ADVICE needed from Ladies (married or not)

[paul001]

Hello, new user so please be gentle with me. I'd like to ask for some advice with yourselves...

Here's the situation: Wife (37) and myself (46) have been married for nearly 14 years, have two sons (16 & 11), both work, and dare I say it happy in all respects. Approx 8 years ago, for various reasons, our sexlife was not quite what we both wanted, but over the years, we've worked, discussed and communicated to where we are now which is both happy and fulfilling.

We've discussed the usual fantasy kind of thing but not really acted on it, more of a pre-curser and fun to chat/discuss these things... nothing weird, just the usual. One thing is wife rarely (if ever) tells me hers...

Now a few weeks ago, during an 'encounter' I asked the usual about her fantasies and she initially wouldn't, but then mentioned a fantasy were she wants to have a one night stand with a stranger. Initially she thought I'd hate her for this, which I obviously do NOT.

A day or two later we discussed this further. And then after I'd thought it through over a few weeks, I decided that we'd talk more - I should note that wife has never done this before, even before we met - she's only ever had two relationships, her ex and me. After talking, I've told her I'd be ok with it - as long as she follows just a couple of rules. 1. Safe sex (ALWAYS). 2 She does NOT stay the night, and 3. She tells me about it (NOT Details). I even bought a small pack of condoms as a physical gesture so she knows I am serious.

Now the problem, last night she comes home and is in a bad mood, I ask her why and she just says because she is. As I gently push, she mentioned it's because of all this and that it's really messed her head up and she's re-thinking her entire life.

Questions:

1. Have I done something so wrong it will ruin us?
2. Have I gone a bit far in buying the condoms?
3. Have I handled this all wrong?

I think (and I believe she does also), we have a VERY strong relationship, but I am worried I may have harmed this.

ANY and ALL advice would be greatly appreciated

If my husband gave me a pack of condoms for a ons I would be upset. She shared a fantasy that's it a fantasy,.. Bit like the celebs I can sleep with.

Evidently not! The shame of even asking for them!

So you basically nagged a sexual fantasy out of your wife. Practically kicked her out the door with 3 condoms telling her to have a wonderful time.

If that was my husband, I would be bloody gutted.

As a PP said, you have micro managed her fantasy.

It would make me feel very insecure and also thinking you could possibly want to do the same.

Not surprised she's confused and upset.

You say you have a strong marriage but you want to jeopardise it for .........fun? out of boredom?

If you're bored go abseiling or pot holing or zip wiring or something. Grow up?!

Isn't any Lady here going to tell the OP her rudest fantasy? :(
Poor OP.

no no no no no! It's a fantasy - something to think about but not to do! discussing fantasies is hugely delicate and a massive act of trust - you have to trust the person you tell to understand you don't actually want to do it, just to think about it!

Apologise, buy her flowers/chocolates/diamonds, and never never never mention it again.

My thoughts exactly, Garlick

The ca said "there's rob demonstrating the old adage that attack is the best form of defence. Tomorrow pip is there for Ruth and Helen is understanding. Though I'm sure we all wish she wouldn't be."

I'm so sorry. I thought I was on the archers thread!

Though maybe that is good advice for the op in some way!

What?

Oh I see. I thought it was some kind of swingers' code

Swinging Archers - please god no. Doesn't bear thinking about.

BOOP!

Lol to swinging Archers!

OP I highly doubt your poor wife actually wants a ONS.

Maybe you could spice things up a bit by arranging to "meet" somewhere (perhaps book a hotel room?) And have a "ONS" with each other instead of suggesting she does it with a stranger!

God, if my DH said I "could have" a ONS and even provided the condoms I'd be really upset. If you want an open marriage, talk about that. Don't try to trick her into being unfaithful so it's not your fault. Despicable.

:o at the Archers.

What you've effectively told your wife is that you don't care about her fidelity. Easy enough for her to then start wondering about your fidelity. You've moved an intimate loving relationship between 2 people into some sordid fair game for anyone thing. She didn't want to tell you her fantasy, but you pushed it and now you might as well have just said "I care little enough about you that you can have sex with anyone and I don't mind". No wonder she's in a mess.

It's the other way around, but an ex-boyfriend of mine from a long term relationship I had back in my 20s told me once that he had a fantasy of me with another bloke. I said that's nice dear. He certainly didn't go off and buy me condoms! (Would've got a kick in the nads if he had.)

This has all gone horribly wrong for you hasn't it. If indeed this is real and not a wind up.

If it were ny dh I would question why he was so happy to let me do it, guilty conscience? Or as leverage so he could also sleep with somebody else.

Oh that would be very befuddling. Poor woman. Apart from all the feelings of rejection and confusion you've managed to create, you'll have planted the worry that you act on your fantasies and frightened her off ever sharing fantasy stuff with you again.

1. Possibly but hopefully not.
2. Definitely yes
3. Yes

You are not communicating properly with your wife and this post is more of that. You have been barraging her with your fantasies and pressuring for one of hers as a solution to a problem with sex/intimacy. She reluctantly shares one and without speaking to her or understanding what it even really is about or means you've taken it upon yourself to impose yourself on her fantasy world by assuming you know what she wants. Now you are asking strangers on the internet what you've done wrong.

FGS man, effective communication requires active listening as well as talking and sensitivity to other people's feelings!

If I had to guess your sex life probably went wrong because you don't understand how to communicate (either just you or both of you). 'Spicing things up' will not bring you closer together or fix that problem. It will just give you an empty imitation of the real thing.

Another vanishing OP. Surprise surprise

fred I think he wanted MN to pat him on the back for his "open mindedness". He didn't get that, so I'd be surprised if he bothers to respond.

There seem to have been rather a lot of 'unusual' vanishing male op's around over the past couple of days...

Yes. Someone needs to get out more...

There seem to have been rather a lot of 'unusual' vanishing male op's around over the past couple of days...

...with unimaginative "name-followed-by-number" nicknames.