Need advise,I've finally got a response from my ex regading him having contact with the children.

[83singleparentof3]

He responded asking if he could have the children next sat,no time! I have asked him for a set day/time so the children have routine as I'm sick and tired with him having contact around his social life.its not hard to choose a set day/time and stick to it.if for any reason he has unexpected urgent issues/problems then he can rearrange a contact day.

he said he would like to collect the children not from the house but just around the corner from the house,he is asking that the children meet him at this location,it is literally around the corner infront of 2 other houses on a grassy patch.he said he will call 5 mins before he arrives at the location and then again to say he's collected them.

I have responded saying he can collect them from the house,his wife will be with him as she apparently doesn't want him coming to the house alone.ive told him that I will say my goodbyes at the door and see them to the gate,we don't need to make any eye contact or exchange any words.
anybody got any advise? AmI in the wrong? he's very controlling and I need to put my foot down,also I think if he collects them from the house we will be keeping things as amacable as can be,it will be less disruptive on the children,they've been through enough change,just want to keep things as normal as can be.

I think you should stand your ground op, her insecurities are on her your being bullied by two twats now not just him. She hates he has kids and a history, she Will lead him a dogs life fecking good job as well he now knows what it feels like.

Re send him your original mail and say pick an option because his needs don't matter and even less so do hers. This sets the tone op for all future contact, if he won't respect you then respect yourself and your choices.

Oh and just to add, the more you stand up to him the more irate he gets the more shit she gives him. It's a win win for you

Do what is right for you and the children, not what is convenient for x and his w. They are not your concern. It is ridiculous to send the children round the corner because his wife doesn't want to glimpse you. She could wait around the corner and he could pick her up after he's picked up the children - much safer and convenient for them.

If he has them this Saturday, will his next contact be a fortnight later or a week later? Worth getting that sorted in stone now. Remember that at some point you'll be wanting to spend a Saturday with them too, so don't do yourself out of it now.

Do you have a shit hot lawyer? Can they write a letter stating dates and times, and how much of their holidays he should have them for? I'm assuming there's no Court order.

Thank you for the replies....this is what I'm trying to explain to him,this is about the children,they are the focus.he doesn't get it,his/her issues and insecurities are not priority....I've told him in my last email that we should be spending more energy on the children rather than ourselves.

When he arrives he can beep his horn and i will see the children out the garden gate,I don't understand what the problem is.

I also asked him again! If he wants contact next sat,is this going to be an agreed set contact day,fortnightly and what about a time!

No court order,all I'm asking for is agreed sat day/time,it's disruptive to the children when he keeps changing days/times...his last contact was July 9

I made a comment to him on last contact day,I said...."daddy's looking cool" he smirked and responded,he said the wife heard and that he doesn't appreciated a comment like that and that it was inappropriate.if that's how he felt then he shouldn't have responded,before this comment was made he was collecting the children from the house.i didn't mean any harm when I said it,we had been getting along,we had been communicating well so i felt I could make a comment like that.i regret it now,didn't think.

I told him if he doesn't like my response to his email regarding collecting the children from the house,then it's fine if he wants to seek legal advice but if he explains the situation about the comment I made,I have a feeling they won't see it as an inappropriate comment,it wasn't a verbal abusive comment.

Unfortunately I haven't got a lawyer

How old are the dc? Whatever age they are, it's in their best interests for contact to be facilitated in an manner.

I don't see any reason why they should be expected to leave their home in what may be pouring rain to wait in a place that is out of your sight in order that their df's wife can be assured he won't be seduced by you - you irresistable temptress & man magnet!

As I see it he drives his car to your home complete with paranoid passenger
and, if she doesn't trust him walk up the garden path and ring the doorbell without falling into your lady bits, he sends a text to signify his arrival whereupon you open the front door, out go the dc, he ushers them into his car, and you wave goodbye to them.

When returning the dc, all he has do is make sure they've taken all of their belongings out of the car and stay by/in it until he's seen them ring the bell, watch the door open, and wait until they've turned to wave him goodbye before driving off.

Simples. So why the f is he playing silly buggers?

Tell him that if this arrangement doesn't suit, he's free to pay a solicitor to present an alternative in writing which be can discussed at Mediation.

Tsk! Stupid arse. Getting shot of him is probably the best thing you've ever done for yourself.

She could wait around the corner but she doesn't like us having any contact,he's not even aloud to knock the front door anymore and dye to the comment I made it has made the situation so much worse...they both need to get a grip,act like adults and stop focusing on themselves.

Thanks for your advise,I needed to know that I was being fare in my response.

duh! contact to be facilitated in an amicable manner etc.

