I need some handholding :(

[ShitHappens1]

I'm just after a little bit of handholding and some non-harsh advice as I'm feeling pretty sensitive.

I've been seeing "DP" for 8 months. It hasn't been straight forward from the word go. He's always been reluctant to put titles on things, saying he thinks it's ridiculous to say "let's be girlfriend and boyfriend" because we are not 12 years old. He's ridiculously intelligent and I'm just average, so when we have these conversations, he usually baffles me with big words about how he won't conform to society's expectations. He spends time with me, is seeing only me, told me he wants a future with me etc. and that should be enough to confirm what we are.

Anyway, that's not relevant to today. Well maybe it is. Last week he was in hospital and I was there for him. He was really sweet with me last week, telling me how content he is with me, how lucky he is to have me etc.

This week, he didn't want to see me. He said he just wanted space and time to himself. Ok. Tuesday comes and he said he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. Wednesday, he says to me that he's just bored of our relationship because we mostly sit in and watch Netflix. Cool. We agreed that we'd set up a joint leisure fund and have at least fortnightly date nights. After that, everything seemed great. Had a few lovely evenings together. Seemed like we just needed to talk about things having gone stale.

This morning, he said again he isn't sure he wants a relationship at this point in his life. He said he doesn't want to have to consider somebody else's feelings when he does things, like if he wants to go out all weekend, doesn't wanna have to consider that I might feel gutted we're not spending it together. In addition to that, he said I'm not his type. He didn't expand on that too much, but from what I gathered, he means intellectually. He said I'm not able to eloquently word my arguments, not able to think outside the box when we discuss things etc.

I just couldn't stop crying. He's literally told me he wants kids with me, sees a future with me etc.

He then went on to say he still wants to "see" each other, just not formally with pressure on it. He said he isn't entirely sure that he feels what he's saying and needs to work it out. He said he knows he may potentially be pushing me away and that he may not find somebody like me again.

I told him I'm not sure if I can do the "seeing" thing. I'll continue to fall more and more in love with him and may get hurt. I told him I know what I am and I know what I have to offer somebody and I deserve more than what he's able to offer me and he agreed. But the conversation somehow ended with us agreeing to exactly what we agreed on Wednesday - seeing each other less but with date nights to spend fun time together - whilst he understands what it is he wants.

I know reading that back that I'm a fucking fool. I'm madly in love with somebody whom has little regard for how I'm feeling or not worrying about how anxious I'm going to feel whilst he makes his mind up.

I'm a fucking idiot. But I love him.

Any tips for coping mechanisms? How to stop myself from texting him to tell him I miss him? How to break away from this toxic situation?

I just don't know what to do.

That's your OH's problem - he's too smart to be normal, but not wise enough to realise that he could be normal if he wanted to be, and that he'd be a better person with a richer, more rewarding and more important life for it. You could try explaining this to him, but I doubt he'd get the point.

This is so true. Yesterday he was saying that he's beginning to wonder whether he believes he wants a family life because that's what he's been taught to think by society. He knows he wants kids but does he want a family where everybody lives together or does he feel he wants that because society has taught him to what that. This is an example of him over-analysing absolutely everything. Sometimes he can't see things clearly because of this.

My anxiety has been through the roof all night. Really struggled. I've just wanted to message him all night and this morning. I really miss him.

you should message him. "I deserve to be loved for me, not given kisses like a well behaved pet dog, or treated like an ignorant fuckwit, or spoken to like I'm so much less than you. I don't deserve to be anyone's fuck buddy because that's all they want to keep me on the side for. I'm leaving you, because if I had a daughter I would never say to her "sure honey, stay with your boyfriend who has no respect for you and treats you like his little sex pet when it's convenient for him. Stay with him, even though he has no true love for you, and NEVER WILL".

Look at what lies ahead of you if you choose to be strung along by him - always being given kisses as treats and rewards only when he feels like you've been a well behaved little puppy? Having your arse felt up because he's completely disregarded the important conversation you've just had, because it had zero importance for him, and now he's horny? Never having the deep seated stability of KNOWINGLY how loved and treasured you are? If you stay with him, be prepared to have to feel like that for however long as he feels he's going to string you along.

No. He wants kids without the responsibility of a family. He wants to pitch up when it suits him & have his children treat his appearance like its Xmas day and the first day of spring all rolled into one. He thinks a family is a societal construct that isn't in his interests. He's not over-analysing this at all. He knows exactly what he is doing. He's preparing you to potentially be the mother of his children while he faffs/fucks around doing things that he wants to do, rather than the things society expects him to do, like providing for a family, staying up with a sick or scared child, reading a bedtime story rather than being in the pub with his mates.

