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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hubby not loving the pregnant bod

113 replies

Bluewombler2k · 17/08/2015 14:59

Probably not a biggy in the scheme of things but I'm 29 weeks pregnant and dh told me last night that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We'd had a semi romantic night as my son was with his dad elsewhere, had a bath together and chilled out after chatting. Eventually went to bed, and I was thought, 'hey, we're going to dtd, that will be nice' but he just laid there. Asked him what was wrong and he told me he just didn't feel like doing it. I asked him if he still fancied me and he said no, I felt gutted and completely crap, but he just turned over and went to sleep.
I think my question is, do I just ignore what he said and put it down to me being pregnant and it making him feel a bit funny about sex, or am I right to be worried that this could be a real issue? I honestly feel absolutely gutted and ugly now, but don't want to spend the next 4 months stressing about it if the general consensus is it's just him reacting to my pregnancy and others have been through this before and then it was all back to normal after having their babies? Thanks in advance, any advice would be gratefully recieved!

OP posts:

ouryve · 17/08/2015 22:24

When he got together with you, married you, got you pregnant did it not ever occur to the pathetic arsehole that you would not look exactly the same forever? That your body would change? That there was a remote chance that change could be accelerated by an accident or illness? That you're not a fucking blow up doll?

kittensinmydinner · 17/08/2015 22:40

Sorry but I just don't get the anger here ! If someone doesn't find something sexually attractive should they pretend they do ? For example, you don't find piercings/ tattoos /,obesity a turn on and your partner gains ten stone a face full of iron filings and ink work all over his body, should you be vilified because you don't fancy dtd with him ? No one can control what they fancy and what they don't and whilst a woman has the ability to fake it, a man cannot if the mechanics don't comply. The problem is with his inability to discuss his true feelings with you, but then again who wants to tell the woman they love they can't ? It's a no win situation .

Lightbulbon · 17/08/2015 22:55

What an arse!

Sounds like he's got that Madonna/Whore thing going on with his perception of women which really isn't a good sign.

As for your body going back to how it was- do you both relies that this isn't altogether realistic?

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 17/08/2015 23:09

Well I'm aware of this possibility yes, I said earlier that I already have a 6 yr old ds and seriously doubt my bodies elasticity will have improved with age, nearly 40 so no, I don't have unrealistic expectations about returning to my old size 8. I am quite happy to accept that I may have to get a whole new wardrobe.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 18/08/2015 01:19

kitten If that person was half responsible for those tattoos, piercings, weight gain, etc and in actuality, was in on the plan for me to get those things, and had a good idea what they'd look like, then YES, they should be vilified if they then turned around and said "Gee, I guess I don't fancy you now you've got all those."! In that case, the least the partner could do would be to keep their mouth shut or tell a little white lie.

I'm presuming, go course, that DH was in on the planning for the coming child and was happy to get OP pregnant. And that he'd seen a pregnant woman before.

Blue your DH was an arse to say that to you. And you can tell him that 99.99% of MN thinks so, too!

Kintsugi · 18/08/2015 07:18

Is he awful? Or is he inarticulate?
He gave short answers to complex and difficult questions..
Now if I was projecting I would say that whilst I was pregnant I would open up the start of difficult conversations to which my husband could give no correct or reasonable answer I would have listened to , because I was about as receptive to his side of any debate as a rabid honey badger.
He would look panicked and start offering to go out..to buy me treats..sometimes in the middle of the night..just to have an excuse not to have whatever "conversation" I decided to wake him up for because it was so important...
Having said that
If he is usually erudite then he is being a knob
If he has difficulty articulating his feelings normally...then your expectations have become skewed to think it is going to be different on this issue and his feelings maybe both deep, complex and VERY badly expressed

paxtecum · 18/08/2015 07:40

But you asked and he answered truthfully.
The bloke with a disabled child on another thread is getting slated for putting off answering truthfully.

Maybe your DH doesn't fancy you because you have a baby inside you, not because you are no longer slim.
Maybe, as others have said, he doesn't want to have sex so close to a baby.

desertmum · 18/08/2015 08:04

My husband went off sex when I was pregnant with our two - he found the whole large bump that moves thing off putting and unattractive. He is a good man, an awesome father, a fabulous husband. It was difficult at the time, but that is how he felt and we got through it. I think a lot of men don't find pregnant women attractive, but talk about 'not wanting to hurt the baby' type stuff rather than 'I don't find you attractive at this moment' - which is more acceptable.

Talk to him about it, I am sure that if he knows what he said hurt you he will be mortified. We all say stupid stuff at times and this was perhaps one of his times. It was tactless and thoughtless, but doesn't have to be the end of what is otherwise, hopefully, a good and loving relationship.

and congratulations on your pregnancy = and I hope you can talk with him about this and get through it.

VoyageOfDad · 18/08/2015 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 18/08/2015 08:48

I think there are very likely reasons beyond, to channel the zeitgeist of the thread.... being a cunt.

The option to deal with your feelings in a loving and sensitive way exists. Choosing not to do that does mark you out.

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 18/08/2015 09:06

It's ok if he doesn't find me as attractive with my pregnant belly, I also don't think it's that I don't look the same as before, he's not that shallow. It's the way he dealt with it, it was massively insensitive and then refusing to discuss his reasons and just leaving it hanging in the air that is crap. He still won't talk about it and just says it's my fault for taking it the wrong way (!). I can't just forget he said it but also don't want to turn this into a huge row but I think some recognition of his crapness in dealing with it is needed.

OP posts:

Twentyninedays · 18/08/2015 09:20

He is in the wrong and is turning it in you. Not a good sign. It isn't nice that he doesn't find your pregnant body attractive but it is separately just as bad that he is now blaming you for raising it. That's two bad signs, and they are related.

