I need some handholding :(

[ShitHappens1]

I'm just after a little bit of handholding and some non-harsh advice as I'm feeling pretty sensitive.

I've been seeing "DP" for 8 months. It hasn't been straight forward from the word go. He's always been reluctant to put titles on things, saying he thinks it's ridiculous to say "let's be girlfriend and boyfriend" because we are not 12 years old. He's ridiculously intelligent and I'm just average, so when we have these conversations, he usually baffles me with big words about how he won't conform to society's expectations. He spends time with me, is seeing only me, told me he wants a future with me etc. and that should be enough to confirm what we are.

Anyway, that's not relevant to today. Well maybe it is. Last week he was in hospital and I was there for him. He was really sweet with me last week, telling me how content he is with me, how lucky he is to have me etc.

This week, he didn't want to see me. He said he just wanted space and time to himself. Ok. Tuesday comes and he said he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. Wednesday, he says to me that he's just bored of our relationship because we mostly sit in and watch Netflix. Cool. We agreed that we'd set up a joint leisure fund and have at least fortnightly date nights. After that, everything seemed great. Had a few lovely evenings together. Seemed like we just needed to talk about things having gone stale.

This morning, he said again he isn't sure he wants a relationship at this point in his life. He said he doesn't want to have to consider somebody else's feelings when he does things, like if he wants to go out all weekend, doesn't wanna have to consider that I might feel gutted we're not spending it together. In addition to that, he said I'm not his type. He didn't expand on that too much, but from what I gathered, he means intellectually. He said I'm not able to eloquently word my arguments, not able to think outside the box when we discuss things etc.

I just couldn't stop crying. He's literally told me he wants kids with me, sees a future with me etc.

He then went on to say he still wants to "see" each other, just not formally with pressure on it. He said he isn't entirely sure that he feels what he's saying and needs to work it out. He said he knows he may potentially be pushing me away and that he may not find somebody like me again.

I told him I'm not sure if I can do the "seeing" thing. I'll continue to fall more and more in love with him and may get hurt. I told him I know what I am and I know what I have to offer somebody and I deserve more than what he's able to offer me and he agreed. But the conversation somehow ended with us agreeing to exactly what we agreed on Wednesday - seeing each other less but with date nights to spend fun time together - whilst he understands what it is he wants.

I know reading that back that I'm a fucking fool. I'm madly in love with somebody whom has little regard for how I'm feeling or not worrying about how anxious I'm going to feel whilst he makes his mind up.

I'm a fucking idiot. But I love him.

Any tips for coping mechanisms? How to stop myself from texting him to tell him I miss him? How to break away from this toxic situation?

I just don't know what to do.

Um, he's nasty. He thinks he's too good for you, socially and intellectually superior and is doing you a favour by dating you.

If you want to up your general knowledge do so by reading the news websites, reading the times etc, take it as a project for yourself the areas you feel you should have a basic knowledge of. This should be fun:)

Get away from him. He will grind you down so you won't be able to make decisions. He's already started with you dithering about the fuck buddy stuff. ITS A RUBBISH PLAN. Fuck him off. He won't like it. I bet he'll be a nightnare to get rid of:(

I've just read the Chopper article! Very interesting. It sounds a lot like him.

In the past, he's complimented me on having a house at such a young age (I bought it aged 24, I'm 26 now), but he's said, "I won't let you beat me though." I've told him it's unattractive when he sees things like that as a competition. But he says it isn't a competition, he just doesn't like to be beaten in life.

It's funny, isn't it? We hear all of these things that are said to us but are are ignorant to how significant they are. Reading that now, I think it sounds awful.

Ah. I fucking hate that I miss him already.

I've not even mentioned the lack of affection. Or maybe not lack, but control of.

He doesn't really let me kiss him. If he kisses me on the lips, he's sure to tell me there's a reason why. "You've helped me a lot today." "I'm kissing you because I've missed you." Otherwise, it's kisses on the forehead. If I go to hug him, he either says no, or pretends to say no and I turn away and then he hugs me. So he lets me feel the initial rejection but then hugs me on his terms.

Oh my Lord, I'm a fool.

LavenderHoney - thanks for tips on improving my general knowledge. I'll do that. I do want to improve myself. Not for him, for me. I don't enjoy being unaware of things, I want to improve my intelligence.

My friend's nana just gave my best advice.

