I need some handholding :(

[ShitHappens1]

I'm just after a little bit of handholding and some non-harsh advice as I'm feeling pretty sensitive.

I've been seeing "DP" for 8 months. It hasn't been straight forward from the word go. He's always been reluctant to put titles on things, saying he thinks it's ridiculous to say "let's be girlfriend and boyfriend" because we are not 12 years old. He's ridiculously intelligent and I'm just average, so when we have these conversations, he usually baffles me with big words about how he won't conform to society's expectations. He spends time with me, is seeing only me, told me he wants a future with me etc. and that should be enough to confirm what we are.

Anyway, that's not relevant to today. Well maybe it is. Last week he was in hospital and I was there for him. He was really sweet with me last week, telling me how content he is with me, how lucky he is to have me etc.

This week, he didn't want to see me. He said he just wanted space and time to himself. Ok. Tuesday comes and he said he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. Wednesday, he says to me that he's just bored of our relationship because we mostly sit in and watch Netflix. Cool. We agreed that we'd set up a joint leisure fund and have at least fortnightly date nights. After that, everything seemed great. Had a few lovely evenings together. Seemed like we just needed to talk about things having gone stale.

This morning, he said again he isn't sure he wants a relationship at this point in his life. He said he doesn't want to have to consider somebody else's feelings when he does things, like if he wants to go out all weekend, doesn't wanna have to consider that I might feel gutted we're not spending it together. In addition to that, he said I'm not his type. He didn't expand on that too much, but from what I gathered, he means intellectually. He said I'm not able to eloquently word my arguments, not able to think outside the box when we discuss things etc.

I just couldn't stop crying. He's literally told me he wants kids with me, sees a future with me etc.

He then went on to say he still wants to "see" each other, just not formally with pressure on it. He said he isn't entirely sure that he feels what he's saying and needs to work it out. He said he knows he may potentially be pushing me away and that he may not find somebody like me again.

I told him I'm not sure if I can do the "seeing" thing. I'll continue to fall more and more in love with him and may get hurt. I told him I know what I am and I know what I have to offer somebody and I deserve more than what he's able to offer me and he agreed. But the conversation somehow ended with us agreeing to exactly what we agreed on Wednesday - seeing each other less but with date nights to spend fun time together - whilst he understands what it is he wants.

I know reading that back that I'm a fucking fool. I'm madly in love with somebody whom has little regard for how I'm feeling or not worrying about how anxious I'm going to feel whilst he makes his mind up.

I'm a fucking idiot. But I love him.

Any tips for coping mechanisms? How to stop myself from texting him to tell him I miss him? How to break away from this toxic situation?

I just don't know what to do.

Just delete him from you life and move on - simples.

Look you... Listen up. You are worth a million of this twat.

This made me laugh, actually, out loud...people stared!

My friend's nana just gave my best advice. "I know it's hard when you're attached to somebody. But he's a cunt."

But she's not wrong.

I did read your last post, but it's too difficult not to get angry on your behalf and impossible not to tell you, to tell him, to fuck off.

You're, what, 26????? Get out the my love. Live life. Don't wait around for this up his own arse using twitting piece of crap to grow up, because it's not happening anytime soon.

YOU CAN DO THIS: text him once, telling him to fuck off, then delete his number

Go enjoy life xx

You miss him already but it's very likely the thought of him in one of those rare perfect phases and that habit of being in a relationship, that you're holding onto.

When people glory so often in being "brutally honest" they often have a curious inability to relish a cool no BS "telling it like it is" approach from anyone else. They like a fan club or adoring acolytes not equals who stand up to them.

Another Baggage Reclaim fan here, please flush him and don't look back.

Gosh, so he's even keeping you on a string with the holiday! So, he wants to go on holiday, but doesn't want to go alone. Poor baby. And just in case, while he's 'deciding what HE wants' he doesn't find someone new (not better by the way - new - these inadequate narcissist always need someone new to feed off) he will keep you hanging on to pay for half his holiday and keep him company. If you are still getting booty calls at his whim by December, you will go, have a fabulous time, come back full of hope and happiness - only for him to back off again. Until the next time he needs you for something - a pretty lass on his arm at a function, another holiday, a shag.