I also think you are shifting a bit to accommodate him, to be honest.

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 18/08/2015 09:42

You might be right Twenty. I just don't want this dragging on for days and the only way to do this is to let it go, but the other part of me thinks I should be owed an explanation or something. V frustrating. Good job I have my ds to keep entertained otherwise I would be stewing on it more than I am already! Al of these replies really have helped me to put things into perspective and at least I know it's not just me being precious, even if it does highlight that is an uncommunicative arse who doesn't deal with things very well!

OP posts:

Skiptonlass · 18/08/2015 12:47

All the physical changes in pregnancy can be a bit odd - my dh is terrified of hurting the baby, even though we both know that's impossible. He's also scared of hurting me, as I've got horrific spd and my pelvis just wants to be wrapped in cotton wool, not rogered senseless...

However, because he's not an arse, we've talked about it lots and he I think (like me) finds my pregnant body fascinating and rather lovely.

bluewombler I'm assuming your husband is a shining Adonis amongst men, with no physical defects, no strange 40 plus patches of hair, no bald bits etc? No..?

It's horrible that he's being This way with you - he's sulking because his nice size 8 wife isn't in shape for his gratification? Well sod that! We age, we get pregnant, sometimes we are unfortunate enough to be badly injured or disabled. The point of being a loving couple is to overlook the temporary or unavoidable changes we go through (he put the flipping baby there in the first place!)

I think you do need to talk about this with him. You're not being precious - his response would have hurt me, for sure. It's one thing for a man to find a pregnant body different/not a massive turn on/slightly terrifying but it's another entirely to just say 'yuck' and reject you.

GraysAnalogy · 18/08/2015 12:49

He sounds like a dick but I do question why you asked a question you didn't want to hear a truthful answer to. We see it time and time again

Skiptonlass · 18/08/2015 12:58

Asking that question and getting a 'not attractive' followed by turning over and going to sleep is very different from asking, getting a straight answer and then discussing it.

One leaves you feeling horrible and rejected, while the other leaves you with an appreciation of how both partners feel and an opening for discussion.

If he doesn't find a pregnant body sexually attractive (and that's not something he has control over) then the correct response is,

"I love you but I'm definitely finding my libido is lower right now. I find the changes difficult/strange to deal with so let's talk about this..." Followed by cuddle and the reiteration that the partner is loved.

mummy0bummy · 18/08/2015 13:36

He still won't talk about it and just says it's my fault for taking it the wrong way (!)

And what, pray tell, does he think is the right way to take someone saying that they don't fancy you when pregnant with their baby, and then rolling over and going to sleep.

for you OP. He's being awful.

TenForward82 · 18/08/2015 16:24

All the holier-than-thous on here going "If you didn't want a truthful answer, why did you ask the question?" have clearly never asked a question in hopes of getting a positive answer. How lofty of you all.

As other more sensible people on here have commented, if he has fears about sex in pregnancy or is having other issues with your pregnant body, it's his responsibility to sensitively get those thoughts across to you while still emphasising that you are an amazing women doing an amazing thing and that 9 months of something similar would make him fall to his knees in despair (and don't get me started on what giving birth would do him). I'd lay it out for him that he really hurt your feelings, there is nothing wrong with your pregnant body, and he needs to clearly articulate what the issues are, rather than passive-aggressively blaming you for his poor soft cock. As others have said, his growing gut, moobs and baldness may not exactly get you wet, but he wouldn't be happy if you said that outright, would he?

GraysAnalogy · 18/08/2015 17:43

It doesn't matter what your hopes are, if you're going to get upset or cause an argument over someone giving a truthful answer to a question you've asked then perhaps it's not worth asking? Don't put someone in a position of having to lie to ensure your emotions stay positive - it's not fair.

That isn't to say it doesn't hurt, and that isn't to say that it couldn't have been phrased better, but the husband had two choices, 1. lie or 2. tell the truth. Can't win either way can he?

TenForward82 · 18/08/2015 17:54

I'm not sure anyone suggested he lie, except a white lie which we all tell. I'm not suggesting he lie. It's not unreasonable to suggest he tell the truth politely.

And I say again, have none of you EVER asked a positive/negative answer hoping for a positive answer? If you say no, I don't believe you, sorry.

This site would argue apples are oranges if only for the sheer unadulterated joy of being "right" on the internet.

GraysAnalogy · 18/08/2015 17:55

Of course, 'have i put weight on' being one of them. I hope for a no, but get a yes. If I can't accept the answer to a question I don't ask it. Like I said, don't ask some a question in which you only want a lie as an answer. It's not fair. You're forcing them to lie or upset you.

TenForward82 · 18/08/2015 18:01

Not sure why you're banging on about this. Just rescanned the thread and most people just say "he's a dick", NOT "he should have lied to you"

GraysAnalogy · 18/08/2015 18:27

I'm not banging on about anything, I'm replying to you.

Christinayanglah · 18/08/2015 18:42

He was cruel, he could have cuddled you, chatted etc and then talked about how he may have felt a bit strange about it

Is he always this insensitive? I have a skin condition that can sometimes leave scars on parts on my body, when I have sometimes been upset about this Dh has always said " you are gorgeous, every inch of you". I know it isn't true, but in his eyes it is and he does his best to make me feel gorgeous

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 18/08/2015 19:04

Grays The question wasn't pre-planned and thought out, it was a natural progression in the situation. I am allowed to ask that question, and being a yes or no answer doesn't negate his turning over, refusing to discuss it and just going to sleep.

OP posts:

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