I need some handholding :(

[ShitHappens1]

I'm just after a little bit of handholding and some non-harsh advice as I'm feeling pretty sensitive.

I've been seeing "DP" for 8 months. It hasn't been straight forward from the word go. He's always been reluctant to put titles on things, saying he thinks it's ridiculous to say "let's be girlfriend and boyfriend" because we are not 12 years old. He's ridiculously intelligent and I'm just average, so when we have these conversations, he usually baffles me with big words about how he won't conform to society's expectations. He spends time with me, is seeing only me, told me he wants a future with me etc. and that should be enough to confirm what we are.

Anyway, that's not relevant to today. Well maybe it is. Last week he was in hospital and I was there for him. He was really sweet with me last week, telling me how content he is with me, how lucky he is to have me etc.

This week, he didn't want to see me. He said he just wanted space and time to himself. Ok. Tuesday comes and he said he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. Wednesday, he says to me that he's just bored of our relationship because we mostly sit in and watch Netflix. Cool. We agreed that we'd set up a joint leisure fund and have at least fortnightly date nights. After that, everything seemed great. Had a few lovely evenings together. Seemed like we just needed to talk about things having gone stale.

This morning, he said again he isn't sure he wants a relationship at this point in his life. He said he doesn't want to have to consider somebody else's feelings when he does things, like if he wants to go out all weekend, doesn't wanna have to consider that I might feel gutted we're not spending it together. In addition to that, he said I'm not his type. He didn't expand on that too much, but from what I gathered, he means intellectually. He said I'm not able to eloquently word my arguments, not able to think outside the box when we discuss things etc.

I just couldn't stop crying. He's literally told me he wants kids with me, sees a future with me etc.

He then went on to say he still wants to "see" each other, just not formally with pressure on it. He said he isn't entirely sure that he feels what he's saying and needs to work it out. He said he knows he may potentially be pushing me away and that he may not find somebody like me again.

I told him I'm not sure if I can do the "seeing" thing. I'll continue to fall more and more in love with him and may get hurt. I told him I know what I am and I know what I have to offer somebody and I deserve more than what he's able to offer me and he agreed. But the conversation somehow ended with us agreeing to exactly what we agreed on Wednesday - seeing each other less but with date nights to spend fun time together - whilst he understands what it is he wants.

I know reading that back that I'm a fucking fool. I'm madly in love with somebody whom has little regard for how I'm feeling or not worrying about how anxious I'm going to feel whilst he makes his mind up.

I'm a fucking idiot. But I love him.

Any tips for coping mechanisms? How to stop myself from texting him to tell him I miss him? How to break away from this toxic situation?

I just don't know what to do.

Listen, you've been set up to react to him like this. He withholds affection / kissing / hugs or what ever so you're on your best behaviour holding out for whatever affection he throws your way.

He has set you up to react to him the way you are. Texting him now is just you trying to please him by being available and trying to make a lovely time for him so he will reward you with being his girlfriend.

It won't work, he's not wired like this. He will keep you as an option to sleep with whenever he's bored. He probably has another couple of women like you dotted about the place ready to jump when he contacts them.

Please listen to what people are saying, it will be hard but once YOU decide to cut him off you will be amazed at how the anxiety will lessen.

My personal favourite text to send this arse is fuzzywuzzys suggestion

Text back okey dokes, buy bye then And delete and block him.

The blocking is important as he will reel you back in with some more emotional titbits and keep you there to play with.

Good luck, I dealt with someone like this from the age of 17 to 21 and looking back I wish someone had thrown me onto a plane and flown me to Australia to escape his fuckwittery.

He's suggested we still go out and see how things go until he knows fully how he feels.

He doesn't want to. He may want to if nothing better if on the cards. But otherwise he's just saying this to stop you being a hysterical female. He doesn't mean it. I have a heart like a swinging brick and I've done it myself, it is easier than saying a blunt 'No chance'.

