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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hubby not loving the pregnant bod

113 replies

Bluewombler2k · 17/08/2015 14:59

Probably not a biggy in the scheme of things but I'm 29 weeks pregnant and dh told me last night that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We'd had a semi romantic night as my son was with his dad elsewhere, had a bath together and chilled out after chatting. Eventually went to bed, and I was thought, 'hey, we're going to dtd, that will be nice' but he just laid there. Asked him what was wrong and he told me he just didn't feel like doing it. I asked him if he still fancied me and he said no, I felt gutted and completely crap, but he just turned over and went to sleep.
I think my question is, do I just ignore what he said and put it down to me being pregnant and it making him feel a bit funny about sex, or am I right to be worried that this could be a real issue? I honestly feel absolutely gutted and ugly now, but don't want to spend the next 4 months stressing about it if the general consensus is it's just him reacting to my pregnancy and others have been through this before and then it was all back to normal after having their babies? Thanks in advance, any advice would be gratefully recieved!

OP posts:

lovemyboo · 17/08/2015 15:46

He is being a dick, esp telling you he doesn't fancy you. BUT my hubby struggled with sex during pregnancy cos he didn't like the idea of his willy being near the baby's head! Lol! Maybe that's what it is? Ask him, might help him to talk about it and perhaps you can try other ways of pleasuring each other... My libido went crazy during pregnancy so he had to do something.

Enjoy your cake, I'm off to get a cream doughnut too but only cos I've got terrible period pains so I deserve it too! Xx

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 15:50

OP, you'd better get right back into shape sharpish after the birth, hadn't you ?

Deeznutz · 17/08/2015 15:54

What a fecker. You should have told him that just because he isn't inclined it doesn't mean you don't have needs...... Then asked him what he was going to do about it,after all who cares if this little shit gets to blow his stack or not?

Personally I would have binned him off but then I'm a zero tolerance for cockends kind of woman.

Jan45 · 17/08/2015 15:55

So what happens when you don't lose the baby weight, grow older and have more wrinkles, greying, thinning hair, or god forbid, a serious medical condition.............will he be telling you then, I don't fancy you. I wouldn't fancy any man that uttered the words your OH did, what a complete turn off both sexually and emotionally.

urbinosparrot · 17/08/2015 15:55

That's awful, OP. Even if he feels like that, he shouldn't say so. It's pointlessly cruel, and after all, he is the cause of you being pregnant - the shape you are now is because of the miracle of a new life growing inside you which he put there. He sounds like a thoughtless dick, to be honest.

I have a friend whose DH is just the same. They have no sex from the fifth month of pregnancy, she makes sure she doesn't put on a pound more than necessary, and as soon as she has given birth she goes on a strict diet and exercises like a loon. She hesitated for a long time before having the second DC, as she is made to feel so shit when she's pregnant. She devotes most of her time (SAHM) to looking good for her DH. Seems like a very unequal relationship to me.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 16:07

my idea of hell

happymummyone · 17/08/2015 16:07

How horribly blunt of him! Just 'no'?

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 17/08/2015 16:09

I've always been a slim build and got my figure back after ds1 but he is now 6 and I am in my late 30s, so doubt that will happen again! Tbh, I never put him down as being shallow before but I guess he is, he doesn't expect me to look like a Stepford Wife - don't think I could even if I wanted to - or has ever made any crap comments about women's bodies before so it's never really been a problem. You're right though, even if he doesn't fancy me at the mo he should have told a white lie to not hurt my feelings but it's out now. I'm not one to watch my weight whilst pregnant and will eat pretty much anything that I am allowed in moderation so it won't stop me enjoying my grub, so there's no worries there! I've just got to try and figure out how to deal with his revelation and insensitiveness on a level that it doesn't completely depress the crap out of me that he feels that way and told me so!

OP posts:

Jan45 · 17/08/2015 16:42

Nah you just tell him you don't fancy him any more after that comment and make sure he gets it.

He must be pretty thick if thinks it was ok to say that to you, knob.

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 17/08/2015 16:44

I could mention the growing belly, shiny head and moobs but I might just save those for a rainy day! His, not mine!!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 17:08

will you though ?

or do you spare his feelings ?

I suggest you stop doing that right now. And eat that cream cake right in his face, while you brandish your vibrator saying it gives you better satisfaction than his limp and pathetic cock

any reason you can't or won't do that ?

AgentProvocateur · 17/08/2015 17:13

If that was my partner, I'd seriously consider showing him the door. What an absolute prick.

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 17/08/2015 17:14

Haahaa!!! The cake has gone but there are some mini doughnuts which I could eat off of the vibrator...? Maybe not, they might taste a bit rubbery. In all seriousness, no I probably wouldn't say any of those things, I wouldn't want to be that sort of mean person, even if he does deserve it. But it all depends on how he deals with what he said last night. So never say never to a few home truths

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/08/2015 17:16

I don't think this is someone who I would want to grow old and wrinkly with op. Watch out for other unkind behaviour as well, abuse often starts during pregnancy.

