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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my long term partner doesnt want a baby..

56 replies

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 15:28

ive been with my partner for nearly 7years, im 25 his 47 big age gap but he doesnt look his age. things were going great. he new i wanted a baby for ages. but recently his been trying to get in contact with his daughter from a past relationship, he hasnt seen her since she was 2, shes now 14. contact isnt going well. ive told him i wanted a future with him and wanted to start a family, he keeps saying im selfish. he doesnt want another baby at all. i love him to bits but i dont know what to do i cant see myself without him, but i want my own little family but i feel i will never have that with him. am i being selfish or is it him?

OP posts:

ohhello · 14/08/2015 15:29

Leave, find someone with the same plans as you. This can only end in tears. Go while your young enough to meet someone else and have your family.

lalalonglegs · 14/08/2015 15:33

You probably won't have a baby with him but you are still young enough to find someone (plenty of people) who will want to have children. Ime, there are very few cases where loving parents lose contact with their children for 12 years for reasons that are completely outside their control - I could be wrong but I think this may tell you a lot about his attitude to fatherhood.

liviadrusilla · 14/08/2015 15:33

It's fine for him to not want another baby, it's completely out of order to tell you you are selfish for wanting a family of your own. You are young enough to meet someone else who wants the same things that you do. Don't stay with someone who is trying to manipulate you, and who sounds like he's a pretty poor father and partner anyway tbh. Don't waste any more time - you got together when you were 18, you should enjoy yourself now.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 14/08/2015 15:37

Do you really want a baby with someone who hasn't seen his own flesh and blood for 12 years? Why would he show love for your child?

He will 100% not have a baby and that's for the best, you are actually very lucky! So run for the hills....

Nolim · 14/08/2015 15:39

It is not selfish to have a preference regarding having kids. Cut your losses and move on to find someone with similar life goals.

ShadowStar · 14/08/2015 15:39

It's not selfish to want a baby. It's not selfish to not want a baby either.

It sounds like he's being very clear about the fact that he does not want another baby.

So you have to make a tough choice.
You can choose to end this relationship, and seek a new relationship with a man who does want children.
Or you can choose to stay in this relationship, knowing that this means you won't have a child.

Original poster

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 15:40

thats for the advice, do you think his putting a front on i just saying these things cos he isnt getting what he wants with his child?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/08/2015 15:40

You need to leave. This is a man who has already bailed on one child. He has told you he doesn't want another. And you know what? You don't want one with a person like this because your child deserves parents who truly want him/her.

Original poster

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 15:41

thanks i mean lol

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/08/2015 15:41

No, he is not putting on a front. He's a nearly 50-year-old man who doesn't want another child.

lalalonglegs · 14/08/2015 15:43

No, he's not putting on a front. He is 47 - if he had wanted children after having lost contact with his daughter, he would have found someone many years ago with whom to have them. He genuinely doesn't want children (and as someone nearly that age, I can't blame him for not wanting to start over again).

Original poster

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 15:43

it wasnt his fault with the child, the mother of the child wouldnt let him see the child, it hit kim a bit hard he was depressed.

OP posts:

Original poster

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 15:44

him**

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 15:45

Because God forbid that a woman should be selfish, EVER.

What other posters said. You're not being selfish. It's what you want in your life. He has forgotten about his child for twelve years.

You will really, really regret it if you stay with this man.

Custardmiteofglut · 14/08/2015 15:45

It's absolutely not selfish of you to want a child. It is out of order for him to suggest this.

You're young enough to have some time to yourself and then have a relationship with someone who does want children.

As has been said upthread, you should question a man who hasn't seen his own child in 12 years. Has he been paying maintenance for her during this time?

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 15:46

The mother of the child wouldn't let him see the child

You do know that there are courts and laws to ensure that children remain in touch with their non-residential parents (if the NRPs are interested, that is), don't you?

startagainonmonday · 14/08/2015 15:50

Did he pay child support for his DD? (or set money aside for her if his DD's mother was genuinely being uncooperative)

expatinscotland · 14/08/2015 15:52

Sarah, the ol' 'The mum wouldn't let me see him/her, I'm depressed' is one of the oldest lines in the book. He's having you on. Get rid.

Original poster

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 15:53

I'm not what the reasons are why he didn't and what his paid etc, I've asked but he said it doesn't involve me, and I've told him it upsets me if he talks about his child, knowing I want one.

OP posts:

qazxc · 14/08/2015 15:53

He's very out of order to suggest there is something wrong or selfish for wanting a child.
However he has made crystal clear that he doesn't want a child, so you need to cut ties and find someone who wants the same as you do.

Otherwise you will resent never having been a mother or he will resent having being "forced" into being a father.

It would be a deal breaker for me TBH.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2015 15:58

I think if you step away from the relationship for a while you'll see things a lot clearer.

He isn't a good father - he has proven that to you.

He's a hell of a lot older than you - if he had a child with you next year he'd be 68 by the time the child was 20.

He doesn't want a child.

He doesn't even want the child he HAS got.

If you force someone into having a child with you, that relationship will fail. No two ways about it.

If you have a child with someone who's a rubbish father, he will in all likelihood become a rubbish father to your child, too. Given the fact he doesn't actually want another child, this becomes a dead cert.

Listen to what he's saying. Protect yourself and any future children from a life with him.

Original poster

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 15:58

It's just so hard being with someone for so long, and when we first got together he was pushing me into having a baby. But I wasn't ready and no I am he doesn't want to know. He just wants to get a dog

OP posts:

jelliebelly · 14/08/2015 15:59

If he doesn't want a child and you do then there is no future in the relationship I'm afraid - not uncommon with such a big age gap - as well as the "been there done that" attitude it'll is bloody knackering dealing with newborns all over again - not to mention no more freedom to go out and do as you please...

horsewalksintoabar · 14/08/2015 15:59

Oh dear OP. What expatinscotland said. I say this as a wife with an age gap (15 years) and sister of a 52 year old...when a guy in his 40s looking at 50 says no babies, he MEANS IT! Also you will be unhappy. Older first time dads are not hands on. They've had too much freedom and too much 'me' time. They can be inadvertently selfish. Having babies is generally for the young. Find yourself a partner, a husband, someone who is on your wavelength. Sad as it is to say this, your man is a time bandit who is not in this 100%. Telling you that you're selfish is SO nasty and manipulative. I smell an older, controlling bloke with issues who fails at his relationships...cue abandoned daughter issues. He didn't do well with his role as father back then, 14 years ago when he was 33 and old enough to know better. If he'd been 19 when she was born, I'd cut him some slack. But at 33 he couldn't do the right thing. He is still that guy. Seriously, end it. Do you want to fulfil your hopes or do you want to grow bitter and resentful? He's been honest with you, so at least hang onto that. He can never be accused of stringing you along 'in theory' but in practice, he is doing just that.

DrSethHazlittMD · 14/08/2015 16:00

You want a child. Perfectly valid decision.
He doesn't want a child. Equally perfectly valid decision.

You therefore want different things. Move on. Don't hang on in there in the hopes he will change his mind. He won't, nor does he have to. Nor do you have to change yours. This isn't a compromise thing. It's not "shall we get a new car, which sort?"

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