You've really got to drop him and block him OP. The blocking is really important - you won't start to recover until you can be sure he won't contact you.

I know it feels bad, sweetie, but those of us who've dealt with men like this know how this script plays out. There's no happy ending with this man for you

OP you must be intelligent to have bought your own house at quite a young age, particularly these days. For what's it worth, I know someone who's very clever (she likes to tell me her IQ, it's a bit ) but she barely knows who the prime minister is, she just doesn't follow news or current affairs and has no interest in it. Not sure what my point is (!) but I suppose there are different types of intelligence and there's also no reason why you can't keep learning about things, to improve yourself if you want to and follow things that you didn't previously know about or that interest you.

Also LTB! (My first one! I feel like a proper MNetter now...)

Catrin - I'm not the best judge of character but from what I have learnt about him, he will not do, or say he will do, anything he does not want to. He is selfish. He wouldn't even entertain going out early on my birthday to the place I wanted to go because he wanted to watch an episode of something on Netflix. He's a brutally honest and brutally selfish person and I believe that this is one of his control mechanisms as opposed to him saying it because I'm an emotional female. Yesterday he told me not to cry because it won't change anything. He's really not one to say he'll do something just to temporarily please me.

Look love, we've all been there and done that and we are giving you the benefit of our Wisdom because we actually care more about you than he does.

We don't want you to be hurt anymore by this prat.

The kindest thing this coward could do is to say. I don't want you in my life anymore.

So you need to say it to him.

In the words of Julie Goodyear .

Get it! Got it! Good!

Just text him it's over! Just do it now!!!! Please OP, please, end this now before you get even deeper in the quicksand - HE IS NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU ARE WANTING FROM HIM.

Just take a deep breath, send him that text now, and sit back. From everything you've said, he DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Not one bit. I'm so sorry to sound harsh hon, but not one iota of his actions says "I like you", let alone "I love you". Set yourself free NOW before youget in even deeper :(

I don't have much helpful advice, but I can say he doesn't sound nearly as intelligent as he thinks he is. He sounds like a rude insensitive and indecisive teenager.

He's selfish and lazy and he doesn't care. But he won't want to face that, so he's farting about and putting it all on you. In these conversations about how he's not sure what he wants, has he ever asked you what you want?

I have to agree with PP's that I was thinking "What a fucking arsehole" after the first few lines (him, not you!).

He sound pompous, arrogant and all too proud of his perceived "intelligence". If he was so bloody clever then he would have a touch of emotional intelligence too, but he hasnt.

Dont walk away from him, fucking RUN!

He's suggested we still go out and see how things go until he knows fully how he feels.

Tell him to get to fuck!! He is a horrible person, he treats you terribly and does weird abusery things to you like controlling his affection and telling you you're not as good as him (not in so many words but still), he's selfish and he doesn't care for you - he doesn't even pretend to care. Put yourself out of this total misery, it's like ripping a plaster off, get it done quick, just text him and say 'look this isn't working, let's forget about the whole thing it's finished'. Then work on your self esteem so you never contemplate going out with someone so fucking awful ever again. x

OP re the holiday - who booked it you or him? If its you - change his details and see if you can bring a friend. If it's him, wave your money goodbye and see it as an investment in your future relationship with someone who is good enough for you. Because it ain't him :)

And when you feel able, block him. But in the meantime stop trying to tell him how you feel. He gets it, he does know, he just doesn't care.

We booked the holiday jointly but he's lead passenger. I actually transferred over another £250 on Friday to him to pay towards it. I've asked him to hold off making the payment. We'll only lose the deposit of £250 if we cancel. I guess it's not the end of the world. He said even if we're not together, he'd still really like to go. Fool.

don't go on that holiday.
cut your losses and run.
at this stage, i'd end all contact.

REfuse to go on the holiday, get your £250 back and spend it on spoiling yourself as a reward for getting rid of this user.