"I know it's hard when you're attached to somebody. But he's a cunt."

One of the horrible double whammies about going out with a chopper (or any man who undermines you) is that as well as going out with a nasty dickhead, you're also getting your self-confidence undermined so badly that you end up thinking that the nasty dickhead is the best thing that can happen in your life.

I agree with other posters that if you dump him now he will do everything in his power to get you back - the tough bit will be making sure you don't give in, because people like this don't change.

You sound lovely op and you're worth 12 of him. There will be absolutely lovely men out there who will want to make you happy but it doesn't sound like he's one of them

" In addition to that, he said I'm not his type" ....pretty clear cut if you take him at his word.

Do you know I think he is intimidated by how smart you are & that is why he keeps putting you down... there is street smart, intellectually smart, financially smart, and what? google smart? you could train a chimp to google stuff but they'd still have absolutely no emotional intelligence.

He is not good enough for you and thats without even factoring in the diamonte earrings

What an absolute fuck nugget! As a previous poster said, it doesn't take a genius to goole things and the fact that he is trying to actively trip you up by deliberately getting you to do things that make you not know, is just cruel and nasty behaviour. All designed again to make him look amazing darlink!
You sound intelligent enough to me. So you don't know some trivia? Big whoop! Google it and you can be a genius like him! But seriously he is damaging your self esteem. Take the reins out of his hands and you take control. Find someone who deserves you xxxxxx

Thanks everybody.

I really can't work him out. I don't know why he's doing this to me. I think I do just have to take him for his word that he doesn't want a relationship. And I deserve more anyways.

What's shit is that, when we're good, he's incredible and I love being with him and I love the way he makes me feel. But that should never stop. That's the way it should always be. That shouldn't be just a treat.

I'm sorry to have to agree with everyone else but he sounds like a nasty pompous twit. I dump him and not look back.

You can't switch off loving someone instantaneously but you must remember you are in love with something that doesn't really exsist.

Give yourself a bit of time and be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for going out with him for so long - at least you didn't marry him or have kids with him.

I think you best coping tool would be to keep posting here and let us remind you that this is a LTB situation.

I'm married to someone who is extremely intelligent. He can answer loads of questions when we are watching University Challenge and is an all round brain box. Despite the fact I'm a bit of a thicko he has never made me feel inferior to him. We are equals and respect each other.

Op, everyone, no matter who they are, has been fucked over by someone. Chill. You need to trust yourself here. He's a nightmare. Stop the angst now.

Make a plan for recovery, which involves being fabulous at work and getting promoted/ getting a new job. Get a mentor. Look on linked in or pick someone you admire at the top of their game and write and ask for if they'd have a coffee with you to chat. No time like the present, get on there and have a look. Organise your weekends and free time for the next 3-6 months. Book a manicure, get your hair done, go on a few dates. Join the dating thread in here:)

I read the BBC news site, read the times and FT, economist and get the brief in my inbox. After a week or so it gets easier and faster I promise:) and on my Twitter get NASA and science/ new tech stuff because I'm interested in it. I build apps and tbh if you met me you would be incredulous I do that:) I look like and talk like a cockney airhead:)

Oh, and you're not improving your intelligence. You're improving your general knowledge and expanding your thinking. Intelligence is applying what you think to challenges and issues you face:) you can meet people who know loads about everything and are as thick as shit when it comes to applying it. Or people who don't know much but can make a decision because they can weigh up risk. It's interesting. Go to gallery's, look at paintings, read books, look on the different threads here for inspiration.

You'll meet some lovely man, who enjoys your quest for knowledge and loves you for who you are. This man doesn't. Thanks god you've found out now.

Come back and update in a year?:)

That was meant to be google and may not know.

You're not in love with this guy.

You're in love with who you thought he was and the future you thought you were going to have with him.

He's pulled the rug on all of that. Ditch him.

Onwards and upwards and don't waste your time for a second on someone who makes you feel inferior.

Oh god. I've got a chopper. Fuck...

Sorry to hear that castrovalva but knowledge is power...

That's a great post lavenderhoney. So true that everyone has been done over at some point

Thank you so much for all of the helpful advice, comments and inspiration. I really appreciate it.

I'm looking forward to beginning my path to bettering myself for me.

I have a new job/promotion that I start on 1st September so that'll give me a new focus. It's a management position so I need to ensure that I'm stable emotionally to take on such a big challenge instead of focussing on a non-starter relationship.

