a helpful nature.

OK, I've done something very stupid, but coming on here to ask for advice and dare I say a little help isn't what "Mumsnet" is for.

NO, I am NOT guilty, nor do I have anything to feel guilty about in my past. Nor am I using this as a way to open the door to an open relationship. I honestly thought I was being open and understanding of her deep rooted desires and my open wish for her to explore that with my support and understanding.

Inside some of all these messages is the message that I've not thought about this deeply enough and perhaps her sharing this was just a thought and not something to be acted upon - that I take and have to consider I jumped the gun FAR FAR too quickly without consideration of her feelings.

Only one user "Kittensinmydinner" - thank you for your kind words and helpful advice.

As for me being a troll or similar after your recent hack. Sorry to say I am not, but also sad that I am considered that due to a non-reply for less than 24 hours.

I guess Mumsnet isn't quite what I thought it was and I'll read replies and visit occasionally, but won't be inputting anything again.

We do get some slightly odd looking threads started by men, and they are sometimes just out to provoke. Usually they don't return to the thread.

She might want to act on it - but with you as The Stranger. You could set it up together, before you go into role play mode. Arrange a time she'll be in a bar (or somewhere), you then go in as The Stranger, chat her up and take her home.

(Re Ladies - I have no problem with this - I was once at a conference where the speaker took a question from "the lady over there" - who began by tearing him off a strip for calling her a lady. She didn't specify what he should have said instead. "The woman over there" doesn't always sound right.)

I would assume that you are the one who is gaining some enjoyment from the idea of your wife having a one-night stand. You pushed her into revealing a fantasy; she wasn't even keen to do so. You then completely misunderstood her by assuming she'd actually like to do it. You then showed her that all her years of fidelity mean nothing to you by encouraging her to go out and sleep with another man. It's not even terribly safe - where are your natural feelings of protectiveness towards her. It could also be a bit of a sexual turn-off for her to find you have no instinctive jealousy towards her sleeping with other men.

My hunch would be that the most damaging aspect of all this for your relationship is the insinuation that she must be a bit unfulfilled because of her dull sex life up to now. She may not have felt remotely boring or inexperienced, yet you've made it clear that her life experience is inadequate in your eyes.

At this point, in her shoes, I'd be looking at married life thinking 'What's the point?'.

I could certainly never be with someone so patronising.

You've had plenty of useful replies in between the troll hunting as far as I can see. Interesting you picked kittensinmydinner when she was mostly just blowing smoke up your arse!

For future reference, you don't need to be polite on MN or to women generally just because they are women and a lot of women object to being called 'ladies' because it implies sexist views.

TBH I think my post was pretty helpful.

You need to work on improving your communication skills. You need to back off a bit and stop seeing sex as goal orientated. You need to come off mumsnet and talk to your wife then really listen to what she says.

The lesson is don't assume things. ASK your wife how she feels, LISTEN to what she says.