It's dead easy for strangers on the internet to say LTB. And you have to do this in your own time. But in the meantime, text him and call a halt to the holiday and ask for your money back. Not today - when you are ready. But don't leave it too long or it'll be another £250 down the drain.

This man is making me feel sick.

He wanted you to point out Australia on a map? Was he in my ten year olds class last term as they were studying Oz? No? Of course not, he said it to belittle you.

He will kiss you as a reward for helping him that day? That is all kinds of weird. What do you have to do to get shagged?

Delete his number after you have told him you have been thinking for a few seconds and realise he isn't man enough for you and you no longer want to see him next week or ever.

If you carry on being a doormat he will carry in walking all over you. It will not get better. He will not suddenly decide you're the best thing ever though he might drop you a few crumbs if you dare to finish it with himand forget your place

I know it hurts when you think you love someone and they don't love you back but this is never going to end well.

I don't really have any RL support to be honest. Well, I do, but they don't really offer much advice, just switch to telling me he's a bastard and to fuck him off. And that's not really what I need. I just need to let it all out, have somebody tell me I can do this and offer helpful advice as opposed to getting angry on my behalf.

Thanks for all of the helpful advice and support so far. I really appreciate it x

They are telling you he's a bastard because he is.

Time to delete and block his number from your phone.

You don't need the heartache.

I've found in the past that I've missed the idea of the potential ideal relationship I had in my head. It turned out I didn't miss the reality.

He actually said to me when I couldn't point out Aus, "How do you not know that? We learnt that in Year 5."

All of the emotional control is weird. It really is. Seeing so many consistent messages on here really is helping me realise just how wrong this relationship is.

Joysmum - I think that's exactly where I'm at. I've envisaged this future that probably isn't even feasible.

If you think about it it's a very sad person who measures personal worth by knowing things you learned in year 5 like where something is on the map. That's so far removed from what actually makes a good person or good partner – kindness, sense of humour, warmth, genuine interests, sense of morality and how to treat people etc. He must be very, very insecure to have to try to get one up on you in such a pathetic and obvious way.

You're 26. There is no reason in the world to invest any time or effort in a twat like this who you have no ties to whatsoever. You'll look back on him as a blip, who merely served to help you identify what you do want in a man by showing you the opposite. Chalk him down to experience.

Also, I don't think you love him really as PPs have said. I do know that feeling you're having but it's more of a "but I thought this was going so well, I'd invested in him!" kind of feeling. Look at who he really is. What's to love?

What a nob.

Here's a quick on to cheer you up... I ended up in a bar in Auckland chatting to a ver intelligent young woman who had just flown in from the UK. She admitted she was shit at geography and honestly couldn't point to New Zealand on a map. But as she pointed out, you don't point to somewhere on a bloody map, you buy a sodding plane ticket. Only the pilot needs to know where New Zealand is. (Or Australia for that matter!)

Do you usually suffer anxiety? Or is this new?

I suffer with anxiety and I have learned that sometimes you just need to cut out the thing that is triggering it. It's not always possible, and then you need to find a way to deal with it. But often it IS possible to eliminate the cause.

He is the root cause of your anxiety right now. Clear him out of your life.
He's really not worth all the emotional stress you are dealing with.

I can understand your friends getting angry to be honest, because he's a dickhead and he's deliberately hurting you. If a man did that to my friend I'd be cross too. But I understand that you need to work this through for yourself, and this is a good place to come for support to do that.

But from us older lot, who've been there, done it, got the t-shirt, badge, mug and tea-towel......eventually you just have to walk away from him.

He's ridiculously intelligent and I'm just average

OP - Intelligence comes in many forms, so don't be intimidated because this clown is articulate. You seem to have far more emotional intelligence than him and most people would much prefer to date someone with emotional intelligence than someone who can use the word diaphanous.

Sorry to say, but he seems to be in one of those "waiting for something better to come along" relationships.

I agree with others, txt to say bye, block, delete, move on, be happy .

Some of the most intelligent and intellectual people I have ever met had the social skills of a wet dishrag.