I've noted the pages for improving my general knowledge and will download Twitter tomorrow :)

Tell him you have no issues with him being highly educated but you are sorry that I don't want to waste another moment with a pompous bastard who is so far up his backside that he doesn't realise what a complete waste of energy he is to be around.

New job sounds just what you need. The last thing you need is some fuckwit bloke hanging round making you feel crao about yourself.

Get a book called the first hundred days - download it or buy it and read it in the bath:) focus on your new role, and the lovely men you might meet:) get networking:)

Get your hair done, nails done, new bag, shoes, get your wardrobe sorted for autumn/ winter, and look like you're ready to be promoted from the moment you arrive. Dump this twat, because you don't want anyone dragging you down. Plus - you'll be busy. He's hanging on to your coat, frankly. You can do so much better.

Remember, your team work for you and are supposed to know stuff. You deal with the big picture. There's a difference between day to day manager and leadership:) get on courses, post on here for tips and hints under employment.

Oh, and don't be scared to say " I didn't know that, tell me more" no one knows everything. The most dangerous people are those who think they know and don't. You're unique. And you wouldn't have the management job if they thought you couldn't do it. Plenty of managers looking for jobs and they picked you. I doubt pointing out Oz on the map was a criteria:)

Get on courses, leadership ones and whatever is going. be nice, don't mention fuckwit ex. And don't let him try and badger you. Ignore the twat. If you reply he won't go away. Very unprofessional to have annoying ex bf bothering you.

You've had a lucky escape. If you meet anyone who reminds you of him OR sports a diamanté earring, run like the wind:)

wow what a bell end!

ShitHappens1

Having lived more of a life than you have, maybe I can offer some insights I've had. I think your (soon to be Ex) OH fundamentally needs wants to be important. However, ideas are equivalent to places like the South Pole in Victorian times - they're sitting there, waiting to be discovered, and discovering them simply means you get to plant your flag before anyone else can. Only because your OH isn't actually a genius he can't plant his flag on virgin snow. The closest he can get to the thrill of a real discovery, and to believing he really is important, is go places he knows you haven't been to yourself. The fact that you're actually pretty successful for your age makes his intellectual victory more rewarding.

Emotional experiences - well, they're personal to each and every one of us. Every footstep we take in our own emotional lives is a step onto unclaimed territory and genuinely untrod snow. Thus, the emotional journey of a loving, caring man or woman is far more important than the pointless intellectual journey of the failed would-be genius. That's your OH's problem - he's too smart to be normal, but not wise enough to realise that he could be normal if he wanted to be, and that he'd be a better person with a richer, more rewarding and more important life for it. You could try explaining this to him, but I doubt he'd get the point. And who knows, maybe (as one previous poster found) the shock of being rejected by someone he regards as beneath him will be the wake-up call he needs.

Anyway, it sounds like you're on the right track. Wish I'd had your maturity when I was your age!

If he kisses me on the lips, he's sure to tell me there's a reason why. "You've helped me a lot today

OMG ew! That is really disturbing, abusery behaviour - really, really gross. Your friends nan was spot on, he is a cunt!

What a knob. I had a bf like this when I was 18. he was a bell end. he caused me nothing but heart ache. (he's acting like a jumped up fucking teenager with a foolish girl clinging to his every word whilst knowing deep down she knows he is poison.) cut him off, you sound a right catch, get someone who deserves you, that pompous self absorbed prick certainly doesn't.

Having a large vocabulary can be impressive but this lads emotional intelligence is in his boots. He sounds like a dick and that's without the diamanté earrings and what I'm assuming is a hipster beard You can do infinitely better. You sound lovely btw OP.

I had an ex who thought he was cleverer than me, in reality, I could run circles round him, he didn't cope and put me down incessantly. As others have said, he's keeping you on the back burner to see what comes along. You deserve so so sooooo much more.

He sounds like a pretentious prick. Move on and quickly.

Oh OP I do hope you've sent the "Okie dokes bye bye" text to this loser. He is a loser as he has no idea how to treat another human being. He's an absolute twat and I can assure you you're SOOOOOO much brighter than him as you would never treat so me one as he has you. It's called emotional intelligence and he sounds like a full on emotional retard!

Once you've sent the text do your best to forget bout him. You will. Eight months isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things and I think you will surprise yourself how quickly you move on. Good luck!