Have a think about what the future would be like with this irresponsible, selfish fucker. He isn't husband material. He isn't father material. you sound great. You knew there was something wrong.

Please, just drop him. Do it formally rather than withdrawing affection/contact, because then you're facing up to the problem, you're taking charge of your future and that is the smartest thing to do.

I mentioned the kissing thing to him/affection and he said he doesn't feel like he should have to kiss or hug me when he doesn't want to. He said if I was withholding sex, he wouldn't have a right to be disgruntled by it because I can say no. But I explained that he has a right to tell me how lack of sex (if this was an issue) is getting to him and making him feel.

I felt strong last night. After a night filled with attacks of anxiety, I feel week and wish we could just go back to "normal" - or whatever normal is to us.

Snape - Thank you. You're totally right. I need to give my head a wobble.

The frustrating thing is, I know what I deserve and I know what I want, I'm just struggling to align those thoughts with my actions where he's concerned because I've allowed myself to fantasise about how good this could be, based only on my thoughts and feelings and the way I treat him.

He's exceptionally controlling, dishing out affection and tiny bits of himself, with you like a little dog lapping it up.

Please, please for your self-respect move on.

I don't care how good-looking he is, whether you dig his earring, what he promised- he doesn't fundamentally love you or even like you.

He is patronising, rude, bigs himself up, won't even kiss you and in every way is messing with your head.

Your friend's nana is right.

What would you tell a friend who met a man like this?

You want to go back as you are used to the pattern of him withdrawing, you chasing.

Dig deep and find your inner strength and move on.

This is quite painful to read, take the opportunity the new job presents to move onwards and find someone who actually likes you and doesn't refuse to kiss you, surely you can see this is fucked up behaviour?

You are also right, the fantasy of him and your future life are much much nicer than the reality.

But you won't be going back to a fantasy, but to the reality of a man who doesn't want to commit to you after 8 months, but just wants to 'hang out' and won't kiss you or show affection except to reward you like a pet!

How can you have fallen for this?!

I am married to a very intellectual man. He's also older than me so has a general knowledge of some stuff that passed me by because I was much younger when they happened and so they just never really became something I learned about.

Not once in 8 years has he ever made me feel small or stupid for not knowing something. What he does do is engage in a fantastic discussion about the topic at a level I'm comfortable with and I have learned so much since being with him. And at the same time there are things I know about that were never in his arsenal of knowledge and likewise he has been keen to learn from me.
We have a wonderful exchange of knowledge that i think will be ongoing.

That is how a relationship between two people should work. We are all knowledgeable about something that another person may not be. Nobody knows everything.

Having been through one long term relationship with someone who simply wasn't right for me, I would never settle for second best again.

This man you are talking about may be 'clever' but he lacks respect and understanding is honestly too wrapped up in himself to ever be an equal partner in a relationship.

Be certain what you want from a man, be clear with yourself what your compromises would be. Then when you find a man who fits that, and makes you feel happy, loved and supported - then you stick with him.
But this man is not that man.

I cannot say this enough:

When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

I experienced something very similar to what you describe with a man a few years ago. And it never ends well. The longer you continue in this hot/cold dance the more your confidence and self-esteem suffers.

Another thing, the more you pursue him, the more he'll retreat safe in the knowledge that you are more than willing to dance to his tune. You deserve more than this. He'll happily continue to throw you a few crumbs to keep you 'warm'. This is not how healthy & supportive relationships develop.

Tell him to fuck off, delete and block.

Your anxiety is flaring up because it's the thought of having to do something scary which is end it with him and he's made it so you feel like you can't do without him so your brain is sending out warning signals because to have change is scary. I know because I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks too and I know what our brain is capable of doing and it throws thoughts at you like I can't cope without him Etc. You will cope and you will be okay. You've done it before without him and you can do it again. May I gently suggest looking at counselling in particular acceptance and commitment therapy. (It's not about relationships lol) it's similar to cbt but more emotions based. It's changed my life and I got it free with nhs. Ask your gp for a referral. Also a book on it called the happiness trap. It's very good for anxiety. Xxx

Thank god he's shown you what he's really like right now.

Don't spend another moment with this arrogant tossed.

Jeez! Talk about up himself!

He sounds like he's more in awe of you as you sound like a complete package.

When they built him, I think the best bits were left in the box!

A clean wound will heal quicker. Cut him out of your life. It will hurt but it will heal.

You know the saying...time wounds all heels. He's the one who's going to miss his crutch. I think that's what you are to him.

Tossed!

Gawd done it again..t o s s e r!

Of course I'm an absolutely dick and text him this morning saying I hope he had a nice night last night. He didn't reply. I then asked what plans he has for today. He just replied saying he's seeing a friend.