You're being absolutely fair - he and the dipstick he married aren't being at all fair.

So, 'daddy looks cool' is out .. how about 'daddy looks like he needs a good night's sleep/decent meal/shower & shave/brain transplant?

Your spot on,I told him the only other option is mediation,hugs redone was...I won't turn up

You speak sence,he said that when I give the children a kiss goodbye,tell them I love them,this is over the top,im a mother,it's a natural thing we do,why shouldn't I do that,he also said him and the wife feel like when I say goodbye it's because I'm trying to prove a point that I'm their mother and she isn't,I was speechless,how insecure can she/they be,it's a joke,pointless!

Lol

I would go so far as to say you are being MORE than fair OP.

He is putting the preciousness of his special snowflake wife before the needs of his own children.

Cunt.

Well I can tell you my email won't go down very well,and yes he even said to me that he gets it in the ear from the wife if things don't go her way,she has a 16 yr old son,she should understand....he used to control me,he still thinks he can,he's not used to me putting my foot down

Thank you,so glad you agree with me,he can't see it

I will keep you updated on his reply,dreading it! This has been going on for 2+ yrs now,on and off,you would think he would a set arrangement in place by now.

The children are:10,9 and 3

Send him an email saying something like "The children will be available to be collected from the house at 10am on Saturday, and every second Saturday thereafter." Don't bother explaining, or cajoling or anything. Don't for heaven's sake apologise for your remark about his coolness! That's the silly woman's problem, not yours, and ex can deal with it.

The first few times, organise a fall-back thing to do with the children in case he doesn't turn up. If he's not there by 10.15, say, and he's not contacted you to tell you he's on his way, then take them out.

Keep a contact diary. Dates and times arranged, dates and times he turns up. Also note conversations and other contact with you or with the children. What sort of state they were in when they got home, what they said about the day.

Ok,I have read and taken all the comments on board,thanks! I will update when he responds,it will be interesting!

Going to try and switch off now,nit sleeping well dye to all this stress and anxiety,night all will keep you posted x

From her reaction you might as well have said you look hot im going to shag you on the lawn! You are being more than reasonable, her insecurities are not your problem.

Your dc are far too young to be sent round the corner out of your sight to wait for his Lordship & Lady Snowflake their df to turn up.

Wherever did he get the idea that his current wife is the mother of the dc you gave birth to? Stupid wanker or what? Jeez, he sure does take the for that one.

Don't worry about his reply - whatever it contains, there are some damn fine minds on this board who will help you piss him out of the water when you respond to it. Mind you, given the calibre of his brain, it won't take much to tie him in knots and stick a bow on on top of Lady Snowflake's tiara. .

I don't think you need to see them to the gate, other than standing at the front door, if that's what you meant - and of course it's perfectly reasonable of you to hug and kiss them and tell them you love them, wtf is he on if he thinks that's "OTT"? His wife must be a fucking weirdo if it's coming from her!

She's obviously HUGELY insecure in her relationship with him (can't blame her really, she knows what she's married so she knows she can expect the same later) but she's also utterly ridiculous in her "demands", as he is in giving in to them.

NO chance of you leaving them around the corner, he can fuck right off with that suggestion! Did you read that thread about the wanker ex who dumped his 2 DDs on his exW's doorstep, knowing she was out, and drove off, calling her to tell her that was what he'd done? Hopefully he'll be in all sorts of trouble for reckless abandonment or similar; you don't want to be in that position when your ex doesn't show up on time and your DC are left hanging on the green!

The only thing I would say to you is to make sure that you make no more comments about Daddy's looks, attitude, anything - you have no need to, and all you're doing by noticing anything and commenting is reinforcing to him how much you still think about him (regardless of the truth or not of that). Don't feed his ego!

I know you're trying to do the right thing by the wanker, and trying as well to save costs but I think it might be worth trying to do it properly with a contact order, for the children's sake more than anything.

he's very controlling

Sounds like the puppet master may now be a puppet. You write 'she has a 16 yr old son, she should understand'. Well, yea she should, and thats how basically nice people think, they imagine empathy in others from similar experiences. But the jury is out on whether she does not understand or simply understands but does not care enough.

Either way its him you need to deal with and, as you say, its important to the kids they see you two being polite and functioning in a reasonable manner together, not be handed over at a kerbside further down the road like they were illicit packages. I have heard of a couple of situations where parents would exchange kids in a park, one parent would play with the kids then leave when the other parent arrived and they would also play before leaving with them. Neutral ground, shared area experience, sounded very positive for the kids.