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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby not loving the pregnant bod

113 replies

Bluewombler2k · 17/08/2015 14:59

Probably not a biggy in the scheme of things but I'm 29 weeks pregnant and dh told me last night that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We'd had a semi romantic night as my son was with his dad elsewhere, had a bath together and chilled out after chatting. Eventually went to bed, and I was thought, 'hey, we're going to dtd, that will be nice' but he just laid there. Asked him what was wrong and he told me he just didn't feel like doing it. I asked him if he still fancied me and he said no, I felt gutted and completely crap, but he just turned over and went to sleep.
I think my question is, do I just ignore what he said and put it down to me being pregnant and it making him feel a bit funny about sex, or am I right to be worried that this could be a real issue? I honestly feel absolutely gutted and ugly now, but don't want to spend the next 4 months stressing about it if the general consensus is it's just him reacting to my pregnancy and others have been through this before and then it was all back to normal after having their babies? Thanks in advance, any advice would be gratefully recieved!

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 18/08/2015 19:09

Blue

No it doesn't, I can understand why you are feeling so hurt

paxtecum · 18/08/2015 20:58

Christina: op's DH may well think every inch of her pregnant body is beautiful, but he may not find her pregnant body sexually arousing.

TenForward82 · 18/08/2015 21:01

pax If he did think that, it would have been a good conversation starter, don't you think? Or even something worth bring up since, rather than "you're taking things the wrong way"?

He's a twat.

Christinayanglah · 18/08/2015 21:19

Pax

I didn't say he had to find her body sexually attractive but neither should he make her feel bad and ignore her requests to talk about it

Saying " I don't fancy you" is hurtful , she is pregnant with his child

Original poster
Bluewombler2k · 19/08/2015 08:06

So after another night of him now saying that he was answering a different question and refusing to discuss anything full stop (wall comes down, sits there sighing, and at one point sitting there with his eyes closed as if asleep), and taking myself off to bed early to stop me exploding with his standoffishness it's looking like I will never know exactly what's going on. All I wanted was some sort of chat and then to move on, but he just seems incapable of this.
Not sure what to do really, not going to split up with him over it but I still think he could at least clear up any 'misunderstanding' on his part about how he actually feels as I am none the wiser. Not sure what to do, as I said before I don't want a massive week long row, but I am fed up of him shutting down and refusing to talk so the only option I have left is to let whatever the problem is, go!

OP posts:
stevienickstophat · 19/08/2015 08:27

Do you know, OP, you sound really cool. Far too cool for the manchild you live with.

Does he realise how lucky he is? Do you?

Christinayanglah · 19/08/2015 08:32

Blue

This isn't good,even if he can't get it, he should understand that you are upset and talk to you about it

He seems very dismissive

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/08/2015 09:57

What an unkind, hurtful thing to say, made worse by rolling over and blanking you.
If he always clams up when challenging things arise you must find it infuriating and a big hurdle.

The fact that he doesn’t find you attractive at present is his issue not yours but you have tried to open up a conversation. I would leave it for now as he is so resistant to talking but I'd make sure DS will be getting the majority of cuddles and sweet words if DP is acting so off.

Btw if he rejects the idea "love transcends the purely physical" he's stupid not to look in the mirror and realise he is gradually changing physically too and he's not the one who's pregnant.

designedbynature · 19/08/2015 11:35

I have a male friend who couldn't have sex the whole time his wife was pregnant, he really worried about harming the baby! Drove her insane.

Another friend's husband got scared as the bump grew and didn't DTD after about 4 months, there is some views that it is primal, i.e. you are pregnant so not needing impregnating etc my DH wasn't bothered, did get a lot of oral though and we had a lot of sex around my due date.

However all of that said your DH's communication skills are dire, he is a shit for treating you like that last night and you should pull him up on it. Have a chat about it and if he doesn't want sex while you are pregnant try to accept it.

All of the lovely growth hormones going on in your body will make you beautiful and not all men feel like this, I got chatted up twice whilst pregnant!

Original poster
Bluewombler2k · 19/08/2015 14:00

Chatted up twice and copious oral? Lucky lady Designed haha, you must have suited that bump!! Thanks again for all of your support, not much I can do about his non-communication at the mo, but whilst he's at work today and ds is at the childminder's I am having a pamper myself/lazy day in front of the iplayer. In fact, sitting here having a pathetic sob at Doctors (Doctors, of all programmes) but at least it's getting something out of my system!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluewombler2k · 19/08/2015 15:54

Gnh!!! Dh got home from work about 2 hours ago, after he'd chilled for a bit I asked him if he was ready to talk and he said 'there's nothing to talk about. I won't apologise when I have done nothing wrong and it's all in your head. I wasn't answering that question but was replying to something else so if you don't just let it go then that's your problem'. I told him that 'no, that wasn't enough, he hurt me with his coldness and avoiding it all for the last 3 days has just made things worse. You can't just dismiss my feelings because you don't want to deal with them and I deserve more than that'. He then told me to forget everything and that he wants to split up! This is what he would rather do than talk through something and sort it out???? Gobsmacked!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluewombler2k · 19/08/2015 15:56

Hmm, maybe it was a bit less than 2 hours ago but either way, twunt

OP posts:
FilbertSnood · 19/08/2015 16:10

He sounds delightful...

Are you ok OP?

FilbertSnood · 19/08/2015 16:11

And FWIW, it does rather sound like you would be best off without him.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 19/08/2015 16:11

He really is a total arsehole

BathtimeFunkster · 19/08/2015 16:17

He then told me to forget everything and that he wants to split up!

That's the nicest thing he's done for you since this started.

Accept it with gratitude.

StopLaughingDrRoss · 19/08/2015 16:31

Goodness - rather than actually talk to you about something he said, he'd rather be apart from his wife and DC? What an utter dick!

Do you have someone you can chat to in real life - maybe take you and DS off to for a couple of hours just to get out the house or something?

Mind boggles - Thanks

acatcalledjohn · 19/08/2015 16:32

Fucking hell. Been lurking since yesterday and am gobsmacked at today's turn of events.

Last night the non-pregnant me, who is a bit wobbly and not toned due to lack of exercise, got all in the mood for some fun. DP was up for it too. But then he pulls the blinder where he wobbles my wobbly bits and says: "Are you going to lose some of that?"

He didn't say it in a nasty way, but it was enough to turn me off.

I pointed this out, as well as how insensitive the comment is in light of me actually actively trying to lose weight at the moment.

He apologised.

I reckon your DP is trying to make you feel bad for 'pushing' him on this and that it will make you drop the subject in order to save the relationship.

That makes him a twunt of a rather high order.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/08/2015 16:42

There are lots of ways to respond to your partner wanting sex when you don't. A cuddle, a kiss, even some foreplay if it's a case of wanting to be close to them but the penis not cooperating. There is no need or excuse for turning over and saying 'no I do t fancy you'

AnyFucker · 19/08/2015 16:48

good god that is certainly some "communication problem" he's got going on there

spectacular dummy spitting

let him go....he's not fit to be a husband and father

Christinayanglah · 19/08/2015 16:59

There's something else going on here

Rarity08 · 19/08/2015 17:02

That's the impression I get Chris

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/08/2015 17:06

Just saw your update, what a tool he is, sorry OP. You are hardly going to get up with DS and go, at 29weeks, are you.

Original poster
Bluewombler2k · 19/08/2015 18:39

There really isn't anything else going on here. That was his response to trying to work through this and move on. He really is that shit at dealing with things

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/08/2015 18:40

You tolerate threats like that ? Why ?