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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advise,I've finally got a response from my ex regading him having contact with the children.

76 replies

83singleparentof3 · 17/08/2015 00:07

He responded asking if he could have the children next sat,no time! I have asked him for a set day/time so the children have routine as I'm sick and tired with him having contact around his social life.its not hard to choose a set day/time and stick to it.if for any reason he has unexpected urgent issues/problems then he can rearrange a contact day.

he said he would like to collect the children not from the house but just around the corner from the house,he is asking that the children meet him at this location,it is literally around the corner infront of 2 other houses on a grassy patch.he said he will call 5 mins before he arrives at the location and then again to say he's collected them.

I have responded saying he can collect them from the house,his wife will be with him as she apparently doesn't want him coming to the house alone.ive told him that I will say my goodbyes at the door and see them to the gate,we don't need to make any eye contact or exchange any words.
anybody got any advise? AmI in the wrong? he's very controlling and I need to put my foot down,also I think if he collects them from the house we will be keeping things as amacable as can be,it will be less disruptive on the children,they've been through enough change,just want to keep things as normal as can be.

OP posts:
Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 19/08/2015 23:17

I am always polit to him when he picks the children up,I can't get my head around this,it's all unnecessary!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2015 03:51

Playing you, wrongfooting you - all because of his wife's insecurities and because it suits him to pander to her not you.

Never thinking of what's best for the children, only what suits him and her best - selfish to the last.

I think you're wise to hold your ground, up to a point - and that point is where he tells you that you are refusing to allow him to see his children and he'll take you to court over it.

As a pp said, you might have to do handover in a park or somewhere else neutral (NOT as per his suggestion, which was ludicrous) - annoying but a compromise that would work IF he accepts it. But try and get him to be reasonable (ha!) about the pick up from your house. Don't see why the wife needs to come too either, tbh - she could just choose to stay away, except then obviously you'd be free to jump his bones the moment you saw him Wink

anklebitersmum · 20/08/2015 04:54

I'd reply that the children will be waiting for him at their home, so if he wants them he'd best turn up there as it is not reasonable for him to expect his young children to wait unsupervised and vulnerable in a park.

Make him come to the door too, I'd be tempted to open the door in my dressing gown and invite him in just to see the look on her face honking the horn outside is the height of bad manners.

Failing that then if you're near your Mum you could always be more than reasonable by having him collect them from you at the ex MIL's house (who of course would inconveniently for him want to come out and have a nice long chat) Grin

lunar1 · 20/08/2015 07:36

I'd reply asking why it's not an option. No way would I let my children's wait anywhere for him.

Smilingforth · 20/08/2015 08:07

It's completely unacceptable for children to wait alone. Period.

mix56 · 20/08/2015 08:25

Reply,
"the children live with me in my house, at no point will I be allowing them to walk alone to a park or any other neutral place until they are at least another 10 year older. If your bimbo wife doesn't like it, I suggest she goes & sits on a swing in the park while you collect them. in the rain/snow/frost/
This needs to be decided & agreed upon,
I am not making one off arrangements when/if it suits you/her. Either you want to see your children or you don't. I certainly am not readjusting the hand overs to accommodate Bimbo's insecurity problem." Jerk

Jux · 20/08/2015 15:40

Only a man who doesn't particularly want to see his children would make a ridiculous stipulation like that. He just wants to control you and make life harder for you, so that he is not inconvenienced by his silly partner's bad temper.

Do not capitulate. The children's home or none, right now. Maybe in the future you will have enough time to organise the alternative - with your mum, your friend, your whoever he is likely to be most upset about - but notice is too short this time.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/08/2015 22:24

the children will be available to be collected from (house) at (x time) on saturday (date). it is not in their best interests to be left unsupervised on the green. (name of place)

Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 20/08/2015 23:25

He needs to put his foot down and stick up to her,be a man...the children have done nothing wrong and what they both don't realise is that,they are the ones suffering because of these issues that his wife has....he sallied and spoke to the children last night,when my daughter put the phone down,she told me she heard the wife telling him what to say to my daughter,she said in between him asking her question there was a pause because he was waiting for th wife to tell him what to say....thought this is very strong bahaviour,my daughter was so confused by this.

OP posts:
Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 20/08/2015 23:27

Strange behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 20/08/2015 23:31

Also there is no other option,nothing has happened for him to say....picking the children from the house is not an option.it is the only option,no way am I being bullied by them,and the kids are confused enough by all this nonsense

OP posts:
Morganly · 20/08/2015 23:44

Well, that is really weird. Neither of them sound like they are in a good place, do they?

AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2015 01:22

Boy, she's got his balls in the kitchen drawer, doesn't she? It always amuses me when men who were so controlling with their ex end up being led around by the short hairs by their 'next'. Kinda makes you want to say "How you like them apples now, eh big boy?".

I guess now that he's learnt to be 'submissive' it's time to go all alpha on him. You're doing a good job! Just rephrase him; "picking the kids up around the corner is not an option, don't bother thinking of alternative. They will be available for pick up at their own front door. Honk or text that you are out front and I will bring them to the gate. No other arrangement will be acceptable." Unless of course there is something else that would work for you and the children. Saying goodbye at the front door and having the children walk to the car? Having a friend/relative walk them to the car?

All I know single is that you must be a combination of Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, and Marilyn Monroe to strike such fear into the heart of his wife! Rowwrrrr, get along you sexy tigress you! What's your secret? Grin

Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 21/08/2015 22:30

Lol,Although I'm finding things a little stressful at the moment,you do manage to put a big smile on my face,your are a great bunch! Some of your comments are hilarious! :)

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/08/2015 22:31

When is he meant to have them again?

Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 21/08/2015 22:31

I don't have a clue why she sees me as a threat,the age gap is the only reason I can think of.

OP posts:
Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 21/08/2015 22:34

I have no idea,m
He hasn't made any arrangements with me,there is no alternative,he can pick the children up from the house as there is no reason why this is not an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 21/08/2015 22:35

They must enjoy all this drama,I certainly don't and neither do the children

OP posts:
Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 21/08/2015 22:38

It's been 6 weeks now,it's terrible.you see all these soldiers being away from their family's,some of whom have children,you can images how difficult time that would be....my ex has the choice to see our children as much as he wants to.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/08/2015 22:42

She sounds barking!!!!

Desperately sad for the children that his wife is making it so difficult Sad

Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 21/08/2015 22:43

It makes my blood boil!

OP posts:
Original poster
83singleparentof3 · 21/08/2015 22:45

Very sad,hoping he sorts these silly issues out asap so he can start concentrating/focusing on his relationship with the children

OP posts:
PausingFlatly · 21/08/2015 23:00

Something else weird here, too.

Even if you did agree to him picking the DC up from round the corner, why would he expect them to stand there waiting for him?

Surely he'd arrive, call, and then he wait for them? And stay on the phone as you watch them to the corner and he watches them corner to car.

I'm not suggesting you go for that arrangement rather than a pick-up from the house. But the fact he expects them to wait for him, alone on a roadside, is telling.

PausingFlatly · 21/08/2015 23:02

Sorry, I'm not a usual on your thread, 83. But I was reading and that leapt out at me.

Best wishes for holding up in such a difficult situation.

lunar1 · 24/08/2015 10:37

Hope you have had a quiet weekend without any more odd requests!