Conversation ensued about my anxiety and he said I shouldn't be a slave to my emotions and it's hardly the death of somebody important and I need to understand what a loss is.

So my even dickier moment was suggesting we go to the cinema on Wednesday and he said to me "I'll let you know about the day." So I replied saying I wanted to plan my week and book some classes so would rather know which day to keep free instead of cancelling last minute. No reply.

I am just going to go and hit myself with a stick now.

Your friend's nana was spot on!

Diamante earrings indeed! Hope he falls in a septic tank.

X-Post.

NO NO NO. Stop texting him. You're giving him a massive ego boost and he's already got more than enough of that.

Every time you contact him, you're back to square one.

Block his number, delete him. It's the only way you're going to get through this.

I just want to cry. I'm telling him how I feel, how I've not slept because of my anxiety and he basically tells me not to be a slave to my emotions and then is cold about next time he plans to see me, therefore creating more anxiety.

I think we probably need to take a hit in losing the money we've paid for our holiday in December, cancel it and just not see each other again. As you've all said!

I'm just not cut out for something casual. I could probably deal with it if he'd be cooperative and agree a day to see each other so I know when it is as opposed to it just being on his terms and leaving me waiting to find out when's good for him.

Fucking wanker. I really need a good cry this morning but can't in front of my friend and her family as I'm still here on the night away.

I don't agree. Text him once more with the 'this isn't working for me. Wishing you well' and then block/delete.

I thought I was in love with someone once. A 'good' friend, who delighted in sending mixed signals. When I made my romantically inclined feelings known, he became angry, then accusatory and dropped me like a mouldy cucumber. It hurt, but I didn't plead or coax, I left it as it was to see how long it took him to come round and recognise my awesomeness. He never contacted me again. I didn't contact him and it retrospect, while it felt awful at the time I now have a life in which I am not torturing myself with blue-bird filled visions of happy-ever-afters with a manipulative narc. It's blissful.

Please stop dancing to his tune. The time that you are spending pretending everything is ok is unfair to yourself because it isn't and it's unfair to him in a way, because although we've all agreed he's a twat, he doesn't know that you know he's a twat. That's not a basis for a relationship. That's just a sick joke...and while you might not think you are 'smart' in the way he thinks he is smart, you're smart enough to know that ending it with you in control is better than living this ever-dangling way of fitting around his requirements, his plans and his agenda.

Sweetie, he's playing you. Please tell him to fuck off to the far side....
And by the way, he's NOT intelligent - just knowing stuff is not intelligent, it's just having a good memory. And he's certainly not eloquent if you can't understand him!

Oh dear, you are still chasing him and he's still keeping you at arms length, rinse repeat.

My friend used to do this and I sent her a copy of 'He's just not that into you' and despite the fact it is written appallingly, the message did hit home.

He's just not that into you and he's making you make a fool of you.

Can you perhaps tell your friend you are having a hard time? You need some good support.

For goodness sake though, why are you asking him out for Wed, he doesn't want to be with you and is calling you anxious and needy?

I'm afraid the plaster just has to be ripped off with this one.

Block his number. Change your reaction - running after him is pointless - do you really want more of the same?

Think of what you want, how you want to live, and be honest, he's not even ticking one box is he?

Stop self sabotaging your future and block him. Go to the gym, go for a walk, buy some flowers, buy a really good book, and get your mind onto your new role and closing down the old one.

Next time you meet someone you think might be nice, date slowly and ask lots if difficult questions, before you fall in love or sleep with them. It shortens your risk of suffering from emotional uoset.

You can't change him. He doesn't want to change. He's told you. So leave him alone now. Why did you care what sort if night be had? He treated you like dirt. It's not normal in a nice relationship and it's so over.

And if he likes big words, tell him he's a mimophant - someone who is sensitive to his own feelings/wants/desires, but a has the skin of a fucking elephant when it comes to anyone else!

CBA to name change... but anyway -

I am doing this to a bloke at the moment. We've had a lovely 6 months, and now I am bored. Tried telling him I don't want a relationship, he's not listening and thinks he can just carry on messaging/phoning/suggesting weekends away. I am not interested.

As a pp suggested, do a nice dignified text then block and delete. I am going to end up looking like a prize bitch if this bloke doesn't STOP and I suspect your ex will be similarly brutal. You don't deserve that - walk away now.

I think the fact that not one single person has come on here and told me that I'm being sensitive and that he's being reasonable speaks volumes.

Catrin - that sounds similar but slightly different. It sounds like you've called it off completely. He's suggested we still go out and see how things go until he knows fully how he feels.

Boys smell. And I want my daddy.