Not saying he is abusive, but he was breathtakingly unkind so it's worth chalking it up somewhere.

Patchworkpatty · 17/08/2015 17:32

I am going to play devils advocate here (to a degree). I think we can all agree that sexual attraction can be quite seperate to love. Sexual attraction is not something we can turn off or on like a light, we all have certain sexual preferences and turn offs that are pre programmed in our psyche, so if body shape/pregnancy/Madonna-whore complexes are issues and sexually important to one party, we are unlikely to find the polar opposite attractive . It isn't something he can change. Add to that the simple mechanics required to dtd, and he has two choices, - make 6 months of excuses as to why he can't get it up, OR brutal honesty. I personally feel honesty is not the best policy in these circumstances but I do think you need to cuy him some slack, he has never been a prospective father before (I presume) and therefore had no idea he would find it sexually unappealing. The bottom line though is that this has nothing to do with love, if anything he probably loves you more than ever.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 17/08/2015 17:32

You asked him a direct question and he gave you an honest answer. There's a saying... 'Never ask a question that you don't want to hear the answer to'.

I don't think he's a terrible person for not finding you sexually attractive when you're pregnant - some people don't, and it's not easy (for a man, anyway) to fake sexual desire.

However, telling you that and then rolling over and going to sleep... that's insensitive, selfish, cowardly behaviour. The fact that you say he is incapable of talking about any relationship issues is pretty worrying. How do you sort things out, then?

HelenaDove · 17/08/2015 18:20

Agree with AF.

And as hes so particular about the way you look when/if you are ready to lose the baby weight (only if YOU want to and only if you need to) he will of course be doing childcare without argument and/or sacrificing some of his leisure time while you get out and do what you need to do as its SOOOOOOOO important to him right. right?

Deeznutz · 17/08/2015 18:20

No harm returning the favour. You could start a conversation thanking him for his honesty as you now feel you can be more open about how he has let himself go and you are finding it difficult finding him sexually attractive due to moobs, gut and general inability to express himself appropriately.

See how he likes them apples.

Stop being 'nice' OP be nice to yourself and give him a taste of his own medicine. He'll think twice before he crosses you again.

Smilingforth · 17/08/2015 19:09

I'm speechless. You are at your most beautiful doing the very best thing that you can do. Utter cock

kittensinmydinner · 17/08/2015 19:49

I agree with smiling. You are at your most beautiful, and from what you have said he loves you and the baby you are jointly creating BUT he doesn't find it sexually alluring. These are completely different things. Some men simply can't dtd with their child inside the woman they love. It's not that he doesn't love you ! All kinds of reasons cause this sexual turn off. Number one being fear that he will hurt baby/you. His lack of being able to honestly DISCUSS his reasons are a problem... He may not even understand the reasons himself could be part of the issue.

Original poster

Bluewombler2k · 17/08/2015 21:55

I think that's the problem right there. I get that some men don't find it attractive or it makes them feel funny about making love but the fact that he refused to talk about if after saying that and just going to sleep is the part that has hurt the most as he seemed to drop that little bombshell and then just leave it hanging there for me to mull over all night/next day.
He said tonight that he wasn't actually answering that question with 'no' and was in actual fact answering 'no' to something else before that, but what that was I have no idea as he can't/won't explain himself. I've taken myself off to bed as I just can't be arsed with him being evasive sitting next to me, I'd rather be on my own with my book tonight than try to get some sort of adult response. Thanks for all your responses. He genuinely is a decent bloke but the whole attitude to discussing problems seems to set us back everytime, regardless of the issue.

OP posts:

StAlphonsosPancakeBreakfast · 17/08/2015 22:02

I really empathise. I'm 28 weeks, not my usual fit self by any means and feel completely massive. I don't need to be told my DP doesn't fancy me as much as usual, it's sadly quite obvious - he's just not in any way as up for it as he usually is. I think a lot of it is because it's really difficult at the moment to get into positions that are any good for him.

HOWEVER he denies it totally, because he's a darling still tells me I'm beautiful, is happy to do anything sexually that I want, and I know this is just a bump in the road, that we're both dealing with as best as possible.

I hope he can atone for his dickishness, mismatched communication styles can be an absolute bugger.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 22:05

and now he is gaslighting you

lovely

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 22:05

not a lot "decent" about his behaviour recently

LovesPeace · 17/08/2015 22:19

Refusing to discuss things with you is also disrespectful. It leaves you, and your feelings nowhere to go. It's a controlling move, and one you don't have to put up with.

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