OP, sorry to be blunt but you really need to be sensible about this. You have to take responsibility for your OWN actions. I know its hard but you can't do anything about his behaviour which means you have to do something about YOUR behaviour. I understand you can't always control how you feel but you can control what you do. ie sending needy texts

If you carry on seeing him have you thought what would happen if you accidentally got pregnant? Surely even the tiniest risk of giving any future child of yours that lowlife as a father should be enough to make you run a mile.

"I won't let you beat me though." Get rid get rid!

It's all about him. As his many other behaviours also show, but this stands out. You're not a person, you're just something floating around in his eyeline that may provide a shag, or may present a threat if it gets too clever/successful and has to be smacked down. He wants to win, and that matters more than being nice, loving someone, having mutual support, or anything like that.

You know what OP I bet you are not actually less intelligent than him. It's him who has told you that you are. We can all find stuff out from Google, in our own good time.

Text him "I agree, your lack of emotional intelligence has been bothering me for a while. Good luck."

freecoffee - I completely understand what you're saying and I agree. I do need to be responsible for my own actions. Unfortunately at the moment because it's so raw, my anxiety is overruling my head right now which is a struggle. I'll curse myself for doing it but I know eventually I'll be strong enough to strengthen my self respect.

I'm just missing the person I thought he was. Well, the person he sometimes is. When it's good, it's beautiful. But it to be beautiful always and I believe we all deserve that x

I'm just going to post here for no good reason at all. Back at the caravan now so I'm not occupied and I'm finding it difficult to not text him. I wanna see if he's had a nice day and want to see him when I get home. Force of habit. But I'm typing here instead because I know that a lack of response to my text message will be hurtful and the text message itself is stupid of me.

Get it! Got it! Good!

That was actually nicked from a 1955 Danny Kaye film called The Court Jester. (See, I know stuff too. I is intellectual innit. Or possibly just old.)

Anyway, I just read through all this thread to make sure no-one else posted my favourite Youtube link for this situation.

and wears diamanté earrings though!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Utter twat. I don't think I could ever been even vaguely attracted to a man who wore diamante earrings.

You know the score really here. You know it in you heart. And it's clear from your posts But you don't yet have the strength to cut him out of your life. And that's what you need.

All these kind of problems can be summarised in two lines:

Why does he treat me so badly?
Because you let him

Why does he keep coming back/sleeping with me when he doesn't want a future and he knows I do?
Because you let him

A person with high self esteem would have walked away a long time ago. You need to get yourself into that place where you can block him and never contact him again.

It is not going to get better. He will not suddenly turn round in a Hollywood Film style fantasy and say "Oh darling, when I said you were [beneath me/not my type/not intelligent enough/only deserving of a kiss when I choose] I was totally wrong. I have now seen how wrong I was and how lucky I am to have you. You are my everything".

It will only get worse and the more you see him and try to get him to love you, the greater the toll it will take on your self esteem. Get out now while you still have some, however small, better that than being utterly ground down.

It's definitely better you post here rather than send him a friendly text.

Can you delete his number so that it's easier not to be tempted.

It's ok to allow yourself to feel upset about this. It's understandable and completely normal. You are sad and dissapointed. It would be odd if you weren't. You have wasted 8 months on a looser with whom you have invested time and emotion. You need to be kind to yourself while remembering to be SENSIBLE.

Have you got some RL friends or family that you can ask for support?

I don't really have any RL support to be honest. Well, I do, but they don't really offer much advice, just switch to telling me he's a bastard and to fuck him off. And that's not really what I need. I just need to let it all out, have somebody tell me I can do this and offer helpful advice as opposed to getting angry on my behalf.

Thanks for all of the helpful advice and support so far. I really appreciate it x

If you have RL support might it help if you really spelt it out to them what support you need. I imagine them slagging him off is a bit of a knee jerk reaction. Can you tell them it's not what you need and that what you need is some positive support.