Agree with queenrollo there. I have known a number of Mensa members (not me I hasten to add!) and while I don't wish to tar them all with the same brush, they included quite a high proportion of unpleasant and difficult people. I think that's partly because you've got to wonder about the kind of person who not only clever, but wants the world to know it. It's not the be-all and end-all to know lots of trivia or have a high IQ.

he is not good for you, he will destroy you.
if I were you I wouldn't send any text or call him, no bye's, no contact anymore. just shot off.
he is not ending it himself because he wants to leave it to you so you will feel the guilt and at the same time he will use you in the future if he needs.
forget about he can be that nice etc., its mostly an act, there are better man out there that can make you very happy.
it will be difficult for a while but in the long run you will be more happy.
just leave him, as if he doesn't exist anymore, no contact.
keep yourself busy with other stuff.
good luck.

you are the complete package, what does he have?
he wants to destroy what you have.

This morning has been a nightmare. On top of already feeling anxious about what's going on between us, I did a trial run to my new job and the motorway was packed and it just sent me over the edge. I haven't stopped crying! Work has told me to go and work from home but I can't even face summoning the energy to do that.

My anxiety is triggered. I'm usually ok. Last time I experienced it like this was when I split with my ex. It's such an awful feeling. I just feel sick.

You need to turn that very quickly into anger. I doubt very much he is paying miserably on a forum about how rubbish he feels. You are a nice person who has been fucked over, believed his busllshit mainly because you appear ( bizarrely) to believe he's right in all he says.

He isn't. He's a fuckwit and he's already buggering things up for you. Having him back won't make it better will it? Accept you made a bad choice, learn from it - everyone has been with someone who hasn't turned out how they hoped and generally it's that which causes the misery. Separate the two.

You want a nice chap to share your life with. It's not him, you know it, he knows it. Don't waste time going on holiday with this person, disaster, frankly, just before you start a new management role and arrive sobbing as he dropped you at the airport on return. You won't get through your probation period if you don't calm down. Find a friend who wants a holiday and go with them. Or book an art tour, or a tennis weekend or something. You won't get this time back, no one lives forever - plan to be fabulous in your new job, attended networki events, all that stuff.

The motorway was packed, I expect you weren't the only one upset and stressed. Get a coffee, or tea, take some deep breaths, and start your day at work from home.

I thought my life was over when I split with my beloved ex. My most superficial friend said " you are lucky though, at least you're not misery eating and are about to add being over weight to your woes" which made me laugh for some reason.

take control. You cant control the motorway. You can control whether or not he is in your life. You will feel a tremendous weight lifted as soon as you decide to do something positive for yourself by chucking him.

You CAN do this - you CAN be strong and leave him, and you know what? YOU WILL BE OK. You have you're own place, and a new job to go to - ok, yes, the motorwar bit is shit, maybe you'll have to leave earlier. But all in all, you WILL cope when you leave him. We suprise ourselves with how strong we can be in our worst times, and at first you might find you're only coping day by day but those days will steadily turn into weeks, and then you'll realise one day you haven't thought about him at all for a long time. YOU CAN DO THIS.

i think you need to address your anxiety. you can go to yr gp for that.

OP, I started a thread so very similar to this several weeks ago and I was in exactly the same position. I'm quite new here so can't find old thread to link but if you can see it on my profile please give it a read. I was destroyed, had a physical pain in my chest. I feel a lot better now, still think about him a lot which I think is natural when you're almost 'addicted' to someone but you will honestly feel a lot better and stronger in a few weeks. Try keep busy and for god's sake don't facebook/ instagram/ twitter stalk him. I did and it brought back that sharp pain in my chest. Delete and block!!!

why don't you text him and dump him now....and we'll all be here to hold your hand through it AND suggest some witty comebacks if he deigns to text back with cunty comments?

i read a meme on fb once that i love but haven't had the opportunity to use on anyone yet "i wear heels bigger than your dick!"

Pinching another idea from elsewhere: every day you are not in contact with him, mark it obviously on a calendar - a red cross or something.

Venting is all right, you will heal. It is great timing you have the new job to look forward to and rather than him shoot you down in flames you will have encouragement and support from your real friends.

As many have said, you really must ditch this one ASAP. He's not even worth analysing, that's a waste of your time and mental energy.

Coping mechanisms? Yes. Dump his sorry arse, any way you want, but have no further contact whatsoever. Onwards and upwards to better things and better people.

You can do far better then him and you are worth far more. You'll see.